by RH Tucker
“I saw Emma a while back.” The news catches me unprepared. “She sort of ripped me a new one. But she also said something that I haven’t been able to forget.”
I’m racking my brain, trying to remember Emma telling me anything about seeing Lucas, but I can’t. Why wouldn’t she tell me she saw him? And what’d she tell him?
“She said you have some kind of secret?”
I lean forward, putting my face into my hands. “She what?”
“Oh, no, don’t worry. She didn’t tell me anything else. And she also said it wasn’t a secret secret, whatever that means. And really, I was egging her on, because I know there’s something going on with you, Jen. Or there has been. I just want you to know you can talk to me.”
I let out an incredulous snicker. “I can talk to you? Seriously?”
“Why not?” He smiles at me. “We used to tell each other everything.”
I shake my head, looking away. “Not … everything.”
“Yeah.” His voice sounds like he understands. “Anyways, I also want to apologize for my explanation, that night in your room.”
“It’s fine, Lucas,” I reply, giving him a wave. “I know you had drinks earlier that night. Whatever you said, I’m sure was just in the heat of the moment. Guys say lots of things.”
“Jen.” He says my name with conviction. He doesn’t say anything else until I look at him. “I meant every word. I’m just sorry it came out how it did, and why it did. The girl I was talking to,” he emphasizes the word with a smirk, “was nice. I tried to go out with her or just like her, but I couldn’t. And I stopped talking to her the next morning. Anyways,” he clears his throat. “The last thing I wanted to say was that I remember you.”
“You remember me?” I give him a confused stare.
“Yeah. I remember you and all the things you liked growing up. All the things we liked. The secrets we told each other. The games we played and dreams you told me about. I remember the Teddy Grahams, Star Adventure, and everything else that used to make you smile.”
I let out a laugh, suddenly remembering my Teddy Grahams requirement. We were in third grade and Nancy would pack a little packet of Teddy Grahams cookies in with my lunch. Lucas and I had lunch at the same time and we’d sit together, and he’d always ask for a couple cookies. They’re small to begin with and we’d munch on them during lunch. Most of the time he’d finish them by the end of lunch, but he’d always leave the last one for me. Sometimes I’d forget it and he’d wave the bag in front of my face and I’d smile, reaching in for the last cookie.
I remember telling him, “One day, when I’m married, my husband will always buy me Teddy Grahams.” Little eight-year-old Lucas sat there, staring at me with a weird look. “If we get married, Lucas, my favorite flavor are the cinnamon ones.”
He wrinkled his nose at me. “I guess. I’ll buy you Teddy Grahams if we’re not married though, Jen. That way I can have some, too.”
Third grade Jen loved that he said that. That he’d be the one buying me my favorite snacks.
“Do you remember me?” Lucas asks, bringing me back to the present.
I stare at him, thinking over his question. Of course, I remember him and all the memories we had growing up, but I feel like he’s asking so much more than just about my memories. And if that’s the case, I don’t want to answer. I pushed him away at the lake because I didn’t want to risk it. Then, when I thought I might as well, it blew up in my face. The memories that I have of him, are ones that I love of him. The memories are love. And I’m not going to risk that again.
“It’s okay,” he says with a crooked-smile, and gets up from the chair. “Hopefully I can remind you.”
Chapter 25
Lucas
It took me a while to try and come up with an idea of showing Jen that I’m still the same person she grew up with. That I’m still the same person who she considered her best friend for years. I have no idea if it will work, but I have to try. Because after that night in her room, I know for a fact I’ll never get her out of my system. I have to put it all out there, because even if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll know I laid it all on the table.
“I don’t understand.” Jackson rummages through a rack of cookies, as I search the shelf of a grocery store. “Teddy Grahams?”
My eyes scan a neighboring shelf. “Yeah, it’s just a thing.”
“First of all, you’re getting her cookies? Why?”
“It’s not―” I laugh, shaking my head. “It’s not about the cookies, it’s about the memories, man. Teddy Grahams mean something.”
“And you can’t just get animal cookies? Or Oreos? Dude, everyone loves Oreos. Double Stuf, baby.”
“No, man.” I laugh again. “It has to be Teddy Grahams and they have to be cinnamon.” A lady walks by the aisle with a store uniform. “Excuse me, ma’am?”
“Yes?”
“Do you guys carry Teddy Grahams?”
“Yes, down here.”
We follow her to the end of the aisle, and they are tucked next to boxes of Cheez-Its. She starts to leave, but I raise a finger.
“Oh, I’m sorry, but do you have the cinnamon flavor. I only see the honey and chocolate.”
“No, I’m sorry. We only have these.”
“Okay, thanks.”
She nods and leaves us.
“Just get the regular ones.”
“No, it has to be the cinnamon. Come on, let’s check another place.” I wave to him to follow and we leave the store.
I’m using Rich’s truck, so we get in and take off down the road.
“Seriously, man,” Jackson says, turning on the radio. “I really don’t get this.”
“You don’t have to get it,” I snap at him.
“Whoa, calm down.”
“Sorry.”
“Look, I know you like her, but do you really think this is going to happen?” I cast a quick glance at him. “Hey, I hope it does. If I didn’t know anything except all the shots Rich always teases you with, I’d know you’re crazy about her, but she’s pushed you away time and again.” Another glance at him makes him put a hand up. “Again, sorry. I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but, you know …”
“Yeah … I know.” We drive in silence until I reach the parking lot of the next store. “Look, I know this is crazy. I know it’s weird, but it’s all I got.” Jackson just sits there, staring at me. “I’ve loved this girl since I knew what love was. If I don’t do everything I can to at least prove that to her, then I’ll always regret it.”
“And if you do everything you can, and she still says no?”
“Damn, man, you’re really being a Debbie Downer today.”
“Sorry.” He laughs.
We don’t say anything else, as we get out of the truck and head into the store. Finding the cookie aisle, I spot the section that has them, and thankfully they have the cinnamon flavor. I load up my arms with as many boxes as I can carry.
“You think that’ll be enough?” Jackson snickers.
“I’m dropping you off at home before I make my last stop.”
“What? Nooo. It’s freaking boring at home. Everyone else is getting ready for school and I got nothing.”
“Then stop the hassling,” I say with a laugh, “and load up your arms.”
“Fine,” he grumbles and starts picking up boxes from the shelf.
After we check out with about fifteen boxes of the cookies, I stop at an art and craft store and buy a gift basket and some bows. I’m not crafty, or artistic, or even color savvy. I’m just going off things I think she’ll like. The basket is green, which is her favorite color. And the bows have little sunflowers on them, which I remember she always liked.
After the store visits, I stop in front of Jackson’s house, and he gets out of the truck.
Closing the door, he leans in through the window. “I really hope this works for you, I do.”
“But?”
“But …” He trails off, looking out th
e front window. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt, that’s all.”
A couple months ago, we were barely friends. But through the summer he’s been as good a friend as Carter or Matt. So, hearing him tell me that brings a heartfelt grin to my face.
“Thanks.”
“Yeah. Hey, hit me up this weekend, if you’re not too busy getting all your stuff together for school. This’ll be my last weekend I’m completely free before I start working at my dad’s deli.”
“Cool. Yeah, I will.”
“All right, later.”
I wave and head home, taking the basket and grahams to my room, and start working on a letter I’m going to put with it. There are so many things I want to put in the letter, but at the same time I don’t want to put too much. I want it to be clear. To let her know exactly how I feel but without being overbearing.
“Hey, there’s a party tonight. You want to―” Rich’s words cut off as he walks into my room and sees the items on my bed. “What’s this?”
“Nothing.” I wave him off and keep my eyes on the piece of paper in front of me, on my desk.
“That’s a shitload of Teddy Grahams, bro.”
I don’t answer.
“… I was so nervous around you when you brought up boys, and kissing, and things like that―”
“Dude, what the hell?” I spin around in my chair, putting my arm over the paper to keep him from reading anymore.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Nothing, get out of my room.”
“Is that for Jen?”
“Get the hell out, Rich.”
“Dude, stop.” He lets out a huff and shakes his head.
“Stop what?”
“Stop fucking around with her. Get your head on straight and realize it’s not gonna happen.”
“Screw you.”
“Luc, you guys had your chance. Years went by while you were both growing up, and nothing. It’s time you realize that and move on. This isn’t healthy.”
“Get. Out.” I scowl at him.
“She’s damaged goods, bro.”
“Hey, fuck you!” I jump out of my chair, getting as close to being in his face as I can.
He puts his hands up in defense. “Dude, I’m not trying to be a dick. I like her, okay? I always thought of her like a little sister, but you’ve had to have seen it. You can’t be that oblivious.”
“Rich, I swear to God, if you don’t get out of my room right now―”
“Fine, fine,” he says, putting his hands up again and walking back to the door. He stops there, looking at me while I cross my arms, staring a hole through him. “I just have to say this, at least once. The high school sweetheart crap never works.”
“Yeah, just because Rosie broke your heart once you graduated.”
“Fuck you, you little shit.”
Silence falls between us as he seethes. I feel bad bringing up Rosie. I know he loved her and when they both graduated high school, I know he thought they’d be the classic high school sweethearts, finish college and get married. He was going to UCLA and her to USC, so they didn’t have the whole long-distance thing to worry about. But after their first semester, she broke up with him, telling him she wanted the ‘college experience’ without being tied down. He was crushed and I never brought it up. Not once. So, yeah, I feel a little crappy bringing it up now.
“Sorry,” I mutter.
He’s quiet for a moment longer, before finally speaking up. “All I’m saying is, she’s got issues. And if you don’t see that, then you’re either blind or stupid. You’re my little brother and I don’t want to see you get hurt. But I don’t want to see her get hurt either. I don’t know …” He lets out a long sigh. “You guys should be together, but with whatever’s going on with her, I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. And as long as you keep trying, I think you’re only hurting yourself and her.”
I don’t say anything. I can’t. Everything he’s saying has already crossed my mind. It crossed my mind while I was out buying all this stuff and it’s been constantly nagging me as I sit here, trying to write this letter. But I cannot not do something. I have to put it all out there. I have to give it everything, because if I don’t, then I know I’ll always wonder. I may never love anyone as much as her, but if we really can’t be together and I don’t try this, anyone who I do end up with will only have a part of me. And I can’t do that to someone else either. It’s what I was starting to do with Sasha. They’ll only have half of my heart, while my other half will always be wondering what if.
Chapter 26
Jen
Everyone’s getting ready for college. Well, everyone except for me. Emma’s not leaving home but that doesn’t mean she isn’t signing up for classes, getting more art supplies, and readying herself for her first semester. Carter’s going to UC Irvine, so he’s doing the same thing. Matt and Izzy, who are both going to Irvine Community, are both getting things prepared.
It’s not that I regret taking the first semester off. I still feel like I’m going to enjoy working and earning some money. I’m positive I’ll like not having to worry about deadlines, studying, and finals. But still, it feels weird not getting ready for school when all my friends are.
So here I am, sitting at an open work table inside Butterfly Ink, as I go over job applications. I’ve been spending a lot more time at the tattoo studio. It’s nice getting to know everyone better, actually feeling like they’re becoming my friends and not just people who work with my aunt.
“I’m headed out,” Nancy says, stopping by the table.
“Okay.” I tap my pen against the table. “I’m just gonna fill out a couple more and wait here. Emma and Carter are swinging by, I think we’re gonna go to the movies.”
Leaning over, she gives me a hug. “Okay, I’ll see you later tonight.”
Twenty minutes later, Emma and Carter show up and we’re off to the theatre. I would feel like the third wheel, but when we get to the theatre, Matt, Izzy, and her friends are there. Not being the only single person among everyone helps. And being with Veronica and Cindy is actually helping me remember my old self. The girl who would flirt with a guy and not worry about having my heart broken, because I wasn’t interested in giving them my heart. I just wanted to have fun.
After the movie, we stop by Burger Shack and grab something to eat before heading home. Nancy is still up watching TV in the living room.
“Hey,” she calls out and I sit down next to her.
“Hey.”
“How was the movie?”
“It was okay.”
She nods as she points to the TV, her eyes staying locked on it. “You missed it, Greg eliminated Bethany.”
We DVR a bunch of reality dating shows and make fun of the contestants. It’s one of our favorite pastimes. “Of course he did,” I laugh. “Come on, you think he wanted someone with two degrees in computer science instead of Blondie McBombshell, who’s already slipped her hand down his pants?”
“The cameras didn’t show that. It was dark in their room.”
I give her an unbelieving look and she laughs.
“Okay, you’re probably right.”
“I think I’m gonna go to bed.”
Her eyes dart to my bedroom door and then at me, a small smirk crossing her lips. “Okay.”
“What?”
“What?”
“Yeah, what? What was that look for?”
“What look?”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “You kind of smiled.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“Oh, okay.”
That’s all she says and returns to watching the TV.
I laugh it off, bending down to give her a hug and kiss. “Okay, weirdo. Goodnight.”
“Night, baby.”
Opening the door to my room, I hit the light switch and see a huge green basket on my bed. It’s got bows with sunflowers all over and it’s filled to the brim with boxes of Tedd
y Grahams. Not only is the basket filled, but there are so many that my entire bed is covered with boxes.
“Nancy?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“Why is my bed covered in Teddy Grahams?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Her voice is innocent, too innocent. As in, she knows exactly why. I return to her and she’s smiling at me. “Okay, I do know.” I raise my eyebrows, waiting for the answer. “It’s from Lucas.”
“You let him in my room?”
“Excuse you.” She puts up a hand. “It was only for a minute. It’s not like he hasn’t been in your room recently for longer.” She raises an accusatory eyebrow at me. I jerk my head back, unsure how she knows about that, and at the same time worried she’s going to be mad. “Anyways, yes, I let him in your room for a moment. He said it was a gift and that you’d get it once you read the letter.”
“Letter?”
She shrugs. “Yeah, that’s what he said.” I turn around and head back to my room. “Goodnight, Jen.”
I can hear the laughter in her voice as I close my door and scan the room. I’m not sure why, nothing else looks out of order and I know Lucas would never pry through my things.
I let out an unbelieving chuckle and smile, as I start picking up the boxes from my bed, placing them on my desk. I bite my bottom lip, trying to stop myself from smiling again, noticing they’re all cinnamon flavor. There’s a little white envelope in the basket, my name written on the outside of it.
Putting the basket on the floor, I take the envelope and sit on my bed. Feeling the edges of it, almost afraid to open it, I look back at the basket. It’s not dressed up or made to look fancy in any way, other than the sunflower bows. Lucas must’ve done it on his own. He knows I like green and I remember always wearing my favorite shirt when I was little around him, a shirt that had sunflowers on it. I’ve always loved sunflowers.
Looking back at the envelope, I slip a finger under one corner to open it but hesitate. I don’t know what this is going to say, and maybe more importantly, I don’t know what I want it to say.
