I ran my finger along his forehead. I kept my voice quiet. “Yeah. When I sent that first letter, I didn’t really think you’d write back, but I was hoping you would. When you didn’t ask me to stop, I figured it’d be okay to send the others, too. And I guess I always hoped that you’d respond to one.”
“What are you talking about? What letter—letters?”
I stared at him in confusion as he stared back with just as much concern on his face. But then it finally hit me. “You never got my letters?”
Jax’s green eyes still looked troubled. “What letters, Tanner? What the hell are you talking about?”
Symon moved his feet off my lap and I leaned over, closer to Jax to brush the hair off his forehead. I was almost afraid to tell him, but he deserved to know. I swallowed and whispered, “I sent you a letter a couple months after I left. And I sent one every couple months after that.”
He stared at me for a few seconds, and I could see the emotion building in his eyes. “But… I moved. You knew I moved.”
I smiled a little sadly. “I know, that’s why I sent it to your sister’s place.”
“You sent it to Julia?”
I nodded and ran my fingers through his hair. “Did she move after I left?”
He shook his head. “No, she’s still in the same place. She’s been there forever.”
I kept running my fingers through his hair. I didn’t know why she didn’t give him my letters. Why would she hide that from him? Jax stared into my eyes and with each passing second, he looked more and more upset.
Symon set his book on the table and leaned forward to rub my back while he looked at Jax. “Are you okay?”
Jax looked at me for a long moment before focusing on Sy. “Not really. Apparently, my sister’s a meddling bitch that hid a bunch of letters from me for the past five years.” The amount of anger in his voice surprised me and Symon winced. Jax held his hand out. “Can you pass me my phone, Sy?”
Symon looked at me, so I said, “Jax, maybe you should wait to call her.”
“No.” He shook his head. “She lied to me for five years. All those times I went…” He glanced at me, and I could see tears forming in his eyes. “All those times I went to her when I was upset, when I was fucking sobbing to her that you never reached out.” He took a shaking breath. “All this time she knew you had, and she fucking kept it from me.” I tried to pull him to me, but he pushed me off and scooted out of reach. “Don’t, you’ll make me cry, and I’m sick of being fucking emotional.”
“Okay.” I leaned away. “Just… tell me what you need from me.”
“I need my phone so I can call her.”
Symon passed the phone over, then moved closer beside me and into my side. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I kissed his forehead, wrapping my arm over his shoulders, thankful that he was here with me. Seeing Jax upset was making me a little crazy. Symon started rubbing his hand up and down my chest in a soothing pattern.
Symon whispered, “Maybe she never got the letters, Jax. Maybe he wrote the wrong house number or something.” I knew that wasn’t true, so I kept my mouth shut.
Jax shot Sy a glare and spoke through clenched teeth. “I highly doubt it.”
I kissed Symon’s forehead and tightened my hold on him. I knew he understood that Jax’s anger wasn’t aimed at him, but I still said, “Jax.”
Jax glanced at me, then blew out a breath and looked at Symon. “Sorry, Sy.”
“It’s okay.”
Jax opened his mouth, but paused and turned his head, clearly listening to whoever answered the phone. “You lied to me.” Jax got off the couch and walked into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. I could still hear him speaking, but I tried not to listen.
Symon leaned up and asked, “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I just… I hate when he’s upset and doesn’t want any comfort.”
“Me too.” He cupped my cheek with his palm, then kissed my other cheek. “I’m here if you need me, teddy bear.”
“Thank you, angel.”
He smiled softly and pressed a kiss to my lips, then nuzzled into my neck, gripping me tight.
After a few minutes, Jax walked out looking completely pissed. “I’ll be right back. I gotta… go see my sister.”
“I’ll come with you,” Symon said, getting off the couch.
“No. I want to go alone.”
Symon froze and frowned, looking like someone just kicked his puppy—or piglet in his case.
He grabbed his keys, put on his shoes and walked out the door before either of us could do anything about it.
“Shit,” Sy and I said in unison.
I sighed. “You may as well sit back down with me.”
Symon huffed, then walked back over. Instead of sitting beside me, he crawled onto my lap and tucked himself under my chin. I put my arms around him and closed my eyes.
Jax
I drove like a madman over to my sister’s house. What the actual fuck! I wanted to strangle her for keeping this from me for all these years. How many times had I gone over to her house crying or upset or just pissed off that Tanner never even contacted me? How many times had I called her on the phone to tell her I saw another dead soldier on the news, and I was terrified that it could’ve been Tanner, or that maybe I’d missed it when they’d reported his death, or that he was injured and needed help? How many times had I told her that I wished I could send him a letter because I fucking missed him?
I couldn’t even fathom why she’d done this to me—to us. I mean, seriously. Who does that? What a fucking bitch.
I pulled in front of her house and jumped out of the car. The front door opened before I even got halfway up the sidewalk. My sister came out with a shoebox in her hands.
“What the fuck, Julia? What the fuck!” I screamed at her.
She flinched a little. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for, Jules? Are you sorry for hiding something from me? Or are you sorry for lying to me for over five years? Or is it that you’re sorry that every single time I cried or complained that my best friend of most of my life never fucking contacted me, and you fucking knew he had? Are you sorry that you had something that could’ve made me feel better, could’ve helped me heal all this time, and you never thought to give it to me or even tell me about it?”
She closed her eyes, then took a deep breath and looked at me. “I thought it would’ve made it worse. I didn’t want him to string you along. I thought that would’ve made it worse for you.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make, Jules. If I didn’t want contact with him, that was my choice. You took that away from me.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
I held out my hand, and she gave me the shoebox. “Sorry isn’t good enough.” I turned on my heel and headed to my car.
“Jax!” she yelled.
I ignored her and got into my car, then drove away, heading back to Symon’s apartment.
When I parked, I was tempted to open the shoebox and see what was inside, but I decided to go up to Sy’s place first. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be alone or not, and I figured that Sy—and Tanner even though he already knew what he’d written—deserved to be a part of this, too.
As soon as I walked in, both of my boyfriends stood from the couch and walked toward me. I held out my hand and said, “I’m fine. I… I got the letters.”
“She saved them?” Tanner asked.
I held up the shoebox. “Apparently.”
I took a deep breath and headed farther into the apartment. I sat on the couch in the middle and set the shoebox on the coffee table, then rested my elbows on my knees and put my hands together in front of my mouth, staring at it. Sy sat on one side of me and Tanner on the other. They both sat close enough that their thighs were touching mine. We sat there for a few minutes in silence. I appreciated their quiet support.
I tapped my fingers together a few times on my lips, then took a b
reath before flipping the lid off the shoebox. As soon as I saw how many letters were in there, tears sprang to my eyes, and I had to blink to keep them back. What the fuck? How could my sister keep this from me? Tanner had been writing me this whole fucking time, and I hadn’t even known it.
I pulled out a handful of letters—all of them were still in their envelopes—and I looked at the dates on them. Most of the ones I’d grabbed were from last year. I put them on the table without opening them, then grabbed another handful, these were from the year before. I pulled all the envelopes out until I got to the bottom one. It was the only letter that had been open—my sister was a nosey bitch—so I grabbed it and looked at the date. It was from two months after Tanner had left me.
Tanner cleared his throat and whispered, “That’s the first one I sent, I think.”
I nodded, then took a deep breath before opening the letter and unfolding it. Symon linked his arm through mine and rested his head against my shoulder. Tanner pressed in closer and put his arm behind me, rubbing his hand up and down on my back.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, then began reading.
JJ,
I know you probably hate me, and I don’t blame you if you do, but I want you to know that nothing has changed for me on that front. I still love you, I always have, I always will. When I decided to do this, to leave, that was never in question. I know you won’t believe me, but I really needed to tell you. Because I do love you. I love you with my whole heart.
And I’m an idiot. I know that now. I shouldn’t have left. I didn’t know how good I had it until you were gone. I suppose I got what I deserve. I miss you more and more each and every day. If I could go back in time and make a different choice, I would. Because you are my life, Jaxon. The thought of you is the only thing that’s keeping me going in this place where I feel like I can’t be my true self.
I know I don’t deserve it, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, or to at least let me write to you, maybe even talk to you or video chat with you, I promise I will do everything in my power to make this up to you. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I wish I could hold you in my arms again. I want to kiss you, love you. I wish I could just be with you.
If there’s even a small chance that you could forgive me one day, please, please write me back. Even if there isn’t and you just want to yell at me, write me back and give me your new number. I’d do anything to see your face again, even if all you do is shout at me, I don’t care. I only brought one picture with me. It’s that one of the two of us dressed up for Halloween two years ago as Mario and Luigi. The one where I’m kissing your cheek. I keep it folded up in my pocket everywhere I go. I pull it out and look at your smiling face whenever I need to see a friendly face. I kiss it goodnight every night before I fall asleep wishing you were in my arms again.
I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I never meant to break both our hearts.
I love you more than everything, Jaxon. Please remember what I promised you, because it’s true.
Please let me write you again. Please let me call. Please… just let me stay in touch, even if we’re just friends. I need you in my life, JJ.
Love,
Never-Ending
T.
The tears I’d been trying to keep at bay ran down my cheeks and a sob escaped me. I threw the letter on the table and turned into Tanner, burying my face against his neck. He immediately hugged me, holding me tight against his chest as I cried. Symon scooted closer behind me, rubbing my back. I finally let everything I’d been feeling for years pour out of me. He’d missed me. He’d wanted to be with me all this time. He’d never stopped loving me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Tanner. I’m sorry I didn’t believe that you were sorry.”
“Shh… it’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” Tanner whispered, tightening his hold on me.
“Promise me you’ll never leave me again.” I knew I kept making him promise, but I was scared I’d lose him again.
“I promise. I promise,” he whispered back after a few seconds. I could hear the desperation and love in his voice, and for the first time since he’d come back, I believed him.
I hugged him tighter and took a few soothing breaths. Once I’d calmed enough, I pulled away, then turned and hugged Symon. He held me tight and rocked me a little.
After I let him go, he asked, “Do you want to read anymore, or are you done for now?”
I looked at all the letters and shook my head. “I’m done for now, I think. I just want to relax if that’s okay with you guys. But you can read them if you want, Sy. I’m sure Tan wouldn’t mind.”
“Of course, I don’t mind.”
Sy smiled sadly. “Thanks, but… I’d rather read them together, if that’s okay?”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “Of course, pumpkin.” He needed to be involved in this, too.
Sy nodded. “Okay. Can I ask you guys a question, though?”
“Of course.”
“Sure.”
Sy looked at Tanner. “Why did you sign the letter like that? ‘Love, Never-Ending’?”
Tanner glanced at me, then looked at Sy. “When we were younger, we used to say ‘my love for you is never-ending,’ so ‘never-ending’ used to be a thing we would say when we were around other people so we could still say we loved each other in public.”
I smiled a little sadly. “I used to love when you’d say that to me.”
Tanner leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips, then whispered, “I meant what I said back then. My love for you is never-ending, Jaxon. It always has been, always will be. I love you, Jax.”
My heart filled with warmth and I cupped Tanner’s cheeks. “Ditto, Tan. I love you so much.” I kissed his lips hard, then released him and turned on the couch to face Symon. He was staring at the ground, and if I wasn’t mistaken, he had a tear rolling down his cheek. I leaned down to get a better look at him and wiped away the tear with my thumb, then cupped his face so he’d look at me. “What’s wrong, pumpkin?”
He shook his head but didn’t answer.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he whispered, “I’m just glad you guys found each other again.”
I stared at him for a long moment, then looked at Tanner. I didn’t doubt that Symon was telling the truth, that he was happy for us, but I didn’t think he realized that even right now, he was in this, too. That he was truly a part of us, that we didn’t want him to feel left out. I scooped him up and placed him on my lap, then cupped his neck and put my thumbs on his cheeks so he was looking right at me. His mesmerizing grey eyes stared back at me, and everything I felt for him came up to the surface. He was the sweetest, most caring man I’d ever known, and I knew for a fact that I couldn’t live without him.
“Symon,” I whispered. “I love you, too, pumpkin. I’ve loved you for a long time, I just wasn’t ready to say it before. But I’m ready now. I love you. My love for you is never-ending. I love you so much, Symon Daniel Traux. More than I ever thought possible.”
He let out a watery laugh and fell into me, wrapping his arms around my neck and hiding his face. “I love you too, Jaxon James Calorio.”
I hugged him to me and rubbed his back. He kissed my neck and scooted his body against mine so I could tighten my hold on him. I loved how easily he fit on my lap like this; I loved how he just seemed to fit with me and Tanner in every way. I loved him so much.
After a few minutes, he sat up and kissed my lips. His cheeks were wet, so I wiped away his tears again, and he smiled against my lips. I whispered, “I love you, Sy.”
“I love you too, Romeo.”
Tanner suddenly grabbed Symon’s arm and tugged a little. “Come here, angel.”
Symon looked a little shy for some weird reason, but he pecked my lips before climbing onto Tanner’s lap. Tanner smiled at him and ran his hand through his hair, but Symon whispered, “You don’t have to say it just because you said it to Jax.”
“Is that really what you think, angel?”
Symon shrugged a little but focused his eyes on Tanner’s shirt collar that he’d started picking at.
“Symon?” Tanner waited for Sy to look him in the eyes before continuing, “I would never say it without meaning it, okay?” Symon nodded, but he couldn’t hide his disappointment. Tanner whispered, “I love you, Symon. I. Love. You.”
Symon took a shaky breath. “I love you too, Tanner. God, I love you too.”
Tanner reached up and pulled Sy’s cheeks to him, kissing him softly on the lips. Symon braced himself on Tanner’s shoulders and very gently deepened their kiss. Their emotions were palpable and so fucking sweet that I couldn’t help but stare at them. They kissed and held each other close, and it was beautiful. When they finally broke apart, Sy rested his forehead on Tanner’s and they stared at each other for a few seconds before Symon leaned up and looked at me, holding his hand out to me. I easily took it and allowed him to pull me closer to them. I went up on my knees and pressed my chest to both their arms. Sy turned his upper body and grabbed the back of my neck. Then he slowly pulled me into him as he did the same to Tanner. And when the three of us met in the middle, I heard Symon whimper and Tanner sigh. I moaned a little, then placed each of my hands on the backs of their heads and tangled my fingers in their hair.
Tanner broke away from the kiss first, leaving Symon’s mouth for me to devour while Tan kissed down Sy’s neck and shoulder. But then Tanner pushed Sy out of my mouth’s reach and pulled his shirt off, then turned to me and pulled mine off. I didn’t even have to ask him, he just automatically pulled his shirt off, too. I moaned when I felt both their skin rubbing against mine as hands and mouth and tongues went everywhere.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tanner
Lying there on Symon’s bed, I couldn’t help but smile at my boyfriends. I was so relieved that everything was finally out in the open and cleared up. I knew that Jax was still hurting, but every day, he seemed to open up a little more and let us both into his heart. Only time would allow me to prove to him that I was here to stay, and that I’d never do anything to hurt him again.
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