by Anna J.
I kept up the pace as I made my way to the principal’s office. Taking a seat on the bench, I put my head down so I could catch my breath. It was obvious that Kevin and his goons came back and told the entire school that I willingly had sex with them yesterday. By the time the office aide noticed me sitting there, I was a mess. She told the principal I was out there, and walked me into her office so we could talk. I could hear “Tears” playing from the small radio on the principal’s desk as she got up to close the door behind the secretary. I put my head on the desk and cried, wondering to myself how my life had ended up this way.
As the sun sets and the night comes around I can feel my emotions coming down. But now I pull the covers off my bed saying to myself, “tonight I’ll forget. . .”
Jasmine
Full Of Surprises
“So, you’re telling me that Monica is having your baby?” I said to James with so much venom dripping from my voice it could have burned a hole in the floor. I know he didn’t just tell me some bullshit like that. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure why I was so surprised, because when they were propped up on my damn table there surely wasn’t any protection popping off. I damn sure don’t remember seeing any condom wrappers on the floor that day, so why would they have used one any other time?
“I’m telling you that’s what she told me, but I haven’t spoken to her since then, so I’m not sure how true it is.”
“And if she is, James, what are you going to do?”
At that point I felt like my world was crumbling around me. I swear, every time I thought I could pick up the pieces and put everything back together, another issue came around, messing it all up again. It was like I had a black cloud hanging over my head. Haters were always trying to knock a bitch back.
The fact that James was so cool about the situation was pissing me the hell off. If—and I stress the word “if ”—Monica was indeed pregnant, she was not giving that baby up. She’d keep it just to make me miserable, and I’d be damned if I wanted that constant reminder in my face every day. James and I had our owns kids to raise, and not that we were hurting for cash, but her having James’s baby would be another mouth to feed, even if it was only part time. Call it cruel, but I didn’t want that baby anywhere near me and my kids. It was as simple as that.
Looking over at James, I wanted to knock that stupid ass look off his face. I was trying so hard not to place all the blame on him, but if he hadn’t pressured me into that threesome shit, none of this would be happening. I wanted to jump on his neck and choke the shit out of him, but on the flip side I was disappointed in myself for letting it go that far. I honestly was trying to please my husband in the beginning, but then it got way out of hand. I had no business being over at that woman’s house either, and I knew it.
Starting to feel lightheaded and a tad on the nauseous side, I took a seat on the arm of the couch so I could gather my thoughts and get my head on straight before I went back to my brother’s house. More than ever I was hoping my black clouds did have a silver lining. I had to put my life back together before it was too late.
“James, we’ll talk about this some more, but not today. Right now I don’t have the energy,” I said to him as I moved to make my way toward the door. I felt like I was moving in slow motion as the room began to spin violently around me. I felt like I was watching myself from the sidelines. The last thing I remember before the room went black was reaching for my coat and trying to remember where I had placed my car keys.
When I came to, my head was pounding. I finally focused in on James after adjusting my eyes to the light. He was looking down at me with a worried expression on his face. He was sweating profusely, and he appeared to have the shakes. I wanted to lift my head from the pillow, but doing so made my head pound harder. I looked around the room and tried to figure out where I was. I didn’t remember James telling me he had painted our guest room. Still feeling delirious, I was trying to think if the bed had railings on it before today.
“Jazz, how are you feeling, baby? Are you thirsty?”
“No, I’m fine. My head just hurts. Where’s my coat?”
“Jazz, you can’t leave until the doctor is finished evaluating you.”
“What?” For the first time I realized that I was not in the comfort of my own home, but I was in a hospital room instead.
“Yeah, you passed out at the house and bumped your head on the edge of the end table. We’ve been here for a couple of hours. I was scared I lost you.”
“James, I . . .”
“Baby, just rest. The doctor should be back any minute.”
Taking the cup of ice from James, I sat back on the bed, trying to gather my thoughts. I must be really stressed out because I’d never passed out before. This shit with James was working my last nerve. My thoughts flip flopped from wanting things to work, to wanting it all to be over. Just as I was dozing off again, the doctor walked in.
“Mrs. Cinque, I’m glad to see you’re awake. How’s your head feeling?” The doctor quizzed as he touched the bottoms of my feet to see if I was responsive before moving up to listen to my heartbeat.
“My head is pounding something awful, but I’ll survive.”
“That’s good to hear, although you do have a nasty bump on your head. Do you mind if I ask you a few personal questions?”
“No, not at all. What do you need to know?” I responded as my heart began to pound wildly in my chest. I hope he’s not about to tell me I have a deadly disease. I have enough shit going on in my life.
“Have you been under a lot of stress lately? When you came in your blood pressure was abnormally high.”
“Well, things have been a little hectic lately, but nothing outside of the norm,” I lied after taking a quick peek at James. I wish I could have told the doctor what the real deal was, but that was a little too much information, and I didn’t need him in my business.
“When was your last menstrual period? Has it been coming on a consistent basis?”
I couldn’t answer right away because it’d been at least two months since I’d seen it. I didn’t really pay it that much attention, contributing its absence to all of the stress I’d been under lately, but now I wasn’t too sure.
“It was maybe two months ago. I didn’t have one last month, and it’s a little late this month, but it’ll come. I’ve just been stressed.”
“Well, Mrs. Cinque, we took some blood when you first arrived and the tests show that you’re pregnant. We’re going to do an ultrasound to find out how far along you are. I’ll have the nurse . . .”
I didn’t hear anything the doctor said after that. Did he just tell me I was pregnant? I was stuck on what I should do next. Now was not the time to be having another baby. James and I had too much to work out, and I still hadn’t found out if Monica was having James’s kid. My life was pretty much spiraling out of control, and I had no clue as to what I should do to fix it.
“So I’ll send the nurse right in and we’ll see what’s what, OK?”
I nodded, still in shock at what the doctor told me. When he left the room, James came over, stood on the side of the bed, and took hold of my hand. I was starting to feel sick all over again just thinking about what we were facing.
“James, I can’t have this baby,” I stated matter-of-factly, not caring what he thought. I refused to bring another child into the drama that was going on, and it didn’t look like things would be getting better any time soon.
“What do you mean, you can’t have the baby? Why not? I hope this has nothing to do with Monica,” James practically screamed, nearing hysteria. For a few quick seconds I thought he was going to snatch me up.
“We already have issues we need to work through, and a baby would just complicate things.”
“Things aren’t that complicated, Jazz. How can you make that kind of decision for both of us?”
“Both of us? Did you think about both of us when . . .” before I could finish, the nurse walked in. James and I were steaming,
but we managed to hold our tongues.
I was almost in tears as the nurse smeared a cool gel over my belly so she could perform the ultrasound. Flashbacks of when I was carrying my twins caused tears to spill over my eyelashes and run down the sides of my face. I wasn’t ready for this. Not under these circumstances.
When I heard the baby’s heart beat my tears flowed even more. As the nurse moved the monitor around on my belly I could see a figure the size of a tennis ball on the screen. I thought to myself about the possibility of having this baby, and how it would affect our lives. Was having this baby a good idea?
As I lay on the bed with my eyes closed, I could hear two heartbeats getting louder. Instantly I took it as my own and the baby’s, but how could that be? When I opened my eyes to look at the monitor there were now two figures on the screen. I didn’t want to believe my eyes. Could I be having . . .
“Well, Mrs. Cinque, it looks as if you’re carrying twins,” the nurse said happily. All I could do was stare at the screen and hope I was seeing double. As if one baby wasn’t stressful enough, the size of my family had just doubled in a matter of minutes.
“Did you say twins?” James asked with a cheerful voice. He knew I would have a hard time getting rid of one, so two was definitely out of the question. I’d never be able to do it.
“Yes, you guys are having twins. We’ll be keeping you overnight for observation, Mrs. Cinque, just to make sure you’re OK and no harm was done to the fetuses from your fall. The wait shouldn’t be that long. I’m going to check for room availability now. The doctor will be in to talk to you shortly.”
I was quiet as the nurse removed the gel from my stomach before readjusting my bed. On the way out she congratulated me and James on our new additions before closing the door to give us some privacy.
A million thoughts raced through my head as I turned to think of a way out of this. In my heart I knew there was only one, but I’d never do it. How could I? My babies deserved a chance at life . . . no matter how fucked up it may be.
James came and stood quietly by my side, and I continued to stare at the wall. What if Monica was carrying twins, too? That would be six mouths to feed! We had money, but damn. That would put a hurting on anyone’s pocket. The thing was, Monica probably didn’t even want the baby. Then again, who was I to say? If she didn’t want a baby, she wouldn’t have tried so hard to get pregnant.
I lay there not really focusing on anything, but thinking many things at once. James laid his head on my stomach. I refrained from touching him because I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I still wanted to be mad at him. Hell, I needed to be mad because otherwise I’d give in too easily.
“Jasmine, I can’t apologize enough for everything I put you through. I was wrong, and I admit it, but please don’t take my babies away from me. We can make it work. I’m sure we can make it work,” James said as tears ran from his eyes and onto my belly. I could feel my heart tug on my emotions, but I couldn’t give in just yet.
“James, we’ll talk about it later.”
He didn’t respond. He just pulled his chair up next to the bed and kept his head on my stomach until the doctor told us the room was ready. When we got upstairs and were settled, the doctor gave me a prescription for pre-natal vitamins and iron pills. He gave me instructions to make an appointment with my gynecologist within the next couple of days just to make sure everything was going well. After wishing us a successful pregnancy, he went on to treat the many patients in the emergency room.
James put his head back on my stomach, and this time I rubbed the back of his head, thinking of my next move. They had yet to tell me how far along I was.
Reaching over, I decided to call my brother before he started worrying. I should have been home hours ago. After dialing the number, the phone rang three times before he answered it.
“Hello, Robinson residence,” my brother Dave sang into the phone, sounding like he was in a really good mood. His wife, Sarayah, must have broken him off a little something. Despite the obvious turmoil my heart was in, I still giggled a little in response to my big brother’s happiness.
“Hey, it’s me,” I spoke into the receiver, trying to hide my sadness. I didn’t want to alarm him.
“Hey, Sugar Pop. How’d everything go?” he asked, calling me by my childhood nickname. My family called me that because I wanted to eat Honey Smacks cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. Sugar Pop was the name of the cartoon frog on the box.
“Not as good as expected, but I’ll live.”
“Well, when it comes to matters of the heart, you have to take it one day at a time.”
“I know,” I replied, hesitant to begin my next sentence. “I called to let you know I’m in the hospital, and they’re keeping me overnight.”
“You’re where? In the hospital? For what? Did that nigga put his hands on you?” he shot off.
“No, he didn’t put his hands on me, silly. You know he wouldn’t do that.”
“So, how did you end up in the hospital, Jazz?”
“I passed out at the house and woke up in the emergency room. James said I accidentally hit my head on the side of the table.”
“Damn, girl, you all right? Want me to come get you?”
“No, I’m OK. James is still here.”
“Good. That’s good to hear. So what did they say? Stress?”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out before I lost the nerve. I felt funny saying the words out loud, and my body cringed at the thought.
“Say word. Are you serious?” he asked, full of excitement. I wish I could’ve mustered up half his enthusiasm.
“With twins.”
“With . . . ” the phone got silent for about ten seconds and I wasn’t sure if he hung up or passed out.
“You there?” I heard rustling in the background and before I knew it, Sarayah was talking into the phone.
“Jazz, congrats! Now I know why you were sleeping all the time. Girl, you were getting a little thick,” she yelled into the phone, just as excited as my brother. “Honey, I can’t wait until we have ours.”
“So, I take it the twins didn’t drive you crazy?”
“Oh, no. We had a ball when they woke up. Those little angels are back to sleep now.”
“Angels? My kids?” I said as we shared a laugh over the phone. It felt good to be happy about something finally, even if only for a moment.
“Well, Jazz, I do hope you feel better, and I’ll see you when you get home, OK?”
“OK, and tell your crazy husband I’ll talk to him later.”
After hanging up the phone, I lay back and stared at the ceiling. Telling my brother I was pregnant was my way of not doing anything stupid, like going through with the abortion. I cracked myself up talking like I would really do it, but right then I was stressed the hell out.
“Jasmine, I’m sorry I hurt you,” James said, turning his head around so he could have his head on my stomach and look at me.
“James, we’ll talk about this later.”
“But baby, I just wanted to . . .”
“James, we’ll talk later.”
“OK, later is fine.”
“OK.”
I finally turned the television on, not really paying attention to the program that was playing. I had to get in contact with Monica sooner rather than later. We had a lot of things that needed to be discussed.
As I lay there I remember just wanting to scream to no end because life wasn’t supposed to be like this. I lay there in a daze staring at the television, thinking to myself how I had a lot to discuss with Monica, but in reality who was I fooling? See, Monica was a major part of my problems, but I also knew that the twins from the gym, Donnie and Rahmel had ran all up in me and nutted up in me not too long ago and I didn’t want to think it, but in my heart of hearts I knew that the twins that I had just found out that I was carrying weren’t James’s babies. Those babies inside of me had to be fathered by the twins from the gym! A woman knows who the fathe
r of her kids are; it’s sort of like a spiritual, instinctual thing. I couldn’t deny what I was feeling, and inside I knew that those kids couldn’t be James’s.
Lord, I can’t take this drama! I remember thinking to myself. But no matter what, I knew that I could never let James onto the little secret I had which now had blossomed into a major secret being held inside my womb.
Carlos
It’s A Small World: Today’s News
News about Rico’s suicide had been in the paper every day for the last three months. I was already stressing over the case I had. Yeah, they was trying to get me, but I kept my business as clean as possible so they’d need to try a little harder. Hell, Rico didn’t even get props like that when he was walking the streets. Every time I turned on the television or picked up the Daily News, I saw his face plastered all over it, like his spirit wouldn’t let me have any peace.
Shit, he had it coming! Every hustler in this game knew you couldn’t get out. You either disappeared or died trying. Rico knew it was just a matter of time before he was slayed. He had enemies from here to the end of the earth, so his days had been numbered for years. Rico was a lot of things, but suicidal? Naw . . . he would never die a sucker’s death. That dude was a soldier. He expired before my connect had a chance to get at him. I knew his supplier, but damn if I knew if he was willing to do business.
Bitches were practically throwing their panties in his casket at the funeral, and that Monica bitch didn’t even have the decency to show up. She could have at least faked it ‘til the very end. Damn! That bitch had no class, and it made her look suspect.
I just felt bad for Shaneka . . . sort of. She was ride or die for Rico, and he just tossed her to the birds like she never meant shit to him. That woman was a ticking time bomb, and I was just laying low, waiting for her to explode. They had broken up and got back together plenty of times, but that last time was murder. He scooped Monica’s ass up quick as shit, and it was like a slap in the face to Shaneka. All I could say was when Monica got dealt with, it wasn’t gonna be nothing pretty about it. Monica played that “Oh, I’m crazy” shit, but Shaneka was certified. That girl got papers and was not to be fucked with.
