I considered this carefully over the course of three large spoonfuls of ice cream.
“In one of the situations, you get kissed, in the other, you don’t,” she went on. “I know which one I’d go for.”
I nodded. So did I.
Chapter 16
As the first of three rehearsals began two days later, I ran in the door, cursing the time it had taken me to do my hair and get dressed after my shift at the mall.
But it had been worth it, judging by the look on Austin’s face, as well as Casey’s, who was there with his band.
We were doing all the musical numbers tonight, in order to get the set-up of the instruments straight. The show had really taken on a whole new push once Casey had gotten his guys on board. There were now over 200 replies to the event, and we had over 10 acts. Everyone wanted to help a charity at Christmastime. This was going to be huge. Austin said his grandmother was over the moon.
Luckily, his grandmother wasn’t there that night to see the absurdly short, red skirt I was wearing. And low cut green top. And white fishnet stockings… I looked like an elf on the naughty list. The very naughty list.
I had been in shows before where I had been wearing much less (there had been a Playboy Bunny themed retelling of Hamlet that had been… chilly). But this was the first time that I was wearing something like this as me, not just on stage. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, seeing their faces, I worried I’d gone a little over the top.
“Hey, everything all set up for the rehearsal?” I said, ignoring the way Austin’s eyes most definitely did not meet mine. I tried to avoid rolling my own eyes. If I had known this was all it took to get your attention, I’d have tried it sooner.
“Uhh, yeah,” he said, finally tearing his gaze from my cleavage. He frowned as he noticed that Casey and his band mates continued to appreciate the view. “Hey! Guys! Get set up!”
They went about plugging in their instruments, and I turned to set my bag on the chairs. It was great how the entire space looked transformed with just a few quick changes to the wall decorations. I was starting to get the jittery excitement that I used to before every show in college and high school. I turned back to Austin and an entirely different set of jitters took over. It was as if the butterflies were attempting to burst out of the very small amount of fabric between them and the world.
“This place looks great,” I said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.
“Yeah, it does,” he said, with another quick glance up and down my body. I tried to hide a smirk. Eat your heart out, Southern Belle Barbie.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help finish the decorations,” I said. Two girls had been sick that week and I’d been able to pick up extra shifts at the smoothie bar. Good for my cash flow, bad for my ‘Kiss Austin’ project.
“It’s fine, it was good for me to have something to do,” he said with a small, sad smile. “Keep my mind off things.”
I nodded, and was about to say something, when Casey’s drummer counted off and they began their set.
We were busy the rest of the evening adjusting, making notes, and, on my end, continuously pulling down the skirt that was most definitely completely impractical for this kind of evening. But the glances Austin sent my way told me (and my butterflies) that it was having the intended effect.
When the last group finished and everyone started packing up, I sat in the front row, exhausted from running around and not wanting to risk getting into someone’s way and falling over, exposing more than I’d intended. Austin was helping the last group. Casey called out to me as he headed towards the door with the rest of his band.
“Hey Jamie,” he said, and I saw Austin’s eyes look his way. I sat up a little straighter in the chair. “The guys and I are headed to Pete’s Pizza, if you want to join us.”
Hmmm, the skimpy outfit card played out nicely. Let’s try the jealously card.
“Sure,” I said, standing and grabbing my jacket. “I’ll meet you guys there?”
He smiled and headed out.
I walked over to Austin and invited him.
He shook his head.
“Too much to do here, and then I’m going to head home to gran.” His face was unreadable. I frowned.
I thought of my mom, but knew she was already asleep.
“Ok, see you at the next rehearsal.”
“Bye.”
I stalked out moodily, and decided it wasn’t worth going to get food I couldn’t buy anyway. I headed home to the dark house and tried to think of what to do next, but fell asleep before I got too far. Sometimes figuring out life was just exhausting.
Chapter 17
Despite Miranda’s urgings, I showed up to the next rehearsal in my normal clothes.
If Austin noticed any difference, he didn’t say anything. In fact, he greeted me with unusual excitement that evening.
“It’s just a rehearsal,” I said, sorting through all the props the different acts would need. Not many; just dancers and singers tonight. “There will be a lot of mistakes, don’t get too excited.”
“I got the programs from the printers!”
Um, okay crazy hot guy, they’re just programs. Calm down.
“Oh,” I said. “Was your gran happy with them?”
He nodded. His eyes were sparkling in a very adorable way, and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“I think you’ll like them, too,” he said, shoving one into my hands.
We’d done the design together, so the Jingle Bell themed cover didn’t surprise me. The name of the charity was front and center, so everyone knew all the good they were doing.
I looked over the names, double-checking they hadn’t forgotten anyone. Then, in the middle, right before intermission, was my name.
“Um, why is my name in here?” I tried to keep my voice calm.
“You’ll be a great end to the first act!” He said it with so much enthusiasm that I almost, almost let myself get excited about the idea of being on stage again.
Then reality came crashing down around me.
“Austin, I haven’t rehearsed anything,” I said. “No monologue, no song, definitely no dance.”
“You’ve done tons of shows, just pull out something you’ve done before, it’ll be fine.”
“No, it won’t.”
“There’s still a few days to go, and you don’t have to practice in front of the others, just for me.”
“A few days? I can’t just blow everything else off like you can Austin, I have work, and-“
“You found the time to help set it all up,” he interrupted. “You should be up there, too.”
“I can’t,” I said firmly.
“Why not?”
“I just can’t,” I said, turning away. My shoulders were heaving with constrained emotion. I was so close to breaking down, but didn’t want to let him see me cry.
“Hey, Jamie, it’s okay,” he said, stepping towards me. I moved away, turning away from him and hugging my arms around me. “I’m sorry. I thought… it’s just the way you talk about all this stuff sometimes, it sounds like you miss it…I just thought it would be fun, that’s all. ”
I shook my head.
“I do miss it,” I said, looking out at the room full of empty chairs. “It used to be fun. I used to love it.”
“So what happened?”
I shook my head again, more forcefully.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said firmly. This wasn’t the time or the place to get into it.
“Look, Jamie, I just wanted to do something nice for you,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “To thank you for all your help.”
“Forcing me to go on stage isn’t the way to do that.”
“How am I supposed to know that?” he said, throwing his hands in the air. “You never talk about you. I’ve dumped all my problems on you, you know all about my family, my life, and I don’t even know if you have a family.”
The tears that had be
en threatening to fall finally did.
“Well, I don’t have a family, okay?” I said. “My dad had a heart attack at my spring variety show and was in the hospital for weeks before he finally…”
This was not what he had been expecting. Austin stared, open mouthed, his eyebrows furrowed. How is he even cuter now? How is that possible?
“My sister disappeared the day after the funeral and we haven’t heard from her, only two texts to tell us she wasn’t coming to Thanksgiving or Christmas. And my mom is a ghost; depressed, sleeping through most of the day. I’m working three jobs to try and help pay for everything since she’s not working as much.”
I was in full on snot mode and didn’t even care. He was still just staring with that concerned look, beautiful in his cluelessness at how to respond to my outburst. Though to be fair, I doubt Miranda would even know how to handle me like this. I was a mess.
“So I’m sorry you miss your family, Austin,” I said, chest heaving. “I really am. And it sucks your girlfriend broke up with you right before Christmas. But I’ve helped you as much as I can. You and the others know what to do, it’s all written down. I don’t need to be here anymore.”
And with that, I ran out of the auditorium into the street, my sobs echoing into the cold night air. I was halfway home before I realized I’d forgotten my jacket.
Chapter 18
I heard the doorbell ring and didn’t move from my bed. It was either Miranda or Austin. I didn’t want to see either of them. Miranda because she’d try to cheer me up, and I didn’t want to be cheered up. Austin because… well, I knew in my heart it wasn’t him anyway. The show was the next night and he probably had a ton to do, now that I’d abandoned him. I kind of thought he’d at least return my jacket.
The doorbell rang again, and I heard my mom walk slowly down the hall. I should have gotten up, she really should be resting, but I was being selfish. I turned over and pulled the covers tight around me. For once, I’m thinking of me first. Everyone else will just have to wait.
But when I heard the voice at the door, and my mother’s shocked gasp, I was up in a flash.
“Caitlyn, what are you doing here?” I head my mother say as I thundered down the stairs.
I stopped halfway down and stared at the door. It really was her.
“Can… can I come in?” she asked timidly. I was tempted to say no, but of course my mother didn’t.
“Of course, sweetie,” she said, opening the door. She led her to the couch, and started turning on lights. I realized how empty the living room looked without all of our family pictures. She’d packed them all up somewhere. I don’t think I’d been in the room in months. We hadn’t brought down the tree or any of the decorations. You couldn’t tell that Christmas was three days away by the look of things. It looked more like we had just moved in.
I came down the stairs slowly and stood at the bottom of them, leaning against the railing, my arms crossed.
“I thought you said you had to work.” My voice was angry and bitter, and I did nothing to soften it.
“I don’t, I lied,” she said, the tears starting to fall now. “I just couldn’t face being in this house. It’s so sad now, without him.”
“Gee thanks,” I said, pointedly looking back up the stairs away from her. “Glad to know we’re just some sad people you can forget about.”
She didn’t say anything, but her silent tears increased. Her breath was coming out ragged, as she took deep breaths to try to calm herself.
“I didn’t forget about you all,” she said, wringing her hands. “I just had to go and process things on my own for a while.”
“Leaving us to deal with everything!” I said, turning my head back to glare at her, my arms still crossed.
“Jamie, please,” said my mother, her voice soft, getting up off the couch to come stand next to me and putting a gentle hand on my shoulder. “She’s here now, can’t you be happy to see her?”
“Why?” I said, starting to blink back my own tears, willing them not to fall. I didn’t want to let her see how much she’d hurt me. Some big sister you were, abandoning me. “So she can just leave again whenever she feels too sad?”
“I’m sorry I left,” she said. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. It was just…”
I glared, not knowing what she could say that would make me less angry, less hurt. Though the “I’m sorry“ was nice to hear...
She looked at me.
“I’m here now,” she said finally, after taking a big breath. “All my stuff is in the car.”
“And Damian?” our mom asked.
She shook her head. Was everyone breaking up now?
“I haven’t been myself these past months, and nothing he could do or say was helping,” she said. “I need to be with my family, he could see that.”
“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry,” said my mother, heading back to the couch to pull her into her arms. Seriously, Mom, comforting the traitor? She deserves to be broken up with.
Okay, that was kind of mean.
“No, it’s fine,” she said into my mother’s shoulder. Her tears had mostly stopped. “He said he would try to find a job here, that he would come later, after the holidays. We’d find something close by.”
“Cincinnati was never that far,” I mumbled. My arms had uncrossed. I hadn’t realized she was here to stay.
She wiped away the last of her tears and stood up. She came over to face me, and looked me in the eye.
“I’m sorry, Jamie,” she said. “I could have visit, I know. I’m sorry I didn’t.’
I sniffed and looked up, a different kind of tear starting to form in the corner of my eye.
“I worked it all out with my job,” she went on. “I can work remotely for a few weeks, see how it goes. I might need to go back and forth sometimes for meetings, but I’m here now. I can help.”
I looked at her, and she had that determined look she’d always had as a kid, the one that meant she’d made up her mind and no one would change it for her.
“I want to help. You can go back to school in California, or go somewhere local, whatever you want. I’ll take care of it.”
The tears were definitely falling now. I wiped them away uselessly; they just kept coming.
“I think I’ll stay local for a while,” I said quietly. “It’ll be nice to see my big sister again.”
My mom threw open her arms and hugged her, and I hurried over to join in the first family hug we’d shared in months. It felt like we were missing someone, and maybe it always would, but it still felt right.
Chapter 19
In her first act of sisterly reconciliation, Caitlyn drove me to the show the next night. I hadn’t called or texted Austin to let him know, I just prayed he’d be happy and wouldn’t care why I’d disappeared like a freak the last time he’d seen me.
I had, however, spent an extremely long phone call with Miranda explaining everything. I’d only told her that I’d yelled at Austin and ran out of the show, so now she got to hear all the details.
“Is it fixable?” I had asked when I’d finished, biting my nails.
“Of course!” she cried, exasperated. “Christmas miracles happen every day. Your sister is proof of that.”
We plotted and planned what I would do, but in the end, I knew I just had to wing it. I had tried so hard to plan things with him, practicing what I’d say, or put on one of my acts. I needed to be myself for once. My goofy, awkward self. If he didn’t like it, well, he would be gone in a few weeks and my life would go on either way.
Caitlyn wished me luck and drove off to go Christmas tree shopping. I told her we didn’t need gifts as well, but I had a feeling there were already a few in her trunk she hadn’t brought into the house yet. When my sister decided to do something, she went all in. Christmas at our house would put Miranda’s house to shame.
As I pushed open the back door to the auditorium, I tried to be as quiet as possible, to see how things were going. I was late, and had m
issed the first two acts, and decided to wait until intermission to go tell Austin I was here. And that I was sorry.
I heard the performers chattering backstage, and waved a quick hello to some of them. They didn’t know about my big meltdown, so no one seemed surprised to see me there. But they all seemed oddly nervous about something, more on edge than I’d expected.
The closer I got to the stage, the bigger the pit in my stomach got. My butterflies had been buried in cement.
I heard Austin introducing the next act, and I was shocked at how nervous he sounded. He was so confident, so at ease at the gym and with others, I hadn’t realized he wasn’t all that comfortable on stage. He had seemed happy enough at my suggestion of him doing the introductions, which I had done as a way to avoid getting on stage.
Maybe he didn’t know he had stage fright until he was up there? There were an awful lot of people in the audience tonight. He was sweating under the lights, clutching the notecards we’d written up like they were his oxygen support line. He read word by word, never looking up, his voice in a trembling monotone. I could hear the audience shifting and coughing.
Well, this won’t make his gran proud at all.
I took a deep breath, ran my fingers through my hair, and stepped onto the stage.
“Austin! Thank you so much for holding my cards while I was in the ladies’ room,” I said with a huge smile at the crowd. I fell into a vaudeville personality and started a rambling patter, making jokes about the weather, pulling out a few classic Christmas punch lines. Austin visibly relaxed, and handed off the cards to me, wiping his brow in an exaggerated motion. That got a laugh out of the audience. He shot me a grateful look and mouthed a “thank you” with his unbearably perfect lips, and headed off stage.
The rest of the first part passed in a blur, the performers all doing great, and the crowd cheering enthusiastically at intermission.
“Jamie!” he said, running over to me as I headed backstage for a break and everyone else headed to the lobby for snacks. I had convinced his gran to serve holiday treats and make even more money. “You came!”
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