by t. h. snyder
“Mom, you know I can’t. I’m just too busy with work,” I respond taking a seat.
“Oh, that just won’t do, you’ll be coming,” she argues.
“It’s not happening, Mom, Chelby and I don’t have the time to take off of work right now.”
My mother sets her cards down and looks me directly in the eye.
“Son, no one said anything about Chelby joining us. It’s you we want to spend time with us. So, for your family, try your best.”
“Mother…” I stop as a warm, trembling hand falls onto my shoulder.
Turning in my seat I see the most beautiful eyes filling with tears. Moving to stand from my chair, Chelby raises her hand indicating for me to stay seated.
“I can’t do this anymore, Tristan,” she cries looking down at me as the tears spill from her face. “It’s one thing to know that y’all don’t like me, but to make me feel as if I’ve been cursed by the plague is unreasonable. I thought I loved your son enough, I believed I could do anything to make him happy, but just now it hit me. I think I’ve finally figured a way to ensure that this perfect family is no longer tainted.”
“Chel…” Her eyes meet mine, and instantly I can’t utter a word. It’s as if she’s slowly ripping my heart from my chest.
Unable to take the pain that is coming off of her, I push away from the table and move to stand. She takes a step back as I reach out to touch her.
“Don’t do it, don’t touch me,” she whimpers as her feet stop moving. “I’m not welcome with this family and it’s been killing me for years. I’ve never done anything to make your parents dislike me as they do. I’ve tortured myself for three long years trying to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. This is your family, your people, and I don’t deserve to feel the way I do when I’m with the ones you love.”
“Young lady, I think you should be careful of the tone you’re using in our home,” my mother seethes through gritted teeth.
My eyes fixate on my mother as my feet become cemented to the patio floor. I can’t believe this is happening, what is Chelby saying? Her words filter through the air, but I can’t comprehend what’s taking place. She said she thought she loved me enough…thought? I look between her and my mother. Hurt is pouring off of my sweet girl and hate stemming from the eyes of my mother.
“I thought I could do it, Tristan, I did. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not you. When you think you love someone you give it your all, you do anything to make them feel as if they are the only one in focus. But because of this,” she reaches her arms out signifying the people surrounding the table, “your family wants more for you, something I can’t provide. I should have realized this before, but I’m finally seeing things from a different perspective.” She stops for a moment, taking in a deep breath as her eyes stare into mine. “I don’t love you, I don’t see a future with you and I sure as hell don’t want to surround myself with people that think their shit doesn’t stink. I may not be much of anything or come from parents with money, but I have a hell of a lot more dignity than to spend time with a bunch of self-righteous, preppy, materialistic assholes.”
Shock runs through every ounce of my body as I watch her chest heave in and out.
“Good-bye, Tristan, I’m sure you’ll find exactly what it is that your family wants for you. Don’t follow me, don’t call me and don’t ever come looking for me again. Have a nice fucking life,” she screams before running off the patio and away from my shattered heart.
Chapter 2
Chelby
“Hey, Matthew, I’m gonna have to call in sick again today,” I state in a monotone voice.
“Why’s that, Chelby?” He spits back at me. I can almost taste the bitterness stemming from his tone.
“Sorry, Matthew but I’m still feeling a bit under the weather,” I reply.
“Chelby, it’s Wednesday, the third day in a row you’ve called out. You have to give me a bit more than you’re just under the weather.”
I like my boss, Matthew, well as much as I can like any boss, but he needs to just deal and let me know it’s okay. All I need is a bit of validation that he’s good with me calling off again today. I’ve got the time so what the hell is his deal?
“Look, Matthew, I’m not feeling well. I just need another day to rest. You don’t want me bringing my germs into the firm do you?” I chime back in a sarcastic tone knowing the only sickness I have right now is my mental anguish.
“Chelby, you know I would have your back in a heartbeat. You’re one of the best paralegals on our team, but three days in a row. I can’t cover for you like this. The partners are going to be up my…well, you know.”
“Fine, Matthew, do what you have to, and I’ll get a doctor’s note. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know if I’ll be in.”
“Chelby, don’t do that, my hands are tied. Call HR and see what they want you to do, otherwise I’m going to have shut you down till you do.”
“Oh my God, Matthew! You know what, never mind…I quit,” I shout before hanging up the call and tossing my phone toward my feet on the soft cushion beneath me.
Son of a bitch, ahhhhhh!
Damn it to hell, I just quit my job.
Great, this is great.
This is just the perfect way to continue with my already shitastic week.
Releasing a loud groan of frustration, I lean my head up against the wall. Sitting in my favorite spot within my apartment, I stare out the large bay window curling up along the deep ledged windowsill. As I stare out into nothingness, my hands clutch around my coffee mug, the steam of the hot beverage coating my cool skin. It’s a dreary, rainy day which, of course, sends my anxiety and depression into hyper drive. I’m lost…my only direction in life. As the rain drops fall against the window pane, I stare off into the cloudy grey sky.
It’s been the hardest three days of my life, the longest hours since I last spoke to Tristan. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I sure as hell can’t form a coherent thought. Every moment we’ve been apart my heart has shattered even more. I’m scared I’ve lost him forever; I’m not even sure if there’s anything left to salvage. My words and pain were our undoing. There was nothing I could do to stop the word vomit as it left my lips; nothing more I could do or say.
I had to let him go.
The past few months have been tough on me, and even though Tristan has been right by my side, I can’t control the way my mind makes me suffer. I’ve become a spiraling tornado with nowhere to go but downward. The emotions I’ve been feeling have taken complete control over my mind, soul and body. Too often I’m lifeless with little direction, barely getting up in the morning and attempting to focus next to impossible.
With the anniversary of my mom’s death coming and going, I’m even more alone. It’s been six long years and every day I miss her more and more. There are so many times I wish she were right here with me to help me cope with the voices screaming at me in my mind. It’s as if I’m turning into a crazy woman and it’s maddening. I can’t seem to find my place in life, and I’m scared, so afraid that there’s no way for me to fight the pain raging inside of me.
It doesn’t seem to matter who, or what surrounds me, I can’t see past the evil coursing through my veins. I’m alone, and it’s my fault. I pushed away the one person who was always there for me because I was fearful for what I was beginning to do to him. I could see the hurt in his eyes every time he tried to pull me back from my darkness. It was overwhelming, and I couldn’t allow him to carry that burden any longer. He has a life to live and what kind of person would I be if I let him stay in my life. It doesn’t matter how much he wanted to make me happy, I had to be the one to find it and couldn’t…I can’t. I’m a lost soul.
We tried, no, more like he tried, to find ways to fix me. It just took me three years to realize that I was broken, unable to be repaired by the man that loved me unconditionally. Tristan went with me to the doctor a few times in hopes of finding answers to help, but there’
s nothing anyone can do when a person is as far gone as I am. I’m tired of taking pills to force a smile on my face. Happiness is a mask I use to hide what’s bottled up inside.
Frustrated and losing all sense of determination, I stopped taking my meds. I mean come on, what’s the point anymore? They only made me fake, and that’s just not cool. No matter if I took them or not, Tristan’s family still would push me away, and eventually he would have wanted to do the same.
So in all actuality I did everyone a favor...yay me!
The buzzing sound of my cell phone alerts me of yet another text message. I know it can only be coming from one person; I’ve shut out just about everyone else I know. Leaning forward I reach down toward my fuzzy sock covered feet and grab up my phone. Looking at the screen I see his face staring back at me. His hazel eyes, messy brown hair, soft stubble along his jaw line and that smile that instantly sends a stabbing pain straight to my heart stare back at me.
Don’t do it, Chelby. Set the phone down and continue to ride the wave you’re on.
As much as I want to read the text and respond, I mentally provide myself with the pep talk I know I need. I have to stay as far away from him as possible. The moment I hear his voice I know I’ll crumble and I can’t. He’s better off. He deserves better.
Tossing my cell down onto the carpeted floor, I rest my head back against the wall and stare out into the gloomy North Carolina morning.
Tristan
It’s been seventy-two grueling hours since I last saw her beautiful face, those shimmering blue eyes and the lips of my sweet girl. I can’t do this. I can’t have her out of my life. I need her. A never ending ache pulls at my chest. The heart that once was filled with love and happiness is now crushed and empty. It hurts so much I can barely breathe. Watching her walk away from me the other day was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I was held back from chasing after her. She’s been in such a fog the past few months, and I don’t know what more I can do to help her see clearly.
I get that spending the day with my family has always been hard on her, but this past visit she fell apart at the seams. Her focus was off; her spirits drowned out of her control by what I don’t know. No matter what I did, how closely I held her or whispered in her ear, nothing seemed to bring her back to me...she was lost. She’s been in such a funk; I just want my girl back…I want her to be happy.
The words she spit at me were vicious; it wasn’t my Chelby standing in front of me. The look in her eyes was filled with pain, hurt and anger. I was lost in the moment and couldn’t move. The more she spoke, the faster the tears fell from her face, the harder it was for me to grasp that our lives were finally spinning out of control.
As soon as her feet started running, I tried to budge, but my brother, Adam, made me stay. My heart was shattered, the pain in my chest unbearable. My family tried to console me, but I knew deep down that was the moment they’ve all been waiting to happen. It was no surprise to anyone that she was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. It was evident the past few visits to my family home. Chelby was right, and I tried so hard to hide the truth that was in front of my face. How could they feel that strongly about her, she’s perfect in every way possible? She makes me happy. Isn’t that what parents should want for their child…to be happy?
For hours after she left, I just sat on my parent’s back porch and stared off into the distance. Adam offered to drive me home, but I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment without her. As the day drew on, I sat alone while so many thoughts flowed through my mind trying to make sense of it all.
What did I do wrong?
What more could I have done?
What could ever make her believe that I didn’t love her?
I need that woman more than my next breath. I would do anything for her, she’s my life, my world and my reason for wanting to build a brighter future for us both.
A trend is starting to consume me as I sit here staring a hole through my living room wall. All it’s ever been is what I’ve wanted for us. I never took into consideration what it was that she really wanted or needed. Yes, I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, the best man to fit her needs, but throughout it all it was always me wanting it all for her.
God damn it, Tristan, you selfish bastard.
I pushed her away and caused her to run. If only I would’ve put her needs first rather than my own. Three years I spent loving every fiber of her soul, yet never stepped back and looked at things through her eyes. Her anxiety and depression were my avenues to resolve, but in the grand scheme of things she’s the only one that could fix herself, not me.
She’s a torn and tattered soul that longs to want…what I don’t even know.
Standing up from the couch I begin to pace between the kitchen and living room. My mind is raveling as the thoughts of what I can do to win her back play through my mind. I don’t care what she said; I know with everything in me that she loves me and wants me to be with her. She was hurting, and I don’t blame her one bit for the things she said. Where there’s a will there’s a way, I just need to figure out what that is and make it happen.
Picking up my phone from the kitchen counter, I unlock the screen and look down at the picture of us. Smiles spread across both of our faces, the gleam of happiness in our eyes and my arms wrapped around her. I laugh to myself remembering that exact moment. The tighter I pulled her into me the more she tried to wiggle her arms out from beneath mine. I just didn’t want an inch to separate us. She wanted to take that selfie so badly, but I just wouldn’t have it. I needed to have her pressed up against me in my bed. Her touch soothes me and knowing she was so happy in that moment made me feel like the luckiest man in the world. After a few minutes, I finally gave into her demands and let her snap the shot. Looking at it now, I’m glad she did. Right now, it’s the last happy memory I have of my sweet girl.
My nerves are shot as I find her number and type in a text. I’ve sent her more than a few dozen over the past few days, praying that she’ll respond to one.
I don’t care what my brothers, family, or friends say, Chelby is the love of my life and, yes, she’s turned me in a panty wearing sissy. She’s the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I’ll be damned if I let her walk out of my life.
We’ve been through a lot in the past three years; we can get through anything. Reaching for my keys, I grab them off the table and rush through my apartment door. If she won’t respond to my texts, I’m going to do the next best thing. There’s no way she can kick me out if I go to her apartment. It’s time to talk this through as two adults who are in a committed relationship. I will see things through her eyes, I will make things right for her I will do just about anything.
Chapter 3
Chelby
I’ve been staring out into the rainy morning so long I’ve completely lost track of time. For all I know I could have been sitting here all day, but, seriously, what else do I have to look forward to? The rain continues to pour down from the sky, and the green grass is beginning to form a muddy swamp of puddles within the backyard. The irony of this is not lost on me or the mess of a life I’m living.
My eyes start to get heavy, and I know that I won’t be able to push off the inevitable much longer. Even though I can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time, when my body says it’s time to rest I have to go with it. Setting my coffee mug down on the bench to my side, I pull the afghan over my body and allow my eyes to drift shut.
Images of Tristan play like a movie behind my closed lids. I can see him so clearly, it’s as if this dream is taking place right here in front of me. The smile that’s spread across his face lights up his hazel eyes as he extends his hand out toward mine. As I reach for the tips of his fingers, he begins to fade slowly away. Another vision comes across my mind, and it’s one that I’ve recently seen. His handsome face isn’t smiling back at me this time, instead his expression is filled with hurt, sorrow and loss. It’s the same look I saw the other morning w
hen I walked away from him at his parent’s house.
I don’t know that I’ll ever forget the way he looked at me that day. It’s a painful memory, yet one that I’ll never be able to take back. Perhaps in time I’ll be able to forgive myself for walking away from my one true love, my soul mate. No, wait, who the hell am I kidding? I’ll hate myself for the rest of my life for everything I’ve done to hurt him.
Our worlds were never meant to collide; it was a figment of my imagination and even though we had an amazing time together, it wasn’t meant to be. Love…it’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever truly understand.
How can I believe that I honestly love someone when I can’t even love myself?
My body jumps, my eyes popping open as a knocking sound comes from my apartment door. The level of anxiety rushing through my body heightens as I mentally try to decide what I should do. I’m becoming a freak of nature; the slightest things are setting me off into a frenzy. I hate the way my body turns on me in the blink of an eye. Not having taken my meds isn’t helping matters much either. Now I have no control over what is about to happen to me. This is seriously one of the worst parts of having anxiety. The attacks are coming more frequently, and there’s no way for me to stop them other than trying to keep myself calm ‘til it runs its course. As much as I hate taking those pills every day, I don’t know if this pain is worth not taking them.
The knock sounds again, this time followed by a hushed voice…Tristan?
Every nerve ending running through my body is now on high alert. Prickles of goose bumps cover my arms and legs as my heart rate increases to a rapid speed. Breathing in through my nose and exhaling through my lips I know there’s no stopping the attack that’s about to hit me hard. As I close my eyes, I continue the steady breathing pattern in hopes of calming myself down before I lose my shit completely.
“Chelby, I know you’re in there, babe. Please open the door,” his voice begs through the large, dark piece of wood standing between our fates.
