by Leah Torie
She disappeared for a couple of minutes, and when she returned, she was scowling.
“Their delivery driver has quit.”
“So how were they expecting the food to reach us?”
“It’s collection only.” Anna shrugged like this was only partly unreasonable.
“Won’t it be cold by now?”
“I guess we’ll find out when we get there.”
Jessie sighed. “I’ll get my coat.”
The pizza place was busy when Jessie arrived, and she had to park around the corner.
“Do you remember what you ordered?” she asked Anna, who nodded. They got out, and Jessie locked the car. “Taylor, hold my hand.”
They joined the line which nearly went out of the door.
“Boy, we sure picked the wrong night to order pizza,” Anna remarked. “Seems like half the town is here tonight.”
Jessie scanned the room and almost left again when she saw Bibbi on the arm of a tall man with a hooked nose and hooded eyes. Trying to think the best of her friend, Jessie took a deep breath and smiled when Bibbi walked by.
“Oh, hey, Jessie. This is my date. Doctor Michaels.”
Jessie’s smile became fixed. “Pleased to meet you.”
His eyes raked over Jessie’s body, and she pulled her coat tighter across her chest for protection.
“The pleasure’s all mine,” he murmured and turned to follow Bibbi out of the door.
Jessie turned to Anna, slightly shocked. “Did you see that?”
“Saw and heard. Grade A creeper, right there.”
Relief surged through Jessie’s stomach. At least she hadn’t over-reacted. Nearby, a couple of old ladies—regulars at Bibbi’s salon—were casting disapproving glances at the door while it swung shut.
“She must be desperate,” one old lady said.
The other one just nodded slowly, giving her friend a look of agreement.
Jessie felt sorry for Bibbi; she knew how horrible it was to be the subject of the town’s gossip.
Finally, when they got to the front of the line, Anna explained the situation and they got their food. Jessie didn’t say anything else about Bibbi and Anna didn’t bring the topic up.
“Mom?” Taylor stood in the entrance to the stables. Jessie put down the bale of hay she was carrying and moved closer.
“Yes, honey?”
“When is homeschooling going to start?”
Jessie frowned. “What do you mean? It has started.”
Taylor shook her head. “But I haven’t done any school work since I left school and that was weeks ago.”
“Here, come and help me take care of the horses.”
“See? It’s always things like this instead of spelling or math.”
“Don’t you like the horses?” Jessie was surprised. What sort of kid wanted to sit doing letters and numbers instead of spending the day with horses?
“Sure, I do, Mama, but there’s other things I have to learn, too.”
Jessie chuckled. “Did you get this idea from Aunt Anna?”
“No. It was on the television. This man was saying about how children nowadays don’t learn enough. And I think he might be right.”
Jessie shook her head, still smiling. “That’s just his opinion, sweetheart.”
“But I want to learn proper things. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
“Oh. Uh... okay.” Jessie had no answer for that. Had Taylor mentioned this dream before? How serious was it? Would she change her mind when she found out how much the tuition would cost? Okay, the money question was far into the future. “Do you want to do more math?”
Taylor nodded. “Yes, please.”
“Okay, hon, after I’ve finished cleaning out the horses, we will go into my office and practice some counting questions together.” Jessie told herself Taylor had at over a decade to decide what she wanted to do with her life, she could change her mind two hundred times between now and then. But she knew she really ought to start taking homeschooling more seriously and give Taylor some real lessons.
That afternoon, Jessie took Taylor with her to the hospital. Before she reached her mom’s room, a nurse stopped her in the corridor.
“Miss Martin?”
Jessie nodded. “That’s me.”
“I’m Nurse Alberta. May I speak to you about Mrs. Martin?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Come in here where we can have a conversation. Your daughter can wait over there.” Nurse Alberta waved a hand at some cheap-looking, faded orange plastic chairs with metal legs.
“I’ll see you in a minute, sweetheart.” Jessie smiled encouragingly at Taylor, then she followed the nurse into the room.
“Take a seat.”
It was a room which only contained three seats and a low table. A box of tissues sat on the table. This room had no doubt seen a lot of bad news.
“Is my mom okay?” Jessie’s fear spiked and she didn’t know how to handle it. What if her mother had died since her last visit? Wait, surely they would have called her immediately.
“She had a stroke about an hour ago. I tried to call you, but no one picked up.”
“I was out taking care of my horses.” Even as she spoke, Jessie wondered where Anna had been. “How bad is it?” She hadn’t been able to find Anna before she left for the hospital, so she hadn’t brought her along.
“Truth is, we don’t know. She’s on a ventilator right now. Unconscious. We haven’t been able to assess any further than that, but given the advanced stage of her cancer, it would be wise for you to say your goodbyes.”
Jessie felt sick and dizzy. She had known this day was coming for months, but that didn’t make it any easier.
Chapter 13
“I have to call my sister.” Jessie pulled out her phone and dialed Anna.
“Hello?” a man’s voice answered. Why did this keep happening? At least it wasn’t Tom, this time.
“Anna?”
“She’s not here.”
Jessie’s eyes widened as she realized what had happened. “Richard?”
“Who is this?” He sounded harassed. Jessie didn’t blame him. How many weeks had Anna been with her, now?
“It’s Jessie. Anna’s sister. Listen, she’s been staying with me lately, and I can’t find her. I need to tell her that Mom is running out of time. Anna needs to get to the hospital.”
“That’s awful. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I don’t know what’s going on with Anna...”
“But she’ll need you. Yeah.” Jessie said goodbye and wondered if she’d just gone too far. She had meddled in her sister’s relationship, which could be disastrous. But Anna was going to need her husband by her side when their mom died.
Taking a deep breath, Jessie scrolled through her contacts until she found Anna’s cellphone number, and called her.
“Hey, sis,” Anna greeted her, sounding content. Jessie hated that she was going to have to break that happiness.
“Can you get to the hospital... like, call a cab or something?” Jessie asked.
“Is it Mom?”
“Yeah. She’s not doing so good. You need to get here as soon as you can.” Jessie ended the call without saying goodbye, to give Anna time to call a ride. A frost was seeping into Jessie’s bones, and her hands shook a little. She went out and sat by Taylor.
“What’s the matter, Mama?”
Jessie didn’t want to have to tell Taylor the news, but there was no one there to do it for her. She took a deep breath.
“Grandma’s gotten worse, today...” Slowly, she explained what had happened, trying to use words Taylor would understand.
Steeling herself, Jessie held Taylor’s hand a little tighter than usual, and they went into the hospital room. She wasn’t sure whether she ought to have kept Taylor out of the way, but it would be good for her to get a chance to say goodbye to her grandmother, and vice versa.
Mrs. Martin was intubated and on a breathing machine. Her skin was pallid and gray, e
yes looking reptilian without eyelashes or brows. A heartrate monitor beeped and the fluorescent light flickering on the ceiling cast the room in a gloomy yellow light. Jessie had to catch her breath. Stay strong for Taylor. She pressed her lips together tight.
“Mom?” Jessie’s voice broke as she said the word.
Her mother’s eyes were closed and Jessie didn’t know if she was avoiding a conversation, asleep, or unconscious.
“Gramma?” Taylor’s plaintive voice didn’t rouse Mrs. Martin. The reality hit Jessie like a brick. Her mom was dying. Her mom, who had always fought her long illness with acid remarks and dark looks, had lost the fight.
Anna arrived at the hospital in fifteen minutes. Jessie had been sitting by her mom’s bed the whole time, holding the hand that didn’t have a cannula going into it. Taylor was cross-legged on the floor.
“I came as soon as I could.” Anna’s perfume filled the room and stuck in Jessie’s nose. Even the bright coat Anna had bought two days ago seemed garish, now. Inappropriate. It was time for somber colors. Black, like Jessie’s mood.
“She hasn’t opened her eyes the whole time I’ve been here.” Jessie let go of her mom’s hand and stood up, to let Anna have a moment with Mrs. Martin.
“Have you called Luce?” Anna asked.
Jessie blew out air. “No.”
“I’m with mom right now, why don’t you take a minute to call her?”
Anna made it sound so simple, like the years of distance would melt away and Lucinda would talk to Jessie and everything would be just like old times. Except, it wouldn’t.
“We can’t go back to the way we were. Even if she comes, what do you think we’ll do? Sit eating popcorn and having a movie night after mom’s funeral?”
Funeral. The word resonated with a clang in the small room.
“May I come in?” A man pushed the door open and Jessie took in his attire. He held a Bible.
“We don’t need a God-botherer,” Jessie snapped.
Anna gasped in shock, which only made Jessie angrier.
“Mom would want—” Anna began.
“I’m done hearing what she would want! She never cared about what I wanted. Why am I even here?” Jessie stormed out. She knew she was out of line. In front of Taylor, too. It was just too much. Her mom couldn’t just die like this. It wasn’t fair.
She ran down the corridor until she reached an open door which led outside. Instead of taking her to the parking lot, however, this seemed to be a little square between four hallways. Someone had planted it with a cornucopia of different flowers, and a small water feature bubbled away in the center of the square, opposite a bench. Jessie didn’t want to double back. The idea of going inside the hospital again right now was too much to take, so she sat on the bench and let her tears fall.
The colorful plants rustled and swished in a mild breeze. The air felt clean out here, not tarnished by air conditioning or car fumes. It reminded Jessie of those adverts for shampoo that seemed to imply all women had bathrooms that transported them to Hawaii.
The scent of the frangipani was soothing.
The noise in Jessie’s mind faded away, but the sorrow in her heart perpetuated. Only one thought circulated around and around.
“How can you take my mother? Taylor’s grandmother?” Jessie demanded, crying harder.
She didn’t really expect an answer, but just speaking the problem out loud made her feel better.
If you’re asking the question, you aren’t lost. The thought just came to her, out of nowhere. Jessie frowned, unsure if that was her own thoughts or something deeper.
“Why?” she tried asking.
Nobody tries to talk to God unless they believe in him.
The profoundness of that statement surprised her.
“I lost faith when He abandoned me.”
Did He really? Or did you lose faith in God’s plan?
Jessie thought about it. Had all the things that had happened to her been because God had forgotten about her or because He had a plan and she hadn’t trusted Him?
“This is ridiculous.” She got up and went back inside, wanting to shrug off the feeling that something had just touched her soul. It was too big. Too hard to process, and she just didn’t have the resources right now.
She almost walked headfirst into Tom, who was walking along the hallway looking at his phone.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She scrunched her eyes up and tried to clear the brain fog that was making it impossible to find the right words.
“Are you okay?” He looked down at her with concern. It was too much. Before she could tell him she was fine, the emotions swelled into her chest like crashing waves wrecking a ship, and as her calm exterior fell apart, she broke down again.
“My mom’s going to die today,” she whispered. Even saying the words was too hard, and her throat ached as it constricted to stop her speaking, as if it thought that would make the events go away.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Come and get a coffee. Is Taylor here?”
“She’s with Anna and my mom.”
“Then you can come with me and take a break.” He took her hand. Warmth rushed up her arm and shot to her heart, soothing the pain a little. Leading the way, he brought her to the vending machine where they’d had a conversation what seemed like a lifetime ago.
She sat on a plastic chair and stared at the vinyl floor tiles.
“Coffee.” He was holding a plastic cup. Jessie narrowed her eyes at it in confusion. Had she zoned out?
“That was fast.”
His brows knitted together in concern and he looked deeply into her eyes. “When did you last sleep?”
She frowned, trying to figure out what that had to do with the speed at which the coffee had arrived. “Last night, I guess.”
“It must be the shock, then.”
“I thought everything was normal until I got here and a nurse told me my mom had deteriorated.”
He nodded. “You haven’t had time to process it properly.”
“And now I have to do all the thinking for the family. Like, Anna can’t just make a phone call to Lucinda—that’s my other sister—and Anna didn’t answer the phone earlier today, so no one was here with my mom. She’s so irresponsible!”
“Don’t blame Anna. Your mom was going to go anyway. That’s why she’s been in hospital. This is not the time to hold onto things other people did or didn’t do. That’s how families fall apart, and you need yours more than ever just now.”
He was right, Jessie knew it, but it didn’t seem fair that Anna had gotten all her mom’s affection, and had done none of the hard work.
“I was here visiting my mom every day for two years,” Jessie whispered.
“I know.”
“It feels like it was all for nothing. She didn’t want me here and I couldn’t make her better.”
“Why did you do it?”
The question confused Jessie and she glanced up at Tom, seeking more explanation. It didn’t come.
“I don’t understand,” she said at last.
“It’s a simple enough question. Why did you visit her every day?”
Jessie frowned, thinking the answer was obvious. “She’s my mom.”
“And...?”
“I didn’t want her to feel alone.”
“What did that have to do with making her better? Or whether she wanted to see you?”
“Nothing, I guess.”
“So you visited her to keep her company, and you’re upset because that didn’t heal her or make her love you more. But as you’ve just told me, none of those things are connected. Did you wake up any day in the past two years thinking, “I’m going to go to the hospital and sit beside my mom and somehow that will cure her cancer?””
Jessie shook her head.
“Then how can you be frustrated with the result?”
Jessie knew he was right but she didn’t like what he was saying right now, so instead of agreeing with him, she snapped, “Oh, shut
up, what do you know? Your father’s just fine!”
As soon as she said the words, she knew she’d gone too far.
“He died a week ago.”
The words made the bottom drop out of her stomach.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” For some reason that was the thing that made her grief spill over again. Tom’s eyes had darkened, and he was clearly trying to rein in his own emotions.
“His funeral is tomorrow.”
Jessie felt like a terrible person. She had been so wrapped up in her own problems and what was wrong with her life that she hadn’t taken any interest in the fact Tom had been coming to the hospital every day for years, too.
“Wait. Why are you here now?” If his father had died a week ago, surely he had no reason to be at the hospital during visiting hours?
He took her hand in his and the electricity between them made Jessie gasp.
“I’m here for you.”
“How did you know?” She looked up into his eyes and saw they glittered with tears.
“Anna called me on her way here.”
Jessie shook her head. Anna had seemed so self-centered today, it was so hard to believe she’d been thinking of Jessie the whole time. Jessie felt like she’d never been so wrong about so many different people on one day in her whole life.
“I didn’t know.”
“You need to stay strong. This is the beginning of the hardest week of your life.”
The fact he spoke from experience made Jessie feel guilty that he was here instead of at home mourning his father.
“Go home, Tom. I’ll be fine.” She tried to reassure him.
“No.” He sounded almost defiant. It was a side of him she hadn’t seen before.
“Please. I’d feel awful taking you away from your own problems.”
“Jessie, you’re my problem. I mean, your problems are my problems. And we’re stronger together.”
Jessie felt like she was standing on the edge of everything she had ever known, watching it fall away, but with him here, she saw something new sprouting through the chaos and destruction.
“You’re here for me?” She couldn’t quite believe it.
“Well, I also like the vending machine lunches...”
