by Elena Aitken
“I was a little. Just…like…I didn’t know what it would be like without him, ya know?”
“I actually do know.”
Drew blinked back a tear. She felt a little bad for eavesdropping, but at the same time, it was nice to hear Austin opening up in such an honest way.
“But it’s been okay,” Austin said. “I mean, I miss him.” His voice shook and the urge to go to her son and hug him was strong. But she stopped herself. He clearly needed to talk. “But it’s been nice having you to do things with, Uncle Ben. Dad told me you’d be around a lot and I was supposed to go to you if I needed anything.”
“He did, did he?”
“Uh huh.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Drew could hear the emotion in Ben’s voice. “You know I’ll always be here for you and your mom, right? No matter what.”
“I know. Dad told me that, too.”
Ben chuckled a little. “What else did your dad tell you?”
“He told me to take care of Mom and make sure she got happy again.” A tear slipped down Drew’s cheek. Austin had never told her about any of the many chats he’d had with his dad in those last few months. Obviously Eric had done a good job preparing their son the best way he could. “And you know what?”
“What’s that, buddy?”
“I think she’s getting happy again.” Drew nodded despite the fact that no one could see her, and no one was even talking to her. “But she’s not going to be happy if we leave her in that cave. Let’s go get her.”
Drew smiled and went to meet Ben and Austin so they could begin their hike back down to camp.
Chapter Fifteen
“So you went hiking? You?”
Drew nodded but Amber kept staring at her.
“And camping? Like real camping? In a tent?”
“Yes.” Drew rolled her eyes and focused her attention on Mya, who was just shy of a year old already and was a very busy baby, grabbing at her necklace and trying to shove it in her mouth. The girls had gathered for a quick lunch at the Riverside Grill and Drew was using the opportunity to get all her baby snuggles in.
“It’s not a big deal.” Drew focused on the baby so her friends wouldn’t see that she was lying. Because it was a big deal. Every part of her camping trip with Ben had been a very big deal—and not for the reasons her friends thought.
“Well, I’m impressed.” Cam shifted baby Theo in her arms as she tried to dig in her purse for something.
“Let me take him.” Amber reached out for the baby and something about the way she looked at the baby grabbed Drew’s attention. She watched, the conversation about her forgotten for a moment as her best friend gazed at the baby with something that resembled sadness on her face.
“Did you wear actual hiking boots?” Cam teased beside her, and Drew’s attention was drawn away from Amber and the baby and back into the conversation, but not before she made a mental note to ask Amber what was going on.
“Yes,” Drew said to Cam. “I wore actual hiking boots.” She stuck out her tongue.
“I’m more impressed with Ben,” Christy said from across the table. “Especially with Ben. I mean, taking on such a big task? That’s pretty impressive.”
“You mean, taking on the Bro List?” Amber asked. “That is a huge deal and so sweet.”
“It is sweet.” Christy laughed. “But I meant, taking on Drew.” Her laughter cut off and she put her hand to her mouth. “I meant taking Drew camping. I mean, I didn’t—”
“It’s okay.” Drew had debated on how much to tell her friends, unsure of how they’d react to…well, to things with Ben. In the end, she knew she couldn’t keep secrets from them. A few months earlier, when they’d all discovered that Amber had been lying to them for years about her addiction, they’d sworn to never again to hide anything from the others. “He kind of…I sort of…” She let herself trail off, unsure of how to actually tell them what was going on. Especially considering she didn’t understand it herself.
“What’s going on, Drew?” Amber looked up from baby Theo for the moment. “Do you…” She tilted her head in question. “Is this about…”
“What?” Cam demanded. “What are you talking about? I feel like I missed something.”
Drew sighed and once again removed her necklace from Mya’s chubby fingers. “Did you guys know that Ben has always had feelings for me?”
Christy coughed and choked on the piece of roll she’d just put in her mouth. Amber’s mouth fell open and Cam immediately began stuttering. “Wh—what—you—I—”
“Clearly you knew.” She rolled her eyes and tried to stifle a giggle. “Nice job keeping that from me all these years.” Her voice dripped sarcasm. “So much for not keeping secrets.” She was teasing, mostly, but she couldn’t help but be a little disappointed that her friends hadn’t let her know about something that could have—what? It wouldn’t have changed anything. She knew that. She loved Eric. That would never have changed. It just would have made things with Ben even more awkward than they’d turned out to be.
“It wasn’t like that,” Cam said. “I mean…” She looked to the other women for help.
“She’s right,” Amber jumped in. “It wasn’t like that at all.”
Drew raised her free hand for a moment before returning to bouncing the baby. “It’s all good. I get it. I’m not mad. Honestly.” And she wasn’t. It made perfect sense to her and if the roles had been reversed, she probably wouldn’t have said anything either.
“I think the bigger question now,” Christy said, “is how you’ve come to find out. I mean, why now?” She tilted her head and examined Drew. “What’s changed?”
Drew looked to Amber, the memory of their last conversation on the topic of men and moving on still clear in her head. Would they judge her for being ready to move on? Would they judge her because it was Ben? Amber smiled encouragingly and gave her a little nod as if she already knew what Drew was going to say.
Maybe she did.
“It’s kind of complicated to explain,” Drew started. “But I’ve been feeling lately like maybe there’s more out there for me. Of course I still miss Eric terribly—that will never change.”
“Of course.” Her friends nodded in sympathy and understanding and Drew continued.
“As you guys all know, Ben has been amazing and has been there for Austin and me so much that I don’t even know what I would have done without him. And I think over the last few months, some of those feelings of friendship turned into something a little bit more.” She looked down at the baby, suddenly worried to see her friends’ reactions. “I guess on some level there’ve always been some feelings from both of us. I mean, we were such good friends and—”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to us, Drew.” It was Amber who spoke. Drew looked up to see her best friend smiling at her. Amber reached out with her free hand and touched her arm. “It’s okay. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.”
Cautiously, Drew turned to look at the others and they both had a similar expression on their faces. One of understanding and love.
“You don’t think it’s too soon?”
She didn’t ask the question to anyone in particular but Christy answered. “Do you think it’s too soon?”
Drew didn’t hesitate with her answer. She shook her head. “No.”
“Then that’s all that matters,” Cam said. “Sweetie, I don’t think any one of us can even begin to wrap our heads around what it would be like to lose our husband.”
“Especially so young,” Christy added. “Only you know how that feels. And more than that,” she continued, “only you know what’s in your heart. Everyone’s journey is different and there is no right or wrong for this.”
“But what will people—”
“Don’t finish that statement.” Amber held up a finger. “It’s nobody’s business what you do or don’t do. And if anyone has an opinion about it, that says more about them than it does about you.”
“Exactly.�
�� Cam nodded. “I just read this the other day in a book and I think it applies perfectly.” She looked straight at Drew. “What other people think of you is none of your business.”
That made them all laugh and baby Mya started to fuss. Drew bounced her a little and then ultimately handed her back to Christy.
“It’s true, though,” Amber said after a moment. “There are no rules for how you’re supposed to live your life after your husband dies.”
“No.” Drew shook her head and chuckled a little. “There certainly are not.”
Drew felt better after talking to the girls. They didn’t judge her or have any opinions about her moving on, and she knew deep in her heart that they wouldn’t, despite her earlier concern. But others would. It was a small town, and people would talk. Did it matter? Maybe Cam was right. Did anyone else’s opinion really matter?
“Okay,” Christy said, interrupting her thoughts. “Now that we got all that out of the way, tell us about Ben. Because I, for one, think this is perfect.”
“And amazing,” Cam said. “I mean…Ben.” She raised her eyebrows and Drew couldn’t help but chuckle.
She spent the next few minutes telling her friends about how her feelings had grown and then come to a head around the campfire a few days earlier. Of course, they wanted all the juicy details, but there were none to give. Whatever it was that she and Ben were doing, they were doing it slowly, and that was just fine with Drew.
Lunch with her girlfriends had been just what Amber needed to clear her head after what had been a tense few days with Logan. They hadn’t really talked more about children or marriage and truth be told, Amber had done her best to avoid the topic. She couldn’t resist holding Theo, though. And maybe she shouldn’t have, because just having his sweet, chubby body in her arms made something deep inside her ache.
Hell, maybe she should have talked to her friends about it. Never in her life had she avoided a confrontation of any kind. Hell, in her past life as a lawyer, she’d loved nothing more than diving into a good fight.
But this was different.
If she and Logan really had different views on what the future was going to look like, what would that mean?
She wasn’t willing to explore it. Not fully. At least not until she was sure about exactly what it was that she wanted.
She left the restaurant, but, not completely ready to go back to the ranch, she hovered about in the parking lot until it was only Christy left standing by her car.
“What’s going on?” Christy unlocked the door to her SUV. “You have a look.”
“A look?”
“Yup,” Christy said. “A look that says something is going on with you but you don’t want to talk about it, so clearly you really need to talk about it. What’s going on?”
“How did you know you wanted kids?” Amber blurted the question before she could over think it. “I mean, I know you’ve always wanted kids, that’s no secret.”
It certainly wasn’t. Christy had wanted to be a mother since they were kids themselves. Infertility troubles had plagued her and almost derailed all the plans she’d made for herself and her marriage.
“No.” Christy laughed. “It certainly isn’t. But I don’t really understand your question then.”
Amber took a deep breath and tried again. “I think I want kids.”
“That’s great.” Christy shifted her own baby up on her hip. “Kids are…well, they’re wonderful. But honestly, I didn’t think you wanted children of your own.”
Amber shrugged. She could easily see how Christy and everyone else would think that. After all, she’d never once mentioned it or even discussed anything besides putting her career first. “Things changed.”
“Logan.” Christy nodded, a small smile on her face. “I could see that,” she continued. “Falling in love changes things.”
“It does.” Amber kicked at a stone while a million things ran through her head.
“But what’s the problem then?” Christy asked. “I mean, if you’re thinking about wanting kids, that’s the first step. Honestly, your heart will tell you what to do and you’ll just know when it’s right.”
Amber looked up. “I will? I’ll just know?”
“You will.” Christy turned around and leaned into the backseat of her car. Amber watched while she fiddled with Mya’s car straps and fastened her into her safety seat.
Was it really that simple?
After a moment, she turned and faced Amber again. “It seems like I’m missing something.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You seem…I don’t know…unsettled.”
“Logan said he doesn’t want kids.”
Christy’s face fell and instantly Amber wished she would have kept her mouth shut.
“I mean, he didn’t say it in so many words,” she continued quickly. “But I was talking about getting married and maybe having a family one day and…”
“He doesn’t want that?”
Amber shrugged. “He didn’t come right out and say it. Just that he didn’t think it was important. And that he’d never wanted to get married.”
“And is it important to you?”
Amber thought about it, but just for a moment. “Yes,” she said with certainty. “Very.”
“Well then, I think the two of you have a lot of talking to do,” Christy said kindly. “And I do think you need to talk to him, Amber. Some things in life aren’t negotiable. And if marriage and kids are something that’s really important to you, well, personally…I don’t think you should have to sacrifice that. You’ll always regret it.”
“But I…” She didn’t bother finishing the statement because they both knew how strongly Amber felt about Logan.
Christy pulled her into a quick hug. “Talk to him,” she said again. “And don’t make any decisions until you know exactly how both of you feel.” She pulled back and smiled at Amber again. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s that sometimes these things work out just the way they were supposed to. So try not to get yourself too worked up, okay?”
That was easier said than done, and they both knew it. But after Amber drove back to the ranch and had a few minutes to think about it, she realized that Christy was right. The most important thing was to talk to Logan. She couldn’t be afraid of what he might say, even if she didn’t want to hear it.
Yes. The sooner she had the chance to talk to Logan, the better. After all, it was better to know where you stood than to be left wondering.
There was no sign of him at their little cabin, so Amber checked in the main lodge building next. She walked through the rooms that were almost finished and felt both a sense of pride and a twinge of sadness. What would happen if Logan truly didn’t share her vision for the future? How would that change things for Taking the Reins and everything they were trying to build together?
It was a thought she couldn’t dwell on. At least not yet.
One thing at a time.
With no sign of Logan inside, she went next to the stables, which should have been her first stop, as it was his favorite place to be. With the horses.
Sure enough, she found him standing next to Peanut’s stall, stroking the horse’s muzzle. From a distance, Amber could see he was talking to the horse, and it didn’t surprise her. After all, that’s what his entire business was founded on. Their entire business.
She took a step back.
Again, the reality of what she was doing slammed into her. What would happen to Taking the Reins if she told him how she felt and he didn’t feel the same? Everything they’d been working for together could be jeopardized. And for what? A passing thought?
Was it really just a passing thought?
She couldn’t be sure.
Not yet. And if she wasn’t completely sure, she simply couldn’t take the risk. Not unless she was one hundred percent sure about what she really wanted.
Amber turned and walked from the stables. She swiped blindly at the tear that threatened to slip down her cheek. The only thing
she could be sure of was how much she loved Logan and how she couldn’t bear the thought of losing the love she’d only just discovered.
Chapter Sixteen
Drew’s hands shook with nerves she hadn’t felt for years. It was ridiculous. After all, it was just Ben. But it wasn’t just Ben. It was Ben.
Her mom and dad had offered to watch Austin for the evening so Drew and Ben could go out on an actual date. She’d sat down and talked to her mom, who despite being unsure about Drew moving on, especially with Ben, had declared that she’d be supportive.
And Drew believed her.
Her dad had just hugged her, kissed the top of her head, and told her, “Kiddo, you only have one life. Just be happy.”
His support brought tears to her eyes, but it wasn’t surprising. Her parents had always just wanted the best for her and watching her go through Eric’s illness and ultimate death had taken a toll on them, too.
There was a new movie playing at Timber Theater, and it had been so long since either of them had seen a movie that wasn’t on Netflix, it seemed like a good first date. Nothing with too much pressure.
Perfect.
Except even without too much pressure, Drew was feeling it. Her hand shook as she applied eyeliner and a quick swipe of mascara. She’d never been the type of girl to go out without at least a little makeup on her face and on special occasions, she definitely liked to kick it up a level. Not that a movie was a special occasion…
Her hand hovered over her eyeshadow palette. Was that too much? Would she normally—
“I’m totally overthinking this.” She laughed at her reflection in the mirror, but left the eyeshadow alone, opting for some lip gloss instead.
“You look nice,” her mom said as soon as she appeared in the kitchen. “It must be a—”
“It’s not a special occasion.” She held up a finger to prevent her mother from finishing the sentence. “It’s just a movie.”
Her mom pressed her lips together in an obvious effort to stifle a smile and nodded, but thankfully, didn’t say anything more.
