by Sabrina Kade
“It would be…” I say slowly. If I were hunting or fishing. Which I am not.
Still, it is interesting to hear of Sloane’s skills. I did not know that human females could hunt or fish. The females on the fatherland rarely participated in what they would have called wasteful, dangerous nonsense. Hunting and fishing and gathering were skills meant for males. Females were merely there to catch a mate and give him plenty of sprogs. If they did anything otherwise… I shudder.
I don’t want to think about the hunts right now.
I listen to Sloane speak about hunting and fishing for a little while. I have to say it is interesting. The idea of catching endalas for Dolan and some of the others is intriguing because we would not have to rely so much upon Prince Korben and his connections. The idea of hunting leaves me bothered, though. So few of us eat meat. It is not considered honorable and many of us are religious despite our feelings about how females should be treated.
“Do humans eat a lot of meat?” I ask carefully, hoping not to offend her.
Luckily, Sloane only smiles brightly. “Oh man, do we ever! Back home when I was in high school, I could eat two cheeseburgers with bacon, six chicken tenders, and a slice of pepperoni pizza without batting an eye. My friends hated me. I have a high metabolism, you see, which means I can eat whatever I want and never gain any weight.”
My mind barely processes this. “So, you are considered slim in human standards?”
“Yes.”
“So, you are unlike Dolan’s mate?”
She snickers. “I guess Layla is a little thicker than me. But yeah! Back to meat. We didn’t have to have food delivered like we do here, not from planet-to-planet anyway. We could get it ourselves. And it was already killed. Like, when I saw cheeseburger, I don’t mean I went out into the woods, shot a steer, butchered, and cooked its meat over a fire. I mean, I went to a woman and said, ‘two cheeseburgers with bacon,’ and she’d drop them on my plate. No killing. No butchering. No cooking. Just, wham, bam, DONE.”
“Whambamdone,” I repeat, though it doesn’t sound the same coming from my lips. “So, you are saying that humans not only eat a lot of animals, but they don’t honor the sacrifice of the animal giving their lives to them?” I try to picture it, but it’s so brutal and disgusting that my skin crawls. I don’t like thinking of Sloane as a barbarian, but how can I not? She sounds as though her people are numb to killing.
Perhaps, Sloane is not a warrior after all. Or maybe, she is one of the greatest in her peoples’ history because she speaks of killing as though it is nothing more than speaking of rain.
“Well, most of my girlfriends were like that, but I swear, Exer, I know how to hunt and fish! If I knew which animals tasted good cooked, I could kill them, I’m sure.”
I frown. “I’m not sure if I like the idea of you killing animals.”
“Oh.” She seems embarrassed, and this time I don’t have to fight an urge to comfort her. I’m not sure if I like the idea of Sloane with a bow or arrow. I don’t like the image of her butchering Hinda. But maybe—
“If they were honored properly, there may be a few species that the females could use for sustenance,” I admit. “Some are native to this planet, so perhaps my brothers would not frown at the idea of you murdering them.”
She winces. “Gosh. I wouldn’t be murdering them the sake of murder. I’d kill them so the girls had something to eat that’s fresh.”
“Same thing,” I mutter.
“You guys take this seriously, huh? About not killing or eating animals?”
I nod. “I am not saying murder doesn’t happen. If you get close enough to a fauder, you would be forgiven for killing it. There is nothing in our studies that say it is sacrilegious to murder them.”
She hums. “What does a… fauder look like?”
“A fauder?” I close my eyes and try to picture one, so I can best describe it. “Eight legs and two arms. A huge, bulbous body covered in pure white fur. Their legs are spindly and long. They move quickly. They are not aggressive if they respect another species as a predator, but they will attack weak prey. I suppose their fangs are similar to mine.” I turn and flash my teeth at her, and she winces.
“So, what you’re saying is I’d be dealing with a massive spider with arms and fangs?
“I don’t know what a spy-dare is, but they do have two arms and fangs.”
“Huh.” She falls silent for a moment, uncrossing her legs and picking at the dirt floor with her blunt fingernails. “I’m not sure I’m up to killing and eating some alien spider creature… but what about fishing? You guys eat fish, right?” I nod, explaining that most of us do, some with and some without choice. “So maybe fish would be a better option.”
“Probably,” I admit.
Honestly, this whole conversation is leaving me a bit nauseous. I don’t want Sloane anywhere near Hinda if she has any plans of harming or killing her. Ugh, or roasting her meat. That is the beautiful thing about animals. They are pure. They are innocent. And while Sloane may seem like a fragile human, her people are used to turning away when an animal’s life is stripped before them.
“But I guess none of that matters, though, huh? You said you weren’t hunting or fishing in the first place.”
“I was not.”
“So, what were you doing?”
There it is. The question I wish Sloane wouldn’t ask. I don’t want to lie to her. The thought leaves me sick to my stomach, but when I remain silent for too long, Sloane leans in closer, and I smell feminine musk rising from her skin, centrally located between her thighs. She smells divine.
“Look, if I freaked you about talking about cheeseburgers and bacon or whatever, I won’t anymore, okay? Forget I mentioned anything about hunting or killing. Please?” I lift my chin, eyes meeting hers, and I’m surprised when her front teeth appear to nibble on her lower lip. “I hope I didn’t freak you out. I guess I did. You guys don’t eat meat, but I didn’t think it was such a big deal. That’s my fault. Don’t be pissed, okay?”
“Pissed? As in angry? I am not—”
“Just please don’t disappear and not tell me you’re leaving.”
I blink, feeling like an idiot. “Did that upset you?”
“You left without telling me anything. Yes, that upset me! Everyone thinks you and I are so close and yet, I didn’t know anything. I felt so stupid. I thought we were friends, Exer.”
“We are.” I wish we could be more. “I did not know this upset you so much. Does me not telling you when I’m leaving upset you more than what I am doing while I’m gone?”
She considers this, her bright red eyebrows furrowing. My question is probably petty and stupid, but the answer is still essential.
“I guess I rather know you’re leaving in the first place, than what you’re doing when you get there,” she admits in a low voice.
I nod. “Then from now on, I will tell you when I am leaving. I can not tell you when I am returning, but I will try to give you an estimate to the length of my absence. Would that be all right?”
Her eyes widen. “Just like that? Because I asked?”
“This is important to you. And you say, we are friends, yes?”
She nods before leaning against the wall. There’s such a soft and serene look on her face that the need to hold her comes rushing back. A need to touch, hold, and caress her.
A need to claim her.
“Yes. We’re friends,” Sloane interrupts my thoughts before they become dangerous. “Friends.”
Friends. That word never used to bother me before. I found comfort in it.
But now? Something itches the back of my neck and the tips of my fingers. All but burning my skin as Sloane and I fall into a comfortable silence.
Friends. This is why she will not look at me. She does not desire me.
Friends. This is why she presses her skin against mine and I detect no arousal.
She does not ache for me. This shouldn’t bother me. But it does.
&n
bsp; “Who are your other friends here?”
She jerks, startled and looks up at me. “Huh?”
“You said we are friends. I am honored to be your friend, yes, but I am curious if you have other friends. Even if I were to tell you when I am leaving to…” I trail off, letting the rest of my sentence fall away, “… I don’t like the idea of you being alone.”
“I won’t be alone.”
“Dolan has taken your friend as a mate.”
She frowns. “Well, yeah. But there’s others.”
“Who?” I cock my head to the side, expecting a quick response, but when she doesn’t answer right away, I am not pleased to have won this argument. “What about the other females?”
“They’re… busy…”
“With my brothers.”
“Yes,” she admits, cheeks flushing pink. “Everyone’s looking for a mate or whatever. I guess it makes sense.”
“And you?”
“What about me?”
“Are you looking for a mate?”
For once, Sloane falls completely silent. Did she not hear my question? Maybe her translator malfunctioned. But she must have heard me. Her shoulders have bunched together. I want to take the question back. Especially if it means Sloane won’t wear that haunted expression on her face. What does it mean when her lips downturn like that and there is no color on her cheeks? My lips part to ask that she forget what I said when she jerks toward me.
“Are you looking for a mate?”
My hearts stop. I blink like an idiot. What do I say? What can I say?
Then she smiles. She laughs. Loudly. “Exer, I’m kidding!” I join in her laughter, though it’s much more uneasy sounding. “Geez! Did you see your face? I’m kidding! Don’t answer that!” She starts waving her hands around, and though she’s laughing, it doesn’t sound genuine. The sound isn’t quite right.
She wasn’t kidding. She was asking me seriously. She wants to know if I’m planning to take a mate. I should let this go. She is as uncomfortable with this conversation topic as I am. The words fly out anyway.
“You’re not kidding.” Her blue eyes widen, and I’m sure she’s shocked that I’m not allowing her to get away with lies. She is beautiful, but she is also transparent. She cannot hide anything from me. Her face gives too much away, even if I do not understand all her expressions. “If you are curious about whether I am taking a mate, you only have to ask. But be serious about it, please.”
Her once widened eyes, narrow into slits and she frowns. “I'm not being serious. I told you, Exer. It was a joke. Whatever you want to do is your choice. I have nothing to do with your decisions about taking a mate or not. Do what you want.”
At first, I want to say that it is my choice. It doesn’t have anything to do with her. But I’m surprised by how much her response also stings. Is she genuinely not curious? I should do what I want? What if what I want to do is her?
I slick my tongue across my lower lip, deciding what I should say, but the words will not come. I genuinely don’t know what to say. Do I want Sloane? She is beautiful, yes. She is also chatty, and friendly. She enjoys spending time with so many other of the human females.
Which I find quite tedious.
I decide to see how Sloane will react when I tell her my honest answer. I suppose it is not completely honest, though.
“I am not looking for a mate.”
It’s true and false. How can I not think about mating when there is an attractive female before me with bloody hair and pale skin? She smells like the freshest of teeder berries, and when I think about her too long at night, I long to stroke my cock for release.
“Really?” The look of hesitation on her face is obvious, but I don’t want to let her know how much I need her, especially when I have no plans to try to take her. At least not now. The company of so many of my brothers and the females they crave makes my hands shake.
“Really.”
“So, where do you go?”
I blink. Once. Twice. “Where do I go?”
“Yes.” She nods. “You keep disappearing for longer periods of time. Where are you going?” She glances at her hands, digging in the dirt. “It wouldn’t be wrong if you and one of the girls didn’t want others to know you’re hooking up. But you don’t have to lie to me about it. We’re friends. You can tell me. Who knows? Maybe I can help keep your secret.”
I resist hissing, but barely. Another female? Like I could tolerate anyone other than Sloane and—I stop suddenly, flashing my eyes to hers. There is no other. Of course, there is no other female! And this thing she speaks of? Hooking up? What is this? And if it does have something to do with pleasure, why is Sloane offering to keep it a secret? Does she care about me so little that she would help me sneak away to visit another female?
“There is no hooking up,” I grumble.
“So, what?” she asks carefully, cheeks blazing with pink. “Are you not interested in females at all?
“I’m interested.” Or I was. In the past. Before I came to Hethdiss, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing this information. My past has nothing to do with my present. “I simply find the company of so many of my brothers and the females they follow around tiring.”
“Tiring?”
I nod. I’m expecting her to agree, and perhaps we could share a conversation about how annoying some of the female chatter is, but she only frowns.
“Have I said something wrong?”
She shakes her head, and I swear my heart hiccups. “No, no. It’s not that. I get it. It sounds like you have social anxiety or something. But…” I lean closer, finding myself wanting to brush my skin against hers. My skin is hot, and it’s not because of the temperature because the humans like the sun rayers on low in the Gathering Room.
“Tell me,” I mutter.
She takes in a deep breath, releases it slowly, and I’m shocked when it sounds shaky. I have said something wrong. Sloane’s upset about something I said.
This is why I find others so tiring. Despite conversing with aliens, it seems I never say the right thing.
“Do you find me tiring too, Exer?”
I nearly gasp. This was not the question I expected and realizing that my words may have made her come to this conclusion makes me want to grab her shoulders and shake her. No! No, of course, I do not find her tiring! Why would I be here? Why would I come back to the stink of my brothers’ desperation? Why would I face so much chitter and chatter and lust and verbal sparring? I don’t care for any of it! And yet, Sloane does not think she is special to me. She says we are friends, but perhaps she does not think I view her in the same way.
I hate that she feels this way.
But why shouldn’t she?
She is right. I have been disappearing. I haven’t told her where I’ve been going.
She knows nothing about how much of a struggle it is for me to be around the others.
“I will not leave again without telling you,” I promise. It is the best I can do. “You have my word, Sloane. And though you are not asking me seriously, I will answer your earlier question seriously. I am not looking for a mate at this time. And while I do find the company of so many of my brothers tiring, that would never include you.” I dare to nudge her gently with my shoulder, forcing her to lift her chin and stare into my eyes. They are lovely eyes. So much like the watercrests back at the fatherland. “You are one of the least tiring females I have ever met, Sloane. Alien or Sidyth. You are not tiring at all.”
Sloane smirks. Have I said something wrong yet again? But when she breaks out into a huge, toothy grin, my heart bursts with joy and my cock bobs with need. I love seeing all the different expressions on Sloane’s face, but the one I enjoy most? It is her joy. Pure, unobstructed, joy.
I want her so badly that it hurts.
“Thank you,” she says in a low voice. “That’s… uh. Quite the compliment. Especially coming from you.”
Especially coming from me? I don’t quite understand what she means, bu
t I am happy any way. Why is it that talking to others leaves me tired and with a racing heart, but I am so warm and calm around Sloane?
I know what my body thinks. Choose her. Claim her. Pleasure her. I am still not sure I can. Choosing Sloane would mean no more trips to the northern region. Prince Korben would not want me to risk a human female. I do not wish to put Sloane at risk either.
What would Hinda think of her? What would Sloane think of Hinda?
I think of Sloane’s harsh words. Humans killing animals without viewing it as killing. Strange.
Yet. I want her. I love how she chases away the sickness when I’m near so many others. I haven’t had this feeling since—
It does not matter.
I try imagining spending day after day in Prince Korben’s bubble of safety on Hethdiss. I suppose it would not be terrible. I could endure for Sloane. But I don’t want to endure. I’ve suffered for far too long and now I want to be happy. Unfortunately, that happiness is not at the lairs.
I am frustrated with myself. I want to be with Sloane. I cannot deny the urge to claim her when I spend time around her, and yet, I cannot stay away from her. I need to know she is safe. I need to see that she has other human females to watch over her. Dolan was not wrong. I should spend more time at the lairs and try to understand the feelings I have for Sloane, but I cannot bear it. Since setting up my sanctuary with Hinda, I’m starting to feel at peace. I love the lack of judgment. I love silence, and Sloane surrounds herself with so much chatter.
Does this annoy me because she is amongst others, or would it be all right under the talas where her voice would be the only one?
“Why don’t you try taking me with you some time?” Sloane asks, peeking up at me through her thick lashes. “When you leave the lairs? Maybe I could go with you.”
I shake my head. “No.”
Her lips part as though she wishes to say something else, but no words come. I hate rejecting her, but I am not ready to share my private world with anyone else. Not even Sloane. She is the only person I would share it with, but I like how things are going right now. What if she hurt Hinda? What if a rodur turned on her? How would I ever be able to look at my reflection?
