by Penny Wylder
Sweat beads up on my face as I heave, and I flush the toilet before crawling to the sink. I’m glad I keep the bathrooms clean as part of my chores. I don’t even bother standing up as I reach for a paper cup of water and grab a hand towel from the stack beneath the sink. The dizziness I felt earlier has gotten worse with my vomiting. Panic sets in as my stomach protests even the smallest sip of water. Everything tastes like the awful smell of microwave popcorn.
The signs add up, and I try not to think of what they could mean. It was seven weeks since my last period. Pills are not one hundred percent effective, I know. Panicking, I quickly wash my face and then slip into the kitchen. I leave Dad and Jean a note that I am running out for just a few minutes, grab Dad’s keys, and take his car.
The pharmacy is two miles away, and I’m in a fog as I stumble up and down the aisles until I find what I’m looking for. I head for the bathroom as soon as the cashier hands me my receipt. I can’t wait to get home. I need to know now. Dizzy and emotionally exhausted, I can hardly focus on the test, fumbling with the cap as I open it.
I follow the instructions and continue to sit there on the toilet as the test strip color blooms into view. First one line in the control box to let me know it’s working, almost cranberry in the overhead light. Then, even as I’m praying to be wrong, a second line darkens.
I’m pregnant.
If my stomach weren’t empty already, I would probably throw up again.
My hands shake as the panic sets in. How can I go to work and see Beck again, knowing I’m pregnant? I told him I was on the pill. He trusted me. He’ll think I did this on purpose. He’ll hate me.
I barely make it to my desk on time, and I can see by the lights on that Beck is already at work. Sleep eluded me except for a few fitful hours, and I don’t know how to act around him today. Do I tell him? Do I keep it secret for now and figure out what to do? I just don’t know. There are so many things to worry about. I couldn’t take care of a gallery on my own; how will I take care of myself and a baby?
Jess, one of the kitchen staff, wheels a cart out of Beck’s office. “Good morning, lovely Lia. I hear your show was amazing.” He doesn’t wait for a response before going to the other side of the lobby where a few chairs and a couch are mostly there for effect. In my five weeks here, we have yet to have anyone but me sit on them. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Boss man has some meetings up here this morning and wants me to have a full coffee bar setup out here.
“There are already pastries and stuff on the table in back. I’m sure he won’t mind if you help yourself to a couple.”
Hearing that I’ve arrived, Beck calls me from his office. “Morning, Lia. Can you come join me in here?” He sounds way too chipper for the morning, like he’s a few pots of coffee into his day already. I hate to ruin that for him.
I drop my bag in my chair, take a deep breath, and walk into his office. Beck is in a black jacket and turquoise button-down, and he has his head turned to the side, looking over at the door to the roof. No… Looking at my art. My image is reflected to me in the mirrors of the piece I made in his garage.
He’s smiling as if he won the lottery. “The gallery delivered it this morning. I had to have it, Lia. I needed this piece of you and me.”
The words pierce my fragile shell, and the tears come rushing out of my eyes. I crumple to the floor in pained tears. He’s going to hate me. Why did he have to say that about wanting a piece of him and me? I have that inside me…
Beck kneels in front of me and gathers me into his arms. “What did I say? Did I do something? What’s wrong?” He’s so worried about me, and I start crying even harder.
“Everything—is—wrong—” I sob out the words. “You’ll hate me, Beck. I’ve ruined everything!
“I hate myself for it. Everything is over. I’m so sorry!” I bury my face in his jacket, crying.
He pushes me back gently, and I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes. His hands with their long fingers cup my cheeks. “Lia, I want you to tell me what happened.” He’s calm, scarily so. “I can’t make things better if you don’t talk to me.” His thumbs move across my cheeks, gently massaging the curve of my cheek bone on each side.
My lashes are matted with tears as I try to look at him. I want one last look in his eyes before I tell him how fucked up I’ve made things. “I’m so sorry, Beck. I’m pregnant. I’m having your baby.”
He freezes, going stiff. I’m sure he’s about to yell, maybe even fire me. He’ll panic the way he did when Tasha broke her arm riding bikes when we were little. He’ll—
Beck’s arms sweep me into a hug, and his nose rubs the side of my face as he nuzzles me into position to accept his kiss. Dazed, I let him kiss me deeply, hanging onto him as I try to calm my tears.
“You’ve ruined nothing.” His lips are gentle this time, kissing away my tears. “Our lives aren’t over; we’re just beginning.” Beck moves a hand down to my stomach and rests it there. “To be a little crass, I thought your breasts looked bigger last night,” he teases.
We both hear the door lock unlatch and separate quickly. I wipe at the lingering tears as someone knocks on the doorframe to the office. Jean busts in, almost catching us in our embrace. “What’s going on?” she says suspiciously, looking between us. Her mouth is puckered as if she just bit into a lemon.
I stand up and go over by my sculpture, using it as an excuse to try and catch my breath. I examine how it was hung as Beck coldly asks Jean what she needs. He’s angry that she trailed after Jess into the office instead of following protocol and waiting to be buzzed in. “You know better!” he snaps.
“I just needed these signed. The company party is next weekend, and we need this taken care of before then.” Apparently, the division head of Research and Development is being honored for his contributions. “I really didn’t think it would be a big deal. I couldn’t see Lia at her desk from the door, and I didn’t want to make you have to get up. Sorry, Beck.”
Jean is wary as she watches me; I can see her in the mirror’s reflection. I hate the way she’s leaning over his desk as her eyes are searching for any reaction on my part. I deny her the satisfaction.
I busy myself with the sculpture until she leaves and we hear Jess’s cart go out the door too. Sighing, I sit down on the edge of the desk. I cover my face with my hands and groan out my frustration. “That was just a taste of what we’re going to go through, Beck. How can we go through this?” All my worries come spilling out. “How can I tell my parents that I’m pregnant? How can I tell Tasha that I’m having your baby?”
His arms go around me, and he pulls me down into his lap. “Shh.” Beck kisses the side of my head and lightly swings us side to side in the chair. “We’ll figure it out, love. Don’t stress too hard.” His hand slides down my back, drawing me even closer to him, and then moves to my stomach, rubbing my belly. “You’ve got a baby in you now—my baby. We can’t have you making yourself sick with worry. Let’s take things one day at a time, Lia.”
I let him soothe me, though I think it’s as much for his own sake as mine. There’s excitement in his voice, gentle and warm, as he talks about the baby. I can practically hear all the plans going into motion inside his brain.
“Why don’t you take the rest of today off, Lia? I’m just going to be here in meetings. You did such a fantastic job while I was away, and everything is in order. You know the garage code still, right?” When I nod, Beck grasps my hand and brings it to his lips in a gentle kiss across my knuckles. “Good. Go take a shower, rest in my bed or a guest bed. Watch television or soak in the tub… Do whatever you want that will make you feel a bit calmer. Tasha was out already when I left this morning; breakfast plans or something. She should be home by lunch, though. If you want to wait to tell her until I’m home, I’ll do it.”
Beck reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a single car key. “This is to one of the fleet cars. It’s in parking spot twenty-three, the one right by the door into the garage o
ff our stairwell. Just bring it back Monday, okay?”
I let myself into the garage once I arrive at Beck and Tasha’s house, and I’m surprised to see Tasha’s car parked in her spot. She wasn’t supposed to be home yet. Bile rises in my throat, sour and acrid as I swallow it back down. If I don’t do this now, I won’t be able to. I’ll chicken out. I’m going to tell her that not only did I sleep with her dad, that I’m pregnant.
I kick off my shoes in the mud room, hang up the keys on the little hook beside the door, and set off to find Tasha. This has been like a second home to me since childhood; I wander through it as I look for her. She’s not on the main level or up in her bedroom. I’m about to go outside when I hear the faint thump of music from the basement. Taking the back stairs, I go down to the recreation room with its pool table and other games. I find her curled up on the oversized black leather couch.
“Lia?”
I plan to tell her, all the potential combinations of possibly right or wrong words spinning through my mind. “Hey, Tasha.”
She’s surrounded by tissues; the end table is littered with them. Tasha is crying now as hard as I was earlier, and my heart sinks. Beck must have told her. She has to know. I go to her, not knowing what else to do, and my eyes burn with my own tears. I hate that I’ve betrayed her trust and caused her this pain.
“Do you remember a little over a month ago, Lia?” she asks.
I nod, kneeling in front of the couch. The words are on the tip of my tongue. I can admit to breaking my promise, even if it breaks her heart. It’ll take time, but I will fight to keep her friendship through this. “I remember.” The words gag me to speak.
“Chris and I hooked up that weekend. Like we planned. But the condom broke,” she squeaks out. “I thought it would be okay. He pulled out right away. I’m pregnant!” Tasha is shaking with the force of her sobs, and launches herself into my arms. Distraught, I pet her hair and comfort her as best as I can. I can’t tell her what’s going on with me and Beck, not with her like this.
I murmur that we’ll figure things out, whispering all the things her father had said to me, just an hour before, to calm me down. She’s so scared about Beck being pissed when he finds out. I have no doubt that he will at least be disappointed, but I hope he won’t take it out on her.
It’s unintentionally funny how things have worked out for Tasha and me. Life is fucking sick.
5
Beck
I’m going to be a father. “I’m going to be a father, again.” I repeat the words to my truck’s rearview mirror, still disbelieving them. It’s not that I think Lia is lying, or even that she did this purposely, I just can’t believe we’re having a baby. My baby is growing inside her. If that isn’t a sign that we should be together, I don’t know what is.
Despite traffic being minimal, I can’t get home fast enough. I have to talk to Lia more, figure out when we can get her into a doctor for a checkup… Is she on vitamins? I need to get her some prenatal vitamins, just in case. I’m going to make sure she and the baby are taken care of as well as they can be. They deserve no less from me.
I swerve into the right lane and quickly take the exit, glad no police are around to ticket me for reckless driving. The fine would be worth it right now, though. She’s going to have my baby! Images flood my mind of her getting round with the baby as it grows, and how I’ll be able to feel the little one moving inside her in a few months. It’s such a magical time, and even though it’s been more than twenty years since I last went through this, I remember.
I remember the first time Tasha kicked hard enough for me to feel through Carrie’s stomach. The first time I held my baby…
Will we have a girl? A boy? Twins? So many questions flood my mind, and I’m practically vibrating with my excitement as I pull into the pharmacy and park my truck. I always wanted more than one child, and while this is not how I expected that to occur, I’m on cloud nine. The engine is still purring to a stop when I jump out and slam the door. I couldn’t hide the skip in my step if I tried, so I let the buoyancy I feel carry me to the store and down to the reproductive health aisle.
There are a thousand and one types of tests, lubricants, and condoms, but no vitamins. You’d think they would keep everything in a useful area. I check over the shelves again and grab a bottle of warming lube while I’m there. It could be fun to put to use.
“Can I help you, sir?” A teenaged boy looks up from his squatted position on the floor while stocking shelves. He points me in the direction of the prenatal vitamins when asked, and barely gives me a second glance as I thank him. He’s likely used to far odder requests.
The designated shelf has multiple brands of vitamins, and I grab three. The sour gummy vitamins are labeled with a giant red star marking them as something new to the store. If nothing else, I can return what Lia doesn’t want. Vitamins obtained, I go to the baby aisle and start searching. It’s early; she can’t even be a full two months along, but I have to buy something. Our baby needs a present. Lia needs to know just how happy I am.
Maybe I should be worried about how Tasha will react to the news. Fuck, I should probably be worried about how Paul and Jean are going to take it… I have time to think about that later. Right now, I’m obsessed with making sure Lia is okay and understands that I’m excited to begin this new chapter in our lives.
A small tiger attached to a rattle sits lonely on a shelf, pale green and orange in its gender-neutral colors. Surrounded by an ocean of pink and blue, it begs to join my household. It will be perfect. Choosing a toy was easy; the card will be far harder. Picking out cards has never been my forte. The glitter-coated ones are instantly dismissed as options. I don’t want that crap all over the office, and I’m going to surprise Lia with these gifts at work.
Settling on one with a silhouette of a pregnant woman, I start thinking of all the words I could write in it. Do I use the word love yet? Would she think I was just saying it because she’s knocked up?
In truth, I was feeling more than just lust and affection for her before we tumbled onto the couch and slept together. I could not have bedded her with just carnal desires driving me forward. She’s worth so much more than that to me.
Yes, I can use the word love—at least in my head. I will wait a while before saying it aloud to Lia. She is the type who would be spooked, and she’s already so overwhelmed.
I pay for my purchases, tapping my foot against the grimy tile while the cashier bags them and prints the receipt. “Thank you!” I grab it from her outstretched fingers before she can begin her spiel about how I should be healthy or whatever the hell she’s paid to say, and sprint for my car.
The evergreens marking my driveway were planted when Tasha was born. What would we plant for this baby? Lia has to know that I will want her and the baby here. She can’t be under the stress of worrying about rent or how her father will react to this news. I want to protect her, keep her safe, care for our baby before and after it’s finished growing inside of her. I can’t lose her. I’m hers, and she is mine. I’ll fight for her if that’s what it takes. I hope it will be easy, though. We’ve both earned it.
A car parked in the driveway emerges in my view as I round the bend, and my fingers fumble in the darkness for the garage opener on my visor. The car is the one I loaned Lia. I did not expect her here; she must have lost track of time. My pulse quickens, breath coming faster too as I think of getting to see her again. It probably makes me a caveman to be hard over having gotten Lia pregnant, but I feel like the king of the world.
My dick throbs with each heartbeat, and I ache by the time I reach the house. “Tasha? Lia?” I call out for both women while passing into the kitchen and dining room, and I drop my purchases off in my study before searching in earnest. Running up the circular stairwell to the bedrooms, I pause at the top, listening for any voices. It’s too early for them to be asleep.
Tasha’s door is open, meaning she hasn’t been in it since the housekeeper went through this afternoo
n to wash windows and vacuum. Maybe they’re outside?
Just in case, I slip into my bedroom and check the private, attached bath. I had invited Lia to make herself feel at home. The carpet is unmarred except by my own footprints, and I make a second path of tracks as I go back down the hall. Peeking over the balcony, I notice that the lights are still off out back; no one would be swimming in the dark.
As a last resort, I trudge down to the basement. I hate the game room and at-home theatre Tasha had begged for during high school. Given how little we use them, it’s been a waste of resources. We could have rented out the cinema a few times instead of having all this AV equipment installed.
Music is thumping through the speakers, barely audible from outside the room, and I step in, trying to focus in the dimly lit space. The women—my girls—are curled up around each other in a nest of cushions and pillows on the floor. My heart warms at the sight. It’s been years since they’ve done this, and I’m hopeful that their friendship will endure the news.
I sneak in, tiptoeing in a way I haven’t done since Tasha was a toddler. Fuck! I’ll have to relearn how to move silently on the floors. Sneaking out of the nursery after putting our baby down… If either were awake to see my smile, I know they would tease me mercilessly, and I’d have a hard time avoiding spilling the news to Tasha. Grabbing a large blanket from the closet, I gently cover the women, tucking the plush fabric around them.
“Good night,” I whisper with naught but the slightest breath. “I love you.” Returning upstairs, I make myself a sandwich from leftovers in the fridge and go into my study. My mind is spinning with all the things I want to do before the baby arrives, but all I can manage to do is stare at the ceiling and grin. I’m going to be a father!
