by t. h. snyder
I jolt straight up into a seated position on my bed. With eyes wide open I pay close attention to the silence filling my bedroom. I could’ve sworn I heard a noise, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. Glancing around the darkened room, I wait a few moments before resting my head on the pillow.
Bang, bang, bang.
I’m startled again and now that I’m awake, I know I’m not dreaming the sound coming from the front door. Removing the comforter from my body, I glance over to the clock. It’s ten-thirty, who in their ever loving mind would be banging on my door?
With uncertainty, I walk down the hallway leading to the entrance of my apartment. As I peek through the peephole my hands are firmly pressed against the wooden door. My heart sinks and my mind instantly goes into overdrive…Tristan?
Chapter 5
Tristan
Walking up to her apartment door my heart races faster than I think it ever has. I don’t know what to expect, the last time I saw her she was telling me to leave…again.
No matter what, I’m not letting her push me away this time. Chelby and I are two souls that are meant to be together as one. I know she sees it, feels it and wants it…there’s got to be a way for her to realize it as well.
As I stand here in front of the tall wooden door, I find the strength to lift my arm and knock. She’s got to be still up since it’s only a little before ten-thirty. She’s never been one to fall asleep this early; her mind just doesn’t allow it.
After a few seconds pass, fear creeps up my spine. Maybe she really doesn’t want me.
Could it be possible that she’s shut me out for good?
Setting all pride aside, I decide to knock one last time. With my nerves shooting through the roof, I tuck my hands into my pockets and stare at the wooden panel of the door.
Just as I’m about to walk away, my sense of hearing perks up as footsteps begin to approach the other side of the door. Every sense within my body goes into high alert knowing very well she’s now looking through the peephole out into the hallway where I stand.
The clicking sound of the lock shoots anticipation through me. I watch as the knob slowly turns, my heart beating faster with every passing second. As the door begins to open, I keep my feet firmly planted to the floor. Chelby is now standing mere inches before me. The need to approach her is uncontrollable, yet I know I have to let my presence set in with her.
“Tristan, what are you doing here?” she asks in a sleepy tone.
She’s so unbelievably adorable I can barely keep myself still, I want to move forward. Her hair is piled in a heap of blonde locks on top of her head. Tired blue eyes look back at me, but they’re not sad…there’s something else pulling from them, she looks content.
“Chelby, I can’t…” she stops me by sticking her hand up and then gesturing for me to come inside.
Standing in the middle of her entry way, hands still in my pockets, I’m dumbstruck. She’s only a few feet away from me and as much as I want to tell her why I’m here, I can’t. I’m tongue tied.
“Okay, sorry, I figured it would be easier to talk in here than out in the hallway. You know how nosey my neighbors can be, especially this late at night,” she says.
Her small form stands with her hands on her hips, her messy bun of tussled hair falling to one side. I can’t help but smile as I take a step forward. My hands tremble as I remove them from my pockets.
As I approach, her hands fall to her sides, and she stands tall.
“I had to come see you, Chelby, I can’t stay away. This may not have been the best idea, but I had to talk to you, even if for one last time. All I’ve done since I left is think about you. You’re engraved in my god damn mind and no matter what I do…I see you.”
Her expression remains firm, no emotions revealing what the words I’m saying mean to her.
“Chelby, please, say something.”
I’m pleading with her. Son of a bitch, I’d grovel to the floor for this woman.
Taking a step forward she extends her arm out so that the palm of her hand is touching my forearm. I watch as her nerves begin to kick in. Chewing on her bottom lip, she pushes some loose strands of hair off of her forehead.
Silence fills the space between us while we stare intently back at one another.
“The past two weeks haven’t been the easiest for me either, Tristan. Believe me when I say it’s been a struggle. I’m just now beginning to realize a few things and…I’m not going to lie that just before going to bed I wished you were here. I wanted to believe I could easily walk away from you, fall out of love with the man that stole my heart years ago, but I was wrong. Trying to push you away and blacken my cold, distant heart was perhaps what I needed to see a few things more clearly. I’m broken, Tristan, you know this…you’ve always know this yet you never for a second gave up on me,” she says, pausing for a moment as the tears well up in her beautiful eyes. “I’m sick, that’s no shocker. But I understand now that without help I’m only becoming a bigger mess of a person than I ever was.”
The hand she’s embracing on my arm tightens with each word, and I can feel her body trembling. Reaching my hand to her face, I lightly graze the falling tears away from her cheeks. My body moves in closer to hers as she rests the soft skin of her face against my hand.
“Chelby, you’re all I’ve ever wanted, can’t you see that? I’d move heaven and earth to help you see how much I love you.”
Blue eyes look up into mine and I throw all uncertainty out of my mind. This woman is my world, and I’ll stop at nothing to show her every day that she’s exactly where she needs to be…in my arms.
Without a second thought I pull her body into me, wrapping my arms around her. She falls into my embrace and allows herself to finally break free of all emotion as sobs fill the quiet room.
Chelby
Hot tears fall down my cheeks, landing on the soft fabric of his shirt. My mind is spinning in so many different directions right now I don’t know which way is up or down.
Do I want him to stay or should I tell him to go?
He came back to save me…it’s who he is, it’s what he does. I can’t fault him for wanting to make me happy, but I’m just starting to realize what I need to do to make myself happy.
I need to do this on my own.
As I close my eyelids tightly together, memories flash before me. We’ve had so many good times, yet because of who I am there have also been times I’d rather never live through again.
The past few days I’ve felt like the puzzle pieces were finally starting to align. I was making my way through this world on my own, making my own decisions and smiling because of the path I chose to start following.
Having Tristan with me is like putting up a safety net just waiting for me to fall. I know he’ll always be there to catch me, yet I need to build up the strength to stand tall on my own.
So many things have been pulling us in opposite directions. His family wants him to have one thing, and I’m over here wanting to find my place in the world. It’s so hard, so confusing to live a life that in this very moment has no set direction.
Not only am I an emotional distraction to him, I’m also now unemployed.
Ugh, I’ve made such a mess of things.
I’m just so unsure of where I see us in each other’s lives. I want to become a stronger woman, yet with him by my side I’m worried that I’ll only ever want to change because he wants me to…I need to do this for me.
Do I love him?
Do I miss him when I’m not with him?
Do I see a life filled with happiness knowing he’s a part of that life?
These thoughts are wreaking havoc in my head. Confusion fills every nerve ending in my body, and I want to scream.
As we stand here, me wrapped in his arms, I’m not quite sure what to do next. The two weeks we spent apart I was sure that my life would never be the same. I sought out help, finally recognizing that I had to get the help I needed. As much as I want Tris
tan by my side, I still feel as though I have to embark on this journey alone. If I can’t make myself happy, it’s not fair for him to fight the battles raging inside of me. So many mixed emotions and thoughts are running rapidly through my mind.
I don’t know what to do.
Letting my hands fall away from his body I take a step back.
“I’m tired, Tristan,” I say moving another step away from him.
A frown pulls from his lips, and my heart begins to hurt. I don’t want to cause him pain, but I don’t know what the hell we’re supposed to do.
“I’m sorry for stumbling in here like this tonight, Chelby, but I had to see you,” he says taking a step closer to me.
I back away.
“Chelby, please hear me out. I have an idea and as crazy as it may sound, I think it’s something we both need to do right now to clear our heads.”
I’m listening, but don’t say a word.
“Let’s get out of here, leave town and focus just on what we know. There’s too many distractions here, too many things pulling us apart. I think…no, I know that we love each other. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. We need to find us, the two people that fell head over heels for each other. It’s not going to be easy, but if you let me stand by you and help you, we can do this.”
I don’t know what to say, he wants to pick up and leave? Now… for how long and if I do choose to go, what’s going to happen when we return.
“Tristan, you’re right, this is an insane idea,” I reply crossing my arms over my chest.
Looking down to the floor I try to rationalize what he’s suggesting. Time away would be amazing and could be exactly what I need right now. I’m not working so the time off isn’t a factor for me, but for him…I know taking time off of work isn’t something he often does .
I gaze back up to him, his eyes reading their way into my soul. His expression is so loving, so nurturing that my mind is fighting my body to not run into his arms. Tristan knows me, too well. He’s trying so hard and, for the life of me, I don’t know why I should say no.
I need a moment, a break from him to think this through. I know deep down what I want, but I also feel that this should be a struggle I have to solve on my own.
God damn it, Tristan, why do you have to love me the way that you do?
I turn, starting to walk away.
“Chelby,” he calls out to me.
My head looks in his direction, and every emotion in my body fights the pull I have for him.
“I just need a minute. I’ll be right back,” I say before continuing to walk through my apartment to the bathroom. My lungs feel so tight, they’re constricting and I haven’t felt this way the past few days. Decisions…that’s what makes me go into panic mode. I need to pull my thoughts together and decide what I’m going to do. Should I stay and work things out by myself or should I go and allow him to help me see the light?
Air…I need air.
Chapter 6
Chelby
Walking into the bathroom, I flip on the light switch and shut the door. With slow, steady breaths, I begin to pace the tile floor, counting my steps to soothe my mind. Life shouldn’t be this much of a struggle. I mean come on, this incredibly amazing man is asking to whisk me off to who knows where, yet I’m a basket case and scared. The need to step out of my head for a moment is wearing me down.
Come on, Chelby, pull your shit together, woman.
Shutting the lid of the toilet, I take a seat and rest my head in my hands, tendrils of blonde hair falling in front of my face. With one hand, I begin to twirl the loose strand between my fingertips.
Seconds pass as time moves in slow motion. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, but the peace and quiet is comforting to me. I can feel my body beginning to calm down, the tightness within my chest slowly fading away.
Holy shit, my first attack in days and I controlled it…I did it.
A smile forms on my face as pride sweeps through me. Baby steps, that’s all it is, but, my God, it’s a start. Taking a few more breaths, I stare toward the plain white wall in front of me. Okay, now to focus on the matter at hand.
Can I do this?
Should I do this?
Do I want to do this?
The silence within the small space provides me with the few moments I need to think this through. Honestly, I don’t see how taking some time away can hurt; if nothing else it will give us a chance to spend time together without any outside forces.
Life would be perfect if only I didn’t feel like a shell and, even though it’s only been a few days on the new meds, I’m sensing that with the right mindset and positive attitude I can overcome my biggest weakness…my inner thoughts.
I think I can do this, hell yeah, I totally can.
I stare down to the floor as excitement boils through my blood. I’ve got to be one of the most scatter-brained women in the world. My moods are coming and going so fast; it’s hard for me to keep up. But regardless, feeling this way shows me that anything is possible. I control how I feel, how I want to react and how I want to live my life. Baby steps. Everything in life takes time and if it takes me days, months or, hell, even years…I’m worth it.
All I have to do is remain set in the direction I’ve recently started. If things start to get to be too much, I’ll work through them. At this point, it’s the only option I have. There’s no way I want to spiral into the mess of a woman I was becoming, this time around I’m in this for me.
I can totally do this.
Standing, I turn to look at myself in the mirror.
Hot damn, I look a mess.
Reaching for my ponytail holder, I remove the elastic band from my hair. Long loose waves fall below my shoulders before I pull them back up on top of my head. Leaning down toward the sink, I turn on the faucet and splash some cool water onto my face. Quickly I reach for my toothbrush and continue to freshen up before I go back there to Tristan.
Before stepping out of the bathroom, I take in one deep breath and let it all out.
You got this, Chelby.
As I stand in the hallway, I look out on to the entryway of the apartment. He’s not standing where he was when I walked away and for a second my heart aches. Continuing out into the living room, my thoughts are put at ease when I see him sitting on the oversized chair I know he loves.
His eyes catch sight of me. I can’t help the way I’m feeling right now, even though moments earlier I was torn and unsure. Now I feel a sense of hope.
Walking toward him, he stands and meets me half way. He watches me intently as I nod before reaching for his hands.
“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, Tristan. So much has happened to us in the past few weeks. Some things I’m grateful for, others not so much. I’m a work in progress, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be mentally okay, but I do know that I’m on a mission. I won’t lose sight of the person I want to be. I agree one hundred percent with what you said earlier, life won’t be easy. All I can do is take it all in day by day and hope for the best. I want to be a better person, mind, and soul. I’m willing to try, but I need you to allow me to do this on my terms. Can you do that?”
His hand gently strokes the side of my face as he looks deep into my eyes. The feeling of butterflies swarms within the pit of my stomach. The way I feel about this man is so uncertain. I know I love him, but the true meaning of love is so strewn right now.
“Chelby, I will do whatever you ask me to do. If we need to take things slow, then that’s exactly what we’ll do. I just want to be with you and if it’s on your terms; then I’m willing to do what I have to do.”
Closing my eyes, I lean into his touch. Slow and steady wins the race. Now to embark on the next step of this journey…learning to find myself again.
Tristan
Strength and determination, that’s all I got right now. I can’t control her thoughts, the ways in which she feels, but I can show her that there is love and devotion
surrounding her. Chelby is a tough cookie to crack, especially when she sets her mind on what she does and doesn’t want. Even though she says she should be doing this on her own, I won’t let a second go by without standing right by her side. Together we will overcome anything, and I will provide her with the will to move on to the life she deserves.
She’s willing to take a chance, to move forward on my suggestion to get out of town. It’s a start and one that I’m thoroughly grateful for right now. I don’t know exactly where we’ll be heading on this trip, but as long as we are together that’s all I need.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, I see that it’s well after midnight, and I know we’ll both need rest before we head out. There’s not too much to prepare, just toss a few essential items in a bag and we can hit the road. But not before she gets a good night’s sleep. I’m sure she’ll have to wheel and deal with the partners to get the time off…shit, I really didn’t think this through.
My arms slowly fall down her body as I linger my fingertips along the exposed skin of her back. As I take a step away, I lift her chin with my finger placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“Chelby, I’m glad you’re willing to come with me, but I didn’t think this through as well as I should have. The idea fell into my head and even though I’ve already taken the time off, it didn’t even come to me that you’d have to do the same.”
Looking up to me she smiles.
“Umm, well, that won’t be a problem,” she states biting down on her lip again. “I kinda quit.”
Pulling away from her I rest my hands on her shoulders.
“You quit?” I ask in a shocked tone.
Chelby has never quit anything in her life. What the hell could have happened for her to have left her job?
“Yeah, I did. It was on impulse and even though I regret it now; there’s no way for me to go back. I did it the morning you came and found me having that panic attack. I was stressed, tired and unwilling to talk to Matthew about it another second. He was giving me grief about needing another day out of the office and before I knew it I told him I was done. It was wrong, but at the time my mind wasn’t in a good place. ”
