by Tina Martin
“I didn’t either,” Carter said, fiddling his band again.
“Well, she did seem like a nice girl when I met her, so I guess I should be congratulating you right now. Congrats, man,” Terrance said, patting Carter on the back.
“Thanks.” Carter took a sip of his drink, thinking about his dilemma with Shayla. He decided to bite the bullet and go ahead with telling Terrance about his ordeal. He had to tell somebody and it wouldn’t hurt to get a man’s point of view on this. So sucking in a distressful breath, he said, “There is something I need your opinion on, Tee.”
“All right.” Terrance rubbed his hands together, getting prepared because Carter usually never asked him for any advice.
“And I’m going to preface this by saying, I don’t need you to judge me and I don’t need the joking and kidding around because this is serious. This is my life and I just need a friend.”
“I got you, man.”
Carter took a piece of folded paper from his right front pocket and handed it to Terrance.
“What’s this?” Terrance asked, unfolding the paper.
“Just read it.”
Terrance held the single piece of paper with both hands and began reading silently:
If you’re reading this, I’m probably already dead. So you win again big brother. Mama always said you would have it all. She said I wouldn’t compare to you. She was right, wasn’t she? You remember when we were younger? She always cheered you on when you played basketball, but never made any of my baseball games. The crazy thing is, I hated baseball. I just wanted to do something so she could be proud of me, the same way she was proud of you. But you were the one with the scholarship. You were smarter, more talented and I couldn’t hold a candle to you. So in the end, you win. Tell mom she can be proud of me now. She can be glad that I’m no longer breathing the same air as her, or you for that matter. I know you don’t owe me anything and I don’t owe you anything, but all I ask is that you take care of my sweet Shayla. She loved me, but she deserves a lot more than what I was able to give her. I can’t even keep a roof over her head, can’t even be a real man for her. So I’m asking you to take care of her. She was the only thing in my life that has ever meant anything to me, my beautiful doll. I owe it to her. I know you’re under no obligation to do this, but this is my last and final wish. I’ve never asked you for anything, even in my most dire straights, but this I ask of you because I want Shayla to be happy. I want her to have the kind of life that you can give her. Please tell her I’m sorry I left this way. Tell her it’s for the best and that in some way, I’m doing this for her. Take care of her for me. She’s innocent in all of this and I want to make sure that she’s taken care of. I love her, Carter. Make sure she knows that. Make her happy. In the end, I’m sorry it had to be this way.
~ Jacob
- - -
Terrance glanced up at Carter, speechless.
“In case you haven’t figured it out, that’s Jacob’s suicide note…came to me in the mail the day after he killed himself. I can’t believe it’s been over a year already.”
“Dawg, don’t tell me this means what I think it means,” Terrance said shaking his head, having reached an epiphany now. “Your Shayla was his Shayla?”
Carter nodded.
Terrance’s mouth fell open. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Shayla told me all about her relationship with Jacob and—”
“Oh. Shrew,” Terrance said, wiping sweat from his forehead. “For a minute there, I thought you were going to tell me she doesn’t know you’re Jacob’s brother.”
“That’s exactly what I’m going to tell you. She’s doesn’t know, Terrance. She has no idea I’m Jacob’s brother.”
“Wow,” Terrance said, flabbergasted. “Man, you…wow. Wow!”
“I know.” Carter frowned. He tossed back his drink and crossed his arms, waiting for Terrance to calm down a bit.
“You mean to tell me that you never slipped up and said anything about Jacob to her?”
“No. She didn’t know I had a brother until after we married. I passively told her I had a brother who died, and that was that…didn’t mention his name or nothing.”
“Ah, man.”
“Like I said, she used to talk to me about Jacob all the time. Said how he was the love of her life and how she felt he was her soul mate and all that. Of course all of this was said before she fell in love with me, but even though we’re together and married now, I still feel like she wished things would’ve worked out with Jacob. Like if Jacob was somehow resurrected, she’d leave me in a heartbeat because that’s how much she loved my brother. Anyway, enough about all that. What I want to know from you is, should I tell her that Jacob is my brother?”
“Are you crazy?” Terrance spewed, looking at Carter like he’d lost his mind. “You can’t tell her now.”
“But I want to be honest—”
“Why? Y’all married. What difference would it make? I don’t even know why you’re considering it.”
“I’m considering it because it’s been eating me up that she doesn’t know.”
“Carter, you know how women do…you tell her this and your marriage is over.”
“How you figure?”
“Because then, she’ll think everything you ever did or said was a lie. You lie about one thing and all of a sudden, you’re a pathological liar.”
“But it wasn’t a lie. I just didn’t tell her.”
With raised eyebrows, Terrance said, “Ah’ight…go on and tell her. I already see how it’s gonna go down. You confess, get slapped and she’s out the door with a suitcase and ‘bout a week’s worth of clothes.”
Carter blew an upsetting breath and crossed his arms. “I have to tell her. I love her, man. I don’t want to lose her and if I confess, maybe she’d be more forgiving than she would if she finds out on her own.”
“Okay. I understand your perspective but I don’t see this ending well. Trust me on this, Carter.”
Carter propped his elbows up on the bar top, interlocked his fingers and rested his chin on his closed hands. “So I shouldn’t tell her?”
“No, Sir,” Terrance said shaking his hand. “You said you wanted my advice and this is the best advice. Trust me on this one, man.”
“Ah’ight.”
The men ordered chicken wings and Carter told Terrance more about Shayla and about the marriage. And towards the end of their meal, just as the two paid and was preparing to leave the restaurant, Terrance said, “So besides your dilemma, how is being married?”
“It’s wonderful. I love her. Feels like I’m obsessed with her at times. She does it for me, you know. She makes me feel emotions that I’ve never felt in my life.”
“Like what?”
“I can’t explain it, and even if I could, you wouldn’t get it because you’ve never loved a woman.”
“Well, if you can do it, anybody can.” Terrance chuckled. “Shayla must have some mad skills to lock you down, if you know what I mean.”
Carter frowned at the thought of Terrance thinking about his wife this way. Then turning that frown into a smile, he replied, “The only thing you need to know about my wife is that she’s mine.”
“Duly noted,” Terrance said. “What I really want to know is, what made you change for her?”
Carter smiled, and even with a heavy, troubled heart, he said, “She taught me how to love.”
Chapter 29
Carter didn’t get home until a few minutes after eleven. He jogged upstairs, heard the hissing from the shower in as he walked down the hallway and to the bedroom. He loosened his necktie and tossed it on the bed, unfastened his cuff links and placed them on the nightstand, stepped out of his shoes, pulled off his socks and unbuttoned his shirt. He walked over to the bathroom door and watched the silhouette of her. Water splashed on the glass, raining down against it while steam floated near the ceiling. Fruit-scented body wash permeated the room and while Shayla showered, she hummed a song, Unthinkab
le by Alicia Keys.
Carter thought of joining her, but how could he tell her something so serious while they were showering? Instead, he kicked his pants aside and stood there, in his boxers, arms crossed, staring at the visions of her through the shower door.
You confess, get slapped and she’s out the door with a suitcase and ‘bout a week’s worth of clothes. The statement Terrance had told him earlier haunted him. And in so many ways, Terrance was right. If he told her, she could be so angry that she never spoke to him again. Or it could somewhat work out in his favor. She could forgive him, but secretly resent him for betraying her and Jacob. In both scenarios, he came out on the losing end.
Carter shook his head, distressed about this now. His eagerness to tell her had dissipated when he heard Shayla turn off the water. He watched as she slid the shower door open.
“Hey!” she said, surprised to see him standing there.
Carter didn’t say a word.
Shayla squeezed water from her hair, grabbed her towel from the rack and wrapped it around her body. She walked over and embraced him. “You could’ve gotten in with me.”
Carter still didn’t speak. His mind was on the thoughts of losing her, losing this love he never thought he’d find.
Shayla smiled. “You’re not talking to me tonight? What’s the matter? Cat got your—”
“Shh,” Carter hissed. “I just want to look at you.”
Shayla’s smile slowly began to fall as she stared at Carter. Were those tears in his eyes? Shayla wondered as she stared at him, but the moonlight in the room wasn’t enough for her to make that determination. “Are you crying?” Shayla asked, concerned.
Instead of answering her, he walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
“Carter?”
Her calls to him went unanswered. She tried to turn the knob, but he’d locked the door.
Carter leaned against the vanity, so sick he could throw up right now. He was a smart man and he knew what was about to happen. That’s why he didn’t want to tell her. But how could their marriage work if he kept this? How could he function with holding on to a secret this detrimental to his relationship with his wife? He couldn’t. Not anymore.
He splashed cold water on his face and stared at his bloodshot eyes in the mirror. He could’ve sworn he saw his brother’s face instead of his own. Guilt was eating him alive.
“Carter, please open the door.”
“I’ll be out in a minute, Shayla,” he said sadly with a broken, distorted voice.
Shayla, filled with worry, remained at the door, waiting for him to come out. Something was wrong with her husband.
He stepped out of the bathroom, his eyes still red. Shayla had never seen him look this bad. He was a mess, and she wondered what it was that bothered him to the point of tears. She walked up to him to throw her arms around him.
“Don’t,” he told her.
She looked confused. “I can’t hug you?”
“No. Not right now, and you’ll probably never want to again.”
She frowned. “Carter, what’s going on? I don’t understand. I mean, we did just make love. Did I do something wrong?”
“No. I did,” he said and swallowed hard. “Can you sit down? Please?”
Shayla’s lips trembled as she sat on the bed and waited for Carter to tell her what was going on. There were a million possibilities running through her head, the main thing being another woman. Had he been cheating on her and now wanted to confess? Is that why his eyes were bloodshot red, his face flushed, his lips trembling?
“I know this is probably the worst time I could bring this up but I’ve tried constantly and could never bring myself to tell you this because I don’t want to lose you, Shayla.”
Shayla frowned when she realized his seriousness. “What is it, Carter?”
Carter blew a breath and closed his eyes. Opening them, he said, “I haven’t been one hundred percent truthful with you. I um…” He took a moment to get his thoughts in order, thinking of the way in which he could properly relay this information to her with the least amount of consequences.
“Is there someone else?”
“No. There’s not anyone else.”
Relieved, she asked, “Well, what is it?”
He sat beside her. God, help me, he thought to himself. Looking at her, he said, “Your ex-fiancé, Jacob…”
“Yeah? What about him?”
“I knew him. I knew him very well.”
“What do you mean?” She watched Carter hang his head low, staring at the floor. “Carter?”
Carter looked at her with a tear traveling from his right eye and down his face.
“Carter, just talk to me,” Shayla said teary eyed. “You’re scaring me.”
With his lips quavering, Carter said, “I knew him because…he’s…he’s…”
“He’s what?”
“He’s my brother, Shayla,” he confessed, looking at her.
Shayla let out an uncomfortable chuckle. “No, he’s not.”
“I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head, thoroughly confused. “No, Carter, what are you—”
“Shayla, please listen to me.”
“I’m listening…I just don’t understand.”
“Jacob is my brother,” he repeated, firmly.
“My Jacob?” she questioned.
“Yes.” Something about her calling him my Jacob made Carter feel worse than he already did. But now wasn’t the time to worry about his own feelings.
She shook her head. “That’s impossible. There’s no way—”
“Jacob Dempsey is my brother, Shayla,” Carter said, taking out his wallet and sliding Jacob’s letter from it. “I got this letter from him in the mail the day after he killed himself.”
Reluctantly, Shayla took the folded piece of paper from his grasp. Her heart rate increased rapidly upon seeing Jacob’s handwriting. She swallowed hard, looked up at Carter like he was a stranger while tears ran down her face. She began reading it silently to herself:
If you’re reading this, I’m probably already dead. So you win again big brother. Mama always said you would have it all. She said I wouldn’t compare to you...You were smarter, more talented and I couldn’t hold a candle to you. So in the end, you win...all I ask is that you take care of my sweet Shayla. She loved me, but she deserves a lot more than what I was able to give her. I can’t even keep a roof over her head, can’t even be a real man for her.
Shayla’s hand shook violently, had the piece of paper shaking like a lone leaf on an almost barren tree in late Fall. She used her other hand to help hold the paper still and continued reading.
So I’m asking you to take care of her. She was the only thing in my life that has ever meant anything to me, my beautiful doll. I owe it to her. I know you’re under no obligation to do this, but this is my last and final wish. I’ve never asked you for anything, even in my most dire straights, but this I ask of you because I want Shayla to be happy. I want her to have the kind of life that you can give her. Please tell her that I’m sorry I left this way. Tell her it’s for the best and that in some way, I’m doing this for her. Take care of her for me. She’s innocent in all of this and I want to make sure that she’s taken care of. I love her Carter. Make sure she knows that. Make her happy. In the end, I’m sorry it had to be this way.
~ Jacob
- - -
Shayla sat motionless for a moment, in a state of shock or temporary paralysis. This was real.
Carter took her hand, placed Jacob’s obituary in it and said, “This is his obituary. I’m sure you’ve seen it but…”
Shayla sprung forth more tears upon seeing Jacob’s picture again.
“Say something.” Carter watched the letter and obituary fall from her grasp and onto the floor. “Shayla…”
Shayla heard him say her name, but she was numb. Was this really happening? Maybe it was a bad dream perhaps.
But when she heard Carter say, “Shayla, I’m sorry,” while she stared down at Jacob’s suicide letter on the floor, she knew it was no dream. She slumped over, placed her right hand over her chest, feeling pain there.
“Shayla…”
Ignoring his calls to her, she stood, stumbled to the bathroom, feeling herself become sick. She locked the door behind her, then touched her stomach. She looked at herself in the mirror, envisioning Jacob standing behind her, his arms around her, telling her how much he loved her. She thought she had forgotten about him enough to move on with life – enough to finally start over. Little did she know she was starting over with his brother! How could Carter do this to her?
Carter walked up to the closed bathroom door and banged on it. “Shayla, open the door, baby.”
She didn’t respond, not that he expected her to, but still, he wanted to make sure she was okay. What would she do next? Would she leave him? Forgive him?
To his surprise, she came out the bathroom a few minutes later, and not saying a word to him, she walked to her dresser, took out some pants and a shirt, dressed quickly and after stepping into some sandals, she grabbed her keys and purse. “I can’t stay here tonight,” she told him.
“Shayla, wait.”
“No.”
“Shayla,” Carter said, reaching for her arm.
“I said no, Carter!” she said, louder than he’d ever heard her yell, snatching her arm away from him in the process. “How could you do this to me?” Tears were falling heavily from her eyes now as she tried to grasp how he could betray her like this. She fought to catch her breath, while pushing him away from her. All of a sudden, he was a stranger again, and she didn’t trust him one bit.
“I’m sorry, Shayla. Baby, please listen to me.” He tried to touch her again, but she pushed his hand away.
“Move out of my way so I can get outta here. I can’t even stand to look at you…you liar!”
Her words cut him like a knife. But he’d expected this reaction. He was the one in the wrong? “Shayla—”
