I nodded, stepping closer. ‘Of course. It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s none of my business.’
‘I … ah, better take Penny out back to give her a drink …’
She started up the front stairs, attention on the ground.
‘Hannah. Please. I …’
But she had gone inside the house.
I kicked the railing. ‘Fuck it.’
I gave it a minute, two, then I went inside after her. She was standing at the back door, staring out at the yard. I pressed my hand to her shoulder. ‘Hannah.’
She spun to face me, palming tears from her cheeks. My stomach sank. She didn’t look at me. I needed her to see that I was sorry. I lifted her chin with my thumb and forefinger, inclining her head so I was peering into her blue eyes.
‘I’m sorry. I never meant to embarrass you. I couldn’t control it blowing in front of me. I didn’t know what it was. I swear to you, I put it up straight away.’
‘What did you see?’
Too much. Not enough. I looked away and winced. ‘Public sex and a one-night stand,’ I said when I faced her again.
Hannah’s cheeks flushed bright pink. She swallowed hard and groaned. ‘Of course you did. Of course those are the ones you saw.’
‘They just sprung out at me. I wasn’t trying to see them or read the list.’
She focused on my feet. ‘You must think I’m ridiculous.’ Her voice was small.
I stepped closer, again with my hand at her chin, lifting her head so she was seeing me. ‘Why the hell would I think that?’
She shrugged. ‘Why wouldn’t you?’
I shook my head adamantly. ‘I think no such thing. I thought it was kinda … hot.’
Her eyes widened and she mouthed, ‘no’.
It struck me then, a deeper understanding. It was her look, such vulnerability. The way her eyes couldn’t hold mine, her lowered face, as though she was hiding. ‘You can’t see it, can you?’
‘See what?’
My neck and ears were hot and I thought I wouldn’t be able to get the words out, or if I should, but she needed to know. ‘How beautiful you are.’
She rushed her next inhale and stared at me. Her lips parted as though to speak, but she said nothing.
I grinned bashfully and pointed behind my shoulder with my thumb. ‘Um … I should get back to it.’
She nodded. Still staying nothing. I turned and walked away.
Chapter 11
Hannah
Grandma, eighteen years old, worked casual shifts at the hospital on the mainland as a cleaner. From the first pay cheque, she put aside ten per cent of her wage into a tin. When the world moved to electronic banking, she transferred it to a savings account. Every single week. Even the poorer weeks. She did this, because from the time she was a little girl, she dreamed of seeing the world. And if she kept putting away that money, one day she’d be able to.
‘It’s essential to have a goal, Hannah,’ she said as we walked along the golden beach hand in hand. I was eleven. ‘Even if that goal seems too big, you can always be doing something, no matter how small, to reach for it. It lets that goal know you’re serious.’
While studying my last two years of university, I went to work at Penright Press. I put ten per cent away just like Grandma. In the beginning, that equated to twenty-eight dollars, seemingly insignificant, but I did it anyway. I was saving for my future goal. A goal I hadn’t quite named yet. But a goal I became sure of in the end—I was saving to leave him. And when the time was right, I took my meagre savings and left.
I kicked a loose stone and was snapped from my reverie, back to my sunlit surroundings. The morning was warm, but the trees shaded my walk. Penny panted at my side as her paws pitter-pattered along the road. The ocean was before me, like a sprawling blue canvas. I took Penny down to the sand for a distance, letting her tiptoe along the water’s edge.
Despite my stunning surroundings, my stomach was knotted, my head filled with memories of the day I picked up my phone with shaking hands, trembling lips, and called a removalist company. Allister didn’t know. Maybe he would’ve let me leave freely, maybe he wouldn’t. Either way, the confrontation and conversation was too much for me to contemplate. My strength had been eroded. My confidence shattered. I couldn’t tell him face to face that it was over. So I did it behind his back. Everything. My discussions with work. My packing. My hotel arrangements.
Gutless? That’s what he would have called me when he arrived home to an almost empty house. And he was right. That’s what I had become.
When the removalist pulled into the driveway, I was so jittery I vomited. The two burly men seemed to understand what my quick words and shaking limbs meant, so they hurried and had my possessions cleaned out by mid-morning and on the truck to Queensland.
I wrote a note and left it on the floor at the front door where Allister would see it as he walked in after work.
If I am ever to experience happiness in this life, I need to be free of you.
You are to never contact me again.
I beg you to get help for your abusive behaviour.
I left my phone on the kitchen bench, shoved my new mobile in my bag and hurried out the door.
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the cool salty air, and looked out at the ocean. I wiggled my toes into the gritty sand under my feet. I loved this town. I loved what it represented—a new beginning, a better life, safety.
Penny tugged on her leash, urging I keep walking. So I did. We headed to the small cluster of shops on the street across from the beach. They were a new addition since I was here as a child. Probably came in as developers and investors did.
I tied Penny to a pole outside the café and ordered a coffee for me and Bear.
‘Hannah.’
I spun to find who possessed the high-pitched female voice, and found Natalie strolling into the shop. She had bloomed into womanhood as all girls did, but it was always shocking to see someone from childhood now a gorgeous woman. Her hair was long and blonde, skin a deep copper and her body was sleek muscle.
I smiled. ‘Hi.’
‘Just the girl I was hoping to see.’
‘Really?’
‘I’m having a barbeque Saturday night and I’d love for you to come. It’ll be a great opportunity to meet some more locals.’
I grinned wide. ‘That sounds great.’
She pulled her mobile from her shorts pocket and pressed buttons on the screen. ‘Give me your number and I’ll text you through the details later.’
I called my number to her and she punched it in.
‘Cool. It’s BYO drinks and maybe bring a dessert or some nibbles. I’ll have the rest covered.’
‘Sure.’
Natalie flicked her long blonde strands behind her shoulder. ‘So how’s it all going? You settling in?’
I nodded. ‘I am. The house is coming along great. Bear is very talented.’
‘Oh yeah. Bear is incredible. Mind you, he’s been in the trade since he was fifteen, you’d kinda hope he’d learnt something since then.’
‘Really? So he didn’t finish school?’
Natalie shook her head. ‘Not with all the drama that was going on with his mother.’
She said this as though I should know what drama she was referring to.
‘Well, I better get back to it,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you Saturday if I don’t see you before.’
‘I’m looking forward to it.’
I watched Bear as I walked back up to the house with Penny. Seeing him, so tall and broad, that tool belt clipped to his hip, my belly flipped. Purely biological. I had no intention at all of listening to these urges because I needed time away from men. I needed selfish, unadulterated me time to find the Hannah that had been squashed and stood on over the years. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy how this man made me feel. In fact, it might help me find that part of me, that sexual, lustful, excitable side, buried beneath a destructive too-long relationship.
Bear flicked the remaining water from the roller, then laid it on the grass to dry with the others. I walked up the drive and met him near the front stairs. I waited for his hands to be free before I held out his coffee.
‘You know you’re spoiling me,’ he said with a smile, those deep dimples flashing, and took the cup from me. ‘I’m going to want to take you along with me on all jobs, or never leave this one.’
‘It’s the least I can do. Besides, it’s nice having someone to drink my morning coffee with.’
Again, he grinned. Again, the dimples. ‘I want to show you something.’
‘What is it?’
He started up the front stairs, a smile on his lips. ‘I’ve got the second coat of colour on.’
‘You have?’ I said, running now and giggling, my sore leg muscles groaning under protest.
He led me through the lounge and down the hall to the bedroom. He stood out the way and let me walk in first. The ceiling and architraves were crisp white. The ornate cornicing vibrant against the pale green walls. The room looked bigger, brighter and fresh. In between waiting for coats to dry, Bear had hand-built timber shutters and installed them on the bay window. Gone were the old brown curtains and in their place, fresh, white beachy-feeling blinds.
‘This looks amazing.’ I spun to face him and grinned. ‘How lucky am I?’
This made him laugh. ‘I’d say you’re pretty lucky. You made some great choices.’
I nodded. ‘Yeah. Great choice of carpenter.’
He lowered his gaze, but his dimples were deep as he smiled.
I loved this house—its age, imperfections and beachy feel. I didn’t want to lose that, but I did want this house to feel more like my home rather than Gran’s. I wanted to add a feminine touch with punches of bright colour and girly furnishings. ‘I don’t want to lose sight that this is a beach house,’ I had told Bear and he had given me some great ideas on how to achieve that. Turned out, he had keen insight.
‘Thank you,’ I said.
He looked at me then and I realised the colour I’d chosen for the walls was the same colour as his pale green eyes. ‘Give it the night to dry and you’ll be right to move back in here tomorrow.’
I took in all the surfaces of the room again. ‘You’d have never known the ceiling was on the floor just three days ago and it smelled like a stinking pond in here.’
He laughed aloud and my stomach tightened. He had a great laugh—deep and unreserved. ‘I’m glad you like it.’
Chapter 12
Bear
I was relieved Hannah seemed to have gotten over the bucket list embarrassment. Her reaction, the tears, made me feel like shit. Another glimpse of how fragile she was. She hid it well most of the time, but when it broke through, it was as transparent as glass.
I grabbed my folder from the front seat of my car and met Hannah inside. She was seated at the dining table sipping her coffee. Her cotton candy lips looked edible. The sun had kissed her skin a light bronze colour over the last few days making her eyes shine brighter. I sat beside her and took the quotes from my folder.
‘You’ve been busy,’ she said, eyeing the papers as I spread them out on the table.
I smiled. ‘A little.’
I ran through the quotes, explaining the labour estimates and material costs for each room. ‘Regulation stops me from being able to do the plumbing and electrical work, so I’ll have to subcontract those trades in. And they’re a little expensive …’
She nodded and smiled. ‘I understand.’
‘Now, we can go through each room line by line and delete anything you don’t want or add anything you’ve thought of since our talk yesterday.’
We delved into that, adjusting the quotes where required, until gravel crunched under tyres. I turned to peer out the open front door. A black car was coming up the driveway.
Hannah’s chair scraped along the timber as she rushed to stand. ‘Oh shit,’ she hissed. Her face was pale and eyes wide.
I stood and she looked at me. ‘It’s him. I … I can’t believe he came here. I don’t know what …’
My heart thumped once as I read the fear on her features, in her shaking hands. I understood now. I’d dealt with ‘hims’ my entire childhood; seems she had been dealing with her own. I placed a hand on her shoulder and she flinched, but I held her firm. ‘Hannah, look at me please.’
She dragged her gaze away from the doorway and peered up at me.
‘I’m going to help you deal with him, okay?’
Tears welled.
‘You don’t even need to talk to him. Unless you want to.’
She shook her head.
‘Take a seat. I’m going to meet him at the door. He won’t be coming inside.’
She nodded, tears rolling onto her cheeks. Her gaze darted around, searching for something. Her hands trembled. ‘I need a tissue. I need to wipe this off,’ she said covering her hand over her mouth, words frantic.
I crouched in front of her so I was at eye level and pulled her hands away. ‘I’m here, Hannah, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.’ She breathed in shakily and closed her eyes.
‘Hannah,’ came a deep, scathing voice from the front lawn.
Her eyes snapped open.
‘I’ve got this,’ I said.
I stood and marched to the front door to meet this man.
Leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over my chest, I watched the man dressed in jeans, a pale blue polo shirt and brown leather loafers. He wore expensive sunglasses and his hair was gelled back. He was tall and lean. No doubt a private school boy. An over-achiever. And had a few dollars to splash around, judging by the Mercedes SUV hire car parked in the drive.
‘Hannah,’ he said again, marching up the front stairs. He stopped when he saw me. I knew guys like him. They were weak underneath their macho, dominating veneer. Unconfident at heart. Tough enough to pick on a woman half their size, but when it came to confronting other men, they backed away quick enough.
‘Can I help you …?’ I trailed off, prompting him to say his name.
‘Allister,’ he said, lifting his glasses onto his head, revealing cold grey eyes. ‘Who are you?’
‘What are you doing here, Allister?’
He stood before me and peered around my head inside. His eyes narrowed and lips twisted as he saw Hannah. ‘I’ve come to talk to that … her.’ Allister took a step, but I shifted in front of him, blocking his path.
‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing? That’s my girlfriend.’
I shook my head. ‘A girl doesn’t move three thousand kilometres away from someone she still classes as her boyfriend. Perhaps that’s something you need to get clear in your mind as you walk down those stairs and get back into your car.’
He scowled. ‘This is none of your business. Step aside.’
‘That’s not going to happen, Allister.’
‘So what?’ he says looking in at Hannah. ‘You’re whoring it up already. But that always was your way, wasn’t it? Look at you. With your fat—’ I lurched at him, grabbed him by the throat, cutting his words off. I held tight as I shoved him backwards down the stairs and slammed him against the bonnet of his car.
My muscles were vibrating from the adrenaline, from the lifetime of anger.
‘I know what you’re like, you gutless piece of shit,’ I yelled, my face but centimetres from his. ‘Think you’re tough calling her names. How about you say it to me? Go on, I fucking dare you.’
His arms were flailing; he was making choking sounds. With his oxygen flow cut, his face was deep red, verging on purple. I eased up a little to allow a breath then yanked him up off the bonnet by his shirt until we were at eye level.
‘Get in your car and don’t come back. Because if you do, I will fucking kill you! You hear me?’
I released him and he backed away to the driver’s side door, straightening his shirt. ‘We’ll see what the police have to say about that.’
He opened the door and climbed inside, slamming it shut. He started the engine and wound the window down a fraction. ‘I’m a lawyer and have every means available to destroy you.’
I laughed at his gutless strike. They were all the same. Every last one of them. I didn’t even answer him. He reversed in a flurry, stirring rocks and dirt and sped off down the street.
Hannah was still seated at the kitchen table when I jogged back inside. She looked up at me with tear-stained cheeks. She was shaking and her shoulders were arching forwards. It was like she was trying to roll in on herself. Trying to make herself disappear. I hated seeing that—women, children, anyone, trying to hide away—it broke my heart. I went to her, lifted her from the seat and wrapped her in my arms.
‘Aww, Hannah. Come on now. Don’t cry over him.’
I thought of my mother as I held Hannah. Bruised, bloody and so very broken. I hadn’t thought of her like that for some time. The years tended to seal over the more horrible memories and present you with ones that were easier to cope with, could even laugh about. I loved my mother. I also hated her. Those two emotions could never be reconciled.
Hannah wept against me. Long, loud sobs that wracked her chest and made her shoulders jump. ‘I hate him. I hate him so much.’
I rubbed my hand up and down her back. My own throat was tight, my chest heavy. ‘I know. I know. I hate him too.’ And every other person like him.
Chapter 13
Hannah
The trembling in my hands stopped and my heart rate tempered. Bear made us a cup of tea and we sat in the lounge; he on the three seater and I took the armchair.
I pulled my legs up under me and took a sip from my cup, still dumbfounded that Allister had showed up here. What did he plan to do? Pick me up over his shoulder and throw me in the car? Beat me? I shuddered. Worse?
I looked into Bear’s sympathetic green gaze as he brought his own mug to his lips and sipped.
Pieces of Me Page 6
