His face tightened. “We were never together.”
“Still,” I said. “We were starting something, I don’t know what, but I left without a word and it wasn’t right.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Mackenzie. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter!” I inched closer to his face. “Drop the tough guy act and be real with me, Bash. We fucked, and then I fucked you over. I led you on and then I disappeared.”
He growled. “Your point?”
“My point is that I miss you.” The words came out so quick, I couldn’t take them back. I shut my eyes, wishing I could turn back time. It wasn’t what I had wanted to say.
I peered up at him as he stood from his seat—those broad shoulders towering over me. My mouth watered as I salivated for one last night with him. It was wrong. It wasn’t fair to him, but those sapphire eyes blazed with a want that was all too familiar.
“What do you want from me, Mackenzie?”
I gulped. “I can’t promise you anything, but I need you.” I didn’t have to explain myself, he knew what I wanted.
Sebastian strode over to me in two steps and lifted me up. My legs wrapped around his middle, latching on to him with such fervor I moaned as I felt him. My hands roamed over his shoulders, up his neck and through his hair, giving it a slight tug.
He growled before his lips crashed onto mine. We clashed with such force, my body trembled as Bash walked us out of his office. I was too busy kissing my way across his jaw, down his neck, and back up to that sensitive spot by his ear, to see where he was going. All I heard was the slamming of a door before it met my back. He gripped my ass, grinding himself onto me. I threw my head back, it pounded on the door as I squeezed my eyes shut in ecstasy. My shirt and bra were the first to go. The sound of the material tearing was a distant thought as his lips and tongue met my breast. I moaned louder.
Bash set me on the ground and flipped me over, my face meeting the door. He unbuckled my jeans and pulled them down in one swift movement. My glazed eyes cleared some, and I was able to take in the room we were in while he undressed. We were in his bedroom. I’d never been here.
My wandering eyes came to a halt as Bash pulled my hips back. I screamed as he entered me from behind. Each thrust went harder and harder as he held onto my waist and my claws extended, gripping the wooden door.
“Mackenzie,” he growled as our skin slapped against one another and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. The outside world disappeared and all that was left was the sensation of him.
With one last thrust, he pulled out and picked me up like a feather. Throwing me onto his bed. His body loomed over me, as those blue eyes ravaged my body vibrating with want.
“Sebastian,” I moaned as I reached for him. “Don’t hold back.”
He didn’t.
I stirred awake, careful not to disturb the sleeping wolf behind me. His body curled around mine, his lips on my back with his thick arm holding on to me. I savored each calming breath he took. Bash was always on edge, on alert as Alpha, I’d never seen him so relaxed—so peaceful.
I smiled at all the wonderful aches and each touch that still lingered on my skin. Last night had been…otherworldly. I remembered it all as I let him take full control over me. I hadn’t been able to do that before, so soon after Logan, but I didn’t want our last time to be restricted. I wanted to give him everything, and he took it all.
With stealth I slipped from under him and took one of the bedsheets to wrap myself with. My barefeet padded around his bedroom and I twirled around, taking in the dim room. There were no windows and only a lamp at his bedside. The light was on and I stared at the four-poster, King-size bed. It must have been bigger because he looked so small on it.
There wasn’t much in the room but a fur rug by the fireplace with a recliner in front of it—a table was beside the chair and it held a stack of books. Other than that, there was a closet and the bathroom. Our clothes had been discarded by the entrance and I went over to start getting dressed.
“Leaving again?”
I looked over at him as he sat up from his bed. His face tight, but those eyes showed utter disappointment. It gutted me.
“I have to go before they come looking for me,” I rasped as I picked up my torn shirt and undergarments and realized none of them were useable anymore. Great. The only piece of clothing intact were my jeans.
He stood, his naked body coming toward me and I froze. I didn’t think I could say no to him, but he bypassed me to the dresser. He opened a drawer and pulled out a gray t-shirt.
“Here,” he tossed it to me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled as I let the bed sheet fall to the ground. I hadn’t thought everything through as a small yelp escaped me when Bash picked me up and threw me on the bed again. This time it wasn’t to play. He held his lamp over my hip and gazed at the burned skin where my tattoo had been. The scarring was there, but in the dimness of the room, it was barely visible.
“What happened?” He growled.
“Nothing,” I said as I tried to stand but he pinned me to the bed.
“What. Happened.” His muscles rippled with unrestraint and I needed to defuse the situation before the truth spilled out of me.
“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” I gritted as I palmed his bare chest, pushing him away. “Now I have to go, so get out of my way.” This time he moved.
“You’re not protected anymore, Mackenzie. What happened to your tattoo?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Damn it, Mackenzie!” He yelled and I heard a slight crack in his voice.
“I told you no promises,” I whispered as I finished getting dressed. “This,” I cleared my throat. “This was the last time.”
His face fell as my words penetrated. I felt like such a bitch. I used him.
“Get out,” he said in a low growl.
“Sebastian—”
“I said, GET OUT!” He roared. I flinched from the pain in his voice and obvious anger that he had.
With my arms crossed over my chest, I ran out of the basement before the Pack came looking for their Alpha and whatever threat lingered. Jackson wouldn’t have any qualms tearing me a new one. I’d been too consumed in my own thoughts, my eyes still adjusting to the early morning sun when I slammed into someone. With squinted eyes, I peered up to see Cassidy.
“Good morning,” he deadpanned. “I’ve been running around this whole damn city looking for you—”
“I—” I started to cry.
So many emotions swirled inside of me and I couldn’t believe what I had done. I nearly collapsed but Cas was there to hold me steady. Call me damsel, because I was in distress. I seriously needed to get it together.
“Kenz,” he whispered as he held my head to his chest. I gripped his shirt as the floodgates let loose. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”
Cassidy didn’t leave my side. The moment we got to my apartment, he set me up on the sofa, turned on the TV and made coffee. He didn’t hound me with any questions as to what happened, but he stayed with me. A quiet presence of support that I appreciated more than words could express.
Alexander checked in on us a few times that morning and into the afternoon. I hadn’t moved from the sofa, but Cas took each one of the King’s calls.
After our Chinese food was delivered, we spread out the food on my coffee table and I broke the silence.
“I was gonna do it,” I said as I stared down the beef lo mein. “I was gonna kill myself.”
“I know,” he said.
My eyes glossed over. “I—I can’t live like this, Cas. I can’t carry anymore deaths.”
“I won’t pretend to understand, Kenz. I can’t imagine having the kind of burden you carry, but what I do know is that dying won’t solve any of this,” he said. “They’ll just find another way. There’s always another way. The easiest solution is the hardest, Mackenzie. Don’t take the easy way out.”
He was right. Fuck.
He was absolutely right.
“Kenzie,” he started. “You’ve been through a lot. More than anyone should ever go through, and unfortunately, you still have much to go. But you need to start healing. If you keep putting it off, it’s only going to get worse.”
17
“I didn’t think you’d be coming back so soon,” Dr. Jones said as I walked into her office. Her back was to me as she watered some of her plants. “We don’t have an appointment.”
I hadn’t been sure I was going to return to therapy, but I needed to. Now more than ever, I needed to talk to someone.
Cas was kind enough to give me space and waited outside the building. With his hearing, he could listen in from the waiting room, so he gave me privacy.
“I lied,” I said. “I don’t know how to fix anything.”
Dr. Jones only nodded and directed me to the lounge where we had our last session. This time I didn’t lie down and cover my face. This time I looked her dead in the eyes and released everything inside of me.
“Last time we discussed the massacre of the Lunas and how you figured out how to fix all the wrong you believe you’ve done,” she started.
“Yeah,” I croaked.
“But that isn’t why you’ve come today, is it?”
I felt sick to my stomach.
“Are you ill?” Dr. Jones inquired.
I’d forgotten she was an empath and felt everything I did. I swallowed a few times to control the bile that wanted to come up and took a few deep breaths.
“No. Not really.” She waved her hand for me to continue. “I went to see Sebastian Steel, the Alpha of the Brooklyn Pack the other night.”
“He is the one you had an affair with?”
“Yes. When we returned from Scotland, I told him I needed space and would call him later…I never did.”
“Why did you need space?”
I shut my eyes and went back a year ago.
“When I led the revolution, I killed so many people. Not only the ones I killed with my bare hands, but the people I led into battle. Many died that day.”
“That is quite the burden to hold, Ms. Grey, you understand that you didn’t make anyone do anything. The ones who fought beside you and against you, made those decisions on their own.”
I frowned. “I know that. Logically, I know it’s not my fault, but the blame is still there. I dream about their faces, I see them when I walk in the streets. I can hear their screams in the quiet. They’re everywhere. A constant reminder of what I’ve done.”
“We all have darkness within us, Ms. Grey.”
“I’ve done horrible things.”
“Like?”
I couldn’t tell her about my link to the Fae realm and the ongoing investigation, even though I was sure she felt the missing parts I did not share.
“Like the other night when I went to Sebastian for comfort.”
Dr. Jones jotted something down in her notepad.
“I know what he wants from me, but I can’t give him that.”
“What does he want?” She quirked her head.
“He wants forever.”
“Has he told you this?”
“No—”
“Then how do you know?”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “He’s a freakin’ Lycan Alpha! He wants a Luna to mate with, that’ll have his babies, and stand by his side as he rules his Pack. I can’t be that!”
“Has he told you this, or are these your insecurities?”
That was like a slap in the face. She knew how I felt even if I didn’t know it.
Dr. Jones put her notepad down on the coffee table, and leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees.
“Mackenzie, it is normal to feel the way you do. I don’t need these sessions to tell me what you have endured. Rumors of your…battles—for a lack of a better word—are remarkable and sad in the same token. You’ve given so much and have received so little. Yet, the world still desires to take more from you. The real question you need to ask yourself is whether you’re going to let it.”
“I’m not following,” I muttered.
“You’re a fighter, Ms. Grey. Always have been, but you need to stop fighting yourself. Not everything is your fault.”
“I can’t—”
“Sure you can. Maybe not right now, but you can start. The healing process won’t be easy, but if you’re as strong as the legends say, then you will find peace.”
“What do I do?”
Dr. Jones smiled. “Don’t expect everyone to forgive you—forgive yourself. And most importantly, Mackenzie Grey, live. Don’t forget to live.”
“How’d it go?” Cas said as I met him outside where he waited for me. “I’ve never seen an empath before, but I’ve heard its unnerving.”
“It is. She knows more about me than I know.”
Cas shook his head. “That’s creepy.”
“It helps. Having someone weave through my emotions and help me understand them, helps.”
“So…?”
I chuckled. “So, I have a standing appointment with her once a week. I’m not magically cured, but I’m willing to accept her help. Someone,” I nudged him, “told me I should accept help when offered.”
He grinned. “Good. I’m glad. No suicidal thoughts?”
I slapped him. “I wasn’t suicidal, damn it!”
It was his turn to laugh. “Well, what else would you call it?”
“A sacrifice? I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It wasn’t like I wanted to die. I still have a ton of stuff on my Netflix queue that I have to watch before its my time to go.”
We were both laughing so much that we didn’t see it coming. A hooded figure grabbed my shirt from behind and threw me back. I rolled across the sidewalk, my arms taking most of the brunt.
“Mackenzie!” Cas yelled and I looked up in time to find him restrained by a force I couldn’t see. Another hooded figure held its hands over Cas, holding him in place. The one who had tossed me like a rag doll walked toward me. My arms bled from the road rash.
“Mortem, mortem, mortem,” the hooded figure chanted. That was my first clue: this was a witch. With no protection, I rolled away from where her hands aimed, knowing mortem meant death in latin. I guess I did pay attention in high school.
“What are you doing?” I exclaimed as I took cover behind one of the big blue mail drops.
“We’re ending it. No more deaths. No more Fae. It ends with you, Mackenzie Grey,” she said. “Mortem, mortem, mortem!”
Fuck. The witches knew about my link. There was no way I’d be able to fight them off without protection from their magic.
“This would be a good time for a vision,” I muttered to myself. Something exploded behind me and I went flying, face first as metal debris from the mail drop rained over me. I gasped for clean air as a cloud of gray smoke encircled me. I crawled away from the explosion, pieces of shrapnel falling over my face. I could feel the cuts opening as I tried to escape. “Not again,” I groaned.
The smoke dissipated and someone stood over me. It didn’t take long for me to notice the pointed ears. He pulled an arrow from his back and placed it on his bow. He let it rain on the witches, letting arrows fly with ease. He was…defending me.
The Fae turned around to face me and smirked. “You’re welcome,” he said before running off.
Within seconds, Cassidy dropped beside me and helped me up.
“What the hell just happened?” He said, scanning our surroundings for anymore threats.
I gulped. “I’m under the protection of the Fae.”
We called a meeting in the squad room to relay what happened. There was a mole in our organization and it didn’t take Bill Nye to figure out who the hell it was.
“Mackenzie!” Alexander exclaimed as he came to me, gripping my shoulders and scanning my body for injuries.
“I’m fine,” I pulled myself away. “They’re all superficial.” I wasn’t hurt, my ego was more bruised than anything else. If it hadn�
�t been for that Fae, I would have gotten the death wish I’d been on the hunt for.
“We were attacked by two witches,” Cassidy said to Briggs. “They know about the link.”
“How the hell—” Briggs started.
“How do you think?” I deadpanned. “Amara herself said one of her coven sisters was the latest victim. Do you think she’d be able to stand by idly? I know I wouldn’t.”
“Damn it!” Briggs exclaimed. I didn’t blame her, but the sting of betrayal from someone you trusted was still there. I hadn’t seen it coming.
“She is to be tried by Lycan law!” Alexander demanded.
“That is not how it works,” Briggs told him. “You’re in my jurisdiction, King.”
Alex scoffed. “She did nae set an attack on any wolf. She threatened a MacCoinnich—the future Queen of the Lycan!”
“Before you aim pitchforks at anyone,” Briggs gritted. “We have to find out if Amara is the mole. She is innocent until proven guilty!”
“Alexander,” I whispered, holding his arm before he lost his shit. “Relax. We’ll figure it out.”
His gray eyes softened and he nodded.
“A Fae showed up in time to kill both of the witches,” Cassidy continued. “They’re protecting Mackenzie.”
Ranulf grunted. “I’m nae surprised. They need her.”
Amara entered the conference room in that moment and I tightened my grip on Alexander as he growled at her.
“What is going on?” She murmured as she took in everyone’s gaze and her eyes widened when they landed on me.
“Mackenzie was attacked by witches,” Briggs scowled. “Do you know anything about it?”
She paled. “No! Of course not,” she said quickly. “I swear, I had nothing to do with it, I haven’t told a soul about the investigation.”
Amara’s heartbeat was steady, making Alexander and Ranulf relax, but there was something in the witch’s eyes that made me doubt her. When she walked in the room, she was more surprised at the sight of me than anything else, surprised that I was still alive.
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