Chapter 41 – Roger Works It
The team sat on the stage at The Hall talking about George Clooney. Gale, Jinny, and Laleh had done a marathon film fest the previous two days, watching six movies and agreeing that the best were Oceans Twelve, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, and Leatherheads. Gale repeatedly said he was the only man in the world who could wear denim bib overalls and still get into her pants. Jinny agreed with Roger that Renee Zellweger was just killer in her movie with him, although he didn’t know about all the dumb movies she’d made that have killed her rep as a great actress. Laleh wanted to know who David Holmes was, the guy who put together the great sound tract of the heist movie, and said maybe they could get him to do the music for her movie. She took the CD out of her backpack (Gale hadn’t yet been able to break her of this uncouth habit), stuck it in the sound system player, and turned up the volume on John Schroeder's intoxicating tract, "Explosive Corrosive Joseph." After the tract was over she turned the volume down so they could continue talking.
Gale asked Gwen, “How many more days does Roger have to get Clooney before you kick him out of the bedroom?”
“Four.”
Roger said, “Huh?”
“Four days, hon. Then you and the pooch are on your own, come nighty night.”
Jinny said, “Can you do it? Can you get him in four days? This guy is super famous, right?”
Roger said, “I’ll get him,” and looked significantly at his wife, as if to say, 'and when I do we’ll settle accounts.' This pleased Gwen, who looked forward to settlement time. He looked at Laleh and asked, “Can I have Shim for an hour? He can help me write the stuff for the newspaper ads and websites. When we get done the text, we’ll take it down the street to the graphics designer who did the last set that got Townshend to come. That was great work.”
Gale and Jinny looked at Laleh and Shim, who were looking at each other, practicing their newly established partnership telepathy. Laleh vibed, “Roger wasn’t actually asking me to allow you to help him, that was just a figure of speech acknowledging we’re a pair now.”
Shim vibed back, “I know. Roger’s cool. I’ll go help him.”
Shim and Roger rolled their chairs away from the group and set up at a folding table at the back of stage. They heard Gale start to talk about how she should be given the job of acting opposite Big George in the role of the woman whom the assassins were after. They blocked this out and Roger said, “A guy tried this before, you know that?”
“Tried what?”
“Tried to get Clooney to go in with him on a low budget film. It was his first directing job, and he tried to pull a fast one, kind of like us.”
“Did he get it? Did he get Clooney?”
“No. But he made the movie without him, and gave it a cool name….Convincing Clooney.”
“I like alliteration. So how are we going to pull this fast one when the guy with the cool movie name didn’t?”
“Gwen.”
“You mean the magic thing?”
“Yes.”
“I know it works on me,” said Shim. “Does it work on every guy?”
“Not just guys, though we’re all toast with her. I’ve seen her do it on other women. Guys know what’s going on; just can’t do anything about it. Women don’t see what’s happening, but they end up doing what Gwen wants.”
“You know what it is she does?”
“We’ve been married twenty years, and I have no idea. But I dig it,” said Roger.
“So how do we get Clooney within her range of influence?”
“We do like I did with Townshend…lie. But we do it a little differently. We’re going to buy huge ads in the major newspapers around the world, and on the biggest entertainment websites, but we, you, are going to write them as a news story rather than an ad. You write the text, and we take it to the graphic designer we know and have him format it super glossy into some kind of thing that the papers and websites will accept as an ad. They will sock it to us in the cost, astronomical, but that’s ok. If ya wanna play, ya gotta pay.”
“What’s the theme of the text, the main idea?”
“We lie through our teeth. I’ve been working on this since Gwen delivered her threat.”
“The sleep with the dog threat?”
Roger nodded, smiling grimly. “The main idea is that the Charleston Chamber of Commerce announces that Clooney and Soderberg have agreed to do a film in Charleston. That’s what you gotta write in a very gripping way. Make it sound realistic. The Chamber says Soderberg has agreed to come out of retirement, on the following terms: 1. Privately financed, not a big studio production, an indie. 2. Complete artistic control, including distribution. 3. Clooney stars. 4. Not a film per se, not a documentary video of a theater production, a play, but a hybrid of the two; never been done before. 5. Completely produced in an 800 seat theater in Charleston. Can you write that?”
“I can write anything if Laleh and Gwen tell me to. Oh, and you, of course.” Shim to tried to get his foot out of his mouth. “But I don’t get the bit about the Chamber of Commerce. Won’t they say ‘who the hell is doing this?’”
“They will. In fact, they will raise holy hell, and they’ll sue us, and will get a restraining order, and everything else their lawyers can think of. It won’t be pretty.”
“Why do it then? And who, exactly, will get sued?” He was worried now about being the author of the news story ad.
“It’s our hook. It’ll make it appear legitimate. If someone anonymous were to put this out to the entertainment world, it would appear suspicious. If we put a bona fide name on it, like Charleston Chamber of Commerce, it will carry weight.”
“And that’s also why we’ll get sued.”
“Right. But don’t worry, Gwen and I will take that rap. You’ll be a ghost writer. And everyone else too, Laleh and Jinny and Gale.”
“You’re not worried about that?”
“I’m more worried about getting kicked out of the bedroom. Besides, we have deep pockets, and our lawyer will deal with all that shit. We’ll have more important stuff to work on, like how to manage the film genius and the movie stars. You, also, will have more important stuff to work on, like writing the screenplay, assuming Laleh convinces Gwen that you should, and she convinces Soderberg and Clooney.” Roger paused, then said, “But I wouldn’t worry about that part too much. After you finish with the text for the news story ad, I’d get working on the screenplay.”
“What screenplay? What’s the movie about? I mean the play; the hybrid filmyplay. Whatever it is?”
“It’s Laleh’s movie, remember? We’re just hired help. It’s about a Middle Eastern woman that stole some money from some important political people because she was sick of them, and now they’re on her ass to get the money back and for revenge. You forgot your girlfriend’s idea?”
“She’s my girlfriend?” asked Shim.
Roger looked at him and thought, ‘I gotta make allowances for this. He’s a writer.’ He said, “Let’s focus on this thing right now. The clock is ticking on the bedroom thing. We gotta get the text done, get it to the graphics guy, and get it into the papers and onto the websites tomorrow. Ok?”
Shim thought, ‘Ok. Laleh and Gwen and Roger all want this, so let’s rock.’ He said, “Anything else in addition to the Chamber of Commerce thing?”
“Yeah, a few more ideas for you to work into the text. Write these down: 1. Soderberg says screw you to LA and NY. Wants to work in a small, beautiful city with lots of character. 2. Clooney says he’s tired of the big time, also wants breathing room, wants to downsize. 3. Soderberg says he loved Ingmar Bergman films, and he knows Bergman always directed theater productions along with his films, and wants to do the same. 4. Clooney has a secret daughter that wants to go to College of Charleston, so he wants to come here and see what the place is like.” Roger waited for Shimmey to get these notes down on paper. “Got that?”
<
br /> Shim said, “Got it.” He looked at Roger. “All these are lies, aren’t they?” Roger nodded. “Everything I’m going to write is a lie, isn’t it?” Roger nodded again. “Everybody is going to sue us, aren’t they?”
“Well, some of the people and companies are going to sue us, yes. Clooney and Soderberg won’t.”
“How do you know? How do you know they’ll agree to do the filmyplay hybrid thing, and won’t sue us and put us in jail for thirty-three kinds of fraud, libel, and defamatory slander?”
“Gwenny.”
“Gwenny is going to….?”
“Convince them.”
“Using the thing she does, the magic thing?”
Roger nodded.
That made Shimmey feel better. A little.
The Ayatollah's Money Page 41
