by Pamela Clare
But Grandpa Red Crow's smile didn't falter. "He is far from himself and no longer knows what he wants. You must help him."
"I'm not going with you?"
"No." Grandpa Red Crow's brown eyes twinkled, as if the thought of sending her away didn't bother him. "You must do what I asked you to do. It will be the fight of your life. Be strong, Kimimila."
Kat opened her eyes, the grief she felt as Grandpa Red Crow vanished from her dream bringing her awake. Or was she still dreaming? She didn't recognize this place.
Murmuring voices. Something that beeped. A quiet hissing sound.
It was the IV bag hanging above her bed that told her she was in a hospital.
Why was she in a hospital? She tried to remember, tried to remember--and then it came to her. She'd gotten very sick. She'd woken up in Gabe's room, and she'd been very sick. She'd gotten out of bed to get some aspirin and ...
He must have brought her here.
The moments passed slowly, and gradually things around her began to make sense. There was an oxygen mask covering her nose and mouth. That's what made the hissing sound. The murmur of voices was nurses talking at a nearby workstation. The beeping came from a monitor that was connected by wires to electrodes on her chest.
She felt something move near her hip and looked down to find Gabe, asleep, his head resting beside her on the bed. He looked exhausted, dark circles beneath his eyes, his hair rumpled, his jaw unshaven. She reached toward him.
Just because we've fooled around a little doesn't mean you can pry into my life!
She hesitated, drew her hand back, the argument they'd had after he'd found her with the photo album coming back to her with painful clarity, stopping her short. He didn't want her. He wanted Chief Irving to put her in a safe house so he wouldn't have to deal with her any longer.
He is far from himself and no longer knows what he wants. Grandpa Red Crow's voice echoed in her mind--a voice from a dream. And she decided that Grandpa was right. If Gabe didn't want to be near her, why had he fallen asleep watching over her?
She reached out again, ran her fingers softly over his hair. He gave a jerk. Then his head snapped up. He met her gaze, and for a moment he looked confused.
"Kat?" He sat upright, took her hand in his, a look of naked relief spreading over his face. "You're awake. Oh, thank God! How do you feel, honey?"
She had to think about that for a moment. "Tired. Sore."
"I bet." He kissed her fingers. "Do you remember my name?"
"Gabe Rossiter." Why had he asked her that? She pushed the oxygen mask aside, not liking the way it muffled her words. "You silly goat. How could being sick make me forget your name?"
He settled the oxygen mask in place again. "You weren't sick, honey--at least not with a disease. You had carbon monoxide poisoning. Someone almost killed you. Someone almost killed both of us."
That's when she noticed the IV in the back of his right hand and the hospital bracelet around his wrist.
"Wh-what happened?"
CHAPTER 22
"HE CARRIED YOU out. Did he tell you that?" Sophie sat in the chair next to Kat's hospital bed, Tessa standing beside her, Holly sitting near Kat's feet. Matt stood alone in the corner, looking distracted, his wrinkled blue shirt hanging out of his pants in back.
"Gabe said he got me out of the house, but he didn't say how. I guess he would've had to carry me if I was unconscious." Kat hadn't thought of that.
Then again, this whole thing was surreal. She still had a hard time believing that she'd almost died, that she had, in fact, quit breathing, that her heart had almost stopped beating. But the truth of it was written on her body. Her breastbone was so sore where they'd done chest compressions that it hurt to breathe. Her muscles felt as if she'd been to a gym, and she still had a dull headache--both left over from the carbon monoxide.
Holding her hand, Gabe had told her how he'd woken up feeling sick, had seen her lying on the floor and had realized they were both dying of carbon monoxide poisoning just in time to get the two of them out of the house. "When I came to, I saw them trying to revive you, and I thought ... I should have kept you safe. I'm sorry."
The remorse on his face had told Kat how sorry he was. She'd given his hand a squeeze. "It's not your fault. How could you have known? Please don't blame yourself. Besides, we're both still alive, aren't we?"
His words and his tenderness in that first hour after she'd regained consciousness had touched her so deeply that she'd forgotten about their argument and the things he'd said. Then a doctor had come in to examine her and had ordered Gabe back to his own room. She'd seen Gabe once since then. Shortly after she'd been transferred out of ICU, he'd come to her hospital room wearing his own clothes to tell her he'd been discharged.
"I'm going to meet with Chief Irving to work out where we can put you to keep you safe." His face had been expressionless, the concern and tenderness he'd shown earlier gone. "I'll be back this afternoon."
Then he'd turned and walked away. He hadn't even kissed her.
That's when she'd remembered.
In the morning, I'll call Chief Irving and ask him to move you to a police safe house. I think it would be best.
And she'd felt so confused. How could he care enough about her to hold her hand, to kiss her cheek, to sit by her hospital bed for hours when he ought to have been in bed himself and yet still want to be apart from her? Not that she could stay at his house, not when the person who wanted her dead knew she was there. But that didn't mean they had to be apart. Then again, it was perhaps safer for him to be nowhere near her.
This was the second time he'd almost been killed while trying to protect her.
She'd found it hard to sleep after that, her thoughts on the man who cared about her but couldn't seem to love her.
Natalie had arrived just after noon. She was covering the story and had needed to interview Kat. Tessa and Sophie had come together as soon as Sophie had gotten off work, while Holly and Matt had each driven separately. Kara's kids were sick with strep throat, so she'd sent a card and flowers but hadn't been able to come in person. Their kindness and concern lifted Kat's spirits more than they could know.
Sophie stood and arched her lower back, rubbing it, as if it ached. "Mike and Troy--the two cops who were watching Gabe's place--told Marc they heard the shots, called for backup, and were running toward the house with their guns drawn, when Gabe stumbled out of the front door and collapsed on his front porch with you in his arms. They thought you'd both been shot. Troy said Gabe tried to fight off the paramedics to get to you. They had to sedate him."
Kat hadn't heard any of this.
"God, that's so romantic!" Holly gave a dreamy sigh. "I want some hot guy to carry me in his arms and rescue me!"
"Do you?" Tessa asked sweetly. "You should ask Kat whether she found it romantic, because before the rescuing bit came the part where someone nearly killed her--or did you miss that?"
"Sometimes you say the stupidest things, Holly." Matt shook his head, then crossed the room and gave Kat a kiss on the cheek. "I'm really glad you're okay. I think I'm going to head home."
Everyone stared at Matt in surprise, Holly's cheeks flushing pink. It wasn't like him to say anything sharp. Kat suspected he hadn't stopped blaming himself for the city finance director's suicide.
She took his hand, gave it a squeeze. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"Yeah," he said. Then he walked out the door.
An awkward silence filled the room.
Seeing the hurt Holly was attempting to hide, Kat tried to reassure her. "I wasn't upset by what you said, Holly. I know what you meant. Matt has his own troubles right now. I don't think he would have said that to you otherwise."
Holly gave a shrug. "I suppose what I said was pretty stupid. You did just almost die. It's just that ... All of you have met men who really love you, who would do anything for you, even risk their lives. The men I meet only want one thing. They wouldn't risk anything for me."
It was without a doubt the most honest thing Kat had ever heard Holly say, and for a moment Holly looked like she might cry.
Tessa walked over to Holly, put her arm around her shoulders. "You'll find him one of these days, girl. You just need to stop trying so hard."
"And let's hope that when you do find him, you're not in need of rescuing." Sophie glanced at Kat and smiled. "There are other ways to test a man's love."
"Gabe doesn't love me." The words were out before Kat knew she'd spoken. She hesitated, not used to talking about her personal life with others. "He ... He cares about me. I know that. But he doesn't love me."
Her three friends looked at her as if she'd just spoken in Dine, perplexed expressions their faces.
Sophie frowned. "Why do you say that? From what Marc and I have seen, Gabe is head over heels for you."
Kat was about to speak when Holly cut in. "I thought you two were lovers. Are you still a virgin?"
Tessa shot Holly an irritated glance and went on as if Holly had never spoken. "For goodness sake, the man has almost gotten himself killed twice trying to keep you safe. Do you think a man would do that for just any woman?"
Kat understood the point they were trying to make. It was the same thing she'd told herself so often these past few days. "I know he cares about me. When I woke up, he was sitting beside me, asleep. He seemed so worried. But then, after he was discharged, he was like a different man. He seemed so ... distant."
Sophie gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "That's just him being a man. Trust me. He's crazy about you, even if he doesn't know it yet."
"I wish I could believe that." Tears pricked Kat's eyes, catching her by surprise. "Before I got sick yesterday, I upset him, and h-he said some things ... He made it clear that he didn't want to be around me any longer. I was--"
Holly gave a little gasp, her eyes going wide.
And there just inside the doorway stood Gabe.
Kat saw the unreadable expression on his face, and knew he'd overheard her talking about him.
He met her gaze. "I didn't realize you had visitors. I'll wait out in the hall."
"No need. We were just about to leave." Sophie picked up her purse, leaned over, and gave Kat a hug. "Feel better, okay? And stay safe. Call me on my cell phone any time. If there's any way Marc and I can help, you know we will."
"Okay. Ahehee'. Thank you, and thanks to Marc, too."
Then Sophie stood on her tiptoes and kissed Gabe on the cheek. "I'm so grateful you and Kat are both okay, Gabe. And thank you."
Gabe looked startled. "You're welcome."
Tessa and Holly followed, each giving Kat a hug and thanking Gabe for all he'd done. And then Kat was alone with him.
He stood at the window still wearing his parka, his back to her, his hands thrust in the pockets of his jeans. Even without seeing his face, she could tell he was angry. Something about his posture radiated tension.
"I ... I'm sorry, Gabe." She sought for the right words, certain she'd widened the rift between them. "I shouldn't have been talking about you like that. I don't usually ... I'm not sure why I--"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT it." Gabe heard the fear in Kat's voice, the sound of it adding regret to the emotions that already churned in his gut. "After all you've been through, you needed to talk to someone."
Besides, after what he'd said to her, he deserved it. He'd hoped she had no memory of yesterday afternoon, that she'd forgotten it. Clearly, she hadn't. And that meant he needed to apologize. More than that, he needed to keep his promise to himself.
He needed to tell her.
He turned, saw the uncertainty in her eyes. She looked fragile, vulnerable, an IV in the back of her left hand, her face pale, her hair tangled around her shoulders. He crossed the room, shrugged off his coat, and sat down beside the bed, fighting the urge to hold her hand. "How are you feeling?"
You're afucking coward, Rossiter.
Yeah, he was.
He'd sworn to himself that if she lived, he would tell her how Jill had died. She had asked, and she deserved to know. Not that it would change anything between them, but at least then she'd understand that the problem wasn't her. It was him.
Something inside him was broken, and he didn't know how to fix it.
The truth was that he did care about Kat. The past twenty-four hours had made him face that fact. He cared about her, wanted her, needed her more than he'd needed anyone in three long years. And he didn't know what the hell to do about it.
"I'm better. Thank you. How about you?" She unconsciously rubbed her breastbone, and he knew the paramedics had left her bruised and sore.
"I'm fine."
Her gaze searched his. "And you're sure you're not angry?"
Oh, he was angry all right--but not with her. He was angry with the goddamned son of a bitch who'd packed his flue with leaves and almost killed her, angry enough to want to hunt the fucker down and blow his head off. And he was angry with himself for having hurt her. "Yeah, I'm sure."
Tell her!
She seemed to relax, her guileless eyes still wide and searching. Then she reached up to run a hand over his jaw, her fingers sliding through the hair at his temple. "You shaved. And your hair is damp."
He nodded. "I went home and took a shower. They gave me a police escort. It's strange taking a shower when your house is full of cops."
Why not talk about the weather while you're at it, dumbshit?
She looked away from him, a troubled expression on her face. "Gabe, I... I'm sorry I looked through your photo album. I didn't mean--"
He pressed his fingers against her lips. "Shhh. Don't. I'm the one who needs to apologize, not you."
She met his gaze, confusion in her eyes.
"I said things I shouldn't have said, things I didn't mean, and I'm sorry. I was way out of line. I left the damned photo album under the couch. I know you weren't snooping. If I tripped over a photo album with pictures of your life growing up on the rez, I'd probably look through it, too."
Find your balls and tell her, Rossiter.
"I'm sorry you lost her."
It was now or never. "You asked about Jill. You asked how she died."
Kat shook her head, her fingers closing around his. "You don't need to--"
"Yes. I do." He drew his hand away, stood, and turned back toward the window, unable to take the sympathy in Kat's eyes, hating how exposed it made him feel. "We met on a climbing trip to Yosemite. She'd driven from Moab with a couple of girlfriends. I'd come with my best friend from high school. His name was ... Wade."
How long had it been since he'd spoken that name aloud?
"Jill was funny and sexy and one hell of a climber. Wade and I ended up hanging at Camp Four with them and a bunch of other Yosemite regulars that first night. He hooked up with one of her friends and went off to fuck in the forest, and I headed back to our camp alone. I was almost asleep when Jill crawled into my tent and, well ..."
Jill had blown his mind, shimmying out of her jeans and hoodie, unzipping his sleeping bag and going down on him without a word. She'd climbed on top of him as soon as he was hard, getting them both off in under two minutes. It had been animal sex at its best. But Kat didn't need the details.
"She moved to Boulder a month later, and soon we were living together."
That had been a wild time, every day an adventure. Everything had seemed perfect. He'd had a job he loved, a woman he loved, a group of close friends--and all of the action he could handle, both outdoors and in the sack. But it had all been a lie.
"You must have loved her very much."
Gabe nodded. "Every guy who climbs fantasizes about meeting a woman who loves the sport as much as he does. Rock climbing, alpine climbing, ice climbing, rafting, mountain biking, skiing--Jill loved it all, and she was good at it."
Somehow he'd reached the window again. He stared out at the darkness, willing himself to stay numb. He hadn't talked to anyone about Jill since her funeral, and he wasn't sure he could handle losing it
again like he'd done in the sweat lodge.
"We'd been living together for a couple years when I asked her to marry me. I took her to her favorite rooftop restaurant, surprised her with a one-carat diamond ring, got down on one knee--the whole thing. She said yes. I was on top of the world."
He could still remember how the setting sun had turned the sky over the Foothills pink, how Jill's eyes had misted up, how everyone in the restaurant had applauded when she'd said yes. It had been another perfect moment in his perfect life.
"She wanted a fall wedding in the mountains when the aspens were gold. I liked that idea. She wanted a honeymoon in the Himalayas the following spring. That was cool with me, too. She wanted me to get a vasectomy so that she could go off the pill. I wasn't too excited about that. Putting my nuts to the knife had never been part of my plan, but when you love someone ... She didn't want kids because pregnancy would interfere with climbing."
"About six weeks before the wedding ...' Suddenly he found it all but impossible to speak, his control cracking, the abyss inside him yawning wide, three years of pain, of grief, of rage roiling inside his chest, threatening to tear a hole right through him. He'd known where telling this story would lead him, but still the raw hurt astonished him. He forced breath into constricted lungs, willed himself to go on. "About six weeks ..."
Kat heard Gabe's voice break, saw his hands clench into fists, and her throat grew tight. Ignoring her dizziness and the soreness in her chest, she slid out of bed and wrapped the extra blanket the nurse had given her around her shoulders for modesty's sake, then crossed the cold tile floor one unsteady step at a time, pulling her IV pole along with her. She stopped behind him, hesitated for a moment, then rested her palm against the middle of his back, offering what little support she could.
He stiffened, but he didn't draw away. Then he turned his head and looked back at her, his brows drawn together in a frown. "You shouldn't be out of bed."
"Don't worry about me."
"You almost died, Kat. Don't be ridiculous." He sounded irritated, but his actions were gentle as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and guided her back to bed, holding her IV line clear while she settled beneath the sheets. "There you go."
