Lucas appeared in the doorway, tousled and leaning on the doorway, as if he didn’t have the strength to hold himself up. Jessica wanted to soothe away the fatigue, wipe away the pain, let him fall sleep in her arms. She shook away the devastating thoughts, wishing her emotions would calm down. They were burning her up. He was not her responsibility.
‘So you’ve had an afternoon on Worthing beach? Some people are lucky,’ he said laconically. ‘Some people have to work, day and night.’
‘I was working,’ said Jessica.
‘We had a picnic tea on the beach and we didn’t even have plates!’ said Lily, who thought this was the best part. ‘We ate out of a box!’
‘How civilized,’ said Lucas, raising his dark eyebrows. ‘It could catch on, eating out of boxes. No washing up.’
‘As long as you bring them home,’ said Jessica.
Lucas agreed. ‘Did you bring your litter home, Lily?’
‘We did.’
But Lily’s attention had already wandered elsewhere. ‘Are you going to have your supper with Willdo, Daddy? She will look after you, when she has put on some clothes. She will make herself look very nice, in a frock.’
Jessica was still in her cut-off denim shorts and vest top. They were indeed skimpy and clung damply to her soft curves. Lucas could see the shape of her breasts and he could not wrench his gaze away. They were too enticing, so deliciously feminine, made to be touched and explored.
And those long tanned legs were asking to be stroked. Lucas moved away with barely concealed impatience, the tension between them rising. ‘Supper sharp at eight, Jessica, is that all right?’ he said curtly. ‘And Lily is right. Put some clothes on. You look positively indecent.’
Jessica gave him an ironic, distant stare. ‘Most medics are used to half-clad women. It goes with the job.’
‘I do faces, not bodies,’ he said.
Jessica went to an extreme. She made sure every inch was covered. She put on a baggy cotton jersey and black trousers and a waistcoat and scarf. Her slip-on black shoes completed the camouflage. She combed her fringe well over her eyes and brushed her hair onto her shoulders.
‘The only part of me showing is my nose,’ she said as she went into the dining room. Supper was waiting on the hot trays.
‘Quite a nice nose,’ he said, without looking at her. ‘I could do a bob or a tuck but you don’t need it. Mrs Harris has left us a beef casserole with lots of vegetables. It’s very hot and smells delicious. Would you like some wine? I’ve managed to open the bottle this time.’
‘It’s the practice you need.’
‘I’ll remember that and keep practising.’
Jessica took a small helping of the casserole, avoiding the tasty chunks of dark meat. But she had plenty of vegetables, broccoli, French beans, carrots, mashed potatoes. There was home-made blackcurrant cheesecake afterwards.
‘I see that you are avoiding the beef,’ said Lucas. ‘Is there a reason?’
‘I don’t much like eating animals. Not exactly a vegetarian, but near. I occasionally eat fish, but mainly because I think fish have a chance to get away.’
‘Not in fish farms.’
‘I know,’ said Jessica, realizing this was merely polite conversation. He was not really interested in what she said. He was so self-contained, a passionate introvert. ‘It’s getting all too complicated these days. I won’t know what to eat.’
Lucas was almost too tired to eat. He pushed away his plate. ‘Do you mind if I tell you about today? I had a little girl in this morning, her name’s Maggie. She was attacked by three Rottweilers. They tore at her face and broke her jaw in three places. She’s a mess, but alive.’
Jessica caught her breath at the horror of it. ‘Poor little thing. How dreadful. Is she going to be all right? What did you do?’
‘For the moment I’ve done what I can. She’ll need some skin grafts when the injuries have healed. Her mouth is damaged. It’s going to be a long haul.’
Jessica was always shaken by injuries to innocent children. ‘Can we do anything for her? Does Maggie need anything?’
Lucas thought for a moment. ‘If Lily has any spare books or toys, they might help Maggie. She’s going to feel really bad these early days and needs distraction. She only has a disabled grandmother who lives quite a long journey away.’
‘Would it be of any help if I came and read stories to her?’ Jessica heard herself saying. The offer came out without any thought of how it could be organized or when she might have time. She would have to drive to East Grinstead and back. Perhaps there was a train. She realized her offer was near impossible. There was Lady Grace to think of, as well as the two children. They were her responsibilities.
‘That’s very kind of you, Jessica, but I don’t see how it can be worked out. Let me think about it. Some of Lily’s toys might be acceptable.’
He pushed away his slice of cheesecake, unable to finish it. He looked at Jessica over his glass of wine. He wondered how she would take his news. He was knotted with tension, rigid, yet restless.
‘I have something to tell you,’ he said, his face changing oddly.
‘So, tell me.’
Jessica wondered why he was suddenly so serious. His eyes clouded and he pushed his unruly hair back. It was easy to see that he didn’t know how to begin.
‘I have been thinking about it for some time,’ he said. ‘It’s been a long time since my wife, Liz, died. They used to call us the three L’s, Lucas, Liz and Lily. We were a lively threesome.’ He didn’t include Daniel, she noticed. How sad.
Jessica froze. No one had ever said anything about Mrs Coleman as if she never existed. Jessica dare not say anything for fear of breaking the spell. Lucas was finding it difficult, that was clear. She let him go on.
‘It was a car accident, late at night. Head on crash with an articulated lorry on the M25. Instantaneous death. Horrific. They were both killed outright.’
His voice was without emotion. He could have been reading a weather forecast to an unseen audience of millions. There was nothing in his expression either. Yet he was talking about his wife, mother of his children. He was staring into his glass of wine, as if seeing the carnage again in the pool of red.
‘Both of them?’ Jessica said, after a moment’s hesitation. It seemed like prying, opening a painful wound. The room was still. Nothing moved. The oil portraits looked down on them in stony silence. Maybe they had heard it all before, centuries ago. It was the same old story.
‘Did I say both?’ He stared at her.
‘Yes, you did.’
‘You misheard me. I said nothing of the kind. And anyway, it’s none of your business. Now I’ve lost my train of thought. Don’t interrupt.’
Lucas ran his fingers through his hair, making it even more untidy. Jessica was afraid to say anything that would disturb him.
‘But what about your two children, Daniel and Lily?’ she asked, at last. The silence had a positive quality. Jessica knew this was about years of anguish.
‘Lily was only a baby, barely six months old. Liz didn’t like having babies, losing her figure and all the pain. She didn’t like children at all and had no patience with Daniel. Daniel hadn’t been diagnosed as autistic but we knew something was not right. She was quite happy to leave them both with me. At least she left me the children. That was something. More than something. It was a blessing.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Jessica. ‘I know words are inadequate but I am sorry. You must have been really hurt. And it was a difficult time.’
‘Well, not any more,’ he said, injecting some false cheerfulness into his voice though his face was set in gloom. ‘Things are going to change. You see, I have decided to get married again. I’m going to take the plunge. Yes, very soon, Jessica. I have made up my mind. It’s a good idea, isn’t it? Don’t you agree?’
Jessica couldn’t think of anything to say. It was a good idea but she was thrown by the thought of having to adapt to another woman living in the house. Lucas dese
rved someone to help him, to look after him. He worked so hard, such long hours. He needed someone loving to come home to.
‘Yes, it is a good idea,’ said Jessica, taking a firm hold of her doubts. His words were stealing away the happiness of the day, the colours fading. ‘You need someone to look after you and it would be good for Lily and Daniel. They need stability. I hope this woman is kind and caring. They need a lot of love.’
He poured out some more wine and gulped it down.
‘Yes, she is kind and caring, very good with children. A bit bossy at times, used to getting her own way, but I daresay I can cope with that. I think Lily and Daniel will be pleased. As you say, they need lots of love and mothering. And I’m sure she’s the kind of woman who will give them that.’
‘So do we drink to the happy day?’ said Jessica, raising her glass. Her hand was trembling. She was frightened by the depth and power of her own feelings. She could no longer smell the fruit of the grapes. ‘Have you fixed a date?’
A flicker of a smile crossed his lined face. ‘Unfortunately, no date in view. You see, I haven’t even asked her yet. I still have that bridge to cross. And I’m out of practice in the proposal stakes.’
‘Well, you’d better hurry up, get things moving,’ said Jessica, engineering some sort of enthusiasm. ‘Such a paragon might be snapped up by someone else. She sounds too good to be true. Make your move.’
‘I do agree with you. She may well have some ardent suitor waiting in the wings. I don’t really know. I know very little about her, actually.’
Jessica was lost. She did not understand what Lucas was saying. He was going to marry someone that he knew little or nothing about? It was absurd. She rallied her good sense. He may not want her advice but she was going to give it.
‘Forgive me, if I’m speaking out of turn, but this sounds crazy. You can’t marry someone who you know very little about. This isn’t one of those dating agency on the Internet, is it? It could lead to all sorts of disasters. She might be completely fraudulent, years older than you, foreign, merely wanting to marry someone to get hold of a British passport. Don’t do it, I beg of you.’
The tension broke and Lucas grinned. ‘Internet dating? I hadn’t thought of that. I might try it next if this falls through. Well, I’d better get it over quick then. Jessica Harlow, fantastic nurse, glamorous nanny, funny Willdo from the wilderness, will you marry me? Will you become my lawful-wedded wife?’
Jessica said no, of course, straight away. What else could she say? It was all too sudden. They didn’t know each other. It was a ridiculous idea.
‘No way, sir, Lucas, Mr Coleman. Is this some sort of joke? Are you making fun of me? Well, I’m not laughing. It’s not even funny.’
‘Please think it over,’ said Lucas, pouring coffee. ‘Get used to the idea. It might grow on you. We get on pretty well together.’
‘Don’t you reckon on it,’ Jessica said. ‘Why me?’
‘Because you are eminently suitable. A very good nurse. Excellent with children. Not bad-looking at times. Quite the arm candy, I could say, if I ever need a glamorous escort. I do have various medical dinners and functions that I am supposed to attend. You’d look pretty good, wearing the right clothes.’
‘Thank you,’ said Jessica, icily. ‘You certainly know how to make a woman feel good. Did you take a correspondence course on courtship? I should ask them for your money back.’
‘Then you’ll consider my proposal?’ Lucas was looking at her keenly, his silvery grey eyes suddenly fierce and glittering. ‘I mean it. I want you to marry me.’
‘I didn’t say that,’ Jessica said.
‘You nearly did.’
‘Please listen, Lucas,’ she said, dredging the words from somewhere. ‘Marriage isn’t just a convenient arrangement. It has to mean so much more. It’s between people who love each other, who can’t bear to be apart, who want to live the rest of their lives together.’
‘I know,’ he said smoothly. ‘But we are different. We have both been hurt, badly, in the past. I don’t know what happened to you, but it’s there in your eyes, the hurt and humiliation. So this could be second best for both of us. I’m offering you security, a pleasant home, status in society, two children who need you. I’m not asking anything for myself. No midnight romps in bed or early morning quickies. Nothing more than an obligatory kiss on the cheek in public. I ask for nothing more. Could you manage that? It might not be too hard a duty to perform.’
Jessica was breathing hard. Lucas was offering her a lifeline, a way out of the swamp she had been wallowing in, throwing a life-belt to a shipwrecked woman. But where was the love she had always dreamed about? Where was the gallant knight in shining armour, riding to rescue her? He must be somewhere on the horizon.
‘It’s your choice,’ he went on, finishing his coffee. ‘Please listen to your heart. I’ll leave you to think about it.’
He got up from the dining table and came round to her side. He pulled Jessica to her feet. He steadied her hip against his body and his mouth touched her lips. There was nothing inexpert about his kiss. It was warm and gentle, incredibly familiar. She was trapped in his arms.
‘Goodnight Jessica,’ he said in a deep, slow and husky voice. ‘Don’t make me wait too long.’
Jessica did not sleep well, tossed and turned. When she awoke the next morning, she wondered if she had imagined the whole strange proposal? Lucas had been overtired, drinking wine on an empty stomach. He might regret it this morning, if he remembered it at all. Maybe he had also had a few whiskies before the wine.
The light streamed through the window, turning the primrose to gold.
But Lucas had already left for the hospital. She heard the Porsche Boxster leaving at some inhuman hour. She had wanted to talk to him about Daniel’s coming birthday. There had been no response from Daniel himself. The concept of birthdays did not register. Time and age meant little to him.
When she put her head round his bedroom door, Daniel was already up. He was sitting on the floor in his pyjamas, all his treasures from the beach lined up in front of him. He had one of his school books on his knee and he was busy drawing on a blank page. It was the drawing of a shell, in great detail, very small and intricate. Unlike his handwriting, which was all over the place, this drawing was perfect.
‘Time to get washed and dressed, Daniel,’ she said.
He didn’t answer but kept drawing.
Lily on the other hand, had dressed herself in shorts and T-shirt, ready to go to the beach. She had decided it was going to be the beach again. The T-shirt was on inside-out but what did that matter, and she had odd socks on.
‘Have you practiced your inhaler this morning, Lily?’
She shook her head, dark hair bouncing around. ‘I have to breathe slowly,’ she said. ‘Do it properly.’
‘That’s right. Let’s do it now. Sit down and check inside and outside the mouthpiece to make sure it’s clean and clear.’
‘All clean.’
‘Shake the inhaler. How many times?’
‘Four or five times. To mix all the stuff up inside.’
Lily held up the inhaler and breathed out slowly which she did not find easy. She always wanted to breath in again quickly, scared of not having any air in her lungs, of starting to gasp.
‘Don’t panic. Hold your breath. Put the mouthpiece in your mouth and press down on top of the canister to release a puff. Then you can breathe that in. Breathe it in slowly. Well done, steady now. Don’t rush.’
‘Not rushing.’
‘Now do it again, Lily. Excellent. You’ve got the hang of it now. Put the cover on firmly. Next time we’ll clean it with a dry cloth or tissue.’
‘I’m getting better at it,’ said Lily happily. ‘Now can we go to the beach?’
‘Not today, Lily. We’re going to do something quite different today. I’ll get you a peak flow meter so we can check how you are doing.’
‘Is that like a parking meter?’
�
�In a way, yes. It tells us if your airways are relaxed. If they are, then you get a high score.’
Jessica had a new idea. She was fast running out of new ideas. ‘Over breakfast, I’m going to tell you about a little girl called Maggie who is in hospital.’
‘Is it a sad story?’
‘It’s a true story and quite sad.’
Mrs Harris had breakfast ready in the kitchen. She had adapted to the healthier eating without any problem. It was poached eggs this morning, and fruit. Jessica did the ordering now after discussing the family’s needs with Mrs Harris first. There was far less cooking involved, lots more fruit and salads.
Lady Grace resisted all change. She ordered her own menus every day and Jessica had no wish to be involved. It was the children that she cared about and Lucas. She knew what hospital food was like, even in the staff canteen.
It was exercises first this morning. Lady Grace always tried to get out of them. She thought up new arguments every day. It was like a game show.
‘I don’t need to do them every day,’ she protested. ‘I shall get ugly, bulging arm muscles like an athlete. As long as I walk a bit, I’m doing fine. You must admit I have made excellent progress, Miss Know-all.’
‘Indeed, Lady Grace. Your progress is good. It’s remarkable when you have argued every step of the way. You must admit now, that regular exercise is the answer. So let’s start. Let’s put some music on. Straight leg first.’
‘Do we have to? I don’t like that music.’
‘Yes, we do. Think of that lovely glass of your favourite dry sherry when you get downstairs. Then your walk round the garden. The roses are magnificent. I’ve even done some dead-heading. I’d like to know some of the names.’
‘I know all the names.’ There was no thank you for the dead-heading.
‘I’m sure you do. Your memory is amazing.’
Sundays were not easy. No school. Lily and Daniel were at home all day with Lady Grace demanding constant attention. But today Jessica told the children about Maggie, the little girl who had been bitten. She didn’t go into too much detail but said that they had been three fierce dogs and she was in hospital.
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