by Lynne, Donya
Razor’s advice whispered through his mind.
But his patience was waning. Sooner or later, he would reach a breaking point, and when that happened, all bets were off, despite Razor’s words of wisdom.
The elevator doors opened, and a renewed sense of frustration fueled his steps as he marched to his apartment like a Navy SEAL about to open a can of whoop-ass on a terrorist encampment.
He unlocked his door, stalked inside, yanked off his tie, and whipped it onto the couch as he disappeared into the hall. Entering his bedroom, he wrangled off his jacket and flung it onto the bed as if it were a rock he couldn’t throw hard enough.
All the aggression felt good. Like he was actually doing something for a change instead of sitting around on his ass like a useless lump. He unfastened the top buttons of his shirt as he stormed into the bathroom and flipped on the faucet.
“Fuck!” He cupped his hands under the cold, running water then splashed it on his face before lifting his gaze to the man in the mirror. A tormented ghost glared back from the reflection, a stream of water drizzling off his chin.
He didn’t want to rush things, but the universe needed to get off its ass and start working on that sign he’d asked for, because his patience was running out.
Chapter 4
January 9
Karma sat on the couch across from Jan in her office, which felt more like a cozy living room than a clinical setting. Maybe that was the point, because it was a lot easier to relax in a home than in a sterile white room.
“How was your Christmas?” Jan said, situating her iPad on her lap.
“Difficult.”
Jan’s eyebrows ticked inward. “How so?”
Karma struggled to put her feelings into words. “I don’t know. I just felt…” Sad. Angry. Miserable. So in love it hurts to breathe, to get up, to move, to even think. All I wanted was to see him again. Talk to him. Hear his voice. Touch him. Slap him. Scream at him for leaving me alone.
“Karma…?”
Tears sprung to her eyes. She tried to blink them away. “I thought a lot about Mark on Christmas.” She sniffled and grabbed a tissue from the end table. “Everything seems to be getting worse instead of better.”
The weeks of rehashing her relationship with Mark during these sessions, as well as writing about him in her blog, were mounting an offensive strike on her emotions that felt like an invasion. It didn’t help that the self-doubting voices she’d endured since being bullied as a child had started whispering in her head again.
She’d been a fool to think that four blissful months with Mark would be enough to eradicate a lifetime of torment.
She turned pleading eyes on Jan. “Shouldn’t I be getting better by now? I mean, we were only together four months. How could only four months hurt this much?”
Jan sat forward and spoke softly. “Because you loved him, Karma. And first loves are always the hardest to get over. Some people never get over them.”
“But…but…” Karma finally gave in and let herself cry.
She just wanted her life to go back to normal. Problem was, she no longer knew what normal meant. After spending a glorious summer with Mark, he’d redefined what normal was.
For example, was this normal? All this heartbreak and sadness? Karma had never had a boyfriend before Mark, so she had nothing to compare to. All she knew was that the day Mark left, a whole lot of emptiness had invaded her life.
Maybe what Jan said about first loves was reason to hope, though. If first loves were the hardest to get over, maybe all this pain and misery was normal. Wasn’t it true that the first time for anything was the hardest? The first kiss. The first time riding a bicycle without training wheels. Losing your virginity.
So maybe all this pain wasn’t so much a normal reaction to losing a man she loved but a result of experiencing her first loss of love. The sorrow and despair were amplified not because it was Mark, but because she’d fallen in love for the first time. Mark just happened to be the one she’d fallen in love with. The good news was at least now she could check this first off her list so she never had to deal with it again. Next time, breaking up wouldn’t be so hard. But this time? Yeah, this time sucked.
But the misery blistering her soul was caused by more than just losing him. With Mark, she had found herself. Really found herself. He had helped her uncover the woman she’d always wanted to be but had been too afraid of, right down to her sexuality. Talk about bringing someone out of her shell. Not only had Mark pulled her from the shell, but out of the ocean, up the beach, and deep into the mainland.
He’d been more than just a simple first. In four months, he had revolutionized her existence. No wonder she was so messed up without him there to guide her.
Without him, she couldn’t stop herself from dragging her withered body back toward the only safety net she’d ever known: the shell she’d spent over a decade in. The mainland was too much for her to handle alone. The childhood taunts crept back in. Her fledgling confidence, which had flourished under Mark’s tutelage, faltered. Getting back to the ocean and into her shell seemed the only way she would feel safe again.
And, damn it, that pissed her off.
She didn’t want to lose the woman she had become. She liked who she’d been with Mark. Somehow, she had to find a way to recapture that woman on her own.
That was why she was in Jan’s office now. As much as she still loved Mark, it was time to stand on her own. But she needed help to learn how. Jan could guide her back to the mainland and help her put Mark behind her.
“Are you okay to continue?” Jan said when Karma finally regained her composure.
She nodded and wiped under her eyes. “Yes, I think so.”
Jan relaxed into her chair. “Be patient with yourself, Karma. This is only our fifth appointment. You’re not going to get over him just like that.” She snapped her fingers. “It takes time. Breathe through your sadness. Fully experience it. That’s the only way you’ll be able to understand it, learn from it, and eventually move on.”
With her dad and her friends telling her to forget Mark, she had begun to think there was something wrong with her for continuing to think about him. That maybe she was defective since she couldn’t just stop loving him and get on with the next big thing. Now, here came Jan, who wanted her to revel in her sorrow. Well, maybe not revel, but at least not discount it. Not just toss her sadness away like threadbare socks that no longer served a purpose. Jan was giving her permission to hurt and feel the pain losing Mark inflicted.
“Have you heard about the five stages of loss?” Jan set down her iPad.
Karma shrugged. “No.”
“Many relate the five stages of loss to the death of a loved one, but they can apply to any loss. Especially the loss of a relationship.” Jan uncrossed her legs and sat forward. “The five stages are denial and isolation, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.” She ticked them off on her fingers. “The theory is, when we experience loss, we go through all five phases in one way or another, and everyone goes through them differently. Sometimes, the first emotion we feel is anger or depression. Sometimes it’s bargaining.”
“What’s bargaining mean?”
Jan sat back and recrossed her legs. “Thoughts such as, ‘if only he’d done this,’ ‘if only I had one more chance.’ That sort of thing. Sometimes, a person might try to make a deal with God or turn things over to the universe: ‘Please, God. If you give me another chance, I’ll do such and such.’ There’s a lot of negotiating with a higher power you perceive has control over the situation, as if it’s not you controlling your destiny but someone or something else. People make promises to God in return for Him to take things back to how they were before the loss occurred. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.” Karma had done her share of bargaining after Mark’s departure.
“Some people get stuck in the bargaining phase, mistaking fate for loss. They look for signs, which serves only to keep them rooted in place instead of moving forward
. People stuck in bargaining often become angry or depressed. Sometimes both.” She paused for a breath. “The other thing that can happen is that the person becomes intensely remorseful or guilty, which prevents healthy healing. In my experience, I’ve found that people who get stuck in the bargaining phase feel they’ve made a mistake or enabled the loss to occur, and oftentimes they feel as if their head is warring with their heart. Rationally, they understand the loss, but emotionally, they resist accepting it.”
“I don’t want to get stuck. I want to accept that he’s gone and move on.” Mark wasn’t coming back. She needed to work through her emotions and let go.
Jan winked and smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll help you.” She clasped her hands in her lap. “So, how many of the five phases would you say you’ve been through since Mark left?”
“Obviously, depression.” Karma’s sadness had been what led her to Jan in the first place.
Jan offered a benign smile. “Obviously.”
“Bargaining. I’ve definitely had a lot of if only thoughts.” Whether or not she was stuck there, though, she wasn’t sure, but she didn’t think so.
“Okay.” Jan picked up her iPad and made a note. “What else? Do you think you went through denial?”
Karma thought for a moment then shook her head. “No, not that I can think of.”
“Any anger?”
She recalled blaming Mark and being mad at him for driving away without even trying to fight for what they had.
“Yes.” Karma hadn’t been excessively angry, but there were times if Mark had been standing in front of her, she would have slapped him.
Jan made another quick note then placed her tablet in her lap. “So it sounds like you’re working through the five phases pretty well.” She smiled and lifted her hand off her lap. “You might be a bit stalled in the depression phase—not stuck, but stalled—but that’s pretty normal, especially for women. I’ve noticed that men tend to get stuck more often in anger or bargaining.” She smiled as if amused. “I think it’s a control thing.”
This made Karma smile. “I can see that.”
Jan’s expression softened. “So, now we just have to work you through your sadness and help you move toward acceptance. Just remember that you can’t force yourself to move on. That’s why I said you need to breathe through the sadness and experience it. You need to pay attention to your feelings and let them teach you what they need to teach you.”
“Does this mean I’ll move into denial next?”
“Maybe. But more than likely, if you haven’t experienced denial by now, you probably won’t. Denial usually comes pretty soon after the loss, if not immediately after.”
Karma remembered the way she’d reacted when her phone rang the evening after Mark’s departure. She’d thought for sure it was Mark only to be disappointed when it was her friend, Lisa. Maybe she’d been in denial up to that point, hoping he would come back. But when she saw Lisa’s name on her caller ID, all hope evaporated, and denial with it.
“You know, I think I did go through denial. For a few hours after he left, at least. But then I realized he wasn’t coming back.”
Jan made a note on her iPad. “Good. Then we just need to work through these last lingering feelings to find acceptance.”
She made it sound so easy.
“And you’ll help me?”
“Yes. That’s what I’m here for, and it’s why I asked you to start a blog. Writing your feelings will help.” She paused. “I read it over the weekend. Your blog, I mean. Excellent stuff, Karma. Very evocative. I’m curious, though, why you named it Chocolate Chunk Brownies.”
Karma knew Jan would ask, and she felt her face heat. “It was something Mark said to me once.”
Jan’s curious gaze implored her to continue.
Karma took a deep breath, willing her emotions to remain in check. “It’s kind of silly.” She briefly hid her face in her hands before taking a deep breath and diving in. “Before Mark and I had sex, he taught me…things.” Her face blazed with embarrassment. She couldn’t believe she was revealing such intimate moments. “One of the things he taught me was the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm. Before Mark, I never even knew there was a difference or that there were different types of orgasms.”
Jan rested her chin on her hand and grinned as if hearing this story entertained her.
“Anyway, the analogy he used was that a G-spot orgasm was to a clitoral orgasm what a chocolate chunk brownie drizzled with warm caramel and vanilla sauce was to a piece of Dove chocolate. He said that while both were good, one made you moan while the other just made you smile. He said he was going to give me a chocolate chunk brownie.”
And he had made good on his promise. Many times.
Jan’s grin turned into a smile. “I like that. He has quite a way with words.” Using her stylus, Jan made another note on her tablet. “But so do you. What you wrote was very insightful and well written. Have you ever thought about being a writer?”
“My degree is in journalism.”
Jan made another note. “I see. So, do you want to write?”
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you?”
Karma shrugged. “There weren’t any jobs in my field after graduation.”
“Maybe you could write a book. You don’t have to work in journalism to write. You just need the desire, a pen, and a piece of paper. Or a blog,” she added as an afterthought.
Mark had said something similar to her once. Perhaps they were both right. Maybe her new blog could ease her into the idea and help her figure out her writing future.
After several seconds of silence, Jan lifted her tablet again. “Why don’t you tell me what you liked best about Mark. Why does it hurt so bad that he’s gone?”
Karma dropped her gaze to her lap and picked at her thumbnail. “He was just different. He made me feel different.”
“How so?”
She remembered the night Mark had stood behind her in front of her mirror.
“He helped me see myself with new eyes. When I was a kid, my brother, his friends, and a bunch of my classmates, teased me. I was a gangly, awkward kid. All arms and legs, no curves, especially where my breasts were concerned. I developed late. Kids made fun of me. Not a day went by that someone didn’t say something about my small breasts or my body.” She frowned as those old taunts echoed inside her mind. She no longer believed them, thanks to Mark, but now that he was gone, those naysaying voices crept back in to chip at her self-esteem. “After I told Mark about what had happened to me as a kid and how it still affected me as an adult, he took me to my mirror, stood behind me, and began ticking off all my features.” She smiled as she remembered his words. “He told me I have beautiful skin, that my eyes were the most captivating eyes he’d ever seen, that my body was perfect. As I looked at my reflection, I began to see myself the way he saw me. He made me feel beautiful and sexy and desirable, and I’d never felt that way before.”
“And are you any less beautiful, sexy, and desirable now that he’s gone?”
Excellent point.
“No.”
“So, Mark opened your eyes to who you really are. Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes.” Fond memories of their time together played through her mind. “And it wasn’t just the way I saw my physical body that he helped change. It was everything. Being with him made me feel more confident.” She curled her feet under her and nestled against the arm of the couch. “I don’t know how to explain it, but he empowered me. He taught me things about life, about sex, about me and what I want and who I want to be. I began standing up for myself. All my life, I let people walk all over me. I never stood up for myself.” Karma grinned at the memory of when she let loose on that bitch Jolene at work and then again at her parents’ house on Memorial Day. “After I met Mark, all that changed. I refused to take other people’s shit, anymore.”
“So, Mark helped you find your voice, too? And he helped you feel m
ore confident, in general?”
“Yes.”
Jan quietly eyed her then said, “Have you ever considered that maybe Mark’s purpose in your life was simply to be a catalyst?”
“What do you mean?”
“It sounds like he brought out the best in you. He helped you discard old beliefs and old ways of thinking that weren’t serving you. Maybe that was his purpose in your life.”
Karma had benefited in so many ways from knowing Mark. She was a better person now than she had been a year ago, and it was all because of him. But if he had only been a stepping-stone for her, wouldn’t that mean she had been the same for him?
“Well then, what was my purpose in his life?”
The tiny laugh lines at the outside corners of Jan’s eyes crinkled as she smiled. “That’s for him to find out. We’re here to help you.”
Karma’s brow furrowed as she glanced out the window at the partially frozen pond. She felt like she was missing something. Some vital clue about Mark, his intentions, or maybe his purpose in her life
She didn’t feel as if he’d been just a stepping-stone.
So then…what was he?
By the end of the hour, Karma felt both relieved and conflicted. As if a weight had been lifted and another, lighter weight, had replaced it. Recounting the details of her special times with Mark had ripped her heart open all over again…and yet healed a tiny piece of it at the same time.
“I want you to keep writing in your blog,” Jan said, setting her tablet aside. “Every day, even if only a paragraph or two.”
“Okay.” Karma gathered her purse and dabbed another tissue on her damp cheeks.
“Also, before our next appointment, I’d like you to make a list of all the things you enjoyed before you met Mark. Besides writing, what were you passionate about? Think all the way back to when you were a kid. What gave you the most joy?”
Karma tossed the tissue in the trash can. “Do you want me to write that in my blog, too?”
“That would be perfect.”
Karma’s mind was already sifting through her memories, trying to come up with all the things she used to like. Had life really existed before Mark? Sometimes it didn’t feel like it.
