by Ford, Linda;
Her arm brushed his as she straightened her skirt, and he felt her stiffen. Wanting to put her at ease, he whispered, “Joanna, I didn’t mean to speak out of turn. I’m sorry.”
She grew very still. Then she tilted her head close to whisper, “It’s not your fault. But I’m not used to compliments, and it surprised me. No apology necessary.”
Nor, he guessed, did she want him to retract his statement. She’d likely not heard near enough praise. He could remedy that. He whispered, “I meant it. Your hair is very pretty.”
She smiled, keeping her attention on her hands where they lay in her lap. “Thank you.”
Then the preacher announced it was time to begin.
“That’s Levi,” Joanna whispered.
He’d guessed as much when he saw the vest. He wasn’t sure what to expect from a rawhide preacher—thunder and damnation probably.
They began with hymns. There were no musical instruments, but the congregation sang in beautiful harmony. Beside him, Joanna’s rich alto voice blended perfectly with Cora’s sweet soprano. Somewhere nearby, a deep bass joined in.
He’d attended many services growing up, the singing accompanied by a reedy organ and led by a monotone preacher. But never had he heard singing like this. And somewhere deep inside, he felt a warm touch, as if the presence of God hovered near. A bubble of unadulterated joy tickled a corner of his heart, creating a totally unfamiliar and not unpleasant sensation.
Levi started to preach. Ah, but the man was gentle and persuasive enough to half convince Rudy to throw himself on God’s love and mercy.
But preaching didn’t reach into the real world. Rudy waited for the feeling to pass. Just like this sense of peace and contentment at Joanna’s side would pass, replaced by the reality of life the moment they stepped from this place.
The service ended, and they filed outside where Joanna introduced him to Levi and then Trace, Mandy’s husband.
The feeling of something deep and special clung like it meant to set up a homestead.
For the life of him he couldn’t decide if he wanted to fight it or see where it went.
Chapter 7
Joanna looked around the table. For the first time there were eight present—the three sisters, husbands of her younger sisters, Cora, and now Rudy and Freddy. She could not explain why she should think it seemed satisfyingly complete, despite Austin’s absence.
Levi, as was customary, rose to give the blessing, then they all turned their attention to the food. Joanna paused, the bowl of potatoes in her hand. “I’m going to miss these family dinners.”
Levi looked at each of the sisters. “Seems a shame to break up the buffalo gals.”
The three girls groaned in unison, and Trace chuckled.
“I suppose it’s too much to hope we could get through a meal without this being brought up,” Joanna grumbled, not daring to look at Rudy. She could feel his grin.
“The buffalo gals?” His voice rang with amusement. “There has to be a story behind that.”
“There certainly is, and it’s about time you heard it.” Trace filled his plate and tasted his food as he drew the minute out. “Ouch.” He jerked his feet away from Mandy and gave her a reproachful look, but other than that paid no mind to the kick she’d delivered. “You see, these girls have followed their pa all over the West. Seems the man has tried everything from work on railroad to gold mining to”—he shot a teasing grin at Mandy—“buffalo hunting.”
Trace and Levi laughed heartily.
Joanna hoped her sisters would make their husbands pay when they got home but guessed it wouldn’t happen. Their annoyance as they studied their husbands was liberally laced with admiration. Being in love sure took the teeth out of a good disagreement.
“They showed up one day asking after their pa, and someone said, ‘You mean the old buffalo hunter?’ So they started calling the girls ‘the buffalo gals.’ Suits them, wouldn’t you say?”
Rudy grinned at Joanna, his eyes flashing with amusement and something more, something that slipped right past her hard-learned lessons and plopped all soft and mushy into the bottom of her heart.
“It suits them to a tee.”
Was it only her imagination that read admiration and warmth in his voice?
Glory snatched the bowl from Levi’s hands. “Who can blame Joanna for wanting to move on when she gets this kind of abuse every time you see her?”
“Abuse?” Levi stared at Glory like she’d appeared out of nowhere. “It’s frank admiration of how tough and self-sufficient you gals are. Isn’t it, Trace?”
Trace draped an arm over Mandy’s shoulders, pulled her close, and kissed her nose. “Very true.”
“Yuck,” Freddy said.
Glory and Levi chuckled, but Mandy’s eyes glowed with love.
Joanna groaned in mock despair. “I fail to see that my little sisters are self-sufficient anymore.”
At that, both husbands roared with laughter. It was Levi who finally was able to speak. “They don’t need us for anything except”—his eyes filled with warmth—“except love.”
“We all need love,” Trace said.
Freddy made a rude, disbelieving noise, but Glory and Mandy murmured agreement.
“Seems I’m on my own, then.” She lowered her head to study the food on her plate, but she could not stop her gaze from darting to Rudy. She wondered if he, at times, felt the same strange loneliness that crept up unannounced and uninvited to wrap her heart in wintery cold.
Something in his look called to her, asking for something, but she couldn’t say what.
“Joanna.”
Levi’s voice rescued her from her tangled thoughts.
He considered her kindly. “Are you sure you want to sell this place and move?”
“Of course she does.” Glory leaned forward to peer around at her husband. “Of course you do. Levi, don’t you be trying to persuade her to stay and keep an eye out for us. Joanna, we’re all grown up now. You don’t need to worry about us anymore. You can do what you want with your life.”
“I’m just saying… “Levi held out his hands. “Joanna, make sure it’s what you want and not what you think everyone expects of you.”
“I appreciate your concern, Levi, but I’ve always done what I wanted.”
Both Glory and Mandy spoke at once, voicing protests, each trying to outshout the other.
Trace reached for Mandy’s hand to silence her.
Levi laughed, his eyes adoring his wife.
“You have taken care of us as long as I can remember,” Mandy said. “Even before Ma died. By then you’d been acting like both Ma and Pa for years. I don’t even remember Ma.”
“She was sick a lot. I think she got tired of living.”
Glory snorted. “More like wore out from following Pa around. Some men just aren’t made for staying. Thankfully, I found one who is.”
“Me, too,” Mandy said.
Again Joanna felt cold and alone and dared not look toward Rudy. He’d made no secret of the fact he wasn’t the sort made for staying. Footloose and fancy-free. And she would do well to remember it. But what difference did it make? Her plans didn’t include staying either.
Thankfully, the conversation turned to other things, and the rest of the meal passed pleasantly enough. Yes, she would miss these Sunday afternoon family gatherings. But there had to be something more out there for her.
Had she inherited her pa’s wanderlust? Heaven forbid.
Everyone moved at a leisurely pace on Sunday, so it was much later before the meal was over and the dishes done. Levi and Glory were the first to leave, saying they must check on the folks at the mission.
As Trace and Mandy prepared to depart, Joanna noticed a longing look in Cora’s eyes. “You go with them. You haven’t had a visit in a while. I’ll manage supper on my own.”
“I’ll help her,” Rudy offered.
“Me, too,” Freddy added.
With those two offers, Joanna didn’t feel
quite so alone.
Cora accepted with a grin and left with her brother and new sister-in-law.
Rudy and Freddy ducked into the far bedroom and changed out of their Sunday clothes; then Freddy hurried to take the ashes out. Rudy followed, whistling under his breath. Through the window Joanna watched him set out the washbasins. Every few minutes he would glance toward her, mouth some words, and chuckle.
She could read his lips. Buffalo gals. So he thought that was funny? Let him laugh. Everyone deserved to enjoy a bit of humor.
After he did this the fourth time, she no longer felt so charitable and marched from the kitchen. He saw her coming, leaned back on his heels, and grinned.
His smile welcomed and teased at the same time. Something wrenched within her, a sensation both sweet and painful. She didn’t waste time trying to figure out what it meant but steamed forward, not pausing until she was practically toe-to-toe with him. “You think being called the buffalo gals is funny?”
“Sure do, ma’am. Funniest thing I’ve heard since—well, never mind. It’s plumb sweet, that’s what it is.”
Sweet? She crossed her arms. “You stop to think we might not like it?”
He sobered. “Can’t see why you wouldn’t. I think the Buffalo Gals of Bonners Ferry are going to put this place on the map.”
“It’s already on the map.”
“Then you’re going to make it famous.”
“I’m not staying to see if your prediction comes true or not.”
Every remnant of his smile fled, and his eyes grew hard as stone. “Nope. You’ll be leaving on the first train out of here.”
She snorted. “There’s no train, and I’m not leaving until I sell this place.” Why was she always insisting she would soon be gone? To Levi, to her sisters, and now to Rudy. They already knew it, and yet over and over she repeated it.
“Guess there’s nothing to make you want to stay.” It wasn’t a question but an acknowledgment of the facts. No reason she should take objection to it, but she did.
“My sisters are here.”
“Obviously not enough.”
“You’re talking in riddles.” Then it hit her what he likely meant. “You saying I’m like my pa?”
“I expect you have your reasons for wanting to leave. We all have our reasons.”
She couldn’t think. Couldn’t speak. She wasn’t like Pa. She kept telling herself that. She didn’t want to leave to get away from painful memories or to avoid responsibility. “Sometimes we need a reason to stay.”
Freddy sauntered into sight, carrying the cat over his shoulder. The animal seemed completely comfortable though Joanna couldn’t see how it was possible.
“You have a reason to stay someplace now.” Rudy nodded toward Freddy. “Him.”
Her confusion and anger dissipated like early-morning fog. “He seems almost happy at times.”
“Still hates me a good percentage of the day.”
She’d promised to help them and instead had got all twisted up with her own feelings. She wouldn’t let it happen again. “I have a suggestion. Why don’t you two make something together?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Surely you can think of something.”
“Maybe.”
The customers began to congregate, and Joanna hurried away to finish supper preparations.
Rudy stared after her. She certainly swung from prickly to helpful with the speed of a raging fire. But her suggestion was perfect, and he knew exactly what he’d make… a cart that functioned like a wheelbarrow so she could move firewood and other loads with little effort.
But now he needed to help her with the meal as he’d promised. “Freddy, Joanna needs our help.”
Freddy lowered the cat to a stool and took his time about saying good-bye to her. Rudy studied the pair. Seems he’d need to consider getting Freddy a pet when they settled someplace. A pet seemed to bring out a gentle side in the boy. “Wash up. Joanna wouldn’t want you handling the food with dirty hands.”
Freddy spared him a scowl. “I was gonna wash without you telling me.”
“Sorry. No offense meant.”
Freddy headed for the washstand without acknowledging Rudy’s apology. Rudy scrubbed good, too, then they went into the kitchen.
“How can we help?”
“The table needs to be set.” She glanced out the window. “Not many here tonight. Set it for twelve.”
Rudy counted out the tin plates and handed them to Freddy then grabbed handfuls of cutlery and followed. The next few minutes were busy with preparing the table. By the time they finished, Joanna was ready to let the men in. She glanced at Freddy and seemed to make up her mind on something.
“Freddy, why don’t you collect the money? All you have to do is stand at the door. Everyone drops in the same amount. Here.” She handed him the can.
Freddy’s chest expanded enough to threaten the seams on his shirt, and he favored Joanna with a wide smile as he took the can. But the look he sent Rudy’s direction did not include a smile. The boy couldn’t have been plainer about what he meant by the set of his mouth. He wanted Rudy to know he liked doing things for Miss Joanna. He wouldn’t willingly, eagerly, do them for Rudy.
The knowledge cut through Rudy’s thoughts, leaving a jagged wound. Why should he care so much? They were stuck together and had to make the best of it. No reason to expect more. He didn’t need the boy’s affection. Didn’t need approval from anyone.
Joanna touched his arm.
The brush of her fingers soothed his troubled feelings.
“He’s afraid and thinks if he can stay angry at you, he can’t be hurt if you leave.”
“I’m not leaving him.”
“Does he know that?”
“He should.”
“Sometimes a person needs to hear it said.”
“I don’t believe words mean anything. Actions are what matters.” He’d tried to make it clear, but Freddy didn’t believe him.
Her low laughter was musical and sweet. “Both matter.”
The men began to file in, and there was no more time for discussion. Rudy was grateful. Or so he told himself. But inside him a longing, full of dark emptiness, made itself felt. Words. Only one person had ever given him words of affection and commitment… Betty. They meant nothing. So why did an empty spot in his heart practically beg for words?
He snorted at his foolish thinking and headed for the kitchen, where he took a big bowl of potatoes and carried them to the table. As he returned to get another bowl of food, Joanna headed for the dining room with a pitcher of gravy. They met in the doorway and as they passed, their shoulders brushed.
“Sorry,” he murmured. He should have waited for her to go first.
“Not a problem.”
Their gazes caught and held, and that empty spot opened its hungry mouth. She smiled, and a frisson of light entered the darkness.
“No need to be nervous around me,” she said, her voice singing through his thoughts. “I’m not going to bite you.”
He chuckled more out of confusion than amusement and hurried to take the platter of meat from the warming oven.
No, she might not bite, but she was going to leave. Why did it matter one way or the other if she seemed anxious to be on her way? It didn’t. Except… Well, except he wondered if she really wanted to go. Or was she driven by the same spirit her wandering father had?
She said a person needed a reason to stay.
What would be enough reason for her?
He dismissed the question and forced himself to focus on the meal.
Joanna certainly knew how to prepare an abundance of tasty food. He’d never heard a word of complaint from any of those sitting around the table, and tonight was no exception. The stopping house wouldn’t be the same without her. Especially if someone bought it with the idea of serving beans and bannock every meal. He ducked his head to hide a smile.
Seems a shame for the eldest buffalo gal to abandon Bonne
rs Ferry.
But it was none of his concern, and he’d do well to remember it.
Monday afternoon, when it looked like Joanna had a few minutes to spare, Rudy appealed to her. “Freddy needs new clothes. The ones he has are either too small or practically worn out.” Mostly they were both. “I’ve never purchased things for anyone but myself. Would you come with us to help?”
“I’ve never bought things for a boy.”
“You still know more about it than I do. After all, you raised two younger sisters.” He refrained from referring to them as the buffalo gals, but it tickled him to think of them as such.
She laughed. “Seems you should remember being a little boy better than I would.”
He let himself drink from her smile.
“You were a small boy once, were you not?”
Her words forced him back to that time, and his heart clenched as if someone squeezed it with a giant, cruel fist. “I prefer not to recall those days.”
Her eyes narrowed, and she studied him.
He would not allow himself to turn from her gaze but did his best to keep his face void of emotion. He failed miserably. The memories flooded his insides as if a dam of contaminated water had broken free.
The concern in her eyes said he hadn’t disguised his feelings.
“Rudy.” She touched his arm, and her touch warred with the raging pain until he feared his insides would explode. “What happened?”
He knew she meant what happened in his childhood to create a maelstrom of emotions that he couldn’t hide. He clamped his teeth together. He would not spill the truth. It belonged in the past. But the words erupted unbidden, uncensored. “I wasn’t wanted. Joe was a year older, and my mother’s world revolved around him. I was only an added inconvenience.” Stop. Stop. Stop.
But the words continued to pour forth. “She had words for me, all right. Every day she spoke them. ‘Get out of my sight.’ ‘Don’t hurt your brother.’ ‘Don’t bother me.’ ‘I wish you were never born.’”
Joanna’s eyes glistened. “Rudy, how awful.”
Finally, mercifully, the words stopped. But the pain boiled within him. He should have never lifted the lid.
