“Oh my god! We are not going there,” I shook my head in exasperation. Serena had a one track mind most days and today was no exception.
She laughed and I couldn’t help but join her; she really was the sunshine in my life.
***
I grabbed Blake and Serena in a group hug. “I’ll call you once we are there. Will be in about four or five hours.”
J was waiting for me on his bike and I could sense his impatience so I finished my goodbyes and climbed on behind him. Apart from the other night, it had been years since I’d been on the back of a bike and it felt good. I had missed it. Wrapping my arms around J’s waist, I tried to wipe away the thoughts of just how good it felt to be on his bike. He pulled my hands so that I was holding him tighter and pleasure shot through my body at his touch. I wondered if he felt it too, but quickly dismissed that thought because, let’s be honest, he was the one who had ended it all those years ago.
We took off and I settled in for a long trip. It would give me some time to try and get my thoughts and feelings about J, and going home sorted out. As much as it thrilled my body to be close to him, my head and heart weren’t thrilled. He had been the love of my life; breaking up with him had devastated me. We had many nasty run-ins after we separated, and it had crushed me to watch him go through woman after woman. After I moved, I’d never heard from him, and had not intended to see him again. My heart was still fragile; I hadn’t given it away since he shattered it and I wasn’t sure it could cope with being near him again. The heart wants what it wants. Often we have no say over who it chooses, and I was just trusting and hoping like hell that my heart knew that J had the power to break me again.
Chapter 9
Jason
I leaned into the doorframe of the clubhouse bar, crossed my arms in front of me and settled back to watch the duel between Scott and Madison. We had arrived back not fifteen minutes ago and they were already at it.
“I don’t want you going to see Crystal now because I can’t go with you. Gotta be somewhere else.” Scott was getting really pissed off, but then again, when wasn’t he pissed off with Madison.
Madison shot back, “I’m quite capable of going by myself.”
My eyes wandered down to her hips where she had placed her hands. She had on the tightest fucking jeans and all the assholes in here were mentally undressing her. I wanted to tell them to all fuck off, but I had no right to those thoughts anymore.
Scott was pacing now. Jesus Christ, if he was like this with his sister, what the fuck would he be like with an old lady? He didn’t do relationships and that was probably a good thing because his over protectiveness wouldn’t be appreciated by many women. I should fucking know. I had those tendencies too, and it had caused no end of fucking problems between Madison and I when we were together.
“Fuck it,” Scott swore, and tipped his chin in my direction, “J will go with you then.”
I pushed off from my leaning spot and walked towards them. Madison swung around to face me; she wasn’t pleased.
“J doesn’t have to go with me.” She looked wildly around the room until her gaze stopped on Stoney who was sitting in the corner. She jabbed a finger towards him, “Stoney can go with me.”
“I will go with you, Madison.” I growled. “Get your stuff and we can leave now.”
“Madison.” We all stopped and turned at the voice of our President. Marcus Cole was a commanding presence and I watched Madison shrink a little. She had always had a difficult relationship with her father. He was a man used to being in control and unfortunately for him, had raised a daughter who was too much like him, so they were constantly arguing.
She composed herself. “Dad.”
“Go with J for fuck’s sake. Not sure why you have to always fucking argue with everything.” He could be a bastard sometimes and I squeezed my fists, itching to punch him for being so harsh to her.
“Nice to see you too,” she seethed.
Marcus ignored her and turned to me, “Take her to see Crystal and then bring her back here. I want her staying at the clubhouse until we find where Nix is at.” With that he strode out of the room without a backwards glance at Madison. She looked hurt, and I fought the urge to pull her close and wrap my arms around her. Instead, I silently stayed where I was, waiting for her to make the next move.
“Nothing much changes around here, does it?” she asked no one in particular and threw her hands in the air. “Fuck! Is it any wonder I didn’t want to come home?” She directed this one at me.
Shit, I didn’t want to get into family fucking politics right now. It had been a long day and it wasn’t over yet. I pointed at the front door, “Time to go,” I said, walking towards it and then looked back over my shoulder at Scott, “I’ll check in with you later, see where we’re at.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Later, brother.”
***
Madison
Well, my father hadn’t changed much since I last saw him; still as controlling as ever. He and Scott were the same; how the hell was I going to get through this visit? And J. Well, that was a whole other headache. I was so confused about him right now, and he was giving me mixed signals. One minute he was bossing me around and the next he was looking at me like he used to.
I followed him outside and walked to his bike while he stopped and spoke with a guy I had never seen before. They discussed something in hushed tones and I could tell from J’s facial expressions that he wasn’t happy with whatever was being said. He muttered something at the guy before shaking his head at him in disgust. This couldn’t be good.
“What was that all about?”I asked as he approached me.
“Nothing you need to worry about,” he dismissed me.
I felt my blood boil. “Why do you, Scott and Dad do that? Why can’t you just answer my questions and tell me what is happening?”
J turned his angry eyes to me, “Not everything is about you, Madison. Seems to be something you still haven’t figured out.”
“Yes, I know that, but with what is happening at the moment, I figured it might be about Nix. And that is about me,” I had raised my voice and was breathless with rage. I didn’t know if this anger was coming from my current frustrations or whether it was old hurt resurfacing. J had cut me deep and I had buried it for so long, not allowing myself to really feel it because I knew the power it held over me. The power to break me again.
“Yeah, baby, that fucking is about you,” J snapped back at me, “But this isn’t. Now get on the back of the bike and let’s go.”
Oh, no he didn’t. “What the fuck does that mean, J? The bit about that being about me.” There had been an ugly tone to his words that I didn’t like and I didn’t know where they were coming from.
He leant down into my face and I was stunned at the anger emanating from him, “Perhaps if you hadn’t dated Nix, all of this shit wouldn’t be happening.”
Tears threatened my eyes, “I can’t believe you just said that,” I breathed out on a whisper, staring at him in shock and confusion. He stayed bent and in my face, just glaring at me. We stayed like that for a minute or so, the hurt feelings and unsaid things from years ago swirling around us.
Finally he stood back and broke eye contact. “Crystal’s staying with Brooke, so be prepared for that.” He changed the subject just like that; just like he always used to do and it hurt just as much now as it had then.
***
Brooke was J’s sister, and we had a long, hard history. Back in school we had been close, but the year after we finished school a misunderstanding had come between us. It was a silly misunderstanding, about a guy, and she had hated me ever since. Bec, however, had remained friends with Brooke, so she had continued to be a presence in my life. We just did our best to keep out of each other’s way. When I started dating J, she had been pissed off and had done her best to break us up. Brooke was the only family J had left after both his parents had died in a car accident and he was very close to her; she was his younger siste
r and he looked out for her and made sure she was always okay. When she began her campaign against us it had almost worked because J always made excuses for her behaviour. I had often felt like I came second to her and had threatened to walk away from the relationship a couple of times. It all came to a head about a year into our relationship and J had been forced to take a stance. He had chosen me but it was always clear just how much he loved Brooke, and from then on I had tried hard not to put him in the middle again. I think Brooke did the same because she had stopped trying to separate us.
We pulled up at Brooke’s house about fifteen minutes later. J was still shitty, and stalked into the house ahead of me. I watched as he entered the house and greeted Brooke. She looked past him at me, her face a blank mask. I was surprised when she gave me a tight smile and gestured for me to come in.
“Madison, how are you?” she asked as I came through the front door.
Well, shit, I could make small talk too. “I’m okay. And you?”
Before she could answer, Crystal came running into the room. “Madison!” She threw herself into my arms and I was overcome with emotion. I bent down and wrapped her in my arms, smoothing her hair and pressed my lips to her forehead. My heart broke a little more for her and I fought back the tears. I struggled with the knowledge that this beautiful child was now alone in the world, and I was annoyed at myself for not coming to see her sooner.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said, holding her a moment longer, and then I pulled away to take in her eyes. They betrayed her confusion, her loss and her heartbreak. If I was upset before, I was murderous now. How dare Nix take away her family? I kissed her again and then stood, keeping my arm around her.
J was watching me intently; his pissed off mood somewhat abated. He now knelt in front of Crystal. “How would you like us to stay for dinner tonight, angel?” he asked as he gently ran his hand over her hair in a soothing gesture, “We could order in your favourite.”
He was gentle with her and my heart skipped a beat. It reminded me that there was a softer side to J; in there somewhere, under all that rough biker bullshit.
Crystal nodded at him, “My favourite is pizza,” she said in a timid little voice.
J smiled at her and said, “Okay, I’ll order that. You go and sit with Madison while Brooke and I organise dinner.” His tenderness was killing me. He was so hot and cold; one minute so angry with me that he was saying shit I didn’t know he had in him, and now this; this sweet talk to a child.
He stood and motioned for Brooke to follow him into the kitchen, leaving Crystal and I alone to talk. I hadn’t seen her in over three years but before that we had been almost as close as a mother and daughter. Bec had been raising her kids on her own and I was her support, helping her out with money, babysitting and anything else she needed. Coming back into Crystal’s life now, after three years, I had been worried that she might not remember me but I was relieved that she did.
I took her hand and led her to the couch. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry that I haven’t been here for you. Not only now but also for the last couple of years. Things happened, and your Mum and I...”
She cut me off, “Mum told me that she never wanted to see you again. I know it wasn’t you that didn’t want to see me.” Her big green eyes looked so sad and I could tell that she was close to tears.
I nodded, “I need you to know that I am here for you now, baby. I won’t leave you alone. Do you understand that?”
She started crying and I used every ounce of control to stay strong for her. The last thing she needed now was me crying with her; she needed to know that I was strong enough for the both of us, that I would get her through this. I pulled her to me and hugged her, letting her cry. Crystal had always been a tough little girl, fiercely independent and I hadn’t seen her cry much over the years. She tended to bottle her feelings up and tried not to let us see what she was going through. I think it was her way of coping with all the crazy shit she had witnessed in her life. Bec had been as good a mother as she could be, but the men she had gotten herself involved with had often brought the crazy to her life and as a result the kids felt it too. Having grown up in the club lifestyle myself, I could always see why Crystal shut herself off like that because I had done the same as a child.
We sat there quietly, me holding her while she sobbed. I wondered if this was the first time she had let herself feel her grief. A week ago she had her family. Now she had no one. No one but me and a club of bikers, who would, I guessed, do anything to protect her. In that moment, I knew that I would make damn sure they protected her. Even if it meant moving back here; the place I had sworn never to return to.
***
Dinner was strained but Brooke, J and I did our best to keep it friendly for Crystal’s sake. After dinner we moved back to the living room and watched some television. Crystal was subdued and fairly exhausted so Brooke suggested she have a shower and go to bed early. She agreed and headed off to the bathroom while Brooke went to clean up the kitchen. This left J and I alone, and we sat in silence watching the television. I had no idea what we were watching because my mind was racing with so many questions; not only about Crystal but also about him and me. He had totally confused me with his angry outburst earlier.
I looked over at him and found that he was watching me. He didn’t break eye contact, just continued to watch me. It unsettled me; I didn’t know what he was thinking anymore. When we were together I used to be able to read him most of the time but now, over two years later, I had no idea what was running through his mind. Hell, maybe I never knew him as well as I thought I did. He had, after all, told me to leave just when I thought we had a chance to be together again.
I finally broke the silence. “Have you guys found Nix yet?” I went with an easy question.
“No, but Scott’s got a lead so he is chasing that up tonight,” he answered.
“What’s the plan for Crystal? Do you think she is safe here?”
He dragged his hand through his hair and sighed, “We’ve got two guys watching the house. We’re doing what we can to keep her safe.”
“How long will she stay here with Brooke?”
“She will be living with Brooke now. It was what Bec wanted,” he said quietly, keeping a steady gaze on me. He was watching for my reaction because he knew it wouldn’t be pretty.
I shot out of the chair and turned my angry glare on him. “What the fuck, J? Why would she do that?” I yelled at him.
He reacted sharply, standing and grabbing my arm. “Keep your voice down, Madison,” he snapped, “Bec and Brooke were close after you left, it’s definitely what she wanted.”
I yanked my arm out of his grip. “Well, I’m going to be around to help so Brooke will just have to deal with that.”
He looked stunned. “You’re staying? For good?”
I nodded, still coming to grips with my decision. “Yes.”
J just stood there, not saying anything, but I could feel the tension thick in the air. Again, I could not work out what he was thinking but my heart was seizing up because I was pretty sure he didn’t want me to stay. And it pissed me off at the same time. I didn’t want to feel this way; we were done and I had moved on. Caring what he thought wasn’t in my best interest. It was time to shut these feelings down.
“Yes, J, like it or not, I am staying so you had better get used to it. And, first order of fucking business is for my father and brother to tell me what the hell has been going on around here while I’ve been gone. I’m sick of all this secrecy bullshit.” I turned and stormed out of the house, in desperate need of a smoke.
***
Ten minutes later I was considerably calmer, having had two cigarettes and some time to give myself a pep talk. J was smart enough to give me that space to get my head together and I was just about to head back inside when he stepped outside.
“You’ve missed a call,” he said, handing me my phone before going back inside.
I checked to see who had called and smiled wh
en I saw it was Serena. Shit, I was supposed to call her when we arrived. I called her back and waited for her to answer.
“Bitch, I was worried!” she screeched.
“Honey, calm down. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I got sidetracked by Scott and Dad who are being their usual bossy selves. And, god, don’t get me started on J.”
“Oh, please do get started on J,” she quipped.
I laughed and just like that, she had broken through my anger and hurt and reminded me just how much I needed her in my life. “He is making me crazy!”
“Mmmm, what is he doing? Besides getting your girl bits in a tizz?”
“He basically said that if I hadn’t dated Nix, none of this would be happening. He blames me for Bec and Georgie’s deaths,” I answered her, the words tearing at my heart.
“Wow. Holy shit. He might be a hot guy but what an asshole,” she said, “I hope you told him where to go.”
“He caught me off guard. I never expected him to say something like that to me. He is confusing the hell out of me. One minute he says horrible things like that, but at other times it feels like he still cares. I just don’t know what to make of it.”
“Just keep him at a distance, okay. Do what you went there to do, and then you can come home and forget all about him again,” she suggested, not realising that this option wasn’t possible anymore.
I sighed. “I wish I could, honey, but I’ve made a decision. I’m going to move back here to be close to Crystal and look out for her.”
“I thought you might decide to do that. You’re a good woman, Madison Cole, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, especially not J,” she said, and I loved her a little more for her unconditional support.
“I’m going to miss you. Maybe you should move here too,” I said, meaning every word.
“Never say never, huh. Gonna visit you real soon, though,” she replied, “And I’ll kick J’s ass if he is being a fucker to you.”
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