by Dave Barry
Unit of Currency: The Tusk
Biggest Industry: Jumper Cables
Motto: “Skiaorgit Kiooorsklangelt KfvoOOOOO” (“Are There Any Boiling Mud Pools Around HEEEEEE ...”)
Ireland
Ireland is not a large country. A competing guidebook states that “you could drop its entire area into Lake Superior.” We certainly do not wish to start rumors, but sometimes we wonder whether these competing guidebooks are on some kind of narcotics. A quick glance at the map will show you that Ireland is in fact nowhere near Lake Superior, which is located in Maine. So if your vacation plans include dropping Ireland into a major body of water, a much better choice, in our opinion, would be the Irish Sea, which is far more conveniently located, although during the peak season we do recommend that you have reservations.
Of course there is more to Ireland than water sports. There is also the Irish people, a warm and friendly lot who are constantly saying things like “Begorrah!” (Literally, “Your brother Raoul is a fish!”). Alcohol will do this to people.
The History of Ireland
The history of Ireland dates back a long time to the original inhabitants, the Picts, who were a fun-loving tribe known for their wit. “You sure Pict a winner that time!” is the kind of thing they were always saying, until finally a neighboring tribe called the Celtics got sick and tired of it and came in and, in 432 B.C. on October 8, defeated the Picts in the Battle of Defeating the Picts when John Havlicek sank two free throws in overtime. This led to a long period of time that is virtually incomprehensible if you read about it in the 1966 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, which is what we are trying to do, and we are getting a real headache because of sentences like this:
A well-known territorial unit was the tricha cet, corresponding, Giraldus Cambrensis says (Topographia Hibernica, III, 5), to the Welsh cantref, 100 households (villae).
Ha ha! We bet that Giraldus Cambrensis was one fun dude to hang around with! But anyway, Irish history continued to occur right up to the present time, which is where, according to our calculations, we stand today.
What to See in Ireland
The main thing to do in Ireland, as Giraldus “Party Animal” Cambrensis states (Topographia Hibernica, IVCXXII, section 3, row d, seat 6), is “sit around and drink.” But no trip to Ireland is complete without a trip to Blarney Castle, where you can kiss the famous Blarney Stone, which, according to ancient legend, bestows upon each person who kisses it a mild but persistent mouth fungus.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Whelk
Households Per Tricha Cet: 100
Shave and a Haircut: Two Bits
Italy
We are definitely talking about a warm and friendly nation here. This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. One time we were at a restaurant near Rome eating a medium-sized Italian lunch consisting of enough pasta to feed Lithuania for six months, and we happened to mention that the wine tasted good. So the restaurant owner insisted that everybody in our party had to go see his wine cellar, which involved climbing down a set of steep rickety stairs into the kind of dark, dank, spider-infested basement that you often see in horror movies, wherein some doomed character goes slowly down the stairs while dramatic music plays in the background and the theater audience is shouting, “DON’T GO DOWN THERE, YOU FOOL!” because they know there’s a lunatic lurking in the darkness with a machete and an industrial staple gun. This basement was like that, only it was occupied by something even more dangerous than a homicidal maniac, namely, numerous barrels of wine, which the restaurant owner insisted that we had to drink many samples from, and quite frankly we wonder how we got out of there. In fact some members of our party may still be down there with the spiders, and we urge you to stop in and see them (the spiders) during normal visiting hours.
Speaking of normal visiting hours, Italy doesn’t have any, as far as we can tell. Nothing is ever open when it’s supposed to be open or closed when it’s supposed to be closed, nor does it cost what it’s supposed to cost. Also, the buses never seem to go where they’re supposed to go. We realize we’re making a sweeping generalization here, but as Giraldus Cambrensis so eloquently put it in Topographia Hibernica, “tough shit.” Nevertheless we urge you to spend some time in this country, although as a precautionary measure you should lose a couple of hundred pounds first.
What to See in Italy
The major city is of course Rome, which got its name from the fact that the Romans used to live there before the Fall of the Roman Empire. Their mother warned them that this would happen. “If you leave your empire there, it’s going to fall!” she said, but unfortunately they did not understand English.
Nevertheless, the Romans built many large broken objects that you should definitely see, such as the Renaissance, the Piles of Seemingly Random Dirty Stones, and the Colosseum, which was the site of Super Bowl I. You must also visit Vatican City, where you may see the famous Sistine Chapel, which the famous Anthony L. “Michael” Angelo had to paint—Believe It or Not!—while lying on his back, because due to a contractor error the Sistine Chapel is only 18 inches high, so comfortable clothes are recommended. The Vatican is also the home of the Pope, who, if you pound very hard on his door, will be happy to come out and entertain the kids by twisting balloons into hilarious animal shapes. Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer; and Florence, home of one of Michael Angelo’s most famous works, the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Southern Italy is the site of the incredible village of Pompeii, which nearly 2,000 years ago was buried under tons of volcanic ash and is therefore invisible. We don’t know why we even brought it up.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Lira (1,000,000,000,000,000 lire = Nothing)
Unit of Time: “A Few Minutes” (A Few Minutes = Two Days)
Hand Gestures: Permitted
Liechtenstein and Luxembourg
To the best of our knowledge these are not European nations. These are minor characters in William Shakespeare’s famous play Hamlet II: The Next Day, featuring the famous “shower scene” wherein the immortal bard displays his rollicking wit at its best:
LIECHTENSTEIN: What dost thine taxon augur vepnelsound? Nor capsuled repwell florgin haren’t ground!
LUXEMBOURG: Ha ha!
Norway
See “Denmark.”
Poland
Poland has experienced a tremendous amount of history due to the fact that it has no natural defensible borders, which makes it very easy to conquer. Many times the other nations didn’t even mean to invade Poland; one night they’d simply forget to set the parking brakes on their tanks, and they’d wake up the next morning to discover that, whoosh, they had conquered Poland.
But thanks to advances in international law such as the speed bump, Poland is now a totally independent nation, and it has managed to greatly improve its lifestyle thanks to the introduction of modern Western conveniences such as food. Today Poland proudly boasts the nickname “The North Dakota of Europe,” and is well worth a visit if you happen to be in the neighborhood for some reason, such as your plane has crashed.
What to See in Poland
They have some really sharp tractors.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Grzbwczwcz
Population: 30 million
Light-Bulb-Changing Capability: 10 million
Portugal
Portugal is a small but, we are sure, proud nation located somewhere in Europe and boasting a history. During the Age of Exploration, Portugal produced many great navigators, men such as Vasco da Gama (literally, “Vasco the Gama”), who set out across the vast, stormy Atlantic Ocean in tiny ships, which of course immediately sank like stones, thus paving the way for the Age of Remaining on Land. Today the main industry in Portugal is manufacturing the famous Portuguese man-of
-war, which is a type of jellyfish that can sting you to death if provoked, so tipping is strongly recommended.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Arriba
Language: None
Spain
At one time Spain was one of the world’s great powers, although under the leadership of General Francisco Franco (1578-1983) the nation gradually declined into total insignificance. There is no need, however, for you to rub this in. Be gracious, is our advice. For example, in a restaurant you might exclaim: “This food is certainly delicious! Especially considering that Spain is now a fourth-rate power!”
Your hosts are sure to appreciate your thoughtfulness, and may even insist that you join in one of Spain’s most glorious traditions: Getting Run Over by Bulls. This extremely exciting event, wherein live irate bulls are set loose in public streets, was originally held during the Festival of St. Raoul of the Fishes (October 8), but it has become so popular that in heavily touristed areas the bulls are released several times a day, sometimes in hotel lobbies. Wear comfortable shoes.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Caramba
Closed: Weekdays
Sweden
See “Norway.”
Switzerland
When we think of Switzerland, the picturesque image that springs into our minds is that of men standing on top of Alps wearing comical shorts and making sounds that can only result from a major hormonal imbalance. But Switzerland is also famous for its tidiness. It makes some of the other tidy nations, such as Germany and Austria, look like giant septic tanks. Switzerland has an extremely strict Neatness Code. If you appear in public with your hair mussed up, or armpit stains on your shirt, the famous Swiss Neatness Police will suck you up with a giant vacuum cleaner and put you in a jail cell infested with sanitary laboratory rats. You would probably rot in there, but Switzerland doesn’t even permit bacteria.
What to Do in Switzerland
You should open a Swiss bank account, because (a) you get a toaster and (b) you never have to pay income taxes again. The Internal Revenue Service has no jurisdiction in Switzerland. When you fill out your tax return, you just write, “Ba ha, I have a Swiss bank account and just TRY TO GET IT, YOU SUCKERS!” and all the IRS can do is gnash its teeth. You can trust us when we tell you this. We’re a guidebook.
FACTS AT A GLANCE
Unit of Currency: The Cubit
This Chapter Is Finally: Finished
Time for a: Beer
Chapter Seven. Staying In Hotels (Or: We’re Very Sorry, But Your Chapter Is Not Ready Yet)
Your hotel is your “home away from home,” and as such you expect it to provide you with the comforts and conveniences you have in your own dwelling, such as privacy, security, a warm bed, a clean bathroom, a hot shower, Anthony Perkins standing just outside the shower curtain holding a knife the size of New Jersey, etc.
Of course we are just pulling your leg. Despite the widespread recurring nightmares created by the movie Psycho, the truth is that, of the millions of guests who stay in the nation’s hotels each year, only about 3 percent are ever actually stabbed to death while in the shower (Source: The American Automobile Association). A far higher percentage are stabbed to death while talking really loud in the halls at 2:30 in the morning. If you’ve ever stayed at a hotel, you have heard these people. They stagger up from the bar, then they stand directly outside your room and, in booming voices, have conversations like this:
FIRST LOUD PERSON: Well, it’s about time to turn in!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: I guess so! What time is it?
FIRST LOUD PERSON: Whoa! It’s 2:30 A.M.!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: Whoa! It’s time to turn in!
FIRST LOUD PERSON: I’ll say it is!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: Two-thirty A.M.!
FIRST LOUD PERSON: Whoa!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: It’s definitely time to turn in!
FIRST LOUD PERSON: I’ll say it is!
SECOND LOUD PERSON: You can say that agAAAAAAIEEEEEE
(sound of both loud persons being stabbed to death by pajama-clad hotel guests who have lunged out into the hallway wielding shrimp-cocktail forks obtained earlier from Room Service)
There is no need to concern yourself about this. At your better hotels, the bodies will be picked up within hours. Other signs that you are in a quality hotel include the following:
1. You can never be sure which floor the lobby is on. A quality hotel will have about six Mystery Floors where the lobby should be, identified on the elevator buttons only by code letters such as G, P, M, LL, and Ph.D. Guests from hotel-deprived regions such as MississiPpi will sometimes become disoriented and ride the elevator for days, surviving on complimentary pillow mints donated by other guests.
2. You have to tip roughly a dozen men just to check in. The instant you arrive at a quality hotel, at least two friendly men dressed in nicer outfits than you wore at your first wedding will bustle up, open the car door for you, and say: “Welcome to the Hyatt Sheraton Hilton Crowne Royale Majestic Princess! Let us assist you with your luggage!” Even if the airline lost your luggage and your total possessions consist of a package of Tums, these men will snatch it away from you and assist you with it. The instant you tip them, they will hand your luggage to other uniformed men, who will pass it along to still other men, until you are being assisted by roughly one uniformed man for each actual Tum.
3. The bellperson will not leave you alone in your room until he has given you a briefing lasting at least as long as your sophomore year in high school. This will include such helpful information as:
Where the bathroom is. Where the windows are. Where the bed is. Where to find the complimentary bathrobe that you are welcome to take with you, in which case they will be happy to add a charge of $298 to your bill. Where the bathroom is again, in case you forgot. How you operate the television (By turning it on). What the bellperson’s name is (Bob) in case you need anything (Such as you feel a sudden urge to give somebody a tip).
The only thing the bellperson will leave out is the part about how you will have to get up at 2:30 A.M. to kill the loud hallway talkers, but this is because he doesn’t want to spoil the surprise.
4. There will be a choice of six in-room movies, (including The Bad News Bears) all of which you have already seen except for the dirty one. However, we do not recommend that you watch the dirty movie, because it will go on your hotel bill, which could cause embarrassment when you check out the next morning and the desk clerk, in a hearty voice that echoes all over the lobby, says: “We certainly hope you enjoyed your stay at the Hyatt Sheraton Hilton Crowne Royale Majestic Princess, Mr. Penderson, especially your in-room viewing of Big Hooter Mommas.” Also every hotel, no matter what level of quality, is required by state law to have a little framed document in every room with the following notification:
NOTIFICATION
in accordance with sec. 3.409583 par. 2343.4, be advised that the operator of this hotel is not responsible for any loss, theft or damage to any jewelry, money or other valuables that you may sustain because of carelessness, burglars, or anybody else sneaking into your hotel room in the dead of night armed with guns, knives, cattle prods, deadly poison black mamba snakes or whatever you better just give them whatever they want because the owner is not going to get involved even if they tie you to the bed with the belt from your complimentary bathrobe and torture you by pouring your complimentary hair conditioner into your eyes you can go ahead and scream all you want because in accordance with sec. 3.409583 par. 2343.4. be advised that ha ha the operator of this hotel does not have to do shit.
Staying At Quaint Little Country Inns
Of course sometimes you get sick and tired of staying in big, modern hotels, where all you are is an impersonal room number, and nobody ever talks to you, and you never have to share a bathroom with total strangers. For a change of pace from this kind of stifling uniformity, you want to stay at a quaint little country inn.
The best kind of quaint country inn is the kind that’s owned and operated by a couple named Dick and Marge who’ve been married for roughly 158 years and are bored to death with each other and consequently are thrilled that you have come out into the country to give them somebody to talk to and eavesdrop on and study the personal habits of. “Don’t mind me!” Marge will say eight or nine times just during breakfast, which you eat at a table located approximately four feet from where she is working in the kitchen. “I know you two are here for a romantic weekend, and I don’t want you to even notice I’m here! Although Dick did want me to ask you to please not flush any more condoms down the toilet like you did twice last night, because sometimes they mess up the septic system. We had one couple from New Jersey, the Floogermans, and they were using the Trojan lubricated condom with the reservoir tip, and they flushed four of them on one night, let me see”—she consults her records—”it was the night of June 12, 1987, and next day we had raw sewage in the azaleas, and Dick—Dick loves those azaleas—he had a fit. He even—get this—he even got out his old machete and sharpened it up. I said, ‘Dick, what are you gonna do? Chop off their heads just because they flushed some condoms down the toilet?’ Ha ha! I had to give him one of those shots to calm him down, and he still carries a little piece of paper in his wallet with the Floogermans’ home address. He LOVES those azaleas. But listen to me chattering on! You just never mind me over here. Do you want some more waffles? I didn’t even realize you could have waffles, if you were diabetic, which I’m assuming you are from those pills in your toiletries case with your Valium. Lately I just can’t seem to get Dick to take his medication, and I really wish he would because he’s started talking to his snakes again. I wish we didn’t even have those things in the house, after what happened to those people from Ohio, the Fweemers. Although I understand that a lot of the time those paralysis things are temporary. But listen to me! Here I am talking a mile a minute, and you two lovebirds are trying to have a quiet breakfast alone! I do tend to rattle on so, and sometimes Dick—I’m sure he’s just kidding—sometimes Dick says if I don’t shut up, he’s gonna put me down in the basement, with those things he ordered from Soldier of Fortune magazine. Don’t go down there, whatever you do. But you just make yourselves totally at home here, and enjoy your time together, and do whatever you want and just forget that we’re even here. By the way, that light fixture over your bed is just a light fixture. It is not a camera. Here comes Dick now! What’s the matter, honey?”
