by Elena Aitken
None of it had been okay.
Her pulse raced, sweat beaded along her forehead, and from somewhere beside her, she could hear Mitch’s voice, but it was coming through a tunnel and was so far away. The room tilted and for one terrifying moment, she was sure she was going to pass out.
“Drew.”
Eric?
She tried to look around, but couldn’t focus on anything. But he’d said her name. She was sure of it. Eric.
“I’ve got you.”
She closed her eyes and let his support hold her up. Deep breath. Then another. Finally, she nodded slightly. She could do this. She had to. And she wasn’t alone. Eric was there. He’d said so. He had her.
“Eric.” She said his name so softly, she couldn’t be sure she’d said it at all.
“You can do this, sweetheart. Let’s go see Austin.”
Her eyes snapped open. Eric never called her sweetheart. “Ben?”
“I’m here, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”
Ben.
Of course.
Her heart both swelled and fractured in the same moment, but she couldn’t dwell on that kind of pain. “I need to see Austin.”
“Are you okay?”
She nodded even though it was so far from the truth that she didn’t know in that moment if she’d ever be okay. The hospital was too much. It was all too much.
Ben took her hand and together they walked toward the curtain. “I’m fine,” she said to him and slipped her hand out of his before pushing the thin fabric aside and going to see her son. Alone.
But she wasn’t alone.
Sylvia sat next to Austin’s bed, his tiny hand in hers. But Drew didn’t even look at her. She went straight for her son.
His eyes were closed but he was breathing. Instinctively, it was the first thing she looked for.
Drew picked up his tiny hand and bent to kiss his forehead. It was so hot.
“He’s okay, Drew.” Sylvia’s voice was soft as to not wake Austin. “They have his fever under control now, but…”
Drew looked up for the first time and saw the tears in the older woman’s eyes. “What happened, Sylvia?”
She shook her head, and the tears spilled down her cheeks. “He was fine,” she said. “Maybe a little slower than usual. But we watched a movie and ordered pizza and then…it was terrible.”
“What?” Drew struggled to keep her voice level. “What happened?”
“Well, I put him to bed.” She sniffed loudly and wiped at her face with a crumpled tissue. “But I just had a feeling something wasn’t right, so I checked on him a few times. He felt warm, but nothing crazy. Around ten, I gave him some Children’s Tylenol, but then…about midnight it must have been, I woke up to a terrible crashing sound. Of course, Mitch and I both ran to his room, and—” She broke away into a quiet sob, but a moment later looked up at Drew. “He was having a seizure.”
Drew’s body stiffened and the floor tilted again. No. She would not let herself have another panic attack. Not now.
“A seizure?” The word felt poisonous on her tongue.
“It’s called a febrile seizure.” She turned to see Mark, who’d slipped through the curtain and stood next to her. Her friend put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “They can be somewhat common in young children who spike a fever. They’re more terrifying for the parents than anything else. The fever was likely sparked by an ear infection.”
“An ear infection? But he never said anything about a sore ear.”
Mark shrugged. “Sometimes they come on quickly and if the child doesn’t complain, it would be all but impossible for you to know about it. He’s going to be just fine, Drew. I promise.”
She believed him. She could see it in his eyes. Mark had always been one of the few doctors who was painfully honest with her about Eric’s cancer. Even when Eric himself tried to protect her, Mark would tell her the truth.
“Mom?”
In an instant, all of Drew’s attention was focused on her baby boy. “I’m here, kiddo.” She both wanted to laugh and cry when his impossibly long eyelashes fluttered open to reveal the eyes that reminded her so much of his father. “I heard you’re not feeling very good.”
“Where were you, Mom?”
Guilt stabbed her straight in the heart, but she didn’t flinch. Instead, she glanced at Sylvia, who offered her a smile and a small shrug.
“I was out with Uncle Ben, kiddo. But I’m here now. I’m so sorry I didn’t hear the phone when Grandma called.”
“It’s okay.” His lips twitched up in a tiny smile that broke her heart. “Can we go home now?”
Drew looked to Mark for the answer.
“Not yet, buddy. I think I’ll keep you here overnight to make sure your fever is controlled. But in the morning, you should be all set.” He turned to Drew. “If you like, I can—”
“I’m not going anywhere.” She cut him off before he could suggest anything ridiculous, like sending her home.
But Mark only chuckled. “I didn’t think you were. I was going to offer you a more comfortable chair and maybe a cup of coffee.”
Letting Drew go to Austin’s bedside alone was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but Ben had let her go. Drew knew he was there for her and he wasn’t going anywhere.
Until the nurse sent him out to the waiting room. “Immediate family only,” she’d said.
“But I’m—” He broke off. Because what was he? The uncle? The brother-in-law? The boyfriend?
No matter how you looked at it, he wasn’t immediate family. That much was certain.
He didn’t like it, but along with his dad, they went to the waiting room where his father and Evan, who was still waiting, filled him in on all of the details of the evening.
“Why are you here?” he asked his friend after hearing all of the details. “I mean, if it’s only an ear infection, it hardly seems necessary to call in the cavalry.”
Evan laughed. “True, but I think everyone got a little concerned when no one answered their phone. Not that there looked like much to be concerned about…” He wiggled his eyebrows and Ben had to hold back from punching him. It was not the time nor the place and he was definitely not in the mood.
Alone, he walked to the end of the room and stared vacantly at the vending machine. He wasn’t hungry, but deciding between a chewy bar and a bag of salty chips would at least give him something to do besides think about how terrified he’d been to hear Austin was in the hospital. Never mind the look on Drew’s face. He would have done anything to take that pain away from her. The worry, the stress. The woman had been through way too much. She didn’t deserve to have one more moment in her life where she ever had to feel that way again.
“He’s going to be fine, Ben.”
“I know,” he answered Evan without taking his focus from the candy bars in front of him.
“Then why do you look so wrung out? What’s going on?”
He shook his head but didn’t say anything. Because what could he say? How could he explain to his best friend that he’d just had the best night of his life? A night that had been so completely perfect but then, so utterly devastating in one moment?
“Ben? Talk to me.”
“She called me Eric.” He hadn’t realized he’d spoken the words out loud. Hell, he hardly realized he’d noticed when she’d called him by his brother’s name early in the ER. But he had.
“She what?”
Ben turned then and looked at his best friend. “She called me Eric,” he said again. “She was freaking out before she went in to Austin. Almost like a panic attack. I thought she might actually pass out and then…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it again.
“Sounds like it was a panic attack,” Evan said. “And can you blame her? When was the last time she was even at a hospital?” He didn’t wait for Ben to answer. “I would be surprised if she didn’t have a panic attack. I’ve seen it a lot as a police officer, Ben. When people are under extreme stress like that
, they say things…they do things…it’s like their body is in complete survival mode, and that’s all their brain is focused on. If she called you Eric, well…” He rubbed the bridge of his nose before speaking again. “Look, man. You’re in the middle of a pretty crazy situation and that woman…she’s been through a lot. Your path? It’s not going to be an easy one. There’s no doubt about that. I know you love her; you always have. And I have no doubt that she loves you right back.”
Ben’s chest constricted. He felt her love, but she hadn’t…well, hearing her say the words was the least of his worries at the moment, but still, it hurt.
He shook his head a little, but Evan kept talking. “Drew has a whole history. One that you’re not really part of, and I know you know that,” he said. “But you really need to understand that. Because that’s never going to go away.”
“I know that.” God, did he ever know it. “And yes, I understand that. But sometimes, Evan, it’s so friggin’ hard.”
Evan chuckled. “Yes it is. But if you’re going to do this, you’ll need to decide one thing.” He looked straight into his friend’s eyes. “Is it worth it?”
He didn’t even hesitate in his answer. “Damn right, it’s—”
“Ben?”
When Drew walked out to the waiting room, she wasn’t surprised to see Ben waiting for her. She knew she could count on him.
Because he loved her.
That’s what made what she was about to do so much harder.
He was deep in conversation with Evan and he looked about as rough as she felt.
“Ben?”
He turned immediately, his face transforming from the hard lines of whatever intense conversation he was having. In two strides, he was across the room and standing in front of her.
“How’s he doing? Dad said it was an ear infection, but he had—”
“He’s fine,” she said, not wanting to relive the details. “Tired and wants to go home, but he’s fine.” She wrapped her arms around her waist to keep from shivering. Not so much from the cold, but from stress, exhaustion, all of it. They’d left the house so quickly, she didn’t have a chance to grab anything to put over the sundress she’d worn the night before.
Ben must have noticed as well. “Here.” He shrugged out of his hoodie and handed it to her. “You look like you’re freezing.”
She took it with a grateful smile.
“Drew? How are you—”
“I’m going to stay the night here with him.”
“Of course you are.” He reached for her hand, but she pulled back, tucking her hands under the hoodie in her hands. Ben hesitated a moment, and then said, “I’ll go get you whatever you need and I can be—”
“No.” She shook her head. “There isn’t any need. I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“You should go home, Ben.”
She wouldn’t meet his eyes. She couldn’t. Because she knew the moment she did, she’d be lost. She knew she wasn’t being fair, but she also knew that at that moment, she was stretched so thin she couldn’t do anything else.
Without another word, she turned and walked away. She could feel him watching her, but she knew he wouldn’t call after her. Not in the hospital. The sobs rose up inside her, clamoring for escape, but she wouldn’t let them. She couldn’t lose control. Not here.
More than anything, she yearned for the feel of his arms around her, holding her and telling her that everything would be okay. Not even two hours ago she’d felt safe in those arms, like nothing could hurt her.
But she’d been wrong.
Because the thing that could hurt her most was beating inside her chest and it threatened to completely shatter her.
Which was why she couldn’t turn around.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“I told you I feel fine.” Austin whined and after a night of barely any sleep in the hospital chair, Drew thought the sound might actually fracture her skull. “Please let me go outside.” He tugged on her sweater and more or less hung off her as she tried to make him a sandwich.
They’d been home from the hospital less than an hour and Drew couldn’t decide whether he really was feeling better and just wanted to go out and play or whether his near tantrum was the result of very little sleep himself and a raging ear infection that the antibiotics had barely had a chance to touch.
She was opting for the latter due to the increasing urgency of his whining.
Drew put the butter knife down and knelt on the kitchen floor in front of him. “I think today is an inside movie and video game day.”
His eyes grew wide at the mention of video games. She never let him play when the sun was shining outside. This was different.
“Really?”
She nodded. “I think after you’ve spent a night in the hospital, you’ve more than earned a little game time, don’t you?”
Austin didn’t need to be asked twice. He nodded like a bobblehead doll and turned to head into the living room. Before he left, he quickly turned back, catching Drew off guard as she started to stand. Austin wrapped his little arms around her legs and squeezed tight. “I love you, Mom.” As soon as she looked down at his little head, he looked up and added, “And not just because you’re letting me play video games.”
She couldn’t help but laugh as he scrambled out of the room to find his remote, his sandwich completely forgotten.
It was a small thing, but it made her life at that moment a thousand times easier. And sometimes parenting was a game of balancing the best thing for the child and the thing that would keep the mother sane. An hour or so of video games wasn’t going to make a difference.
A few hours later, her front door opened with a knock that woke Drew from her nap on the couch while Austin, who had moved from his game to a movie, sat next to her, transfixed with some sort of cartoon robots on the screen.
She spun her head around to see her mother with a plate of what looked like cookies and a grin on her face.
“Don’t judge me.” Drew dropped her head back to the cushion. She couldn’t decide whether she was so tired because of her lack of sleep or her complete and total emotional exhaustion.
Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Ben’s face and the hurt in his eyes when she’d told him to go home. She knew him. It would have killed him to leave her and Austin there and drive away. But he would have. Because she’d asked.
“I’d never judge you, kiddo. Especially when I brought our little patient cookies.”
“Cookies?”
The promise of Grandma’s cookies were worth pausing the movie. Drew listened while Austin told her mom all about the hospital and how his mom had let him play video games all day. If her mother hadn’t judged her before, for sure she would now. But Drew didn’t have the energy to care.
“Come on.” Laura squeezed her leg. “Let me make you a cup of tea. It looks like you could use one.”
What she really could use was to be left alone, but she knew enough to know her mom wouldn’t leave, no matter what she said.
“Okay,” her mom said the moment she was able to drag herself to the kitchen table, Austin once again watching his movie. “What’s going on? I haven’t seen you look so…well…I haven’t seen you look like this since the days right after Eric died. And I know it’s more than just Austin being in the hospital.”
Drew dropped her head to the table and pressed her cheek to the cool wood.
“Drew?”
After a few moments, she took a deep breath and lifted her head again. “He was in the hospital, Mom.”
“I know.”
“I wasn’t there.”
“I heard.”
“I was with Ben.”
“I know that, too.”
Drew couldn’t bear to look at her mother’s kind smile.
“What if…I just couldn’t…I can’t…”
“Sweetie.” Laura pulled out the chair next to her and took Drew’s hand in hers. “What is going on? Talk to me. A
ustin’s fine.”
“I know.” She nodded, more to convince herself than anything else because logically she knew he was fine. Of course he was. It was only an ear infection. People didn’t die from ear infections.
But they did die.
She loved them and then they died.
“What if he dies, Mom?”
“Who?” She tilted her head in question. “Austin? Kiddo, he’s not going to—”
“Ben.” She whispered the word.
“Oh.” Laura nodded and pressed her lips together. “Is that what’s going on? I wondered.”
“You wondered?” Drew pressed both hands to the table and stared at her mother. “You wondered what exactly?”
“Don’t get upset.” Her mother’s voice was so completely calm that it agitated her further. “But I don’t think it’s unusual after the loss of a loved one to fear losing others who you love and especially when it’s—”
“Who said anything about love?” Unable to sit any longer, Drew shot up out of her chair and moved to the sink. “I didn’t say anything about love.” She turned to face her mom, who still wore that same half sympathetic, half smiling look on her face. “And stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
Drew grunted and looked at her feet. She was acting like a teenager and she was completely aware of it. But she couldn’t seem to force herself to stop. The last twenty-four hours had been too much. She couldn’t put into words what she was feeling, and what seeing Austin in the hospital had felt like. Never mind her freak-out. She brought her hands up to her face and willed herself not to cry. Or scream.
But the second she closed her eyes, Ben’s face filled her mind again. Drew shook her head hard and, defeated, dropped her hands to her sides. “Just leave it, Mom.” She looked up at her mom’s face. “Please.”
He’d tried calling her at least a dozen times already. She wouldn’t pick up.
Maybe she was sleeping?
After all, it would have been a late night for her. No doubt Drew was exhausted. It made sense and he might even have been able to convince himself of it, too, but Ben knew better.
