by Anna B. Doe
“Only if you want to come.”
We stare at each other for what feels like forever. Do I want to go? In the past, I attended because I was cheering the team from the sidelines. It was what I did. Ben never had to ask me to come, it was expected I’d be there, his number painted on my cheek. But this, this is different, it feels different.
He wants me to come.
“Okay,” I whisper with a nod. Then I lay my head back on his chest and turn toward the screen.
“Okay?” His grip on me tightens, his body stiff underneath mine. “That’s it?”
“I’ll come, but only if I get to keep this.”
“Fine,” he grumbles his agreement, but from the way his body relaxes underneath mine, his hands gliding over my back, I know he likes it.
We stay like that for a little while longer, just laying down and watching the game play out on the screen until my leg starts cramping.
Patting Hayden’s hand, I start to stand again. “I wouldn’t mind stretching my legs.”
Reluctantly, he lets me scramble to my feet. I lift my arms in the air, extending them above me. My whole body tightens before it slowly starts to relax.
We’ve been cocooned on the couch for hours, the sun long set behind the horizon.
After Grams fed us lunch, we shooed her out of the kitchen. She did all the cooking, refusing any attempt at help from me or the guys, but we were adamant on not letting her move a finger once the lunch—which was more like a feast—was done.
Hayden’s uncle joined us for a little bit. He was a quiet guy, barely said a few words, and he was in and out of the house before you could even register he was there at all.
I walk toward the window that’s overlooking the backyard, peeking outside.
“Oh my God,” I whisper on an exhale, my eyes glued to the darkness.
“What?” Hayden looks at me over his shoulder.
“It’s snowing!” I bounce on the balls of my feet excitedly, moving a bit closer, so close my nose is touching the cool glass and my warm breath fogging it slightly.
“Ummm… it’s New England. It snows all the time.” Zane shrugs, not even bothering to turn my way.
Rolling my eyes at their nonchalance, I get back to observing the outside. The white fluff started to stick to the ground, just barely, but enough to be noticeable, and big, white snowflakes keep sliding off the sky.
So pretty. My smile falls a little when the image of the snow globe with a dancer spinning in the middle of the square pops up in my mind. A birthday present from my dad when I was nine. I close my eyes for a second, reminding myself to breathe deep. It’s a happy memory. And with all the bad ones that keep coming back over and over, I should enjoy the good ones any chance I get.
I wonder what happened to it? It’s still probably somewhere in the house.
My aunt wanted to sell it after they died, but there was no way in hell I’d ever let her do it. It was my house, our home, and I wasn’t getting rid of it anytime soon even though I couldn’t bring myself to go there. One day, maybe.
A finger runs over my forehead, smoothing the lines between my brows. My eyes pop open to find Hayden staring at me.
“Why that face?”
A shrug is my only answer. I don’t want to taint this moment of happiness, so I turn around to look out the window.
“I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen the snow,” I whisper, leaning against his chest. I can feel more than hear his rumble in acknowledgment. “It’s been years. I forgot how pretty it looks. How peaceful.”
“You won’t think that tomorrow when we have to pack and drive back to campus.”
He’s probably right, but right now, I didn’t want to think about it. Instead I wrap my finger around his forearms, enjoying the warmth of Hayden’s body pressed against mine and watch the snow fall.
“Do you think there’ll be enough snow by the morning to make a snowman?” I ask absentmindedly.
“You want to build a snowman?” Hayden asks, a note of laughter in his voice.
“What?” I look over my shoulder at him. “I told you I haven’t seen snow in forever.”
He shakes his head, laughing softly. “Trust me, you’ll get sick of it by the end of winter.”
“I don’t know about that.” I glance through the window. The serenity of the scenery calming something inside of me. I could do this all day, just stand next to the window and watch it fall.
“Let’s go,” Hayden says suddenly, turning me around in his arms.
I frown. “Go where?”
“Out.”
He gives me one of those boyish smiles I can’t seem to be able to resist.
“It’s probably freezing.”
“That’s usually what it takes for snow to fall.”
Rolling my eyes at him, I give in. Together we go to the foyer to grab our coats and boots. Hayden even helps me wrap my scarf tightly around my neck to keep me warm.
Still, as soon as we get outside, the crisp, late November air bites at my cheeks. The houses here are further apart so only the faint porch light illuminates the space.
I stop just when I reach the railing surrounding the porch and inhale deeply. The fresh air and smell of evergreen trees entering my lungs, and just like before, the sense of calm washes over me.
At some point, Hayden moves closer, wrapping his arms around me. Together we stand like that and watch the snow fall.
“It’s so beautiful here,” I whisper, breaking the silence. “Makes me wish we could stay here forever.”
“We can always come back.”
My heart skips a beat at his statement.
We can always come back.
How can something so simple hold so much meaning? I stopped dreaming about the future three years ago. At first it was hard to even think about waking up in the morning when all I wanted to do was sleep and never wake up at all. But over time I accepted my destiny. Accepted the life I was forced to live without people I loved the most in it. But I never started to dream again. Until now. Hayden… he makes me want to dream again. He makes me want to have a different future. Believe I can actually have it. That I deserve it.
I look over my shoulder, our gazes meeting. I lift my chin a little and he kisses me. Slow and sensual. My heart beats rapidly as he claims my mouth over and over again. His warm breath tickles my skin, tongue expertly swiping inside in an erotic dance I can’t resist.
“Hayden,” I breathe as we break the kiss. His forehead touches mine, our hard breaths mingling in the small space between us.
“Yes, angel?” He tucks a runaway strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers grazing the side of my face.
“Dance with me?”
Without hesitation, he puts his hand in mine. I lead him down the steps on the snow peppered grass. Snowflakes dance around us, sticking to our hair and clothes, but neither of us cares.
Hayden wraps his arms around me, just like we were shown in the dance class, and then it’s just him and I, dancing to our own music, and for a moment, everything is perfect. There is no past or future, no grief, guilt, or demons haunting us.
There is only us.
Only now.
And my heart… it feels whole again.
“Callie?” Hayden asks after a while.
I lift my gaze to find him looking at me. There is an intensity in his green irises that haven’t been there before. Something I’m not sure how to interpret. Not sure if I even want to.
“Yeah?”
He stops moving, letting me go out of his arms. The only connection left are our intertwined fingers.
White puff of air appears as he breathes out nervously. “After the exams are done, there will be a Christmas ball. I want you to go with me.”
With everything that’s been happening, I completely forgot about that.
“Like a… date?”
“Like a date.” He grins widely. “I might even put on my dance moves if you want to.”
I shake my head,
chuckling as I watch him shake his hips. “When you put it like that, how can a girl resist?”
Closing the distance between us, he leans down, his lips nuzzling mine. “So you’ll go with me?”
My whole body trembles in anticipation. “Yes,” I breathe. “I’ll go with you.”
Only then does he kiss me.
Chapter Forty-Four
CALLIE
“Want to go with me to Bright Haven?” Yasmin asks, throwing the last of her things in the backpack and pulling the zipper. I swear she could kill somebody with that thing if the need arose.
“Sorry, can’t do.” Yasmin’s smile falls a little. “Maybe another time?” I offer and this time I actually mean it. I’m not sure what I’d do there, but they could find something for me to help with, right?
That perks her up a little. “Sure thing!” She gives me a curious glance. “Where are you off to anyway? A date with Mr. Hottie?”
I roll my eyes at her. “No.”
“What then?”
“I…” I wet my suddenly dry lips before speaking. “I’m going to see a therapist.” She looks confused for a bit so I add, “To talk about the accident.”
“Oh, that’s amazing Callie!” Her smile is so big it’s almost blinding, her excitement palpable.
My fingers itch to fidget with my hair, but I fist them to stop myself from doing it. “Yeah, figured it’s time.”
Something inside of me clicked that day at Hayden’s house, making me realize I need to deal with my past if I want to be able to give Hayden one hundred percent of me like he deserves it. I hoped this was the step in the right direction.
Yasmin grabs my hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. “It is. You deserve to be happy, Callie. Your parents would want that for you.”
A part of me knows it. They loved me and they always wanted what’s best for me. Accepting it, and moving past the guilt that was eating at me, that was the hard part, but maybe, just maybe, I could do it.
HAYDEN
Our Thanksgiving was cut short because Coach wanted us on campus early so we can watch film and prepare a game plan for the rivalry game that’s just around the corner. We were facing our biggest opponent—Eastwood College—and everything was at stake. So far we were on a winning streak and only a few games were between us and playoffs, which would ultimately lead us to the national championship.
The pressure was intense, but for the first time ever I felt like everything is just right as it’s supposed to be.
“What do you see?” Coach asks, pausing the video for what seems like a hundredth time today. We were reviewing the video of the last few games Eastwood played to get ready for our game. Then we were suiting up to get on the field for a two hour long practice if not more. I’ll be happy if I manage to drag my ass home on my own two feet. The only light at the end of a day full of classes, gym, and practice is that Callie will be coming later tonight. I managed to get her to stay the weekend after we returned on Friday so she’s not all alone in the dorm, and although she went back there, I somehow convinced her to come and stay the nights at my place even after.
“What do you see?” Coach repeats, clearly exasperated with our lack of response.
Pushing the thoughts of Callie out of my mind, I concentrate on the paused play on the wall.
“Rewind it,” I say, leaning forward, my eyes still glued to the screen.
Coach pushes the button and the video starts again. Both teams are standing on the kickoff line, but it’s only the guys in blue and gold colors that interest me at this moment. I watch as the ball is snapped, the quarterback goes into the pocket, looking for an opening.
“There.” I point at the screen. Coach pauses the video, all eyes looking at the screen.
“It’s small,” Coach says, looking at the opening. Something he must have noticed from the very beginning, but still wanted to see if we’d catch it.
“It’s enough to get that motherfucker down,” I shrug, and a few grunts in agreement spread through the room.
“It’ll have to be. They got a new quarterback and he’s known to throw some nasty spirals.”
“Not if he’s eating the grass,” Emmett chuckles, cracking his knuckles.
“Who’s the new guy?” this comes from Nix.
Coach looks down at the clipboard in his hand, although I’m sure he knows the guy’s name by heart. He makes it his point to know that shit.
“Benjamin Jones.”
My whole body goes still, totally unprepared to hear that name. That fucking name. I haven’t seen or heard about him in years. We’ve played in different divisions so our paths never crossed, and now this? My past and present are intertwining once again, and I’m not sure if I like it one bit. First Callie coming here and now Ben. What next?
Nixon elbows me in the gut and gives me a chin lift as if to ask what the fuck’s on my mind. I simply shake my head, not wanting to talk about it.
“Now, what I want you to do…” Coach uncaps the marker and goes to the whiteboard where he draws out the play. For the next fifteen minutes, that’s what I concentrate on. And when he tells us to go and suit up, I do just that. Leaving all my frustrations out on the field. If I have to face my worst enemy, I’m going to make damn sure my team leaves that field as the winners.
Chapter Forty-Five
CALLIE
A soft purring sound awakes me. It takes a moment for my brain to start functioning properly, but even before that I already know where I am.
The car.
I’m back inside the car. And not just any car. That car.
Although it’s the last thing I want to do, I blink the blurriness away and look around me, the fear of what’s coming settling deep in my soul. I try to focus, but it’s so hard. My heartbeat kicks up a notch as the panic sets in.
I’m sitting straight. The familiar pressure digging between my breasts—seat belt.
I can’t drive. I haven’t driven since… no, I can’t.
My grip tightens around something. I look down at the steering wheel I’m holding onto for dear life, my knuckles white.
Gulping the lump that formed in my throat, I return my gaze to the road.
Why am I back here? I don’t want to be back here.
It all feels familiar. Too familiar, but at the same time, it’s not.
I look at the road in front of me. The setting sun is coloring the sky in different shades of oranges, pinks, and reds, still strong enough to blind me. The AC is blasting, the cool breeze from the vents hitting my face, but it does nothing to help with the cold sweat drenching my skin and plastering my clothes to my body.
The panic wants to overtake, but I push it back.
Maybe this time it’ll be different. Maybe this time I’ll manage to change something. Save them.
My parents.
They’re the only good thing about these nightmares. I know they’re dead. I know there is no getting them back. And although I hate the nightmares, a part of me can’t help but crave them too.
Because for a moment, I get to go back.
For a moment, I get to see my parents.
I’d take their anger and disappointment in me any day of the week just to have them for a little bit longer before reality kicks in.
And then everything will be ripped to shreds all over again.
“Callie?”
I jerk at the sound of my name. The hair at the nape of my neck rises, a shiver running through my body.
No, no, no, no…
I look to the passenger seat, my heart sinking even further when I see the person sitting next to me.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen.
Not like this. Not him. Anybody but him.
“What are you doing here?” I demand, my gaze darting between the road and Hayden sitting in the passenger seat.
He shouldn’t be here. He can’t be here.
I look at the rearview mirror, but it’s empty.
Where are my parents? They should be here,
not Hayden.
The prickling feeling returns. The unease burning inside of me. Something has changed, all right, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.
Another quick glance at him.
“What are you doing here?” I demand louder, emphasizing every single word, the panic rising.
Hayden smiles, but it does nothing to put me at ease. “What are you talking about?”
“You shouldn’t be here.” I return my gaze back to the road, refusing to look at the clock. It’ll happen. I know it will. And soon. This isn’t right. “This is not how it’s supposed to happen,” I repeat, this time louder. My hand curls into a fist and I pound at the steering wheel. “Not you.”
“Hey.” His hand lands on my thigh, giving it a firm squeeze. I look at him, I can’t not look. He’s smiling, a few lines appearing in the corner of his eyes as the dimple pops in the side of his mouth. “It’s okay, Callie. You can do this. Nothing will…”
Hayden tries to reassure me, but he doesn’t get to finish. The headlights blind me. It’s sudden and expected at the same time. Right and wrong.
A car crashes into us, the metal scrapes loudly as we’re shoved away with such force that leaves me breathless.
“Hayden!” A tear slides down my cheek as the rain of shattered glass falls over us.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
It wasn’t supposed to be him.
But it is, and once again, it’s all my fault.
HAYDEN
“Callie?” I wrap my arms around her thrashing body, holding her closer to my chest. “Angel, wake up.”
I cup her cheek, my thumb sliding over her silky skin and pushing away the hair that got in her face from all the thrashing. I figured she’s just restless, it happens occasionally, but this time it’s different. Not only is she more restless than usual, but she also started murmuring something. Quietly at first, so quietly I couldn’t decipher her words, until they became louder.
Pleads for something or somebody to stop.
