by Lynne, Donya
Then the edge of a journal caught her eye. She dug it out from the bottom of the box. “Karma’s Poetry” was scrawled in permanent marker over the worn, brown cover.
She flipped it open and read the first page, which was a poem she remembered writing in eighth grade.
The Caterpillar
By Karma Mason
I look in the mirror
What do I see?
A tiny worm
Staring back at me.
She’s sad and plain
And a little grey
And I have to wonder
How she got that way.
Was it the jokes, the teasing,
The ruthless jeers
That hurt her heart
And fed her tears?
She wants to sing
And wear a grin
But the pain she bears
Feels like a sin.
Is this how life
Will always be?
With a worm in my mirror
Staring back at me?
Or will someday
I wake to find
That all this time
I was only blind?
Will I fall asleep
One day soon?
Tucked away,
In a cocoon?
And when I wake
Will I finally see
A beautiful butterfly in my mirror
Staring back at me?
Karma blinked back the tears and closed her notebook. She no longer saw herself as a tiny caterpillar or a worm. She had become a beautiful butterfly, all because of Mark. He had given her this gift. The gift of true sight. Like a guardian angel sent to sweep away anything that dulled her confidence, he had helped her see through the filmy cobwebs that had tainted her self-vision since childhood.
Her laptop summoned from her desk, which had been transplanted from what was now her exercise room back in February.
Taking a seat in her chair, she pulled up her blog and began a new entry.
M,
I love you. I’ll always love you. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. You’ve given me so much.
Even now, eight months after you’ve left, all I have to do is open my keepsake box, breathe your scent on the pillowcase I folded and tucked away there, and I’m back in bed beside you. I’m back in your arms, tasting your kisses, listening to your heartbeat as I rest my head on your chest.
But you’re not really here. I can’t really feel you, or taste you, or listen to the beating of your heart. It’s all an illusion. I’m remembering you the way I want to remember you, not the way you are.
My intuition tells me you love me as much as I love you, but that your fear of failure and heartache is greater than that love. I want more. Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, I want the fairy tale, and I want my prince to climb up to my balcony, even though he’s afraid of heights, and claim my heart. I want the man who isn’t afraid to risk his heart to win mine. Who is strong enough to rise up against heartache, look it square in the eyes, and say, “Fuck you, heartache. I won’t let you keep me from what I want. I won’t let you keep me from the woman I love.”
I’ve met someone new. He asked me out, despite previously going through a divorce. Our first date is tonight. Maybe he’s exactly what I need. He’s certainly willing to put himself out there, even though he has every reason not to. But here I am, sifting through memories of you, hurting, wanting you so badly I could kick myself. I don’t want to love you, anymore. I want to move on. I want to move on with B. I want to give him a chance.
It’s time for me to let you go, M. I love you, and I’m grateful for everything you’ve shown me, but I have to learn how to tell you good-bye.
She published the post, shut down her laptop, then sat very still. Eyes closed. She willed herself not to cry anymore. Deep breaths, one after the other. She drew the air in through her nose then slowly blew it out her pursed mouth as if she were meditating.
Mark was in her heart, but he would never be in her life again. She had to accept that. She had to find peace with the knowledge that sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes the pain of the past bears more weight, controlling those who can’t let go and move on. And there was nothing—absolutely nothing—she could do about it.
Finally she stood, replaced the lid on her keepsake box, returned it to its place in the back of her closet, and finished getting ready for her date.
When Brad arrived a half-hour later, she opened the door with a smile on her face and hope in her heart.
“You ready?” Brad asked, his brown eyes gleaming.
Karma took a moment to breathe and say a final good-bye to the past. “Yes. I’m ready.”
Chapter 12
Despite wearing a heavy jacket, Karma was still cold as she stuffed her hands into her sleeves. To make matters worse, it was beginning to rain. Thank goodness the game was almost over.
What had possessed Brad to think their first real date should be a minor league baseball game? It was April. Not the warmest time of year in Indiana.
“Sorry.” Brad pulled out his umbrella and opened it. “I hoped the rain would hold out until after the game.”
“No such luck.” She forced a smile. Hopefully, this wasn’t a bad omen for their relationship, but she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.
She dismissed her jitters. Her hesitancy was just a symptom of her still getting over Mark. That was all. Once she gave Brad a chance, she would see how silly all her worries were and that Brad was really the perfect guy.
When the game ended with a loss for the home team—under such nasty conditions they could have at least won to make enduring the cold and wet worthwhile—Brad took her hand and led her toward the exit.
“Your hand is freezing.” He wrapped his more securely around hers.
“I forgot my gloves.”
The rain began coming down harder, and they huddled under the umbrella as they scurried down the sidewalk in the direction of the parking garage.
“Wow, it’s really coming down.” He was practically jogging now.
Thankfully, she could keep up.
By the time they reached the parking garage, they were breathless, and their sneakers and pant legs were drenched.
He helped her into the car, shook out the umbrella, tossed it on the floor of the backseat of his Camry, then hustled around to the driver’s side and hopped behind the wheel. Within seconds, he had the engine started and cold air blasting from the vents.
“It’ll heat up in a few minutes,” he said, putting the car in gear.
Karma’s teeth chattered for a couple of miles before the engine heated up enough to shoot out warm air. She finally began to thaw.
“Are you hungry?” Brad glanced across the seat at her.
She shook her head. “No.” She was cold and soaked. There was no room for hunger right now.
Twenty minutes later, he pulled into her apartment complex and drove around to her building. The rain was still coming down hard, so he snagged the umbrella from the back and came around the car to help her out and shield her from getting even more soaked.
Once inside, he set down the umbrella and stood beside her at her door.
“Sorry about tonight,” he said. “I guess going to a baseball game wasn’t the best idea after all.” He offered her a sheepish, almost defeated grin that tugged at her heart.
“It’s not your fault.” She faced him more fully. Maybe if she showed she was still interested he wouldn’t feel so bad about the disastrous date.
He took a tentative step closer. “I promise to do better next time.” He placed his hands on her hips, and his cheeks shaded pink.
She bit her bottom lip and rested her hands on his arms. “Will there be a next time?” She tried to sound flirtatious but felt like she was forcing it.
“I’d like there to be a next time. Would you?” His gentle gaze caressed hers.
A quiet ache vibrated in her chest, longing for
the man who was no longer a part of her life and never would be again. She shoved past it and took a trembling breath. “Yes.” Brad deserved this chance, and she deserved to find happiness. If Brad could make her happy, why not push forward with him?
“Then how about dinner tomorrow night?”
“Tomorrow’s Easter. Won’t you have Jade?”
He shook his head and pressed a little closer. “Her mom has her this weekend.”
Karma could tell he was going to kiss her. Any second, he would press his lips to hers. Did she want that?
“Okay then,” she said. “Dinner tomorrow night.”
He grinned. “And maybe a nice safe movie indoors. No rain this time.”
She giggled. “Yes…dinner and a movie. Inside. No rain.”
“I’ll pick you up around six.” He began to lower his face to hers.
“Okay.” She practically held her breath.
When his lips brushed over hers, she felt…well…there was a little tingle of warmth that shot down her spine, but the sensation was nothing like what she’d felt when Mark kissed her. Mark’s talented lips had nearly blown off her toes. Brad’s simply warmed her. But Mark’s lips were blowing off another woman’s toes now. Karma needed to learn to be happy with what was right in front of her, not yearn for what had once been.
And maybe Mark had simply affected her the way he had because he’d been her first real lover. Perhaps fireworks weren’t supposed to go off every time a guy kissed her. Maybe the way it felt with Brad was normal.
Running her hand up Brad’s arm to the back of his neck, she opened her lips and licked her tongue against the seam of his mouth. She could use what Mark taught her to increase the fire. Maybe that would help.
Brad moaned and exhaled through his nose as he opened and slid his tongue against hers. His arms eased around her back and pulled her closer.
Closing her eyes, she could almost envision he was Mark. Almost. But it was enough to let her get a little lost in Brad’s more excited good-night kiss and to feel a tiny burst of arousal bloom between her legs.
Brad finally pulled back and took a heavy breath. Karma opened her eyes and blinked up into his, which were glazed yet smiling.
“Good night, Karma.” His hold loosened.
“Good night.”
He pressed a lingering, chaste kiss against her mouth. Then he released her and pulled away, clearing his throat.
“I’ll see you tomorrow night.” He backed toward the stairs.
“See you then.” She pushed open her door and waved as he started down the staircase.
Inside, she draped her jacket over the arm of the couch and set her handbag on the floor before peeking out the window at his retreating taillights as he drove away, the same way she’d done when Mark drove away that last time. Only this time, she knew Brad would return. This time, she didn’t have to worry about Brad leaving her.
Maybe his kisses hadn’t pushed her toward cardiac arrest the way Mark’s had, but they were safe kisses. They still simmered even if they didn’t boil. Brad was a keeper. He wouldn’t run away from commitment.
She glanced back out the window just as Brad turned the corner and disappeared from view.
This would be good. It would.
Finally, she could say a last good-bye to Mark. She had a new boyfriend, and she was moving on.
Part II
Together Again
Chapter 13
Five months later
September 4
In her car in Solar’s parking lot, Karma stared at the diamond ring on her finger. She had never seen the proposal coming, and yet, yesterday, at her parents’ Labor Day cookout, Brad had asked her to marry him.
Everyone had just finished chowing down on burgers, baked beans, and potato salad while sitting around the large patio table when Brad addressed her dad.
“Mr. Mason, I’d like to ask you something.”
“Please,” her dad said, “call me John.”
Dad liked Brad. At least he acted like he did. Karma thought he was just happy that she’d finally moved on from Mark, which was why he was overly welcoming when she’d shown up at the cookout with Brad. Her dad had heard about him for months, but this was the first time they’d actually met.
Brad offered a deferential smile. “John then, I’d like to ask you something.”
“Sure, ask me anything.”
Across the table, her brother Johnny, whose behavior was much improved from last summer, bounced his one-year-old daughter on his knee. Johnny’s wife, Estelle, looked on. Both had been surprisingly quiet and polite, but Karma knew the peace could only last so long. Johnny would eventually show his ass again.
Brad took her hand and squeezed. “John, I’ve been dating your daughter for six months.” He paused as she turned and gave him a quizzical look. What was he doing? “I love her, and, with your permission, I’d like to ask her to marry me.”
Thud! Marry him? Where had this come from? She’d never seen this coming.
Her mom uttered a soft squeal and covered her mouth as her eyes lit up. Johnny stopped bouncing his baby. A slow grin spread over her dad’s face as he clasped his hands under his chin.
“Brad, I can think of no one better to marry my daughter.” He pointedly met her gaze, his meaning clear. He was ready for the Mark Strong chapter of her life to be officially over. Marrying Brad would guarantee that.
Brad pulled a diamond ring from his pocket, scooted back in his chair, and got down on one knee. “Karma, with your dad’s blessing, and in front of your family…” His whole face beamed as he poised the ring at the tip of her finger. “Will you marry me?”
She stared at him, her hand in his. Everything about this moment was perfect. Wasn’t it? She glanced around the table at her family. This was what she wanted, right? She wanted to be married. She wanted a husband, a family, and a life where she was no longer alone.
As she took a deep breath and nodded, a tiny burst of alarm resonated in her soul. She brushed it aside, forcing herself to leap forward rather than stay rooted in the past. Even after a year apart, Mark’s memory still rested in the back of her mind. She was beginning to think she would never completely get over him. But the Mark she still thought about from time to time was the Mark she wanted him to be, not the Mark he really was. She had to keep reminding herself of that. And she couldn’t let her life stall out on a fantasy.
Case in point. Brad was offering her the future she wanted. She would be silly to refuse.
“Yes, Brad. Yes, I’ll marry you.” She was striding forward, furthering herself a little bit more from her memories of Mark.
Brad had slid the diamond onto her finger and hugged her. Even her brother had congratulated her. Surprise, surprise. Maybe there was hope for him to grow up yet.
Karma broke from her thoughts when her phone chimed, planting her back inside her car. She quickly gathered her purse and bag and hopped out. She’d sat so long reliving Brad’s proposal she was now officially late.
Oops.
She rushed up the sidewalk and into the lobby as her phone began ringing again.
“Good morning, Nancy.” She rushed past the receptionist.
As she took the stairs to the second level, she fished through her purse for her phone. At the top of the stairs, she finally pulled it free and checked the screen.
Lisa. Why was Lisa calling her?
Darting down the hall to her desk, she slapped her phone to her ear. “Lisa, what’s up? Sorry it took so long to answer. I’m running late. God, I need to talk to you.” She had yet to tell Daniel and Lisa that Brad had proposed.
“Karma! Will you shut up! I need to tell you something.”
Sheez! What was up with Lisa?
Karma dropped her bags on the floor at her desk and booted up her computer. “Fine. Sorry. What?”
At that moment, the door to Don’s office opened.
“Ah, there she is,” Don said, gesturing toward her.
Lisa was still
talking in her ear. “Karma, don’t freak out, okay, but…”
Everything fell into slow motion. The earth dragged to a near standstill on its axis. Lisa’s voice sounded like she was talking through a layer of cotton. And Karma was sure her chin hit her desk as her mouth fell open.
“Mark’s here!” Lisa hissed. “In Don’s office. Right now.”
Karma almost dropped her phone as her gaze met Mark’s for the first time in a year.
“I know,” she murmured and hung up.
And just like that, in the time it took for a light to come on once the switch was flipped, all her hard-fought efforts to get over him vanished.
He was back. Mark was here.
And didn’t her wildly beating heart know it.
Chapter 14
Mark had to fight the urge to scoop Karma into his arms and kiss her. She looked good. Different but the same. Her hair was shorter, a little redder from the brown he remembered from before. But gorgeous nonetheless. And she looked leaner, more sleek, like she’d put on muscle but not weight.
He’d been prepared to come back for her two months ago, on the Fourth of July, when the sign he’d been waiting for finally came. How ironic was that? Just when he’d wrested back control of his own fate, the universe had come through. How did that saying go? A watched pot never boils. The phrase was spot on in this case, because he’d all but given up on the universe bringing him a sign when Don called him out of the blue at the end of June.
Mark had been in Wisconsin, finishing his assignment, making plans to come to Indianapolis and win back Karma’s heart when he had received a call. He had been on a conference call with Carter Mitchell’s management team at the time, but when he saw the name on his caller ID, a zap of awareness shot through his body.
Don Jacoby? Why would Don be calling him after all this time?
