by Leah Torie
The hot mugs made the day’s problems raise up on the currents of steam that swirled above the dark liquid. Now out in the open, it was impossible not to talk about them.
“I’m sorry I stuck my foot in my mouth this morning,” Jessie began.
“No, it wasn’t your fault. I’m... not doing so good.” The admission made a cold chill run through Jessie’s body. Her sister was usually so strong and resilient.
“What happened?” Why had Anna abandoned her husband and home, and run thousands of miles away back to her hometown, despite having barely visited in years?
Anna sighed, and now Jessie looked at her properly, she saw deep lines had set in since their last meeting. Anna looked haggard, despite her hair being perfectly-coiffed as ever, and her makeup being expertly applied. Wallpaper, covering cracks that ran deep.
“I don’t know how to face him.” Anna sighed, looking deflated and far older than her age.
“Richard? What did you do?”
“We’ve been married six years. And all this time, we kept hoping we could get pregnant. But we can’t. I got some discreet tests done. I can’t have children.”
Jessie’s heart burned as her sister revealed her secret. “I’m so sorry.”
Anna sniffled as tears welled in her eyes. Her fingertips turned white as she tightly gripped her coffee mug.
“I’ve let him down. I don’t even know how to tell him. He has always believed we would get our baby one day, and complete our family. But we’re not a family. We’re just a childless married couple. I’ve been waiting so long for my life as a mother to begin, and it won’t.”
Silence settled over the two sisters. Jessie didn’t know what to say.
“I’m so, so sorry, Anna. But you didn’t let him down. It’s not your fault.”
“I can’t even pass a baby store without crying.” Anna pawed at her eyes in a futile attempt to staunch the flow of tears.
“And the doctors don’t think they can do anything?” Jessie had read news stories about elderly women giving birth in some parts of the world. Surely this wasn’t impossible.
“We’ve tried everything. Spent our life savings on it. And we have nothing to show for it.”
“I wish I could fix this for you.”
Anna sighed, sadly. “Nobody can make this better, Jessie. It is what it is.”
Silence fell once more, and this time, Jessie knew it was her turn to break it.
“I don’t want to marry anyone,” she confessed, her throat tightening in a last attempt to keep the secret. “Becca set me up on this date... and I know dating isn’t the same as marrying, but one is supposed to lead to the other if it works out, and I just don’t think I’m the marrying type.”
Anna sipped her coffee and said nothing for a moment. Jessie began to wonder if she had said the wrong thing.
“Marriage is a big commitment,” Anna said at last. “But I think you’re selling yourself short by closing your heart to the possibility.”
“But I’m irresponsible. Ask anyone.”
“How’s about I ask Taylor?” Anna asked pointedly.
That gave Jessie pause. Everyone was always telling her how wrong she was about everything, but she had been looking after her daughter single-handed since she was born.
“I guess I’m not as bad as I think I am,” Jessie conceded. “But anyway, it doesn’t matter. No one will get into a relationship when they find out I have a daughter.”
“Mr. Right won’t see Taylor as an impediment. He’ll love her as his own daughter.”
Jessie laughed bitterly. “I think you’re setting the bar too high.”
Anna simply smiled and went back to her drink. Jessie dismissed the whole idea. There was no perfect man waiting to marry her. And she owed it to Taylor not to get entangled with any imperfect man.
Chapter 7
“Anna! So glad you’re here.”
Jessie stiffened. Once again, her mom wasn’t acknowledging her presence.
“Hi Mom.” Anna stepped forward with fresh flowers. Jessie moved out of the way. She knew she wasn’t wanted, there, but she would keep visiting every day until her mom finally passed.
Since Anna had arrived, they had all fallen into a daily pattern, a sort of dance where Jessie brought Anna and their mom together, then sidestepped the actual visit. When visiting hours were over, Jessie dutifully said goodbye and drove Anna back home.
“Anna, dear, how is your husband?”
Though tense at the mention of her husband, Anna still managed a smile, but Jessie knew it was forced. “He’s good, thanks, Mom.”
“You chose a good man. Your wedding day was one of the proudest days of my life.”
Anna perched on the hospital bed, and Jessie stepped out for some air. She found a quiet corner away from all the hustle and bustle, and sat on a faded plastic chair.
Habitually, she checked her phone. There was a text from Toby.
Had a great time. We should do it again.
Jessie wondered how to reply, but decided it cost nothing to be polite. She didn’t really want to go on a second date with him, but she didn’t want to ruin things for Becca. There was nothing wrong with Toby. He seemed like a perfectly nice man, but for some reason she struggled with the idea of telling him about Taylor. Was it because so many people put her down for being a single mom? Or was there something more to it?
She decided it didn’t matter. Becca’s happiness was the priority with this whole thing. And if Jessie had to agree to go on more dates with a guy she was ambivalent about, that’s what she’d do.
She replied to his message and turned her phone over so she didn’t have to think about what she was doing. It felt wrong to keep in touch with him, like she was duping him into thinking she wanted to keep dating.
Plenty of guys would date girls without thinking about this. Why should it be different for me?
She didn’t have an answer for her own question, but somehow she knew it was different.
Jessie’s phone buzzed. She told herself not to look, but then it kept buzzing. Turning it over, she saw it was Taylor’s school.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Martin?” The smug voice of an administrator who clearly assumed any parent must be married and living together made Jessie want to end the call without so much as a response.
“It’s Miss Martin. How can I help?”
The administrator took a three second pause to process this revelation. Jessie rolled her eyes. Anyone would think it was still the fifties in Oakdale.
“You need to come to the school and collect your daughter at once. Taylor got into a fight today and the principal wants to speak with you.”
Jessie’s stomach lurched. “Is Taylor okay?”
“Probably.” The administrator sounded like that didn’t interest her. Jessie pressed her lips together to avoid speaking her mind.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” When the call ended, Jessie looked around at the mushroom-colored hospital walls. She didn’t know what to do. If she went to collect Taylor from school, she would either have to take Anna with her or leave her stranded there. But she couldn’t leave Taylor. That admin woman had sounded like just the type to call social services.
Footsteps approached. Jessie looked up. Tom stopped a few feet away from her.
“Bad day?”
“Your powers of observation are amazing.” Jessie knew she was being scathing, but she was in no mood for a conversation.
“Care to share?”
She stood and put her phone away. “The school just called. My daughter is in trouble. I have to collect her. But my sister is still visiting with my mom. I can’t be in two places at once.”
“Can your sister drive?” Tom asked.
“Yes,” Jessie said with a short nod.
“Then leave her your keys, and I’ll drop you off at the school, since I’m leaving now anyway.”
Jessie hesitated. “I can’t accept a ride from you.”
�
�Why not?”
“Uh...” She didn’t have an answer.
“That’s what I thought. Give your sister your car keys and let’s go.”
Jessie sighed and gave in with a nod. He seemed to know what to do and right now that was more than Jessie could manage. She walked back to her mom’s room and put her head around the door. Anna was perched on the bed, leaning close to Mrs. Martin, who gripped Anna’s right hand with both of hers.
“Sorry to interrupt, Anna, I have to go fetch Taylor from school. Here’s my car keys.”
Anna looked from Jessie to Tom then back to Jessie. The litany of questions was evident in her slightly raised brow, but she quickly turned her expression to a smile of understanding.
“Of course. Good luck. Hope she’s okay.”
“Would it kill you to bring her to visit, sometime?” Mrs. Martin demanded.
“Sure, Mom.” Jessie smiled and nodded, agreeing with her mom for the sake of leaving faster, but she was unlikely to convince Taylor to spend more time than she had to around her crochety old grandma.
Jessie ducked back out of the doorway and almost walked into Tom.
“You have shoulders like a door,” she murmured under her breath. He cocked his head to one side, clearly wanting an explanation, but Jessie merely waved her hands, imploring him to leave the hospital.
She wondered what sort of car he drove. He seemed practical, and probably not very well-off. Maybe one of those cheap Asian cars, was it a Kyundai? Or a Tia? Were they even real car brands? She wasn’t sure. Cars weren’t Jessie’s strong point but she knew when a car or truck looked good.
“I’m parked out here.” He stepped out onto the crosswalk and led the way through rows of cars. When he stopped between a Prius and an Audi sports car, Jessie felt disappointment. Sure, there was nothing wrong with Priuses. In fact, some people thought they were the greatest car ever, but she didn’t think it suited him.
He pulled the keys out and pressed the button. Lights flashed. Jessie’s jaw dropped.
“This is yours?” She stared at the shiny silver Audi with its sleek lines. It was a thing of beauty.
“Yeah.” Did he look... embarrassed? “It’s a bit of a boy’s toy, I guess. Not so practical.”
“What doesn’t it do?” she asked.
He was silent for a moment and Jessie sensed there was something he wasn’t saying.
“It doesn’t fit my skis in the trunk,” he ventured.
She giggled. “And how often do you go skiing?”
“Every winter I go to Aspen and take in the beautiful Colorado mountain views. Can’t beat it.”
“I’ve never been skiing. More of a horse person.”
“Yeah, it’s a bit tricky to fit them into the ski lifts.” He said it deadpan, which made Jessie explode with giggles at the mental image.
“Ah, that’s why you can’t take a horse skiing. I thought it was because it was so hard to find their size of ski boots.”
Now it was his turn to chuckle, although Jessie knew her statement had been less funny than his. He opened the passenger door and held it for Jessie.
“Mademoiselle,” he said, in a mock-French accent. She smiled, and tried to remember the last time anyone had opened a door for her. Probably not since she was a kid. A warm, fuzzy feeling spread through her chest. It was gone in a moment, but long after Jessie had sat down and buckled her safety belt, an echo of the feeling lingered.
Before that instant, Jessie hadn’t known what she was lacking. She had never known fullness of heart, so had no idea she’d been going through life empty and waiting for something she couldn’t recognize. That fleeting sensation had changed her forever.
More immediately, Jessie realized she had a problem. She now had to spend twenty minutes in a car with someone who she might have feelings for.
Get it together, Jessie, anyone would think you were a teenager, she scolded herself. Tom started the engine. It was quiet and understated. The complete opposite of Jessie’s jeep. He threw it into reverse and eased out of the parking bay.
Once they were on the main road, they managed to hit every red light between the hospital and Taylor’s school. After the third one, Tom looked over at Jessie with mild exasperation.
“Would you mind if I put on the radio?”
“Sure.” She didn’t know why he was asking her. After all, it was his car.
He turned the dial and the sound of classical music reminded Jessie of her bank’s hold music. She guessed she had spent hours listening to that over the years while she was waiting to talk to customer services. Half-expecting a computer voiceover to say, “Valued customer, you are fourth in the line. Please continue to hold,” Jessie zoned out a little and let the scenery wash over her. The sun shone almost constantly, here, and sometimes when Jessie was sad, all she needed to do was go outside into the warm glow.
“Jessie? Jessie?” Tom’s voice broke into her tranquil musings.
“Huh?”
“Did you hear anything I said?”
She let out her breath slowly, trying not to sound like she was in a huff. “No. Sorry. Could you repeat it, please?”
“Is Taylor sick? I can call my doctor if you need to get her seen today.”
Jessie shook her head. “That’s very kind, but she’s not sick.”
Tom was silent and Jessie felt compelled to explain.
“She got into some trouble. I guess I’ll find out how much when I arrive.”
“I’ll come in with you.”
“Are you a lawyer or something?” Jessie realized she had no idea what Tom did for a living. He looked like a lawyer. One of those traditional ones, who dealt with nice things like giving orphans large inheritances. He didn’t look harassed enough to be a divorce attorney and he definitely had the wrong car to be an environmental lawyer.
“I studied law after college, but I don’t practice.”
Bingo. “That explains why you never look stressed or tired.”
“Don’t I?” The way he asked the question implied Jessie had missed some clue that his life was less than perfect. With a gasp she realized she had.
“I’m sorry, that was thoughtless of me. You obviously don’t hang around at the hospital for no reason.” He’d even told her who he was visiting, last time they’d bumped into each other. Jessie felt selfish and rude as she tried to remember. “Your dad, wasn’t it?”
“My father. Yes.”
“Father. Dad. What’s the difference?”
“He never played ball with me as a kid.”
Silence fell. In that short sentence, Tom had somehow managed to convey all the hurt, loneliness and longing of his childhood. Jessie pictured Tom as a little boy, lost in a big house, his mom busy with her friends; his dad locked away in an office taking business calls on a Sunday afternoon. It hurt her heart, and she had to turn her head, pretending to be interested in something out of the window, to hide the tears. Why did it make her so sad? She compared it to her own childhood. An overbearing, critical mom for whom nothing was ever good enough. Had they both craved their parents’ love as children?
The common ground made Jessie realize she and Tom weren’t as different as she’d originally thought.
Her phone beeped and she checked it. Toby’s name flashed up on the screen and Jessie’s stomach lurched. This was fast becoming complicated.
Chapter 8
Sitting outside the principal’s office on a hard wooden chair, the apprehension in Jessie’s chest made her feel as though she were the one in trouble. She remembered being left to stew in a similar spot at her own schools. Regularly, she’d been summoned to explain herself, apologize, or simply to hear how she was to be punished. The very worst incidents were the ones where her mom would be waiting for her in the office. Now, Jessie realized how nerve-racking that must have been for her mom, too, although the older woman had never showed it. They were very definitely different generations.
Fix your makeup girl... A strain of a song came to mind. Sh
e changed the final line of the chorus to, “it’s not my mother’s meeting with the principal,” then she giggled at the irreverence of it.
“What’s so funny?” Tom whispered. Even he seemed a little intimidated sitting outside the principal’s office. He’d been so quiet Jessie had almost forgotten he was there at all.
“Oh, nothing. Just a thought.”
He pulled out his phone and checked it. A little flash of curiosity left Jessie wondering why she cared about who he was talking to. Maybe it was because she had only seen him with his mom.
“Does she live with you?” she asked. He looked up and put his phone back in his pocket.
“Who?”
“Your mom.”
He grinned awkwardly. “She would like to.”
“Do you ever get a day off?”
“I have one now, don’t I?”
Jessie shook her head. “You just went to see your dad. You’re always caring for your parents.”
“Honor thy father and thy mother,” he countered. “You’re no stranger to the hospital’s visiting hours, yourself.”
She nodded. “My mom doesn’t have long left. She doesn’t seem to want me around, but I go anyway. Maybe she’ll change her mind and finally miss me after she dies.” Unusually, grief for things that hadn’t happened yet suddenly strangled Jessie. Her throat tightened painfully and her eyes began to swell, accompanied by pressure in her nose. She covered her eyes with the back of her hand and tried to blot out the sorrow.
This was the worst possible moment to be hit with the dead weight of the future, but she couldn’t seem to derail her thoughts. One day soon, her mom would die. Jessie would likely not be there when it happened, because those visiting hours were too short. Why did hospitals think they could dictate how much time loved ones could spend at their relatives’ bedsides? It was horrible. If Anna was still in Oakdale, the two sisters would hurry to the hospital... and then what? Would there just be an empty bed?
Jessie remembered when her grandfather had died. It had been so sudden, the first time she’d seen him after his death had been in the open casket at the funeral. A dark wooden coffin. Then they lowered him into the ground. As a six-year-old, Jessie hadn’t been able to fully comprehend that he was in the ground, and at the same time, gone forever. She had tried to send him her favorite bear at Christmas, so he wouldn’t be lonely.
