by RH Tucker
“But what about Micah?” She rolls her chair over to the bed, leaning closer. “You told me he never asks about taking your shirt off.”
I giggle, thinking about last night. “I actually wore the babydoll last night.”
“And?”
Pulling the blankets higher, I smile at the memory. “He loved it.”
“You see! He thinks you’re beautiful. Why don’t you believe him?”
“I do believe him. It’s just …”
I take a deep breath. Finally sitting up, the blankets still wrapped around me, I can’t meet her eyes. “When I’m with him, when it’s only us, I believe him. I know he sees me for me and I love it. I love him. But it’s like a light switch. When it’s just us, it’s like there’s no one else. We have our own little world in the dark. Then I have to turn the lights on. I have to get up and head back into the world where I’ve never been pretty enough. I’ve never been skinny enough. There are two worlds that I have to live in, Cindy.
“How am I supposed to deal with that? I can’t just live in the world I have with Micah because as great as that might seem, then I’d just be obsessed with him. But I can’t depend solely on him. I have to live, too. And by living my own life, I have to be in this world. The same place where Tim cheated on me, acted like it was my fault, and said I was too big to ever make a move on. So even when Micah tells me he loves me, I still feel like I’ll never be good enough.”
She’s quiet. I feel the prick of tears, but I force them back. I don’t want to cry again because I know this isn’t anyone’s fault but my own for feeling like this.
Cindy gets out of her chair and comes over to the bed, wrapping her arms around me. “I love you, V. I’ll help you as much as I can to get over this. I will. But you have to be the one to commit. I can say all of the positive things in the world about you, and you can laugh and nod and agree all you want, but in the end, if you don’t truly feel it, then you’re always gonna feel like you’re not good enough for someone. But you are.”
“I know.”
“No. You don’t.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Okay, Dr. Cindy.”
“Hey, you know I’m going to school for family psychology.”
“Yeah. You gonna be my shrink?”
She pulls back to look at me, but still keeps her arms around me. “Yeah. You’ll be my first patient. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a discount.”
Chapter 25
Micah
It’s been three days since Veronica’s slept over. Today will be the fourth.
We’ve talked on the phone, and sent a few text messages, but that’s it. When I asked her later that day if she was coming back, she said she should stay home, since they’d just returned home from their trip. Okay, I can understand that.
The second day, she said she was busy. She’s helping Tomás out with paperwork for their father’s company. I wish I knew if it was because of the incident with Lana. I told her Lana left the apartment a few hours later, but it didn’t seem to help. Yesterday, she had plans with Cindy and Izzy. They wanted to hang out before we all start getting too busy with the new semester. Taylor wants a final beach party this weekend, so I told Veronica, and she finally said she’d come.
“Hey, Micah,” Clare calls out, as I reorganize a set of weights.
It’s a slow day at the gym and Clare is a new hire. It’s her third day. She usually works the front desk and answers the phone. One of the reasons Taylor wants to have a party is because he’s already eyeing her. I told him it’s not a good idea to go out with someone we work with, but he just shrugged it off.
“What’s up, Clare?”
“Um, there’s a girl at the front desk asking for you?”
“Oh, yeah?” I perk up, raising my eyebrows and smiling.
I asked if Veronica wanted to come over tonight or at least have lunch on my lunch break, but I hadn’t heard anything back from her yet. She must’ve surprised me.
Clare nods with a grin. “Is that your girlfriend? Veronica?”
I start to head to the front of the gym but look back at her with a puzzled expression. I don’t remember telling her about Veronica.
“Sorry, Taylor was talking to me yesterday. Said you’re crazy for settling down already. But she’s gorgeous.”
I let out a laugh. “Taylor would say something like that. But yeah, she is gorgeous. Thank you. Speaking of Taylor, though, you gonna make the beach party this weekend?”
“Yeah.” She nods in excitement.
“Cool.”
I walk through the frosted glass doors separating the front desk area and the gym, eager to see Veronica, but the excitement deflates. It’s Lana.
My words come out harsh and fast. “What the hell are you doing here?”
She doesn’t respond to my tone, nor my demeanor. Ignoring both, she walks closer and grabs my arm, smiling. “I just wanted to thank you again.”
“Fine. You’re welcome. Now leave.”
My eyes twitch over toward Clare, who looks nervous. She turns and walks back toward the frosted doors and into the gym area.
“Don’t do that,” Lana reprimands me, still holding my arm.
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t act like a jerk, Micah. That’s not you. You’re not an asshole.”
I yank my arm away from her, then quickly brush by her toward the front doors. “You’re right, I’m not. Except when it comes to you. And do you want to know why? Because you made me like this, Lana. You did this. Are you happy with the monster you created, Dr. Frankenstein?”
I push open the front doors, motioning with my hand for her to leave. I’m expecting her to put up an argument or act like a grumpy three-year-old and throw a tantrum—I’ve seen it before—but she doesn’t do either of those things. Instead, she nods slowly, letting out a sigh, and walks toward the door.
Stopping at the entrance, she raises a hand to my cheek, her blue eyes striking mine. “I’m sorry, Micah. I’ll apologize every day if I have to.”
“You don’t have to, Lana. Because it won’t make any difference. You could apologize twenty-four hours a day, every day for the rest of your life, and it still wouldn’t make any difference.”
“Please …” Her voice cracks, but I don’t know if she’s crying or not, because she leans closer, wrapping her arms around me, burying her face in my neck.
“There are no pleases. Not anymore. Do you remember what I said the first time? After I caught you at the party?” I feel her nod. “It felt like you broke me. You broke my trust. I put myself back together, and I don’t know why, but I gave you another chance. And you did it again. Only this time, my trust didn’t just break, it obliterated. And if I’m perfectly honest, I’m still trying to pick up those shattered pieces.”
“But I can change. I promise you, I can change.”
“I don’t care, Lana. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I don’t care if you become Mother Teresa. How am I supposed to trust you now? I can’t. It’s impossible. You chased me in high school, and it was flattering. It really was. I was this geeky, art kid, and you were a bombshell. You still are. But then you messed up. I was over it. And you know what you did? You chased me again. And I fell for it. Again.”
“Fell for it?” She finally looks up, and I see the tears running down her cheeks. “It wasn’t a game, Micah.”
“But it was.” All of my hate and hurt are draining out. I raise up my hand, wiping away her tears. I remember holding her face like I am now, kissing her and feeling like I didn’t need anything else. Now I know I need something else. I need someone else. “You might have not thought it was or realized it. But if you think about it, if you really think about it, you’ll see it’s always been a game to you, Lana. You like the chase. You want to prove it to yourself.”
“That’s not true.”
I honestly can’t believe what I’m about to say, but I know I have to. She might not see it, but I knew her back then. I know her now. I know exactly what’s sh
e’s like.
“Really?” I take a deep breath. “That guy I caught you with at Matt’s—” I stop, forcing myself to get through this. “When I caught you … tell me, had he already helped you out?”
Her eyes fall away, her face dejected.
“See? You got what you wanted? I bet you even chased him that night.”
“Micah, I really was drunk that night. We took—”
“I don’t care.” Another deep breath. She’s making me relive all of these memories, but maybe if I can get through to her, she’ll see. “You weren’t drunk on your birthday, were you?”
She looks away. “No.”
“And that idiot, he never knew what hit him, did he? Do you even remember his name?”
“Kevin. He …” Her tears are falling, but for the first time, it’s not over me. I think she’s starting to see. “He had a girlfriend. I hit on him when she went to the bathroom.”
“Jesus, Lana.”
She stands in front of me, her hands pressed to my chest, silent tears falling. For a moment, I think I’ve finally gotten through to her. Then, she wipes her tears away, her gaze locking back on mine. “But I know I was wrong, Micah. That’s what I’m trying to prove to you. I messed up, but I won’t mess up anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want you.”
I can’t yell or scream or even sigh in frustration. Instead, I chuckle. I actually chuckle because I seriously can’t believe she thinks she can fix what she broke.
“I’m going to do whatever it takes, Micah. I can’t live without you. I know that now. I screwed up, but I’m going to make this right.” Raising a hand to my cheek, she offers me the faintest smile. “I will.”
“Micah?”
Looking behind the door I’m in front of, I turn and see Veronica. She’s holding what looks like two drinks and a large paper bag. Lunch. Her eyes find mine, before floating over to Lana. Her face drops and then she spins on her heels, walking away.
“Shit.” I push Lana away and run over to her. “Veronica, hold on.”
“No, it’s fine,” she calls back. “Whatever.”
“What? What’s fine? Veronica, wait.” I finally get in front of her. “Would you just please stop?”
“Micah, I can’t do this.” Her words tremble.
I grab the sodas and bag from her, setting them on the ground, and then wrap my arms around her. She keeps her arms up, pressed against my chest, a barrier between us. “Please, that wasn’t anything. You don’t have anything to worry about.”
“You say that, but …”
I bring my hands to her face. “Vero, that was nothing. She showed up again, trying to apologize. Please, this entire week, ever since I picked her up, everything’s felt off. Please, Vero, talk to me. That was nothing, okay? I love you, you know I do. What’s going on?” She shakes her head. “Please, Veronica, talk to me.”
“I—” Her words cut off. “I … I can’t.”
She finally drops her arms, wrapping them around me, and I pull her closer. I don’t see Lana anywhere. I’m not sure how much she saw or heard, but I don’t care. Keeping my arms around her, I gently kiss her hair. Taylor pops his head out of the door, looking over at me. He silently asks if everything is okay, but I honestly have no idea.
Chapter 26
Veronica
I stare at my water bottle, fighting the thoughts that have been warring in my mind the last couple of days since catching Micah with Lana—
No, that’s not what happened. I keep thinking of it as catching them, but when I do, it makes it sound so much worse. I know he was trying to get rid of her. I know she keeps showing up, begging for him to give her another chance, and he keeps rejecting her. I know all of these things.
But when I saw him standing there with her, he wasn’t mad. They weren’t kissing, but they were close. She was close enough that she could’ve kissed him. Would he have kissed her back?
“Ugh!” I groan in disgust at myself.
“You okay?” Cindy asks, perking an eyebrow over the sunglasses she’s wearing as we stroll along the boardwalk.
She wanted to come early and check out some of the shops before the beach party. I was hoping that it would take my mind off of everything that happened, but it hasn’t. I wish I had Miguel’s car again, then I could make up some excuse and just leave. That was the only good thing about that day, having a car and not having to wait for someone to pick me up. We talked a little more—or I should say he talked—ate our lunch, and then I left with nothing being resolved.
“I don’t know,” I answer her, as we walk into a store.
“You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?”
She doesn’t wait for me to answer, as she strides forward, rummaging through a rack of clothes.
“I can’ help it,” I admit. “It’s like … I see it. Her. She had her hands on him, and he wasn’t yelling. I mean, he seemed upset, but he was just there. It almost looked like she was going to kiss him and he was enjoying it.”
“V,” she groans out, finally looking over at me with an annoyed face. “Stop that. You know he wouldn’t do that.”
“Of course I know that, but my brain keeps coming up with all these asinine thoughts. Then it drifts back to them being together. Then of them being together together.”
“Gross!” She walks over, swatting my arm, and starts to scour another rack of clothes. “Stop thinking that, what’s wrong with you?”
“I can’t help it. I—” I stop and look around, lowering my voice. “I was a virgin, and he wasn’t. She was his first. I don’t want to think about it. God, I seriously don’t want to think about it, but my stupid brain keeps defaulting back to that, wondering if—”
I stop and stare aimlessly at a shirt I’ve picked up. I twirl the price tag in my fingers, wishing I had stopped while I was ahead, because I know she’s going to prod and get the rest of my thoughts out of me. And I hate these thoughts.
“What?” she asks. I don’t answer, continuing to stare at the shirt. She stops moving. I can feel her eyes on me. “What is it, Veronica?”
“I think about that, and then … I can’t stop myself from wondering … if he liked it better with her than with me.”
“Oh my God,” she hisses loudly, slapping my arm.
“Ow!”
“You deserve that!” She scans the area.
There are a few people in the store, a clerk behind the register, but it isn’t busy. Cindy is not one to mince words, and I’ve learned firsthand that she has no problem airing things out publicly, so I know she’s gone into total serious-mode, as she steps closer, lowering her voice.
“Veronica, you have to stop thinking that. Seriously, I can’t believe you. Why on Earth would you even compare if Micah liked having sex better with Lana then with you? It’s insane. People have pasts, V. You can’t blame him for not being a virgin.”
“I know, I know.”
“Then why in the hell would you compare that with someone else?”
“Because it’s what I do! I don’t want to think about it. As soon as it happens, I try to push it out of my head. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to her, but it’s what I’ve always done. I’m not tall enough or thin enough or whatever.”
She wraps her arm around me, giving me a hug. “Whenever you think stupid stuff like that, think about me instead, okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re five-two and taller than me. You’ve got bigger boobs than me. And you’ve got a totally hot guy that loves you, while I’ve got hold and cold Jackson, who I can’t even get to return my calls sometimes.” She smiles, and I let out a small laugh. “Compare yourself to me, and you’ll be thinking you’re a ten in no time. And just so we’re clear, you’ll be right.”
“Thanks.” I hug her tightly.
“You’re welcome.” She turns around, grabbing a couple shirts off the racks. “I’m gonna try these on.”
“Okay. I’m gonna go grab a smoothie, want one?”
<
br /> “Sure. Blueberry peach, please.” She grins widely then turns around and heads off to the fitting room.
Stepping outside, I take a deep breath of the ocean air, and walk next door to the smoothie shop, trying to calm myself. Why can’t I just get over this stupid insecurity? Micah’s never given me a reason to be this self-conscious. Then again, he’s not the reason I’m this timorous to begin with.
“Veronica?”
Glancing behind myself as I open the door, I find Tim standing there. “Hey.”
He scans the area before looking back at me. “Hey. What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” I answer, motioning toward the shop. “Just getting a couple drinks. Cindy’s next door, trying on some clothes.”
“Oh.” He looks over his shoulder. “At least she’s not out here, or else she’d bite my head off.”
“You deserve it,” I reply, bluntly.
Rubbing the back of his neck, he almost seems embarrassed. Almost like he’s ashamed. “Yeah. You’re right. I totally deserve it.”
His admission catches me off-guard. When we went out, he was kind enough, but looking back at it, he had this arrogance about him. I thought it was just confidence at the time. But it was more than that. He was cocky.
He has a right to be a little cocky. He’s tall, maybe an inch shorter than Micah. His pitch black hair is a bit shaggy, causing it to hang over his forehead, but it’s short enough that it doesn’t hit his dark blue eyes. Cute dimples in both cheeks when he smiles, which always comes off as a confident smirk. He didn’t have a reputation in high school, but I wasn’t the only girl who noticed him. So when he asked me out I was over the moon, but confused. I knew what I was. I’m the big girl. And he played sports and hung out with some of the most popular guys in school. I was smitten.
“Hey, can I buy your drinks?”
“What?” I stare at him, confused. “Why?”
“Honestly, I’ve wanted to talk to you. I thought about calling or texting, but I figured you’d ignore them.”
