The captain ignored him.
“According to this, you’ve had two run-ins with the police already. First for acting suspicious on the public streets ... ”
“I was being polite instead of barreling into people!” I broke in, exasperated. “I’m sorry, I was new here and didn’t know ‘rude’ was the operative word for this dimension. You should put up signs or something warning people that being polite is grounds for harassment on Perv!”
The captain continued as if I hadn’t spoken.
“ ... And later that same day, you tried to get out of paying for a pretty expensive meal.”
“I fainted, for Pete’s sake! As soon as I came to, I paid for the meal, even though I hadn’t eaten a bite.”
“Now that in itself sounds a little suspicious,” the captain said, pursing his lips. “Why would you order a meal you couldn’t, or wouldn’t, eat?”
“Because I didn’t know I couldn’t eat it when I ordered it, obviously. I keep telling you ... I’m new here!”
“Uh huh,” the policeman leaned back and studied me through slitted eyes. “You’ve got a glib answer for everything ... don’t you, Mister Skeeve?”
“That’s because it’s true! Would I be less suspicious if I didn’t have answers for your questions? Tell me, captain, I really want to know! I know I’m not a criminal, what does it take to convince you?”
The captain shook his head slowly.
“Frankly, I don’t know. I’ve been on the force for a long time, and I’ve learned to trust my instincts. Your story sounds good, but my instinct tells me you’re trouble looking for a place to happen.”
I could see I was playing into a stacked deck, so I abandoned the idea of impressing him with my innocence.
“I guess the bottom line is the same as before that sheet came in, then. Are you going to press charges against me ... or am I free to go?”
He studied me for a few more moments, then waved his hand. “Go on. Get out of here ... and take your little street buddy with you. Just take my advice and don’t carry so much cash in the future. There’s no profit in teasing the animals.”
If I had been thinking, I would have let it go at that. Unfortunately, it had been a long day and I was both tired and annoyed ... a dangerous combination.
“I’ll remember that, Captain,” I said, rising to my feet. “I had been under the impression that the police were around to protect innocent citizens like me ... not to waste everybody’s time harassing them. Believe me, I’ve learned my lesson.”
Every policeman in the room suddenly tensed, and I realized too late that there was also no profit in critiquing the police.
“ ... And if we don’t check on suspicious characters before they make trouble, then all we’re good for is filling out reports AFTER a crime has been committed,” the captain spat bitterly. “Either way, ‘innocent citizens’ like you can find something to gripe about!”
“I’m sorry, Captain. I shouldn’t have ... ”
I don’t know if he even heard my attempted apology. If he did, it didn’t make a difference.
“You see, I’ve learned my lesson, too. When I first joined the force, I thought there was nothing better I could do with my life than to spend it protecting innocent citizens ... and I still believe that. Even then I knew this would be a thankless occupation. What I hadn’t realized was that ‘innocent citizens’ like you are not only ungrateful, the tendency is to treat the police like they’re enemies!”
I decided against trying to interrupt him. He was on a roll, lecturing about what seemed to be his favorite subject. Opening my mouth now would probably be about as safe as getting between my pet dragon, Gleep, and his food dish.
“Everybody wants the crooks to be in jail, but nobody wants a prison in their community ... or to vote in the taxes to build new jails. So the prisons we have are overcrowded, and the ‘innocent citizens’ scream bloody murder every time a judge suspends a sentence or lets an offender out on parole.”
He was up and pacing back and forth now as he warmed to his subject.
“Nobody sees the crimes that aren’t committed. We can reduce the crime rate 98%, and the ‘innocent citizens’ blame US for that last 2% ... as if we were the ones committing the crimes! Nobody wants to cooperate with the police or approve the tax allocations necessary to keep up with inflation, so we can’t even keep abreast of where we are, much less expand to keep up with the population growth.”
He paused and leveled an accusing finger at J. R.
“Then there are ‘innocent citizens’ like your buddy here, who admits he’s running an illegal, unlicensed business. What that means, incidentally, is that he doesn’t have to pay any taxes, even the existing ones, although he expects the same protection from us as the storekeepers who do, even though most of them cheat on their taxes as well.
“So we’re supposed to keep the peace and apprehend criminals while we’re understaffed and using equipment that’s outdated and falling apart. About all we have to work with is our instincts ... and then we get hassled for using that!”
He came to a halt in front of me, and pushed his face close to mine, treating me to another blast of his breath. I didn’t point it out to him.
“Well, this time we’re going to see just how good my instincts are. I’m letting you go for now, but it occurs to me it might be a good idea to run a check on you on other dimensions. If you’re just an innocent businessman like you claim, we won’t find anything ... but if I’m right,” he gave me a toothy grin, “you’ve probably tangled with the law before, and we’ll find that too. I’m betting you’ve left a trail of trouble behind you, a trail that leads right to here. If so, we’ll be talking again ... real soon. I don’t want you to switch hotels or try to leave the dimension without letting me know, understand? I want to be able to find you again, MISTER Skeeve!”
THE POSSIBILITY OF an extensive check on my off-dimension background worried me, but not so much that I forgot my manners. J. R. had saved my skin in the alley fight, and, throughout the police grilling, a part of my mind had been searching for a way to repay him. As we left the police station, I thought I had the answer.
“Say, J. R.,” I said, turning to him on the steps, “about that business you want to start ... how much capital would you need to get started?”
I could see his neck stiffening as I spoke.
“I told you before, Mr. Skeeve, I won’t take a reward for saving your life.”
“Who said anything about a reward? I’m talking about investing in your operation and taking a share of the profits.”
That one stopped him in his tracks. “You’d do that?”
“Why not? I’m a businessman and always try to keep an eye open for new ventures to back. The trickiest thing is finding trustworthy principals to manage the investments. In your case, you’ve already proved to me that you’re trustworthy. So how much would you need for this plan of yours?”
The street vendor thought for a few moments.
“Even with backing I’d want to start small and build. Figuring that ... yeah. I think about five thousand in gold would start things off right.”
“Oh,” I said intelligently. I wasn’t about to question his figures, but the start-up cost was higher than I had expected. I only had a couple thousand with me, and most of that was going to cover Edvick’s services and the hotel bill. So much for a grand gesture!
“I’ll ... uh ... have to think about it.”
J.R.’s face fell.
“Yea. Sure. Well, you know where to find me when you make up your mind.”
He turned and strode off down the street without looking back. It was silly to feel bad about not fulfilling an offer I didn’t have to make, but I did.
“Well, I guess it’s time for us to head back to the hotel ... right, Skeeve?” Kalvin chimed in.
I had botched t
he job with J. R., but I resolved that this one I was going to do right.
“No,” I said.
“No?” the Djin echoed. “So where are we going instead?”
“That’s the whole point, Kalvin. We aren’t going anywhere. I’m going back to the hotel. You’re going back to Djinger.”
He floated up to eye level with me, frowning as he cocked his head to one side.
“I don’t get it. Why should I go back to Djinger?”
“Because you’ve filled your contract. That means you’re free to go, so I assume you’re going.”
“I did?”
“Sure. Back in the alley. You used a spell to sober me up before I had to fight those goons. To my thinking, that fulfills your contract.”
The Djin stroked his beard thoughtfully.
“I dunno,” he said. “That wasn’t much of a spell.”
“You never promised much,” I insisted. “As a matter of fact, you went to great lengths to impress me with how little you could do.”
“Oh, that,” Kalvin waved his hand deprecatingly. “That’s just the standard line of banter we feed to the customers. It keeps them from expecting too much of a Djin. You’d be amazed at some of the things folks expect us to do. If we can keep their expectations low, then they’re easier to impress when we strut our stuff.”
“Well, it worked. I’m impressed. If you hadn’t done your thing back there in the alley, my goose would have been cooked before J. R. hit the scene.”
“Glad to help. It was less dangerous than trying to lend a hand in the fight.”
“Maybe, but by my count it still squares things between us. You promised one round of minor help, and delivered it at a key moment. That’s all your contract called for ... and more.”
The Djin folded his arms and stared, frowning into the distance for several moments.
“Check me on this, Skeeve,” he said finally, “I’ve been helpful to you so far, right?”
“Right,” I nodded, wondering what he was leading up to. “And I’ve been pretty good company, haven’t I? I mean, I do tend to run off at the mouth a bit, but overall you haven’t seemed to mind having me around.”
“Right again.”
“So why are you trying to get rid of me?”
Suddenly, the whole day caught up with me. The well-meant advice from the Butterfly, the drinking, the fight, the head-butting with the police all swelled within me until my mind and temper burst from the pressure.
“I’M NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU!!” I shrieked at the Djin, barely aware my voice had changed. “Don’t you think I want to keep you around? Don’t you think I know that my odds of finding Aahz on my own in this wacko dimension are next to zip? Dammit, Kalvin, I’M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU!!!”
“Um ... maybe you could be a little less nice and quit shouting?”
I realized that I had backed him across the sidewalk and currently had him pinned against the wall with the force of my “niceness.” I took a long, deep breath and tried to bring myself under control.
“Look,” I said carefully, “I didn’t mean to yell at you. It’s just ... ”
Something trickled down my face and it dawned on me that I was on the verge of tears. On the verge, heck! I was starting to cry. I cleared my throat noisily, covertly wiping away the tear as I covered my mouth, hoping Kalvin wouldn’t notice. If he did, he was too polite to say anything.
“Let me try this again from the top.”
I drew a ragged breath.
“You’ve been a big help, Kalvin, more than I could have ever hoped for when I opened your vial. Your advice has been solid, and if I’ve been having trouble it’s because I didn’t listen to it enough.”
I paused, trying to organize my thoughts.
“I’m not trying to get rid of you ... really. I’d like nothing better than to have you stick around at least until I found Aahz. I just don’t want to trade on our friendship. I got your services in a straightforward business deal ... one you had no say in, if your account of how Djinger works is accurate. If I sounded a bit cold when I told you I thought our contract was complete, it’s because I was fighting against begging you to stay. I was afraid that if I did, it would put you in a bad position ... actually, it would put me in a bad position. If I made a big appeal to you and you said no, it would leave us both feeling pretty bad at the end of what otherwise has been a mutually beneficial association. The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be if you agreed to stay out of pity. Then I’d feel guilty as long as you were around, knowing all the while that you could and should be going about your own business, and would be if I weren’t so weak that I can’t handle a simple task by myself.”
The tears were running freely now, but I didn’t bother trying to hide them. I just didn’t care anymore.
“Mostly what you’ve done,” I continued, “is to keep me company. I’ve felt scared and alone ever since I hit this dimension ... or would have if you hadn’t been along. I’m so screaming afraid of making a mistake that I’d probably freeze up and do nothing unless I had somebody in tow to applaud when I did right and to carp at me when I did wrong ... just so I’d know the difference. That’s how insecure I am ... I don’t even trust my own judgment as to whether I’m right or not in what I do! The trouble is, I haven’t been doing so well in the friendship department lately. Aahz walked out on me, the M.Y.T.H. team thinks I’ve deserted them ... heck, I even managed to offend J. R. by trying to say thanks with my wallet instead of my mouth.”
It occurred to me I was starting to ramble. Making a feeble pass at my tear-streaked face with my sleeve, I forced a smile.
“Anyway, I can’t see imposing on you, either as a friend or a business associate, just to hold my hand in troubled times. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what you’ve done or that I’m trying to get rid of you. I’d appreciate it if you stuck around but I don’t think I have any right to ask you to.”
Having run out of things to say, I finished with a half-hearted shrug. Strangely enough, after baring my soul and clearing my mind of the things which had been troubling me, I felt worlds better.
“Are you through?”
Kalvin was still hovering patiently with his arms folded. Perhaps it was my imagination, but there seemed to be a terse edge to his voice ...
“I guess so. Sorry for running on like that.”
“No problem. Just as long as I get my innings.”
“Innings?”
“A figure of speech,” he waved. “In this case, it means it’s my turn to talk and your turn to listen. I’ve tried before, but it seems like every time I start, we get interrupted ... or you get drunk.”
I grimaced at the memory.
“I didn’t mean to get drunk. It’s just that I’ve never ... ”
“Hey! Remember? It’s my turn,” the Djin broke in. “I want to say ... just a second.”
He made a sweeping gesture with his band and ... grew! Suddenly he was the same size I was.
“There, that’s better!” he said, dusting his hands together. “It’ll be a little harder to overlook me now.”
I was about to ask for a full accounting of his “meager” powers, but his last comment had stung me.
“I’m sorry, Kalvin. I didn’t mean to ... ”
“Save it!” he ordered, waving his hand. “Right now it’s my turn. There’ll be lots of time later for you to wallow in guilt. If not, I’m sure you’ll make the time.”
That had a nasty sound to it, but I subsided and gestured for him to continue.
“Okay,” he said, “first, last, and in between, you’re wrong, Skeeve. It’s hard for me to believe such a right guy can be so wrong.”
It occurred to me that I had already admitted my confidence in my perception of right and wrong was at an all-time low. I didn’t verbalize it, though. Kalvi
n had said he wanted a chance to have his say, and I was going to do my best to not interrupt. I owed him that much.
“Ever since we met, you’ve been talking about right and wrong as if they were absolutes. According to you, things are either right or they’re wrong ... period. Was Aahz right to leave? ... Are you wrong to try to bring him back? ... Well, my young friend, life isn’t that simple. Not only are you old enough to know that, you’d better learn it before you drive yourself and everyone around you absolutely crazy!”
He began to float back and forth in the air in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back. I supposed it was his equivalent of pacing.
“It’s possible for you, or anyone else to not be right and still not be wrong, just as you can be right from a business standpoint, but wrong from a humanitarian viewpoint. The worlds are complex, and people are a hopeless tangle of contradictions. Conditions change not only from situation to situation and person to person, but from moment to moment as well. Trying to kid yourself that there’s some master key to what’s right and wrong is ridiculous ... worse than that, it’s dangerous, because you’ll always end up feeling incompetent and inadequate when it eludes you.”
Even though I was having trouble grasping what he was saying, that last part rang a bell. It described with uncomfortable accuracy how I felt about myself more often than not! I tried to listen more closely.
“You’ve got to accept that life is complicated and often frustrating. What’s right for you may not be right for Aahz. There are even times when there is no right answer ... just the least objectionable of several bad choices. Recognize that, then don’t waste time and energy wondering why it is or railing that it’s unfair ... accept it.”
“I ... I’ll try,” I said, “but it’s not easy.”
“Of course it’s not easy!” the Djin shot back. “Who ever said it was easy? Nothing’s easy. Sometimes it’s less difficult than at other times, but it’s never easy. Part of your problem is that you keep thinking things should be easy, so you assume the easy way is the right way. Case in point: You knew it would be hard to ask me to stay on after I had fulfilled the contract, so you decided the right thing to do was not to ask ... ignoring how hard it would be for you to keep hunting for Aahz without me.”
MA08 Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections Page 11
