by Elena Aitken
“What’s that?”
“I’ve learned something very important in the last year.” He raised his eyebrow in question, and Drew continued. “I’ve learned that there’s no limit on love. I loved Eric and I’ll never stop loving him.” She could feel the tear slip down her cheek. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t have room in my heart for someone else. Or that the love I can feel for others is any less. But it is different. Does that make sense?” She wiped at her face while Ben nodded slowly. “I guess what I’m trying to say is”—she squeezed her eyes for a moment—“it’s different and amazing and scary and exciting and…did I say, so very different, but...Ben, I love you.”
She’d never said those words to anyone but Eric, not in a romantic way, and the idea of saying them out loud had terrified her. Was it a betrayal to Eric if she had feelings for someone else? No. She knew in her heart that it wasn’t and it would never be. But still, she’d half expected the words to feel strange on her tongue. Foreign or wrong in some way. But they didn’t. It was the exact opposite. A smile stretched across her face and she said it again with a laugh. “I love you.” She laughed again. “I do. I love you.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” He smiled and shook his head a little. “I already knew that.”
Her smile dipped a little as she tilted her head to examine him. “You knew?”
“Of course I knew. He chuckled. “But it still feels damn good to hear you say it. I love you, too. So much.” He took her face in his hands and kissed her with a tenderness that made her want to melt completely into his arms.
“Hey! Buddy just—eww!”
Drew jumped back out of Ben’s arms and turned to see Austin in the door with the wiggling puppy in his arms.
“What are you…ewww….were you kissing?”
“Yes.” Ben wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled Drew close to his side. “We were. Because that’s what people do when they’re in love. Are you okay with that?”
Austin shook his head. But after a moment, nodded slowly. “I mean, I guess. Conner says his parents do that all the time. But it’s still weird.”
Drew glanced at Ben and moved to crouch in front of her son. “I need you to know that just because I love Uncle Ben doesn’t mean I don’t…well, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still miss and love your dad, okay?”
“I know, Mom.” Austin put Buddy down on the floor. The puppy immediately started sniffing around under the table. “Dad told me that.”
Drew almost fell over. She glanced over her shoulder at Ben, who looked just as surprised. “He did?”
Austin nodded enthusiastically. “Well, kind of. He mostly said that you were going to be really sad and then you’d be happy again one day and that would be good.”
“It is good.” She tried to fight it, but she couldn’t stop the flow of tears as she thought about the very grown-up conversation her husband must have had with her son.
She pulled him into her arms and onto her lap the way she used to and held him tight. A moment later, Ben joined them and Drew’s tears flowed in earnest.
“You are happy, right, Mom?” Austin looked at her with the concern of a child.
Through her tears, Drew laughed because it looked so different than she would have imagined, and as much as her heart still ached for all that they’d lost, she was, in fact, happy. “More than I could have thought,” she answered her son honestly.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Two weeks later, on the last week in August, Drew woke up in the bed she now, more often than not, shared with Ben. Only this morning, she was alone. She stretched her arm into the space where he should have been and reached for his pillow. She inhaled the scent of him before rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling, the pillow still in her arms.
They’d fallen into an easy rhythm over the last few weeks. If Ben had stayed over, he’d often get up early with the puppy and make breakfast for Austin before Drew got out of bed. They’d usually both walk Austin to school together, unless Ben had to accept an order at the bar, and then after a quiet coffee together, they’d go about their days.
It felt natural and oh so good.
But this morning felt different somehow.
She sat up, flipped her legs off the side of the bed and stretched her arms over her head. That’s when it hit her.
August 30.
The anniversary of Eric’s death.
The blow of realization almost knocked her back to the mattress.
Had it really been a year?
How much had changed in only twelve months?
Drew squeezed her eyes shut. How had she let herself forget today was coming? Obviously she knew when the anniversary was, but somehow it never seemed real. Was she supposed to feel differently? Was she somehow supposed to instantly be cured of any lingering pain or hurt?
Even though it was ridiculous, Drew gently patted down the length of her body, feeling for any physical differences. Of course, there were none. Her hands, first one, and then the other, lingered over her heart.
It still beat.
Just as it had every day since he’d died. And just the way it would continue to beat. Maybe even stronger now than before.
Because life went on.
“Knock knock.”
Drew didn’t get up, but turned her head to see Ben in the door, holding a mug of coffee.
“Good morning.” She smiled a little, but still didn’t move to get up.
“I thought you might want this in bed this morning.” He lifted the steaming mug and walked into the room. He put it on the nightstand and sat next to her. “How are you feeling?” His eyes landed on her hands that still rested on her chest. “Are you…”
Drew nodded.
Ben helped her up to sitting and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “It might be kind of a rough day.”
She nodded again. “Definitely.”
“Why don’t you grab a quick shower?” Ben suggested. “I just got a kind of strange text from Mark. He said he wanted to come by this morning to give you something.”
“What? Why?”
“I’m not sure. He didn’t say. Just that he didn’t want to impose on our day but he had something to give you.”
Drew groaned. The last thing she wanted to do was see any of her friends this morning.
“It can’t wait?”
Ben shook his head. “I guess not.” He squeezed her hand in his. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he doesn’t stay. I won’t even offer him coffee.”
That made her laugh. She leaned forward to give him a kiss and reluctantly got out of bed. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to be rude to your friend.”
“I’d do it for you.”
“I know you would,” she said from the doorway to the attached bathroom. “And that’s why I love you.”
When Drew got out of the shower, Ben had an easy breakfast of bacon and eggs ready for her, and a fresh pot of coffee. He hadn’t been sure what to expect today, on the anniversary of his brother’s death. For him, it was kind of an ache in his gut. A realization that he really was gone. Not that he needed it, but after twelve months passed, it just felt a little more absolute somehow and final.
“Feeling better?” He greeted Drew with a proper kiss good morning and was rewarded with a sweet smile.
“I actually feel pretty good.” She sat at the table. “It’s kind of strange, isn’t it?”
“Very.” Ben nodded and poured her a fresh cup of coffee. “But also, it feels kind of good in a strange way to know that it’s been a year and not only have we, mostly you, survived it, but it’s okay. Does that makes sense?”
She grinned, just a little, and nodded. “In a strange way, yes.” She turned her attention to her coffee and Ben watched her carefully from the counter. “I still miss him,” she said, with a shake in her voice. “And you know I still love him.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Ben said with sincerity. He’d accepted a long time ago that Drew loved his broth
er, and he also knew that it would never change. Nor did he want it to. Eric was an important part of all their lives. He’d left a hole that could never be filled, and he would never try to fill it.
Ben also knew that Drew loved him. And as far as he was concerned, there was room enough in her heart for both of them.
He put a plate of toast on the table, but neither of them moved to eat anything. Instead, he took her hands in his. “I miss him, too. Every day.”
They sat that way for a few moments, just holding each other and feeling the love between them and around them before Austin and Buddy crashed into the kitchen.
“What’s for breakfast?” He leapt up onto his chair and reached for a handful of bacon. Before either Ben or Drew could protest, Austin dropped a piece of the bacon on the floor and Buddy gobbled it up. Drew shot her son a look, but Ben had to hide his grin when Austin said, “What? You told me Buddy wasn’t allowed to sit at the table. He has to eat, too.”
“He has dog food, kiddo. I don’t want to see that again.” She chastised him, but Ben knew that at least for today, Austin would get away with it. He’d done really well with the dog, and although Buddy was still young and needed a lot of training, he was a smart puppy and was picking up things really quickly. It wouldn’t be long before he’d be able to play fetch, too.
“Can I go outside and play?” Austin grabbed a piece of toast and was already sliding off his chair. “I want to show Buddy his new toy before we go to the lake. Please?”
Drew nodded and Austin took off. They’d planned on spending most of the day, just the three of them at Ghost Lake, doing a little fishing in Eric’s memory, but mostly just being together.
“He’ll be hungry in five minutes.” Drew laughed, but the sound was cut off by the ringing of the doorbell.
Mark.
“Don’t worry, I told you I’d be super rude and make sure he doesn’t stay.”
“You know you can’t be rude to Mark.” Drew laughed. “It’s fine. Let him in.”
Two minutes later, their friend stood in the kitchen and refused the coffee that despite his vow not to, Ben couldn’t help but offer.
“I won’t stay,” Mark said. “I know today might be a hard one.” He nodded once to both of them, but his eyes landed again on Drew. “But I promised Eric something before he died and I don’t break promises.”
“What on earth could you have promised?”
It was Ben who asked, but Mark addressed Drew. “He gave me this and asked me to give it to you exactly one year after he passed.” He pulled a simple white envelope out of his breast pocket and handed it to Drew.
“What is it?”
Mark shook his head and looked at Ben. “I don’t know. But he asked, so…”
“Of course,” Drew said, still staring at the envelope in her hand. “Thank you.”
“He was a great man,” Mark said.
Ben nodded, but focused his attention on Drew. “Do you want to open it now, or…”
She didn’t hesitate. “I think I’ll go…” She got up from her chair and looked at Ben. There was no need to finish the sentence. He nodded and without saying anything more, Drew disappeared to the bedroom.
“Maybe I’ll take that coffee after all.”
Ben nodded, happy for the distraction. Obviously she would need a minute to be alone to read whatever was in the envelope, but he wasn’t about to pretend it wasn’t hard for him too.
“Thanks.” Mark nodded and took a sip as soon as Ben handed him the mug. “How’s she doing with all of this?”
“Good. Mostly.” Ben shrugged and looked to the door Drew had just disappeared through. “Today is hard. But that’s to be expected.” He looked back to Mark. “She’s the strongest woman I know. Everything she’s been through…” He shook his head. “And she still has the capacity to open her heart and love.”
His friend grinned over his coffee mug. “Of course she does. She has you, Ben. Don’t underestimate that.”
Ben was about to object, but Mark put his hand into his jacket pocket and drew out a tightly folded piece of paper. “I have this for you, too.”
“From Eric?”
“He gave it to me later. Right before…well, you know.”
Ben nodded.
“I know it’s not in an envelope, but he didn’t have one and…well, I promise I didn’t read it.”
Ben stared at the piece of paper but didn’t open it.
“Do you want to be alone?” Mark put his mug down. “I’ll go.”
“No.” He shook his head. “It’s fine.”
Slowly, Ben unfolded the paper. He recognized it as a piece that had been torn from Eric’s notebook where Drew had discovered the Bro List. And there, in his brother’s familiar scrawl:
Thank you. For Drew.
Ben read the note twice before looking up. “I don’t understand.”
He handed it to Mark, who read it and smiled.
“What’s he thanking me for?” Ben’s thoughts spun. “For when we were kids and… Or…”
No.
He knew instinctively what Eric was thanking him for.
“For taking care of her now,” he said to his friend. “For loving her.”
“That would be my bet.”
“I know I promised him I’d look out for them, but…” Ben ran a hand through his hair in an effort to process. “How could he know that…” He waved his arm around to encompass everything that he couldn’t put into words.
Mark reached out and squeezed Ben’s arm before giving it a pat. “How could he not, Ben? How could he not?”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
There was nothing remarkable about the envelope that lay in the middle of the bed in front of Drew.
Except it was far from ordinary.
Drew spent a few minutes simply staring at it. She had to open it. That wasn’t an option. But at the same time…what if she didn’t? She went back and forth with her internal arguments before finally she snatched it up and unceremoniously tore it open.
It was only one piece of paper, but the simple sight of Eric’s handwriting brought tears to her eyes.
No.
She wouldn’t cry. Not yet.
First she had to know.
Drew,
Can you believe it’s been a year since I’ve been gone? I mean, I’m sure you can. You had to live with it. And I know, I know—I got to take the easy way out.
She could almost hear the teasing in his voice as she read his words. She shook her head, a small smile on her face, and kept reading.
But it wasn’t easy, Drew. Nothing about leaving you and Austin was easy. It broke my heart every day, thinking about how I wouldn’t be there for the two of you. I’m sorry, Drew. I never told you that. But I’m so sorry. You never deserved this and I know…you’re sitting there thinking that it wasn’t my fault. It was cancer. And you’re right.
You’re always right.
But some nights, when I can’t sleep, I think about how maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I should have listened to you and gone to the doctor right away. Maybe…dammit. The maybes will kill you.
If the cancer doesn’t.
She rolled her eyes at his attempt at humor, but it didn’t stop the tear from sliding down her cheek. She didn’t bother to wipe it away.
Anyway, that’s not the purpose of this letter. Do you remember what I made you promise me? I know you do.
She did.
I made you promise not to die when I did. I made you promise to fall in love again and live. Remember?
Drew nodded. She could remember the moment he’d held her hand and forced her to look in his eyes, dulled with pain, and make that exact promise.
I know you, Drew. The only way I could be at peace with leaving you was knowing that you would be okay. And not just with the daily stuff. Of course you’ll be okay with that. You’ve always been so much more capable at all of that stuff then I ever was.
Through her tears, Drew’s lips curled up
into a smile.
But I needed to know you’d be okay where it really counted.
Now that it’s been a year, I thought you might need a reminder of that promise. Maybe you don’t. I hope to God you don’t, and that you’ve already found it in yourself to love again. But just in case you haven’t…what exactly are you waiting for?
“Don’t worry, Eric.” She murmured the words aloud. “I have.”
Always remember how much I love you, Drew. That will never change. I’ll always be with you, watching over you and Austin and loving the hell out of you.
A sob escaped her throat and she bit down on her lower lip.
Please don’t be sad for me today. It’s just another day. But I know you, and you’re probably shaking your head right now.
She laughed through her tears. He’d known her so well.
So, since I know you won’t listen to me, raise a glass for me today instead. And then go and open your heart fully and completely and live your life because it’s yours to live, baby.
All of my love always, Eric.
Drew finished reading the letter and simply held the paper in her hands. His words were a gift she’d never expected. She allowed herself the time to enjoy it before she lifted the paper to her lips and pressed a gentle kiss on his words before folding the letter and tucking it into the top drawer of her nightstand.
She took a moment to compose herself and wipe her eyes before going out to do exactly what Eric had always wanted her to do. And what more importantly, what she was more than ready to do.
