by Toni Aleo
“I’m fine,” she insists. “It’s just my therapist. She wants to see me one last time before I transfer down here.”
Therapist? Okay.
“Okay,” I say slowly, waiting for her to go on. But it appears she isn’t going to. “Why do you go to a therapist?”
Swallowing hard, she looks up at me and shrugs. “For therapy.”
I try not to glare, but come on. Really? “No shit, Sherlock. For what?”
“Um, well, just stuff. I have issues.”
“Like?” Jesus, this is like pulling teeth!
“Why does it matter?” she asks before sitting up. “They don’t affect you. I’m fine.”
“But they affect you,” I say, sitting up, my eyes searching hers. “Why won’t you just tell me?”
“Because it’s nothing, really. It’s silly. I’m fine as long as I take my meds. I promise.”
What the hell?
“You’re on meds?”
Not looking at me, she shrugs. “Yeah.”
“Okay, and what happens if you don’t take them?”
“Then I’m not okay,” she says, frustration lacing her tone. “But, let’s forget this, okay? You need to rest. You have a game tomorrow.”
“I don’t care,” I say sternly. “I want to know what is going on. What do you mean, you’re not fine if you don’t take your meds? What happens?”
“Nothing, Jace. Please, let’s rest.”
“What, do you cut yourself?” I blurt out. And really, I did that? I mean, come on. Why the ever-loving fuck did I do it like that?
She still holds my gaze, but her mouth parts and I don’t miss the way her hands cover the inside of her thighs as her breathing picks up. Her eyes look as if they can’t believe I said that, and I can’t believe I did either. I’m sure I could have gone a different route, but we are here, and it’s time to discuss this. I never pussyfoot around anything, and I won’t do it any longer. If she wants to be with me, then she is going to be with me. All of her.
But the silence stretches between us as we keep staring at each other, neither us moving. I’m not even sure I’m breathing as I wait for her to say something. Swallowing hard, I continue to wait. Surely, she is going to say something, but yet she doesn’t. She’s just staring at me, her eyes wide. And I don’t understand.
Finally, she gasps, “What?”
“I saw the marks on your thighs,” I admit and she looks away, drawing in a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about them all day, about you. And I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I think you did them to yourself. If I’m wrong, please correct me. But tell me something, Avery. Please. I’m worried.”
She brings her lips between her teeth, and I watch as she draws in a breath through her nose and lets it back out. Red splotches start to appear on her neck, her breasts, and even her cheeks as time passes. I swear, it’s so quiet, I can hear the traffic outside, but I wait. I give her time, and hopefully, she sees that I’m here for her. That I want to support her.
She swallows hard, a tear rolling down her cheek and off her jaw before she looks up, her watery gaze meeting mine. “Yeah. I did.”
Did. Okay.
Reaching out, I go to take her hands, but she doesn’t move them. Doesn’t lace her fingers with mine like she usually does. She’s frozen, the only thing moving the tears rolling down her face.
“I didn’t want to make you cry,” I whisper, still trying to hold her hands, but she isn’t letting me.
“And I never wanted you to see them,” she says as she sniffles. Since she won’t let me hold her hands, I reach out, wiping away each tear that feels like a knife in my heart. “But I guess you would sooner rather than later.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She gives me a deadpan look. “How do you tell someone you used to cut yourself to feel alive? How does that make sense, you know?”
My heart is pounding, the hair on my arms standing at attention as my heart breaks for this girl.
“I go to therapy for it, for my depression and my anxiety. Yeah, I’m pretty fucked up.”
Whoa. Okay. This is okay. “No, you’re not.”
“No, I am, and you want out. I see it in your eyes. I’ll go.” When she tries to move, I take ahold of her, stopping her. There is no way in hell she is leaving this room thinking that nonsense.
“Um, no, you’re seeing the wrong thing. I’m concerned, Avery—I don’t want out. Stop. Breathe,” I say because she’s starting to shake. “Just breathe.”
She tries to move out of my arms, but I bear-hug her, holding her in place as she fights. But she doesn’t last long before she starts to sob in my arms. I don’t know what to do, what to say, so I just hold her as she cries. Soon, she relaxes against me, her face in my neck as she sucks in breaths and lets them out.
“I just don’t want to seem weak in front of you, and that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“You’re not weak, Avery.”
“Yes, I am.” She pulls back to look at me. Her face is completely red, snot is escaping her nose, and her bottom lip is trembling. She looks downright pitiful and it’s killing me.
“No, I don’t see that.”
“Because you don’t know this part of me.”
“And even when I know this part, I still won’t see you as weak. I’ll see you as someone who is fighting to stay afloat. And the thing is, you don’t have to fight alone, Avery. I’m here for you.”
Her lips tremble more as she looks away, wiping her face, and my heart really can’t take it. I don’t want her to cry, I don’t want her to feel weak, not when I see this amazing, strong woman.
“A weak person wouldn’t leave what they know for something new to pursue their dreams. A weak person wouldn’t try to be with someone after being hurt by another. You’re not weak, Avery.”
“Fine, I’m pathetic since I did it because of him. I did it because it was the only thing I could control since I couldn’t control how he treated me or what he said to me.” She pauses, sucking in a deep breath. “He was just awful to me, Jace. And I know you don’t understand any of this, but that’s ’cause you didn’t go through life with no one caring about you. Finally, I thought I’d found someone who cared about me, but then it went bad. I’d wanted so badly for it to work that when it didn’t, I had to feel something, so I cut myself.”
She chances a glance at me, and hell, I don’t know what my face is saying, but it must be bad because she looks away, a sob tearing from her. Swallowing hard around my emotions that want to escape, I reach out, taking her hands in mine, kissing the back of them. She looks up at me, her eyes softening as I meet her gaze again.
“Okay. But, Avery, you learned from it, right? You haven’t done it since? It ended because he’s gone?” I ask, hopeful, but when her eyes avert down, my heart sinks.
“Yeah, yeah. And I promise, I haven’t done it in months, almost ten, but I thought about it today when I got overwhelmed. But I didn’t have my meds today ’cause I slept over.”
“Okay,” I say softly. “But you didn’t cut.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then you’re winning, baby. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re fighting this.” She still won’t look at me or even agree that I’m right. Who knows if I am, but I’m trying. I don’t know what to say, and hell, I don’t understand it. But those scars are a part of her, and I love everything about her. Even the dents and bruises—or cuts in this case.
“Avery, look at me.”
When she looks up, her tears rolling down in rivers, I frame her face. “This doesn’t change anything or how I feel about you.”
“It should. You should run,” she cries as our fingers lace together. “I don’t want you to, though, if that counts for anything.”
Could my heart break any more for this girl? I’m sure it can, but man, she’s killing me while also provoking such rage against her family and the douche who hurt her. How dare they? How could they not see her begging for attentio
n, for love? It’s just not fair, but I swear to God, she’ll never have to beg for attention or love from me. Never.
“It counts, Avery, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Me and you.”
When she wraps her arms around my neck, she basically climbs into my lap. I hold her tightly as she cries against my shoulder. Running my fingers down her back, I feel so much better. I had been so worried. Yeah, this didn’t go as planned, but it went and it’s settled.
Now all we can do is move forward, hopefully with no other hiccups.
But then I remember my dad will be at the game tomorrow, and that is one hell of a hiccup. But it doesn’t affect us.
No, we are good.
We will always be good.
When I lay us down, she presses her nose to mine and her eyes burn into mine as her fingers dance along my jaw. My lip curves at the side as I search her gaze before I ask, “Don’t you feel better?”
She smiles a bit. “I’m embarrassed, but I’m glad you know. Now I won’t have to hide.”
“No, you never have to hide.”
Cupping my face, she moves her nose along mine. “How did I get so lucky to meet you?”
I shrug because I find myself asking the same thing. With my throat thick with emotion, I smile. “A lot of people ask themselves that.”
But she doesn’t laugh or even smile. “Well, no other girl will ever ask that, ’cause you’re mine.”
“And you’re mine, even the broken pieces.”
Closing her eyes, she whispers, “You can ignore them.”
But I shake my head, which causes her to open her eyes, confusion deep in her gaze. “No, I’ll never ignore any part of you, especially the broken parts. Those are the parts that need the most attention, the parts I’m gonna help put back together.”
She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, still flooding with tears. “I would give you a billion dots right now if we were texting.”
Grinning, I dig my fingers into her back. “I’ll take a kiss instead.”
“Done,” she says before crashing her mouth to mine.
As we kiss, I feel whole.
So much more than before.
And as much as I want to tell her I love her, this isn’t the time. I want her to see that I’m here for her, that I’m in it to win it, before I drop the love bomb on her.
But when I do, when I say it, she’ll never ever feel anything but my love.
For the rest of her life.
My heart is in my throat.
My body is vibrating with nerves.
But I’m ready.
Fucking ready.
As I stand in the hall, listening to each of my boys’ numbers and their names, I rock back and forth, excitement rushing through my veins. I have been waiting for this moment, the moment when I’m on the ice, shining brightly, not in anyone’s shadow, and murdering my opponent while my family watches.
And Avery.
I can’t wait for her to see how awesome I am. To know I’m going to look up and see her sitting next to my mom… Man, I’m pretty sure that’s the main reason I’m so excited. Because things have been good. I mean, I know it’s only been a day since she opened up to me, but things feel right. Like they’re supposed to. And when she looks at me, I know she’s almost there. I feel like we are really in a relationship now, and I couldn’t be happier. Well, winning all our games then the championship, before going first in the draft and doing it all with Avery by my side would make me really happy. But all that will happen.
All in due time.
I swallow hard, and Markus looks back at me, grinning. “Ready?”
“Born ready, brother,” I say as we tap gloves and his name is announced. Heading out of the tunnel like a rocket, he skates onto the ice, his hands up in the air as the cheers get louder. It’s almost my turn, and as the butterflies go nuts in my belly, I feel like I’m on top of the world, especially when my name is called.
“And now, your captain, number thirty-two, Jace Sinclair!”
The roar of the crowd is overwhelming as I take off out of the tunnel and onto the ice with ease, going the short distance to the blue line with my boys. Lifting my head, I look up, searching the crowd for my family. I see my mom first, jumping up and down, a sign in her hands that says, “That’s my baby!” It’s her signature sign. I’m pretty sure it’s the same one from when Jude and Jayden played, not that I mind. I love it. Next, I see Angie, then Lucy, along with Jude and Jayden, Claire and Baylor standing below them, all of them screaming and clapping loudly. Sucking in a deep breath, my face breaks into a grin as I look toward where the rink doors are open and Avery takes the ice.
When Avery told me she was singing tonight, I couldn’t wait. And as she holds the mic to her mouth, I can see the nervousness in her eyes. Closing her eyes, she starts, and I swear she sounds like an angel. Looks like one too, with my hoodie on and a pair of jeans. She sings with all the gusto she can manage. It’s amazing, and when she hits the climax of the song, her hand coming up as she holds the note, I’m blown away, along with the rest of the crowd. I tap my stick to the ice, my boys following as she finishes. Looking right at me, she blows me a kiss, and all I can do is grin. I’m so proud of her, and I’m ready to make her proud of me.
As I skate around, keeping my legs warm while the rest of the team takes the bench and we get ready to start the game, I look around for my dad. When I find him, Ellen is sitting next to him and that bothers me. It’s bad enough he’s here, but he had to bring her? Damn it. But no, I can’t let that bother me. I have to focus.
One-track mind.
Winning.
Lining up, Markus and Gordon on either side of me, I feel my heart pounding in anticipation. I look to Markus and he nods, and then I turn to Gordon, and he does the same. We are ready. Sucking my mouthguard back into my mouth, I meet the gaze of my opponent and grin.
Let’s do this.
When the puck drops, though, Ohio State takes it with ease, which pisses me the fuck off. I hate losing the face-offs, but I don’t have time to dwell on it before I’m poke-checking the puck out of the guy’s possession and right onto Gordon’s stick. Gordon carries the puck into their zone quickly, dekeing around the offense before sending it back to Drake. He only holds it for a second before he sends it to Markus as I rush the net. Moving with the puck, hoping to block the goalie’s view, I watch as Markus sends it to Drake, who sends it to Marty, who then shoots. It rebounds. I try to get to it, but the defense beats me to it, trying to clear it out, but Drake is there, stopping it and shooting once more.
But it’s batted away right onto Gordon’s stick. He shoots; it’s blocked to my left. Markus shoots, and the goalie moves to the left. But it goes over him and the bar, hitting the glass and bouncing right onto my stick.
And I have a wide-open goal.
Sending it to the back of the net with ease, I throw my arms up in the air as our fight song sounds and my team wraps me up in a big hug.
“That’s one!” Markus yells happily as we tap helmets.
“Let’s do it again!” I yell and they all rally as we head to the bench for the next shift to go on. When I look up to my family, they are all losing their shit. And in the middle is Avery, with a huge grin on her face and a sign that says, “My boyfriend is better than yours!” in her hands.
For some reason, that sign is better than the goal I just scored.
We win the first game four to one, but it should have been a shutout. Unfortunately, one of our guys tipped the puck in over Trevor’s shoulder, which I hate. No big deal, it happens, but at least we won. After showering and rallying with the boys, all of us hoping to continue kicking ass, I head out into the tunnel leading to the lobby where my family is waiting. As excited as I am to see them, and Avery, I’m worried about seeing my dad. I blocked him out of my mind when I was on the ice, but now that I’m heading down the tunnel, uneasiness is settling in the pit of my gut.
This is probably going to be a shitshow.
Markus walks with me, a grin on his face because we both scored two each tonight. “So I’m pretty sure I’m going to out-goal you this year. Just a warning.”
I grin. “It’s good to believe in yourself, bro. Just keep doing that.”
He grins back. “Keep on, bro. And when I bypass you and get my own banner, we’ll see who’s encouraging the other to believe in themselves.”
I punch him playfully in the arm, and he laughs as we make it into the lobby. “I’ll come over and say hi to your mom in a minute. Let me go keep my mom and dad from killing each other.”
“May the force be with you.”
He shakes his head ruefully as he goes left toward where his parents are ignoring each other. Being the only child in that family has to suck, but Markus takes it in stride. He shouldn’t have to, though. But I do envy him, because instead of just two people hating each other, I have to contend with six, eight if you add in my sisters-in-law. Oh, joy. My stomach is in knots as I head to where my family usually stands. When I reach them, they are all talking, joking around. But when I get there, Jude puts me in a headlock while Jayden drops an elbow in my back.
“You think you’re good, hot shit,” Jude says, squeezing my head as Jayden’s hard-ass elbow digs into my back.
“Scoring like an asshole. Give the rest of the team a chance, puck hog,” Jayden teases before dropping both his elbows into my back.
“Mom! Make them stop!” I complain, but all I hear is laughter as they continue to beat me up. When I finally get away, my mom pulls me into her arms and glares at them.
“Leave my baby alone,” she scolds before kissing my head. “You did great, sweetie.”
“Yeah, sweetie, you did great,” Jayden chortles.
“I wish I was you, baby,” Jude teases and Claire smacks him.
“Leave him alone. You did great, Jace.”
“Thanks,” I say, meeting Avery’s gaze. Her eyes are dancing with laughter, her cheeks red from grinning. I’m convinced I’ll never see anyone as gorgeous as her. She pulled her hair to the side, braiding it down her shoulder, and I love how the wisps of hair are framing her face. Most of all, I love her smile. She looks happy, and that’s all I want.
