by Cat Carmine
So, I did what anyone who wants to be careful, stay smart, and play small would do: I pushed him away. Lucky for me, life and fate conspired to get us back together — or maybe he was just stubborn and wouldn’t let me walk away that easily. Now we’re together, and it’s better than anything I’ve ever known.
This is real love, Nebraska. This is what real love feels like. It feels like waking up in the morning and knowing you’re with exactly the right person. It feels like finally coming up for air after you’ve been swimming deep under water. It feels like spending your whole life thinking you had all these jagged edges that you had to work desperately to hide, only to find out you’re actually just a puzzle piece meant to snap perfectly in place with someone who has their own craggy bits.
I want that for you. I want that for you so badly. I don’t know if your boyfriend ended up proposing, or what you might have said in response, but whatever happened, even if you said yes, I want to tell you that it’s not too late to hold out for happiness. Don’t settle for maybe, despite everything I told you last time. Wait for the one who makes you feel like you only just learned how to breathe.
It’s time to stop being careful, Nebraska. Be wild, instead. Be wild, and stay stupid, and play big. That’s my advice to you, and it will be the last piece of advice I ever write for this column. I think, as far as advice goes, it will be the truest and most real thing I’ve ever written, and I think it is a fitting place to end.
Yours in solidarity,
Miss Emma
Thirty-Three
Ten Months Later
“How can one person make such a mess in just three weeks?” Lucy groans. We’re both sitting on the floor of the bedroom that used to be mine, our hands sheathed in yellow rubber gloves and a bucket of hot soapy water between us.
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “Lots of sacrifices?”
I moved into Tyler’s loft about six months ago, and over the course of those six months, Lucy has had three different roommates in my old room. The first one didn’t pay rent. The second one owned way too many snakes. The third and most recent woman turned out to be an actual witch — or so she claimed — and woke Lucy up one night by standing over her bed chanting and sprinkling dried parsley over her. Lucy quite rightly threw a fit and chucked her out the next day.
I feel guilty that she’s having so much trouble finding a new roommate, which is why I’m back here, helping her clean out the room after Witchy Woman’s departure. There’s melted candle wax and God knows what else all over the floor, and even though we’ve had the window open all morning, the place still smells like patchouli and cheap incense.
“Can’t you just move back?” Lucy whines, as she hacks at a chunk of royal blue wax on the floorboards.
I laugh. “Sorry, no. I kinda like where I am.”
Living with Tyler has been an absolute dream come true. Every day, we seem to fall deeper in love, and every day I pinch myself, because I still can’t believe this is my life now.
“Yeah, yeah. Can’t say I blame you,” she grins.
“Have you and Lou talked about moving in together? Why don’t you get him to move in here? Or give up the apartment and move in to his together?”
Lucy doesn’t look up, just keeps hacking away at the wax, and I realize I’ve hit a sore spot.
“Sorry, none of my business.”
“No, it’s okay. We’re just not there yet, is all.”
“Totally understandable.” I spray another round of Febreeze into the air. Now the room smells like patchouli and cheap incense and spring fresh rain.
Lucy stands up, stretching out her neck and shoulders.
“It’s getting there,” she says, surveying the room. “Thanks again for your help.”
“Anytime.”
“Well, hopefully this will be the last time,” she laughs. “I don’t know how many more bad roommates I can take.”
The buzzer goes off at that moment, and Lucy hurries to get it while I attack the unidentified black stain in the corner. Lord — I was joking about the sacrifices, but I’m starting to wonder if Witchy Woman was actually burning things in here. Can you say fire hazard?
A minute later, Lucy appears at the door again with a bright smile on her face.
“Look who’s here!”
I look behind her and do a double-take.
“Blake!”
“Surprise!” Blake hops into the room, dropping a huge duffel bag and wrapping me in a hug.
“This is a surprise! What are you doing here?”
“Can’t I just come visit my favorite sister?”
“Yes … but how’d you know I’d be here? I don’t even live here anymore.”
Her face pinks up a bit as she looks between Lucy and me. “Well, actually I was coming to talk to Lucy first. I saw on Facebook that you were looking for another roommate and I thought … maybe I could be that roommate.” Her voice turns up at the end, always hopeful. She grins at both of us.
Lucy and I exchange a glance. I can’t believe Blake is putting her on the spot like that. But to my relief, Lucy grins.
“That would be amazing,” she sighs. “Oh my God, someone normal for once. Wait … you don’t know any spells, do you? Own any snakes or other exotic pets?”
Blake wrinkles her nose. “No… why?”
“Just making sure.”
I stand up, peeling off the rubber gloves. “Blake, are you sure about this? What about Mom and Dad? What about your job at the flower shop?”
Blake waves her hand, as if these are minor details. Which, in her world, they probably are.
“They totally support my decision,” she assures me. “They got an intern for the summer, so we agreed that I could come here for six months and give it a go. If it doesn’t work out, I can always move back home.”
“But … okay, wow. Blake, this is huge! Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
She groans. “I am so ready, Emma, you have no idea. I’m so bored in Connecticut. Why should you and Rori have all the fun?”
“Well, it’s not all fun, don’t forget. You’re going to have to get a job, and pay bills …” I trail off when Blake purses her lips unhappily. It’s not that I don’t love my sister, and I’d love to have her closer so that I could see her more often, but Blake has lived with our parents forever, and I’m not quite sure she understands what a shift it’ll be to live on her own.
“I want to do this, Emma,” she says quietly. “I know you guys all think I’m a baby because I still live at home, but I’m ready to have a real life. I want what you and Rori have. I want love and adventure and a real career.”
“And you deserve it, Blake.” I give her a hug. “I’m proud of you. And you know if you need anything at all, I’m here to help you. Rori, too.”
“Thanks. Actually, if you have any leads on cool jobs…”
I roll my eyes, laughing. “I’ll keep my ears open.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it. Now, where can I put my stuff?”
I glance at the duffel bag and realize … “You mean, you brought all your stuff with you? Like, you just moved here without even telling anyone first?”
Blake shrugs. “I figured it would work out.”
I can’t help but laugh. Sometimes I wish I had Blake’s confidence. She always assumes things will fall into place — and hell, you know, they usually do.
I grab the damp sponge I was using and hand it over to Blake, along with the rubber gloves.
“Since you’re a grown-up now,” I tell her, “you get to help Lucy clean up in here. I’ve got to head home so I can get ready.”
Blake was starting to pout, but now her eyebrows perk up. “Get ready for what?”
“Oooh!” Lucy claps her hands together. “I almost forgot you have your special dinner with Tyler tonight!”
“Oooh, what special dinner?” Blake asks, looking eagerly back and forth between Lucy and me.
“They’re going to a fancy restaurant, and he says he has a
surprise for her!” Lucy crows.
Blake’s eyes widen. “Holy shit, Em, do you think he’s going to propose?”
“I don’t know.” My cheeks turn red. I won’t lie — the thought occurred to me. We haven’t been together that long, but I know he’s as in love with me as I am with him, and he’s made no secret of the fact that he wants us to spend the rest of our lives together. But I also don’t want to get my hopes up.
Still, I might have booked a manicure for this afternoon. Just a coincidence, really. Don’t read anything into it.
By the time I leave Blake and Lucy, they’re chatting happily about how they’re going to redecorate the apartment, and I feel a wave of happiness at having Blake in the city at last. I just hope things work out the way she wants them to. New York City isn’t always kind, and it can be hard to make your way here.
Then again, I think, smiling to myself, when it comes to Blake, maybe it’s the city that should be worried.
A few hours later, I pull open the door to Element, a beautiful — and staggeringly expensive — fusion restaurant that Tyler and I have both been dying to try. At the hostess stand, I give Tyler’s name, and the chicly dressed attendant leads me in to the interior of the restaurant. Tyler is sitting at a small table near the back, and my heart lifts as soon as I see him. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that feeling.
“Hello beautiful,” he says, standing up to kiss me in greeting. The kiss lingers, as it always does, until I feel breathless and light-headed.
“Hi,” I say softly, as I finally pull away.
“You look gorgeous,” he says, looking me up and down. “Even more than usual. I didn’t even think that was possible.”
Besides the manicure, I also got a blow-out today, and I’m wearing a new dress. This time it’s not even black. Okay, it’s a very dark plum, but baby steps, right?
We sit down, and Tyler pours me a glass of wine, and even though I feel a bit nervous about what this evening might hold, we fall easily into conversation. I tell him all about Blake’s surprise arrival, and he laughs deeply and appreciatively when I recount Lucy’s roommate saga.
I ask him how work was today, and I listen in amusement as he recounts a story about Keagan and Lacy swapping pictures of hot male celebrities and trying to get him to weigh in on who was the hottest Hemsworth brother.
Tyler had brought Keagan over with him when he took over at the newly formed Good Grant Digital. Too bad he won’t have him much longer — it didn’t take more than six months for him to realize Keagan was wasted in an assistant role. Soon he’s being promoted to manager of the ebook content division. Tyler’s half glum about the decision — he’s really come to rely on him as an assistant — but the promotion was perfect for Keagan, especially since he’d have to work closely with Diana, who had happily stepped up into Tyler’s old CEO job at Good Grant Books.
Malcolm Grant officially retired last month. We haven’t seen him much. He and Tyler’s mother have been in Italy, working on their marriage. Tyler won’t admit it, but I know he’s hopeful that they might still have a future together.
In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying getting to know Lacy and Brendan and little Everett. They moved out of Tyler’s building and into a high-rise off Central Park West, and we have dinner with them at least once a week. Sometimes Rori and Wes join us as well.
Maybe Blake will be able to start coming soon too, I think happily.
By the time we finish eating, I’ve completely forgotten about Tyler’s surprise — until our server appears by our table and presents us with a bottle of champagne.
“What’s this for?” I ask, as we’re each poured a glass.
Tyler grins. Does he look … nervous? I shift in my seat. My pulse is starting to pick up, and my skin tingles.
“I told you I had a surprise for you tonight,” he says.
“Oh, right.” I flutter a smile as my stomach flips. “What is it?”
He bends down, and I clutch my napkin. Oh my God. It’s really happening!
I squeal as his head comes back up … and then stare in confusion as he hands me …
A book.
My book.
Oh! My book!
I grab it out of his hands and stare down at the cover.
“It’s real!” I whisper.
“It’s real,” he grins. “We got the first print run last week, and I wanted to give you the very first copy. I’m so proud of you, Emma.”
I run my fingers lightly across the bright pink cover, tracing over the white lettering.
‘Breaking All The Rules: How I Learned To Let Go of Perfection and Found Happiness Instead.’
Even seeing the words printed there sends a thrill through me. Writing this book had been an act of love and, truly, of letting go. It was three of the most emotional months of my life, and with every word, I seemed to let go of the old Emma and embrace the new one. The one who wasn’t perfect. The one who was beautifully flawed. The one who loved deeply and who lived with abandon.
Well, some amount of abandon, anyway. Let’s be reasonable.
“I love it,” I tell Tyler honestly. “I couldn’t imagine a better surprise.”
And it’s true. Even though I’d been hoping for a proposal, I’m a hundred percent confident in my relationship with Tyler, and I know it’ll come soon enough. When the time is right.
“Remember when you inscribed your first book for me?” Tyler asks, fiddling with his napkin.
I laugh. “How could I forget? Just say no. Famous last words, right?”
He grins. “Well, I inscribed this one for you.”
“You did?” I hastily flip open the book to the title page. His familiar handwriting stares up at me.
My heart stutters. My legs go weak. My eyes swim as tears start to blur my vision.
I trace my fingers over the words on the page. Because there’s no mistaking them, these words that Tyler’s written for me.
“Just say yes.”
I look up at Tyler, and suddenly he’s on his knee in front of me.
My hand flies to my mouth, but he pulls it away, taking it in his own.
“Emma, I’ve never met anyone like you in my life. I’m in love with your mind, your heart, your body, your soul, and every other part of you. There’s no one else I’d rather take this journey through life with, and you would make me the happiest man in the world if you’d let me love and cherish you and walk beside you forever. Will you be my wife, Emma Holloway?”
I fall out of my chair and into his arms, my hands roaming over his face and my lips finding his and somewhere in there, the word yes tumbling out of my mouth a couple of thousand times. Around us, people in the restaurant are applauding, but I’m lost to everything and everyone except Tyler and this perfect moment.
Finally, he stops kissing me long enough to slide the ring onto my finger. It’s an absolutely stunning princess-cut diamond with a band of smaller diamonds lined neatly around it.
“For my princess,” he says, sliding it on to my finger. “And if you don’t like it, you can blame Rori.”
I giggle. “It’s absolutely perfect,” I tell him. And it is.
“Just like you.” He kisses me one more time, and then we reluctantly take our seats again. I take a long swallow of champagne, but it brings an immediate flush to my skin, and I giggle. Bubbles and adrenalin are coursing through me in equal measure, and I feel half mad.
We sit and drink champagne for a while, both just staring and smiling stupidly at each other.
“I hope I’m not interrupting,” a deep voice says. “I just wanted to come over and say congratulations.”
I look up to find an extremely attractive man in a dark suit. His eyes are serious, though his mouth is pressed into something of a smile.
“Logan!” Tyler exclaims, standing to shake his hand. “Nice to see you.”
“You, too. I’d ask how you’re keeping, but the answer is obvious.” He smiles at me, though again, the smile doesn’t qu
ite reach his eyes, which seem … sad, somehow.
“Yes, I’d say I’m keeping very well. This is my girlfriend — oh, hey, fiancee! — Emma Holloway. Emma, this is Logan Cartwright, CEO of Cartwright Diamonds.”
“Oh!” I shake his hand, surreptitiously glancing down at my diamond ring in the process.
Tyler grins. “Of course it’s a Cartwright Diamond.”
Logan laughs — sort of. “Yes, when you called me about getting a ring, I never imagined I’d find myself in the same restaurant when you actually proposed. The least you can let me do now is buy you a bottle of champagne.”
“Oh, that’s not necessary. I appreciate the offer, though. How are you doing, Logan?” Tyler’s eyes are as serious as his friends.
“I’m fine, thank you.” He pauses. “Work is keeping me busy. Though if you know of anyone needing an assistant job, please send them my way.” He rolls his eyes. “Ten in the last year. That has to be some kind of record.”
My ears perk up, and I think of Blake. I’m about to say something when Tyler covers my hand with his.
“Emma, I never told you this, but it was actually Logan who recommended Darkly to me. I took Emma there on one of our first dates.”
“Ah, yes,” Logan smiles. “I remember that place. Very interesting. Bit of a sham, I found out later.”
“Oh?” Tyler raises his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
Logan shakes his head. “That whole bit about all the servers being legally blind so they’re used to navigating without sight? Load of crap. They’ve all got on night vision goggles. They can see everything. That’s how they know when to bring you your next course.” He shrugs. “Anyway, I won’t keep you two any longer. Enjoy the rest of your evening, and congratulations again.”
As soon as he leaves, I look in horror at Tyler. My eyes are as wide as dinner plates, and Tyler’s are just as big. The implications of what Logan just said … that night we went to Darkly … when I had let Tyler …
