by L B Winter
“I’m sorry.”
I felt my heart jump into my throat. “For what?”
“What I said earlier. I…” He stopped, and his breathing sped up, tears gathering in his eyes.
“It’s okay, Jamie. Really.” I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I knew that would only make it worse in his mind. So I said, “Come stay with me, and we’ll figure the rest of it out as we go. Okay?”
His chin trembled and his eyes closed tightly, but he nodded. “Okay.”
CHAPTER 8
Just Processing
__________
Taylor wasn’t as mad as he probably should have been, all things considered, when I showed up that afternoon with Jamie in tow, asking to borrow some tall-person clothes and take over the shared living room for a few days/weeks/however long it took to get Jamie back on his feet.
Jamie got settled on the couch to take a nap, and after I was sure he was asleep, I joined Taylor in his room to explain.
“I seriously thought he was going to jump off the roof, Tay,” I finished. “He was that upset.”
“That’s nuts, dude. But like, shouldn’t you…I don’t know, shouldn’t you refer him to a counselor or like, call a crisis number or something? Like, what qualifies you to talk him off the ledge?”
I paused. “That…is a great point.” I sighed, shaking my head as I replayed the scene in my mind. “Yeah, that’s totally what I should have done. God, I’m someone to call in a crisis, aren’t I? I was just like, ‘Come live with me! I’ll fix your life!’ But I can’t fix his life. I don’t even know what I’m doing.”
“Okay, well, calm down,” Tay said. “He does seem to be doing better now. I know he’s important to you, and it’s cool that you wanted to help him. I just don’t want you to, like, get dragged down into whatever this is.”
“I won’t,” I said. But it didn’t sound true, even to me. “I’m sorry, though. I know this is inconvenient.”
“It’ll be fine,” Taylor answered, waving his hand in the air.
“Are you sure? You usually study out there.”
“Oh, that’s right. Shit.”
I sighed, feeling more guilty than ever. “I can find him somewhere else to stay.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Taylor said. “It’s fine. I have a desk in here.”
“I can help you loft your bed,” I offered. “Then maybe we could get another couch or something to put under it, so you can still have somewhere comfortable.”
“That’s actually a really good idea,” he said. “Let’s do that next weekend.”
I nodded, then kicked him lightly . “Hey. Why are you being so cool about this?”
“About Jamie? Mystery Jamie, first-time Jamie, Jamie who last I knew was, in all probability, happily married and leading music at his very conservative church?”
“Uh…yeah.” So that’s what Tay had learned from Jason. I was even happier now that I hadn’t let him tell me about it last month.
He smiled. “Because you’re my best friend. And I know you.” Then he winked. “And you like like him.”
“Ugh, don’t say like like.”
“Deny it.”
I shook my head. “I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Honest, Tay. You should have heard the things he said to me earlier.”
He frowned. “Like what?”
“Oh, like…I don’t know. Like he was surprised you were willing to live with a gay guy, for example.”
“He said that?”
“Yeah, and when we were over at the apartment, he made his views on me and the guys really clear. But the thing is, he’s gay, too. He just can’t accept it.” I looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “It’s like all the things he thinks about himself, he says about us. Because that’s easier. But he doesn’t have a problem with me, I don’t think; it’s a problem with himself.”
Tay didn’t look convinced.
“Accepting who you are, when everybody has been telling you it’s wrong for your whole life? That’s hard.”
“I know that.”
I shook my head; there was no way he could possibly know, but there was no point picking a fight about it, especially not when he was being so cool about Jamie. “Anyway, later, he apologized.”
“He did?”
“Yeah, on the roof. Honest, Tay, he is so messed up right now. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like right now if I’d left Freedom and just—I don’t know, just pretended. It would be such a nightmare.”
I shuddered involuntarily, thinking about it. Would I have had a girlfriend? The thought made me a little queasy.
Taylor nodded with sympathy. “So what’s the plan now?”
That was a great question—I really didn’t have a plan. “Uh…hide out in here until dinner?”
Tay rolled his eyes and reached for his organic chemistry book.
But I needn’t have worried. Again, it was Lynn to the rescue. After Jamie woke up, I sent Tay to the student snack shop in the quad to get us a pizza to share. While we waited, we heard a knock on the door.
“Lynn, hey,” I said, as always happy to see her, when I opened the door.
“Hey, guys,” she said, smiling. “I hoped I’d find you here, Jamie.”
He sat up on the couch and gave his best imitation of a smile.
“Trent and I were talking. We know you need a job, just to get back on your feet, and we need some extra help at East Chic because business has been crazy for the past few months. It’s actually perfect timing for you to come work at the store! I mean, if you want to. We can only give you minimum wage to start with, but it’s so much fun to work there, and you would be doing us a huge favor because we won’t have to advertise and have interviews and everything. Are you interested?”
Lynn had walked in and settled down on the couch beside him.
“Oh—I don’t know. Maybe,” Jamie said. He looked overwhelmed.
“You don’t have to decide right this second. I just wanted to know if you would be willing to think about it.”
“Oh. Well, yeah. I’ll think about it, yeah.”
“Great.” Lynn looked around. “Where’s Taylor?”
“He’s getting pizza,” I said, leaning against the wall by the door, where I’d watched their conversation. This was really cool of Lynn, but she didn’t have to do it. Did that woman ever stop taking in strays?
She noticed the disbelief on my face, and she smiled and winked at me. Then she pulled her purse up over her shoulder. “I guess I’ll get going so I won’t interrupt your dinner.”
I shook my head. “No, Lynn. You should stay. You eat practically nothing so it’s not like there won’t be enough.”
She laughed. “I can’t stay tonight, actually. I have a date.”
Just as she said it, Taylor walked in the door with the pizza, and he was instantly all curiosity.
“Lynn, hey! I didn’t know you were coming over. What’s this about a date?”
She grinned at him and said, “Just that I have one.”
“With who?” Taylor asked, shoving the pizza box into my hands and sitting next to Lynn on the couch. Taylor didn’t see much of Marissa anymore, though they were still an item, and he had a pretty obvious and pathetic crush on Lynn.
“You don’t know him,” she answered, standing to leave. Immediately Taylor stood, too. I rolled my eyes, but he didn’t see.
“You know people we don’t know?” he asked.
“I do,” she said, her smile widening. I couldn’t help smiling, too. She wasn’t going to tell us anything now, just to get on Tay’s nerves.
“From work? From the gym? Who is he? Come on, why won’t you tell me?”
“I should go,” she said, and she leaned over to kiss my cheek as she left, just like she always did. I love that woman so much.
When the door closed behind Lynn, I walked to the coffee table with the pizza. “You’re pathetic,” I told Taylor.
“What? I just want to know who she’s going out wi
th.”
Jamie, who’d been watching silently, chuckled and reached for a slice of pizza. “She’s cute.”
“How would you know?” Taylor shot back, and I was shocked. Did he think he could tease all gay dudes the way he teased me and Steven?
But Jamie was unfazed. “I know what cute is.”
“I can’t tell if a guy is cute,” Taylor protested.
“Oh, shut up, yes you can,” I said, bringing napkins from the kitchenette for our pizza before helping myself to a slice.
“No, I can’t!” he said. “That night at the gay bar? No idea who the hot dudes were there.”
Sitting on the floor across from the guys, I scoffed. “You were the hot dude, Tay. They were all watching you.”
He blushed. “Not really?”
“Sorry, buddy.”
I glanced at Jamie, whose expression was impossible to read. He didn’t seem offended, exactly—just surprised, and unsure how to react. I’m sure he’d never joked around like this with straight guys before, or talked about being gay in any setting as though it was anything but awful. We were throwing him for a loop.
“There were guys looking at you, too,” Taylor said. “Besides the obvious one.”
I blushed. Ugh, Taylor, please don’t talk about this in front of Jamie.
“The obvious one?” Jamie asked.
I shook my head. “It’s nothing. Nothing.” I looked seriously at Taylor, and he laughed.
“Yeah, okay. But you were also the cute one, that’s all I’m saying.”
“That’s fine with me. Not really an insult, buddy.”
Jamie changed the subject, probably wanting not to think about how attractive I might or might not be.
“Do you have a girlfriend, Taylor?”
“Yeah. Marissa. She’s a senior, so she’s still back in our hometown, and I don’t really see her much, but…yeah.”
I don’t think I’d ever heard him so unenthusiastic about Marissa. “Everything okay, Reese?” I asked.
He frowned and said, “I don’t know. Maybe. It’s complicated.”
Was something going on? Why hadn’t he said anything to me? Not to make it all about me, but geez. We tell each other stuff, don’t we?
Reading my thoughts, he said, “If it mattered, I would have told you, Paul. Honest. I’m just processing.”
Huh. Processing. That didn’t sound good.
“What is there to process?”
He shook his head. “She…she sort of kissed somebody else.”
“What?” Oops. That was a pretty high-pitched sound to make in front of my crush-not-crush.
“I knew you would overreact,” Taylor said, and I noticed Jamie studying his hands. As a dude who had just cheated on his sham of a marriage, he probably didn’t want to hear about somebody else cheating. Who could blame him?
I said, “Sorry, Tay. We don’t have to talk about it. I’m just here, you know, if you ever do want to.”
“Thanks,” he said.
It was obvious this line of conversation was painful to both of them, so I turned to Jamie and said, “What I really want to know is if you think you’ll come work at East Chic.”
He gave a half-hearted smile. “I don’t know. Do you guys work there?”
We both laughed; no way either of us would be good candidates to work there. “No, I’m pretty sure that would be Lynn’s worst nightmare,” Taylor said. “She thinks we’re her babies.” He rolled his eyes, and I could see that it bothered him that she didn’t take him more seriously. But then, maybe he should try acting more seriously.
“It’s a great store, though,” I added. “It’s a boutique with all these hats and accessories and fun stuff, and it brings in a really cool crowd. That’s actually where I first met Lynn.”
Oh, shit. Shouldn’t have said that.
“Really? You shop at a boutique?” Jamie asked, probably judging me by my New Tower Track & Field t-shirt and shorts.
“No, more like he begged for scraps on the sidewalk there,” Taylor said. Somehow my homelessness had become a joke to him over the summer; you’d have to know him. Before I could stop him, he added, “Did Paul tell you what happened after he left the center?”
“No.” Jamie turned to me, curious.
I glared at Taylor. “It really doesn’t matter.”
Jamie set down his pizza and leaned forward to look into my eyes. “Paul, what happened?”
I shook my head and sighed. Was there a way to describe this that wouldn’t make Jamie feel personally responsible? “My dad told me not to come home if I left Freedom. So I came to Philly, and … when I ran out of money, I just kind of lived…” I gestured with my hand toward the door. “Outside. For a little while.”
“Are you kidding me?”
I shook my head.
“What’s a little while?”
“Two weeks or so? I think. I don’t know, exactly. It’s all kind of a blur.”
“Paul.” Jamie seemed at a loss for words. He kept opening his mouth and closing it without saying anything, and I tried to make light of the situation because I felt like this was the last thing Jamie needed to worry about right now.
“Look, it wasn’t that bad,” I lied. “Lynn and Trent found me and took me back to New Tower, and Mom and Dad were able to accept that I’m gay, and look at me now! Total success. Envy of the world.”
Jamie ignored my joke. He leaned his elbows onto his knees and rested his forehead on his hands. “I didn’t mean for that to happen to you,” he said softly.
“It didn’t have anything to do with you,” I said.
He sat up, and his eyes were clouded over. “Yes, it did.”
Tay looked back and forth between us as it dawned on him why I hadn’t wanted Jamie to know about this; it was after sleeping with Jamie that I decided not to reorient, and it was after sleeping with me that Jamie decided he was straight. So, while it wasn’t exactly his fault, it was hard to deny he’d been a contributing factor. I was relieved when, this time, Tay changed the subject.
“Jamie, hey, you want to pick out some of my clothes? We’re probably the same size, or pretty close.”
He blinked and looked at Tay silently for a moment. Then, “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”
They walked off into Taylor’s room, and I sat on the floor, staring at our pizza and wondering how life had suddenly gotten so complicated.
Taylor and I both had class the next day, and I was worried about leaving Jamie alone. Later that night, after Jamie had fallen asleep, I texted Steven to ask if he might be willing to hang out with Jamie while we were at class.
He wrote back: You know I love you, Paul. But no. Absolutely not.
I should have seen that coming. So I texted Lynn the same question.
Send him by the store! We have plenty for him to do, believe me.
Jamie hadn’t said he wanted to work there, but at the very least, he wouldn’t be alone. I guessed that was better than nothing. I wrote back to Lynn to tell her to expect him around 9. Jamie would have to take the bus, but that was fine; I had a pass he could borrow. After a minute, I wrote back to Steven, too.
Sorry he was such a dick.
Steven answered, Not ur fault. U R a good friend.
I hoped so.
***
Jamie was up very early in the morning. When I came out to grab a power bar before my morning run, he was already sitting up on the couch, blankets folded neatly in a stack. He looked exhausted.
“Morning,” I said, giving a little wave.
“Morning,” he answered. When he noticed my clothes, his face lit up a little. “Hey, are you going for a run?”
“Yeah. Want to join?”
His smile faded. “I sold my shoes.”
“Just borrow Taylor’s; he never runs anymore. Are you a size 13?”
He nodded.
“So is he. They’re in the closet by the door. I’ll grab you some of his running clothes.”
Before Jamie could argue, I sneaked
into Taylor’s room. He’d fallen asleep studying (not an uncommon occurrence for him) and was facedown on a pile of books in his bed. I watched to make sure he was breathing (can’t let my best friend study himself to death), threw a blanket over him, then brought shorts and a long-sleeved t-shirt to Jamie. He changed in the bathroom, and when he was ready, we took off.
Jamie was a much faster runner than I was. Like, way faster, could have run on the college team, fast. After about a mile, I panted, “Slower.”
He laughed and slowed down. “Oh, sorry. It feels so good to run again.”
When I finally caught my breath, I said, “You’re really fast.” It was embarrassing how much better than me he was; I had never even tried to run that fast before. He gave me this cocky little smile that reminded me of Freedom.
“I can sprint a five-minute mile when I’m really in shape,” he said proudly.
“Seriously? That’s gotta be the fastest I’ve ever run in my life just now.”
He chuckled. “I should have noticed. You’re still breathing too fast.”
“I’m tired.”
He glanced around. We had run through campus and were now approaching a small park. “Want to walk a little?”
I shook my head. “You aren’t tired.”
“It’s not a big deal,” he said. “I should take it easy, too. We’ve already gone a ways.”
Too worn out to argue, I slowed to a walk as we entered the park, and Jamie followed suit.
We were quiet while I caught my breath, but then Jamie said, “I want to tell you I’m sorry about what happened at Freedom, Paul.”
I waited, unsure what to say. He went on, “I know you left because I took advantage of you, and I used you because I was too weak to do the right thing.”
Ah. The “right thing” being reorientation. I said, “We were kids; we liked each other. You didn’t do anything wrong. He opened his mouth to argue, and I interrupted before he could. “Or at least, you didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to do.”
Of course, the whole dumping me for Ellen thing might be considered wrong—at least, it felt wrong to me. But this wasn’t really the time to bring up my years-old grudge about that.
