by Anna B. Doe
And then the darkness.
Blissful, numbing darkness.
A sob rips out of my lungs as my knees give up underneath me. I slide down to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
What I would give for darkness to claim me right now. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. My heart that has just started to heal feels like it’s been ripped apart all over again, but this time, it hurts ten times more.
“Callie?”
Completely startled, I pry my eyes open, only to find Yasmin sitting next to me, a worried expression on her face.
“What’s wrong?”
Almost hysterical laughter comes out of me but is soon replaced by another sob.
What’s wrong? At this point, the better questions would be what’s right. At least the answer would be much shorter—nothing. Nothing is right. How could it be?
Hayden knew what happened, and he hadn’t told me. The guy that was slowly becoming my whole world, the guy who I was falling in love with, kept such a big secret from me.
I cover my mouth to prevent another sob from coming out.
God, how did this happen? Everything was going so well and now… now it’s over. We’re over. And this time, there is no coming back.
“Callie? You’re scaring me.”
“He lied to me,” I huff a breath of air. “Well, he hid the truth, which is basically the same.”
“Who did?” she asks, still confused, a line between her brows deepening.
“Who do you think? Hayden.”
Her eyes grow wide for a moment, and she seems genuinely surprised. Welcome to the club, girl.
“How? What?”
Tugging the sleeves of my shirt over my palms, I wipe at my tear-stained cheeks. “He found out who drove the other car the day of the accident and he didn’t tell me.”
“What?!” Yasmin all but shrieks.
More tears come as the words sink in.
He didn’t tell me his father…
I shake my head. I can’t even finish it. Out of all the people, why did it have to be him?
“But how did he know?”
“I don’t know! Dammit!” I inhale one shaky breath, my head falling back and hitting the door. “He knew, and the look on his face… God Yasmin, the look on his face…”
I let my head bang against the door one more time, embracing the physical pain. Anything just to dull this ache in my chest that only seems to grow by the second.
“Maybe there was some kind of mistake,” she tries to reason. “Maybe…”
“It isn’t a mistake.” I can only wish it is.
“Are you sure? Did you go and check it? How the hell didn’t you even know?” she shoots question after question at me, trying to make sense of it all.
“I never wanted to know at the time. I was the only one who survived and they were gone. I felt guilty because I was driving and we were fighting. I…”
“Then what changed? Why does it matter now?”
“Because it was his father!” I shout back at her. Yasmin falls on her ass, completely surprised with my outburst. Not like I have it in me to care. “It was his father who was in the other car,” I repeat, this time more calmly, tears streaming down my cheeks.
The words ring in the room, condemning us like a curse.
This… this was never supposed to have happened at all.
The words I told Hayden earlier echo in my mind. I should have known it would be too good to be true. That there was no way I would be forgiven so easily for what I have done. Why did I even think I could get out of it so easily? Just move on with my life and be happy? Yeah, right. I dared to hope, dared to dream and this is what happens. My life is ripped from under me once again, only this time my wounds are so deep there is no way I’ll ever be able to heal them.
“Dios mío, Callie,” Yasmin sighs, her face softening. “I’m so sorry.”
She leans forward and hugs me. I try to protest, but Yasmin doesn’t let me, instead her arms wrap tighter around me and I feel my walls crumble completely.
“Why did it have to be him?” I ask, the need to scream and punch something growing so strong it’s almost asphyxiating. “Out of all the people, why him?”
Suddenly feeling completely drained, I bury my face in her neck, letting her hold me. And then I let it all out.
I cry and scream and curse, not holding anything back.
All the time, Yasmin runs her hand up and down my back in a soothing manner, but it hurts. It hurts so much, because the last time somebody held me like that was Hayden. He held me when I was falling apart and through all this pain and hurt and betrayal, I still wish it was him holding me now too.
“I wish I could tell you, but I don’t know.”
“It’s not fair. We were happy. We…”
“Life is rarely fair.” There is a wistfulness in her tone that’s so unlike Yasmin.
“He should have told me.”
“Is that what’s bothering you? Or is it the fact that his father is the one who was driving the other car?”
“It’s both. He should have told me…”
“Why would he?”
I pull back, completely stunned by her response. “Why would he?”
“You never bothered to find out for yourself, why would he want to tell you? So he can hurt you all over again? For all he knew, you never would have tried to find out what exactly happened that night since you’ve been blaming yourself this whole time.” Yasmin reasons calmly.
“But what if I did?”
“But what if you died without ever trying to figure it out?” she challenges right back. Taking one deep breath, Yasmin continues. “There is no sense in playing the what-if game. There is no winner. He told you he was looking for the right moment to tell you, don’t you believe him?”
I close my eyes for a moment, willing the pain to go away. I want to believe him, but how can I?
“How can I? How can I know if what he’s saying is truth or lie? So much has happened in the last few months I don’t even know what to believe in.”
“It’s not what you should believe in, but who should you believe.” Her hands grip mine, giving me a little shake. “Do you believe in Hayden?”
Do I? I want to. I want to believe him so badly it hurts, but does it change anything? It was still his father who was driving the other car.
“Why does it matter? At the end of the day, one thing stays the same. That day we both lost our parents. Knowing that, how can there ever be something between us?”
I can see on her face that she wants to say something, but decides against it. Instead, she pulls me back into a hug and I let her. I let her hold me as I cry, mourning all that could have been if life wasn’t as cruel as it is all the time wishing things could be different.
Chapter Fifty-Two
HAYDEN
“What the hell happened out there?” Nixon corners me as soon as I get through the door. I hoped they’d all leave for a party somewhere, leaving me alone, but that was apparently too much to ask.
“Not now, Nix,” I say, rubbing at the back of my neck. “I’m not in the mood.”
“The fuck with your mood.” He grabs my shoulder pulling me to a stop. “You can’t do shit like that and expect me not to ask questions.”
I shove him off, growing more irritated by the second. “The fuck with you, man. What happened out there is none of your goddamn business.”
“You almost beat the shit out of the quarterback of our rival team right outside our stadium in front of at least a hundred people. It is my goddamn business, Watson. Don’t make me repeat myself. What was that shit? And how the fuck do you know Jones?”
Shoving him out of my way, I go straight to the kitchen and open the cupboard over the sink where we keep all the good booze. Grabbing the bottle of Johnny Walker, I unclasp it and drink straight from the bottle, embracing the burn in my throat.
“We played together in high school,” I say, looking
at the liquid swirling inside the bottle. “He was Callie’s boyfriend back then.”
“Fuck, you know I like Callie, but don’t tell me all this was because of some old rivalry.”
“I can only wish.” I rub at my throbbing temples. It was only a matter of time before it all blew up in my face, but I never expected it to happen so soon. I should have known better. The fuck with it, might as well tell him now. “He told Callie about the accident.”
“What about the accident?”
Fuck, might as well tell him now. As it is, the word about what happened will spread soon enough, if it didn’t already.
“She always blamed herself, so I figured she lost control and crashed into a tree or some shit, you know? Turns out, she didn’t. There was another car involved.” I take another long pull of the whiskey. “My dad died in a car accident.”
“What the fuck does that have to...” Nix trails off. I stay quiet, watching as the wheels turn in his head until it finally clicks. “No.”
“Oh, yeah.” I look down at the bottle, contemplating how much damage drinking the rest of the bottle would do. There was only half of it to begin with. Would it be enough to knock me out for a while? Would it be able to erase this tightness in my chest that only kept growing after I let Callie go?
“But how did you not know?”
Isn’t that the question of the day? I chuckle humorlessly at myself. Would it make any difference? If either of us knew? Bothered to find out?
Then probably none of this would have happened. There wouldn’t have been us to begin with. I’m not sure I like that outcome any more than this.
“My relationship with my father was practically non-existent at that point, so I never bothered to find out the details.” I shrug. “Callie, though, she always blamed herself.”
Nixon takes the bottle from my hands and following suit drinks straight out of it. Irritated, I wrestle the bottle out of his hand and bring it to my mouth. There is no way I’m sharing it with this monkey.
Nixon shakes his head but doesn’t try to take it away. “That’s some fucked up shit. How did Callie take it?”
“What do you think? She thinks I’ve been lying to her.”
“Have you?”
“Fuck, no. I only recently realized it myself. The other day when I went to see Grams?” Nix nods absentmindedly. “I went to get the answer straight from her. I needed to know for certain before saying anything to Callie. And then the fucktard Jones goes and tells her just to get a rise out of me.”
“Shit, now I wish I hadn’t stopped you from kicking his ass.”
“He had it a long time coming, that’s for sure.”
Not that I cared one bit about Ben. Punching him would have been satisfying but it wouldn’t take away the guilt and pain. It wouldn’t erase his words from Callie’s mind and make it all okay. And that’s the only thing I wanted. For Callie to be okay.
“How is she?” Nixon breaks the silence that settled over us.
“Surprised. Angry. Sad. Take your pick. She doesn’t want to see me, that’s for sure.”
Nixon huffs. “Like that’s ever stopped you.”
“This time it’s different.”
“How is it different?”
“My dad was the one responsible for the accident. I looked at the articles online. He was drunk and lost control over the car and crossed into their lane, taking them out straight on. Everybody was surprised Callie got out of it alive.”
I close my eyes as the images I saw of the wreck come back to haunt me. I’ll never be able to unsee the crumpled mass of metal her car had become. How anybody got out of it alive is a miracle.
“Your dad, not you.”
“Basically the same.”
“Only if you want to cower behind the fact.”
“You don’t get it. Callie…”
“Callie is in love with you just as much as you’re in love with her. Even a blind person can see it. Is this all fucked up? Sure, but that’s not an excuse for you to give up on her. So I ask you again, what the hell are you going to do?”
Chapter Fifty-Three
CALLIE
“Get your ass out of the bed.” The cover is pulled forcefully off me. I try to hold on to it, but it slips right through my fingers.
“Hey, give that back!”
“Not happening.” Chloe crosses her arms over her chest and gives me a look. “Up.”
“I told you, I’m not going.” Turning my back to her, I fluff my pillow and lay back down, closing my eyes for a good measure.
“You don’t have the luxury not to go. Finals are in just a few days, you have to attend!”
“Says who?”
“Every sane person?!”
“Great, then I’m not sane. I’ll take it. Now can you give me back the blanket? It’s chilly here.”
Chloe huffs in frustration, but ask me if I care.
I’ve been avoiding Hayden since Saturday—and apart from getting a glimpse of him during our Spanish class earlier this week, I’ve been successful—which means it’s been almost a week. One full week. One full week without seeing him, touching him, hearing his voice. One week without feeling those stubborn full lips press against mine.
Why does it seem longer than that? I feel empty, completely void of any emotions, but it still hurts.
“I told you she won’t listen. She’s stubborn as a mule.”
I look over my shoulder, surprised to hear Yasmin. Usually, she’s already long gone by now, but apparently not today.
“What are you still doing here?” I glare at my noisy roommate.
“Staging an intervention! That’s what we’re doing,” Chloe answers before Yasmin can even open her mouth. She’s still pissed that I closed the door in her face the day of the fight, hoping I’d be alone.
Sitting in my bed, I cross my arms over my chest. “I don’t need an intervention.”
“What you need is to get out of the bed and go shower. You stink.”
“If I go shower will you leave me alone?”
“Sure thing,” Yasmin says at the same time Chloe screeches, “No!”
They have a stare off for a moment, but it’s ultimately Yasmin who gives in. The little traitor.
“You shooed me off the other day—which I won’t forget anytime soon, just sayin’—but I’m not backing down on this. You’re getting out of that bed today, and you’re going to class.”
“I don’t want to see him,” I protest weakly.
Last time I barely managed to avoid him, and only because I left the class a few minutes early. I know, I simply know, I won’t be as lucky this time around.
Besides, seeing him hurts even more than being away from him. Being so close you know it would take one look, just one simple look, to destroy all my resolve and then what?
“Then close your eyes.”
Chloe grabs my hand and pulls me in the sitting position. For a small thing—not that I’m any bigger, but still—she has a strong grip. And when she puts her mind on something, there is no stopping her.
“Up. Shower. Coffee. Class. Now!”
I look at Yasmin, silently asking her to help me, but the only thing I find is a smirk. That bitch. She’ll hear from me later.
A shiver runs down my spine as soon as we enter the already full auditorium. I can feel his heated gaze on me almost instantly—it’s as if he’s been waiting for me to come—but I refuse to turn in his direction. I can’t look at him, I simply can’t.
After coming from the shower, Yas and Chloe cornered me in the hallway. They didn’t even give me a chance to leave my stuff, instead they tossed my caddy and towel inside and shoved my jacket, boots, and already packed backpack in my hands.
One of these days I’m going to find a way to get back at them for doing this to me. Unfortunately, that day won’t be today.
With my eyes trained on the floor, I avoid looking at anybody as I climb to my seat. Thankfully there’s barely any time to spare since our professor come
s soon after, ushering us to grab our seats.
Not even a second after I sit down does somebody plop down to the chair next to mine. I don’t even have to turn around to know who it is.
Nixon.
He became a constant in my life, just like Hayden. His presence so big it’s hard not to recognize it and even harder to ignore it.
Nix doesn’t say anything and neither do I. My eyes are glued to the front of the classroom, watching the professor talk, although his words don’t register in my mind. Almost on autopilot, I jot down the notes from the whiteboard, but that’s it.
“He’s missing you, you know,” Nixon says, finally breaking the silence.
My eyes fall shut, his words are like a punch to my gut. “Don’t,” I say softly, refusing to turn to him. There is so much going through my mind as it is, I can’t deal with how Hayden is feeling.
But he doesn’t listen. Why would he? Hayden is his friend. Has been long before I got here.
“Don’t what, Callie?” Nixon leans closer, his voice low. “Don’t tell you how you’re breaking his heart? How you’re messing with his head and game because he misses you so fucking badly?”
“Nix, please…”
His voice is hard and unforgiving, each word cutting me like a knife. This is the side of Nixon I haven’t seen. Not a trace of the carefree boy that has befriended me from day one. In his place stands a determined man who’s used to getting his way.
“How he drives around only to end up in front of your dorm and stare at it in hopes he’ll see you pass by? Well, fat chance of that happening.”
I close my eyes as the pain rips through me as his words form images in my mind. A lump forms in my throat, making it hard to breathe.
“Please, stop…” I barely manage to rasp the words out. Prying my eyes open, I scan the room. Everybody seems immersed in their work, not a soul paying attention to us, except…
“Hayden,” I mouth, not daring to say his name out loud. The connection between us sizzles to life as those piercing green eyes are locked on mine. So much hurt and pain stare at me it’s like I’m looking in the mirror of my soul. His hair is disheveled, dark scruff covering his jaw. He looks tired, with dark circles underneath his eyes.
