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by Rachel Spangler


  “Wow.” Beth seemed momentarily taken aback. “Jumping right in. Okay. She did mention seeing you there.”

  “I bet she did.” Kelly’s laugh sounded mirthless even to herself.

  “She doesn’t think what you think she does.”

  “Believe it or not, I don’t really care what she thinks. I did in the moment, and maybe I will again, but right now I have much bigger concerns than your fiancée’s opinion of me.”

  Beth nodded. “Okay. What about my opinion of you? Does that still matter at all?”

  She paused to ponder the question. Did Beth’s opinion still matter? It used to mean everything. No, maybe not quite everything. That had been part of their problem. Beth’s opinion had mattered a lot, but never quite enough. But what did it mean now? With her father gone, Beth knew her better than anyone. They’d been closer longer than she had been with any other living human being. Surely their connection meant something. And yet, sitting there across from her, she realized it certainly didn’t mean what it had three years ago. And as she searched her feelings, she had to admit Beth’s presence didn’t stir her in the way it had even two months ago. How could she explain those changes to herself, much less to Beth?

  Thankfully, the phone rang, distracting them both.

  “Go ahead and answer,” Beth said. “I know you’re on the clock.”

  “Rolen and Rolen, Kelly speaking.”

  “Hello, Ms. Rolen. This is Helen Hartwell, calling from the Tax Policy Institute.”

  All the air left her lungs in a rush.

  “I’m calling to check Elliott Garza’s references. Do you have a moment to talk?”

  She nodded slowly, then caught herself. “Yes, a moment.”

  “Elliot is a finalist for a fellowship with my organization. Really she’s the top finalist at the moment. She had an extremely impressive interview. She seemed smart, thoughtful and driven, as well as amicable and capable in relating to both people and the higher-order concepts needed to work successfully in the field.”

  “Yes.” She squeaked out the word. She could’ve done without the total recap of what she’d lose in Elliot.

  “I have a long list of questions I could ask, but I know you’re in the final week of tax season, so I’ll try to distill them down. Do you feel I’ve made an accurate assessment of Elliot’s character and abilities?”

  She pressed her pointer and index finger to her temple, trying to stem the pulse throbbing there. She couldn’t believe this came down to her recommendation. She’d spent a week trying to push Elliot away, and yet the thought of being the one to provide Elliot the opportunity to leave felt like a knife to her brain. No. Not her brain, her heart.

  A little insidious whisper curled through her mind saying she didn’t have to. She could stop the whole nightmare right here. She could tell this Helen woman she’d gotten the wrong impression. She could say Elliot wasn’t quite ready for D.C. She could do so politely, just drop little hints like, she would be a good CPA someday, or that she’d be a good fit if she had a little more time to mature. She could so easily plant a seed of doubt. She couldn’t keep Elliot there forever, but she could buy, or rather steal, more time.

  If only Beth weren’t sitting right there.

  Glancing up, she met those expectant blue eyes and felt nothing. Not regret, not disappointment, not even the usual flutter of something she didn’t want to acknowledge. Years together, years apart, years of holding on to something she could never fully call her own— where had it gotten her?

  Here, apparently.

  In an office where she would soon work alone, across from a woman who would soon marry someone else, on the phone with someone who would soon work with the only woman who had offered her any real chance at something meaningful.

  “Ms. Rolen?” Helen asked.

  “Yes, sorry. I was thinking about what I should tell you.”

  “Uh-oh, that sounds ominous.”

  She shook her head. She wouldn’t do this again. She couldn’t hold on to something she had no right to own. She’d made her mistakes with Beth. She couldn’t undo them. She didn’t even want to anymore, but she didn’t want to be sitting in the same position with Elliot three years from now. “No. I just want to make it perfectly clear that even your highest assessment of Elliot is likely an underestimation. She’s everything she appeared to be and more.”

  “That’s very high praise.”

  “And it’s only the beginning. She’s young, and she’s just starting to learn her power and her poise. She’s intuitive. She’s brilliant. She’s steady in a crisis. If given the right opportunities and the support she deserves, there are no limits to her potential.”

  “So you’d have no reservations about recommending her for this job?”

  She smiled sadly. “I wouldn’t go that far, but my biggest reservation is that I won’t be around to see who she becomes.”

  “I’ve worked in this field for twenty years, and I’m not sure I’ve ever heard such a heartfelt endorsement of a job candidate before.”

  “When she came to work here, a friend told me Elliot was special,” Kelly said, holding Beth’s gaze. “I didn’t believe her. Hopefully I can save you the trouble of finding out for yourself.”

  “Thank you, Ms. Rolen,” Helen said sincerely. “I appreciate your time and your insights. I promise they won’t go unheeded. Good luck with the end of the season.”

  “Thank you,” Kelly managed around the lump in her throat, then quickly hung up the phone.

  She and Beth sat in silence for a long, heavy moment while she collected herself and blinked away the mist from her eyes.

  “Are you okay?” Beth finally asked.

  “I will be,” she said, then made a show of shuffling some papers. “Did you get the answers you came here for?”

  “I guess I did.”

  “But?” Kelly asked, sensing a shared sadness.

  “They were the answers I thought I needed to hear, but maybe not the ones I hoped for.”

  “There’s nothing for her here, Beth.”

  “Okay then. If you believe that, then you did the right thing.” Beth rose and smiled a smile that didn’t crinkle the corners of her eyes. “I’ll let you get back to your work.”

  She didn’t much care for the insinuation in the comment or the way it made her stomach clench, but she understood Beth’s summation. She had every right to make it. She, better than anyone, understood the odds, but she didn’t understand what it took for Kelly to do what she’d done. Beth didn’t know her anymore, not the way she used to. Kelly wasn’t the same person who had fallen in love with her. She wasn’t even the same person who had let her go. She would never be either of those people again. Maybe Beth didn’t know her better than anyone else. Maybe no one would ever really know her. And wasn’t that what she’d always wanted?

  For the kid who grew up wishing no one knew her backstory, and the young woman who lived in fear of people finding out too much about her true identity— hadn’t she just accomplished her life’s goal? She’d molded and carved and rebuilt her public image in a lifetime of rebellion against the idea of being fully known. Or being known as anything other than the aspects of herself she carefully controlled. Once Elliot left, she would have succeeded. There’d be no more risk of being found out. No more risk of being talked about. No more risk of exposure or vulnerability. She would finally be safe, and secure, and respected.

  She would also be completely alone.

  “Aren’t you about done for today?” Kelly asked, picking up a stack of folders off the corner of Elliot’s desk.

  Elliot frowned as she glanced at the clock. Five o’clock would seem late on most Saturdays, but not the last Saturday before tax season ended. She would’ve expected to work around the clock right now. Kelly would, and she would’ve let a true partner do the same. Which only proved the point she was likely trying to make. She saw Elliot as nothing more than an intern. Thirty-five hours a week wouldn’t get the work done, bu
t Kelly would rather miss the filing deadline than have another breakdown in their professional hierarchy. Did she get some kind of kick out of pulling the strings on Elliot’s contract, or did she merely want to prove she had the power to do so?

  Maybe Elliot had misjudged her. She wouldn’t have thought Kelly would let her ego get in the way of getting a job done. Then again, maybe her ego wasn’t doing the talking. Maybe she only held so tightly to those internship regulations because she didn’t trust herself to act on her own wishes— or not to act on them.

  No. No more wishful thinking on her part. Consent mattered. She wouldn’t take advantage of a stressful time. She wouldn’t be a regret or a weakness for Kelly. Not again.

  “As soon as I finish this file, I’ll head out.” She stood, stretching her arms in the air and arching her back until two compressed vertebrae each gave a satisfying pop. She had to let go of some of this tension or she’d be a hunchbacked mess before the fifteenth. How had Kelly carried so much stress for so long and still managed to stand so ramrod straight?

  Elliot turned to her, intending to make a quip about her height, but the look in Kelly’s dark eyes stopped her cold. Kelly’s pupils had dilated as they raked over the length of her body, pausing where her shirt had ridden up, exposing her stomach and lower abs. Her cheeks flushed, but not nearly as bright as Kelly’s when she realized she’d been caught staring.

  “Good. Well then, have a good evening.”

  “Kel,” Elliot whispered.

  “Don’t call me that.” The words sounded more plaintive than commanding.

  “Kelly, please.”

  She closed her eyes and sighed softly. “You should go now.”

  “Before you crack? Before you show me all those feelings you’re doing a terrible job of hiding?”

  Kelly’s eyes flew open, a flash of anger doing nothing to hide the other emotions swirling behind it. “Don’t tell me how I feel.”

  “Then why don’t you tell me how you feel?”

  “I need to get back to work.”

  “That’s not a feeling statement.” She stepped closer, and Kelly stepped back. “What are you so afraid of?”

  “I’m not afraid.” Kelly took another step back, but Elliot followed her. “I’m busy. I’m frustrated. I’m tired.”

  “You’re scared.”

  She clenched her jaw. “Stop psychoanalyzing me. You can’t read my mind.”

  “Then tell me yourself. Don’t make me guess.” She stepped forward again, and this time Kelly defiantly held her ground, lifting her chin proudly even as her chest rose and fell dramatically. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

  “You don’t have to do anything, but you want to.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Kelly said, then, looking away, she muttered, “You got the job in D.C.”

  “What?” Elliot shook her head at the abrupt transition.

  “I spoke to Helen Hartwell yesterday. I gave her your reference, a good one. I expect you’ll hear from her on Monday, but your offer and acceptance are merely formalities now.”

  “No.” The word came out before she had a chance to think it through.

  “No?” Kelly’s voice rose, as she’d obviously regained the upper hand in the conversation.

  “No,” she repeated numbly. She wanted the job. She really did. Or at least she thought she did. But she couldn’t process through that now. Not with Kelly so close. Not when she’d almost gotten her to open up again. She’d seen the emotions play so quickly across her features, but now they’d gone cold and hard once more. She couldn’t take the interpersonal whiplash anymore. She couldn’t stand to be shut out again, and she couldn’t have her dreams used against her in the process.

  Everything couldn’t just change in this instant, not before she had closure.

  Reaching out, she wrapped an arm around Kelly’s waist and pulled her body tightly against hers. Kelly flattened both her palms on Elliot’s chest, and she braced for a protest that never came. Instead of pushing her away, Kelly molded against her, hips to hips and forehead to shoulder.

  “Elliot,” she whispered, “I’m trying so hard to do the right thing.”

  Elliot’s resolve melted at the anguish in her voice.

  “I’m using every ounce of strength I have left to do right by you. God, haven’t you seen how hard I’ve had to fight this? Don’t you understand what it’s taking out of me?”

  “I do understand,” she said, her voice thick with emotion, “because I’ve been here too, all along. It’s never been just you struggling to do the right thing, but somehow you’re the only one who gets a say in what the right thing is. What about me? What about what I want? When do I get my turn to say what I need to say?”

  “You’re right.” Kelly nodded against her shoulder. “You have a right to say what you need to about your feelings.”

  “Me. My feelings. My needs. Why can’t it be a conversation about us, our needs, what we are feeling?”

  “I can’t.”

  “You won’t.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Why? Because I got too close? What happened between us felt too real?”

  “Yes.” The whisper made Kelly sound small.

  “I understand it’s scary for you. After everything you told me about your upbringing, I know having Rory see you at my place dredged up a lot of old memories and fears. I didn’t blame you for wanting to run, but I didn’t intend to abandon you. You don’t have to face anything alone.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You don’t. I got scared too, Kelly. When you walked out the door, the panic nearly swallowed me.” Elliot’s voice cracked, raw with the renewed terror of reliving the moment. “You’re not the only one with something at stake here, but the major difference is, I can admit it.”

  “What does it matter what we admit? Nothing will change the fact that you’re leaving. Am I supposed to ask you to give up the life you deserve for a lifetime of sneaking around and watching your back?” Kelly pulled gently away. “You’d come to hate me if you said ‘yes.’ I’d hate myself for letting you.”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way,” Elliot pleaded.

  “It does. You say you understand, but you don’t. You don’t know what it’s like here. I’m the one who’s lived it. I know what this existence takes out of you and what it gives back. Only I can make that decision. I’ve made it my whole life.”

  “But you don’t have to choose the same life now. Surely things are different with your dad gone.” She felt Kelly tense and rushed to explain. “I know you’re grieving, but you don’t have to protect him anymore. You don’t have to worry about soiling his image— not that your being who you are is a discredit to him, but you know what I mean.”

  “I don’t. Or maybe I do, but you’re wrong. I’m the only one left to protect his legacy now.” Kelly held out her arm and gestured around the office. “There’s even more pressure now. To carry on, to keep his work alive, to prove he raised me right. What will people think if I go under now?”

  “You don’t have to let the business go under. You can still be a CPA, only you can be out and happy at the same time.”

  “And let everyone think I had to wait for him to die before I could come out? Let them believe he held me back or held me down? I used to be closeted and sad until my dad died, but now I can finally be happy?” She let her hands drop heavily to her sides. “What kind of message would that send to people?”

  Elliot couldn’t win against that logic. “Why do you care so much what other people think?”

  “What?”

  “Who cares what other people think about you or your legacy or your relationship with your father? You know the truth. You know who you are, what you’re capable of, and what he meant to you. Why does anyone else’s opinion matter?”

  “I can’t go back to living like some small-town sideshow. Maybe you can, and that’s all the more reason for you to move on to bigger and better things, bu
t I can’t take the whispers and the stares and the silent judgment.” Kelly didn’t sound angry or defiant so much as exhausted. “You think if I came out I’d be free, but I could never be myself here, not amid all the curiosity and condemnation. I would resent it. I’d suffocate.”

  “Then leave,” Elliot said simply. There didn’t seem to be any other option. Every other path she’d tried had led only to another dead end. “If you can’t be yourself in the closet, and you can’t be out here, then walk away. You say there’s no future here for me, but it sounds like there’s no future worth living for you either, so get out of here.”

  “I can’t,” Kelly practically sobbed.

  “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe this is the future you really want.”

  “It doesn’t matter what I want. It only matters what I can do. I couldn’t make the leap the first time around. I won’t be able to now. That’s what I’ve been trying to show you. I don’t want to fail you, too. You’re too important.”

  Elliot let the last comments sink in. They didn’t add up. “Wait. What did you try? Who did you fail?”

  A veil came down over Kelly’s features, her dark eyes once again void. “No one.”

  “Don’t do that,” Elliot shouted. She couldn’t take any more blank canvases. “Who did you fail? Your mom? Your dad? I don’t get it.”

  “Leave this alone,” Kelly warned, with a fake calmness that struck her as familiar, too familiar when paired with the overly polite tone she’d heard from Beth and Rory when they both stopped short of saying something. Beth and Rory. They’d both hidden something, too. All along. “What’s everyone trying to protect me from knowing?”

  “Nothing. There’s no ‘everyone.’ This is about me and my shortcomings.”

  “You and someone else. Someone you failed. It’s not just you. This is affecting my life too, now. Who did you fail?”

  “It’s not important who. Please just believe me. I’ve been here before. This exact same conversation about futures and doing what’s right.” Kelly tried to return the blame securely to herself. “I’ve made a woman I supposedly cared about lie and hide. I hurt her every time, but I couldn’t stop. I held her down for too long, and then I lost her. I won’t do the same to you. I couldn’t survive.”

 

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