by Mia Carson
“Come on inside. Let’s get this over with,” I said, jerking my head at the door. I was being abrupt with him, but it was the only way I could keep from shaking in shoes. I unlocked the door and ushered him in.
“Have a seat. Want anything?”
“No,” he said, and he didn’t sit, so neither did I.
He held my gaze a moment, and I tightened down on my emotions. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry, I kept telling myself.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for everything that happened. I’m sorry—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupted. “Steve was being an asshole. I’m glad—”
“Let me finish,” he said, talking over me. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. I should have known you wouldn’t screw around on me. I—”
“Wait!” I cried before he could continue. “What are you talking about?”
“That night at the barn. Steve, Cat, the drug, the rape, all of it. I should have believed you. I should have been here for you. I made you a promise that no matter what, I’d always be there for you, and I wasn’t.”
I stared at him for a long moment. Of all the things I thought he might say to me, this was near the bottom of the list. “You believe me?”
“I do now.”
“Why? What changed?”
“Steve. I saw it in his eyes yesterday.”
I’d made myself a promise, but I wasn’t going to be able to keep it. I sniffed. “You believe me when I say I was drugged and I didn’t know?”
“Yes. All of it.”
“I loved you so much. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“Why, Levi? Why didn’t you believe in me? I knew you couldn’t come home, but you hurt me so much when you never called. After you got out of boot camp, you never called. Why?”
“I was an asshole. I should have, but you didn’t come to the graduation. I thought that meant you were ashamed of what you’d done and if you were going to marry the guy then—”
“I was never going to marry that asshole! Those were just rumors! Why did you believe them?”
“I don’t know. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
He looked so…broken. I sniffed again. “I was ashamed. Ashamed of what I’d done, ashamed that I’d hurt you, ashamed I was carrying another man’s child. I couldn’t face you. I was afraid to face you, to see you again, afraid you’d reject me, and when you didn’t call, I thought that meant I was right.” I was losing my control and began to cry.
He pulled me into his chest, his arms around me, and I wept. I wept for everything that had happened and everything I’d lost. I thought he’d trusted me, and when he’d turned his back on me, that had been a crushing blow. Without him, without the strength he gave me, I couldn’t fight, and I’d given in. Like a dog that had been kicked too many times, I simply lay there and took it.
“I’m so, so, sorry,” I blubbered into his chest. “I hurt you so much. I should have never gone with Cat. If I hadn’t—”
He began to stroke my head. Shhh…” he murmured. “You did nothing wrong. I’m the one who was wrong. I know you have no reason to trust me, but I promise you, you’re not alone in this anymore,” he murmured.
His words made me cry harder. I gripped his shirt in my fists and held on tight. He held me, saying nothing as he gently stroked my head. It was the best thing he could do. He always seemed to know exactly what to do. After a long time, my tears began to slow.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffed as I pulled back and wiped at the wet spot on his chest.
He smiled at me, the same gentle smile I’d seen so many times before. “It’s okay. I’ll dry.”
“I’m sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry all this happened. I wish—”
“Enough,” he said as he softly placed his finger against my lips to still my voice, a very gentle, loving, gesture. “Don’t ever apologize to me for that again.” He removed his finger. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing, understand? I’m the one who—”
I touched his lips as he had mine. “Enough,” I whispered. “You weren’t here. You couldn’t have known. It’s this fucking town. I hate this place.”
“I’m here now, like I should have been before.”
“I can’t tell you how much having you believe me means to me. You, of all people, I wanted to believe me.”
“I do. I’m just sorry—”
I touched his lips again. “Shhhh. We both made mistakes. I should have trusted you…”
He pulled my finger aside. “And I should have trusted you.”
“Can you forgive me?” I asked.
“No.” The word cut me like a knife. “There’s nothing for me to forgive,” he continued before I could react. I whimpered as my tears threatened again. “Will you forgive me?”
We’d both made a single terrible mistake: we hadn’t believed in each other. If I’d believed in him and had gone to him with his parents as they had wanted me too, I wouldn’t have given him more cause to doubt me. If he’d believed in me and called, I’d have known he still wanted and loved me. But the breakdown started with me. I’d gone to the party, and I’d been the first one to break the trust by not going to San Antonio. I should have gone and told him what happened myself.
I leaned into his chest again. “There’s nothing to forgive,” I whispered.
His arms went around me again, and suddenly, my world was a little bit brighter. I stood in his arms for a long time, but not long enough, not nearly long enough.
“We have to go get Abby.”
“We?”
I nodded, my face still against his chest. “You wanted to talk to my family, right?” I felt his head move. “Then we should go. They’ll be worried.”
His arms relaxed slightly, and I pulled away with a soft sigh. I wanted him to kiss me, but he made no move. I’d learned my lesson, so I kissed him, the barest brushing of my lips against his. He didn’t recoil in horror but gently kissed me back before we allowed the kiss to dissolve. Baby steps. We were going to have to take it in baby steps.
“Ride with me?”
He nodded and followed me to my car. Without thought I went to the passenger side and he to the driver’s, just like we always had, like the past five years hadn’t happened.
We drove in silence. In the past his right hand would be resting on my leg on an empty road like this, but he kept both hands on the wheel. It was like we were starting over. Maybe we were.
“I have to tell you, I’m scared shitless about seeing your parents,” he said as we approached Mom and Dad’s house.
“Don’t be. It’s going to be okay.”
We pulled to a stop in front of the house. We approached side by side. When I opened the door, everyone was there, standing in the hall, as I stepped in. Levi followed, his eyes lowered. I wanted him to stand up and meet their gaze. He had nothing to apologize for.
“Mommy!” Abby called.
“Hey, baby,” I said, scooping her up into my arms. “How are you?”
“Good. Grandma let me feed the chickens.”
“That’s great. Listen, Mommy needs to talk to Grandma and Grandpa, okay? Can you go play for a minute?”
“I want to go,” she protested, wrapping her arms around my neck, holding onto Theodore in one hand.
“We’re going to in just a second. Can you help Mommy by going to play for a few minutes?”
She twisted her mouth to the side like she was thinking about it. “Okay. Can I have a cookie?”
“Grandma will get you a cookie in a minute, okay?”
“I’ll get you a cookie, Abby, dear,” her great-grandma said, taking her from my arms. Grandma caught my gaze, gave me a small nod, and I smiled in thanks.
I stepped back and stood beside Levi in a silent gesture of support. The floor was all his.
“Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Mr. Johnson,” he began. He suddenly seemed to find strength and straightened as he he
ld each of their eyes in turn. “I don’t know how to put this, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I treated Mary Ella, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for her, and I’m sorry for believing all the lies about her.”
There was a long moment of silence, a quiet so profound the whisper of a butterfly’s wings could have been heard. I held my breath. His apology had been simple, direct, and he hadn’t tried to shift blame anywhere else. He had nothing to apologize for, but he was standing up and taking responsibility for his actions. This was the Levi McCormick I’d fallen in love with.
“What about her?” Dad finally asked.
“He’s already apologized to me…and me to him,” I added for good measure.
“Why the hell were you apologizing to him?”
“Have you forgotten how this all started?” I asked, my tone hard. “I should have trusted him to understand and gone to San Antonio, but I didn’t. Remember the rumors about me marrying Steve? What was he supposed to think?”
“You believe her?” Mom asked.
“I do.”
“Why the sudden change?” Dad asked.
“I bumped into Steve Calhoun at Goodall’s yesterday.”
“We heard,” Dad nodded.
“When Ella jumped on him, I could see the truth in his eyes. Everything she said, he knew it was true.”
There was another long pause, and Grandma pushed her way past everyone as she returned from the kitchen, went to him without a word, and took him into her arms. She’d obviously been listening as she got Abby a cookie and had overhead everything. I knew at that moment he was going to be accepted back into the family, and I lost it. As he gently, and somewhat awkwardly, held her, I wrapped my arms around them both and absolutely bawled. My crying fit didn’t last long, but when I looked up, Mom was crying, Dad had softened considerably, and Grandpa looked the same as he always did except there was a hint of a smile on his lips. Grandma stepped back and Mom stepped in, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He shook hands with both Dad and Grandpa. It was going to be a little awkward for a while, but we’d get through it. Families always did.
“I’m glad you’re home, Levi,” Mom said as she wiped her eyes.
“Glad to be back, Mrs. Johnson.”
She sniffed and wiped her eyes again. “I think you’re old enough and have earned the right to call me Helen.”
Abby appeared from the kitchen to see what everyone was doing. Normally I’d be putting her to bed about now, and her eyes were getting heavy. “You ready to go?” I asked.
“Uh-huh,” she nodded.
“Are you taking good care of Theodore?” Levi asked.
She toddled to him and held the bear up. Instead of taking the bear, he picked her up and she held the bear to his ear as she sat on his hip. I expected her to tense up, but she seemed as relaxed as if I were holding her. Dammit! All I could seem to do was cry tonight. I bit on my lip to stall my tears as he acted like he was listening. After a moment he nodded.
“He said you’re doing a good job and he’s having a great time.”
She nodded as she pulled the bear back and yawned. He grinned, shifted her around to his chest, and nudged her head to his shoulder. She wrapped her little arms around his neck, holding Theodore behind his back by one paw as she sighed. Her eyes were open as she looked at me, but she seemed very comfortable. Maybe it was because she was sleepy, maybe Levi just had a way with kids, maybe it was because he’d given her Theodore, or maybe she could sense he was a good man and wouldn’t hurt her, but whatever it was, she’d never gone to someone so easily, so quickly. The tears threatened again… dammit.
“We need to go,” I said. “Someone is ready for bed.”
I gave everyone a round of kisses and we slipped out. Abby was fading fast. She reached for me, but when I opened the car door, she relaxed and let Levi put her in her car seat. He buckled her in like he’d been doing it for years as I went around to the passenger side.
I looked into the back seat as we turned into the road and started for Hamlinton. “She’s out already.”
“I wish I could go to sleep that fast,” he said.
I could just make out his smile in the glow of the instrument panel. “Yeah, no kidding.”
He sighed. “That was just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“You did great. Better than great.”
“I hope it was enough.”
“It was. I knew it was going to be okay when Grandma hugged you.”
We drove the rest of the way home in silence. I didn’t know what to do. Our relationship had just become…complicated. All the feelings I had for him were rushing back and swirling around me, but at the same time, I was tender. I’d forgiven him, but that didn’t completely erase the hurt. I wanted him to spend the night and make love to me, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. Plus, I had to think about Abby. I’d never had an overnight guest when she was around. Hell, until he’d talked to me, I’d never had a male guest when she was around, period.
“When was the last time you did anything fun?” he asked as he turned into my drive.
“What?”
“When was the last time you did anything except work?”
He switched off the car but didn’t open the door, so I didn’t either. “I don’t know, why?”
“Let me take you to dinner and a movie in Abilene Saturday, after you get off. Can you swap it around so you work in the morning?”
“Probably, but I don’t know. I’ll need to check with Mom to see if she can keep Abby and—”
“I thought she’d go with us, unless you just want the break.”
“You want to take me to dinner and a movie, with Abby?” My tone made my skepticism clear.
“Is she too young for a movie? There must be a movie playing somewhere she can see, and dinner doesn’t have to be fancy. In a couple more weeks, it’s going to get busy because of the harvest, so if we’re going to do this, it has to be soon.”
“Why?”
“Wouldn’t you like to have someone wait on you for a change?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“That’s why.”
I stared at him. “I don’t want your pity.”
His lips thinned. “Who said anything about pity? If you don’t want to go, fine, but I thought maybe we could catch up and you’d enjoy a break.” He opened his door.
Shit. I opened my door and stepped out as well. “I’m sorry. That didn’t come out the way I meant it. It’s hard for me to adjust to someone being nice to me and not wanting something in return. If the offer is still on the table, I’d love to go,” I said, talking through my door to him as he unbuckled Abby and lifted her out of her car seat.
He carried Abby up the two steps to my door. “It’s still on the table. I know we’ve got some things to work out, but I swear I’m not looking for anything.”
“Be patient with me. I’m trying.”
He nodded as he handed Abby off to me. “I will, if you’ll do the same with me.”
I took her. She snuffled during the exchange and her arms went around my neck as she settled back to sleep. He kissed me gently on the lips.
“Give me a call and tell me the day and time.”
I wanted to invite him in. I wanted him to stay the night and hold me in his arms until I fell asleep. I wanted to see if we could recapture some of the magic we once shared. But I didn’t, and he didn’t seem to expect it.
“I will.”
He smiled and a lift of the hand in parting, and turned to go as I stepped into my house and softly shut the door.
Levi
I was pacing in my room, killing the last ten minutes or so before I left. It was getting cooler, so after I showered, I dressed in my best pair of jeans, a crisp white shirt, a deep red, V-neck sweater, and added a grey tweed sport coat over it all. I was over dressed for the weather, but I could remove the jacket if I got too warm, or offer it to Ella if she got cold.
&
nbsp; It’d been four days since I saw Ella. She’d gotten lucky and drawn the early shift Saturday, so getting off would be no problem. I’d also found out there was a Pixar flick playing in Abilene with an early enough showing that we could be back before late.
Mom and Dad weren’t happy about Ella and I going on a date. They’d tried to warn me off, but I’d ignored them. Actually, that wasn’t true. I told them if me dating whomever I chose was a problem for them, I could find another place to live. That had shut them up on the spot. I knew their only concern was for my happiness, and I admitted, if only to myself, this could end in disaster. But it felt right, and as long as it felt right, I was going to pursue it.
Mom was waiting in the kitchen. I could tell from her face she was worried. “You look nice,” she said, her hands clasped in front of her.
“Thanks.” She wanted to ask something, and I suspected I knew what it was. “I’ll be home tonight. Abby is going with us, so we won’t be late. Don’t worry,” I said as I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.
“Just be careful.”
I wanted to remind her I wasn’t a little boy anymore and could take care of myself. I’d made my position clear, and they’d accepted it, if somewhat reluctantly, so I didn’t feel the need to antagonize her further. “I will.”
I hurried out to my truck. Ella didn’t know it yet, but I was meeting her at Dolly’s instead of her house. Twenty minutes later I sauntered into Dolly’s like I owned the place. Dressed in a sport jacket, I couldn’t have looked more out of place if I’d been wearing a pink rabbit suit. I smiled at Ella as she froze and quickly recovered. She had ten minutes left on her shift, so I sat down to wait. Dolly’s was between the lunch and dinner rush and there were plenty of empty tables.
“Can I get you anything?” a young woman asked as she coasted to a stop at my table.
“No thanks. I’m waiting on Ella.”
“Oh! You’re at my table. You want me to get her?”
I smiled. Here it comes. “No, that’s okay. I’m waiting on her shift to end.”
“Oh!” she said, her voice going up an octave and her eyes opening wider in surprise. “Oh, well, okay. She gets off at three.”
