by C. S Luis
“I can’t believe I said those things. I didn’t mean any of it,” I said. I was lying a little bit.
"He understands what you're going through. In fact, he wants to apologize to you,” Michael admitted.
"Apologize to me?" I asked, a bit surprised after what I had said to him. I felt even worse now. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
"Yes, but I told him it was best for another time."
I didn't know whether that was a good thing or not. Sure, I had avoided another confrontation with Dr. Black, but that only meant he would find me another day to have the conversation I longed to put aside.
“I’m sorry,” I again whispered.
“I’m not worried about Dr. Black. He’ll recover. I’m sure it’s not the first time he’s been put in his place,” Michael laughed; it seemed he was recalling the expression on Dr. Black’s face.
“Or the last,” Mr. Claypool added, resembling the actor Ed Harris more each time I looked at him. Clumsily, Mr. Vasquez agreed with them both.
“He seems pretty young,” Mr. Claypool simply said. “What do you think, Michael? He looks at least thirty-two?”
“Thirty-three,” Michael said, and Mr. Claypool nodded.
“A far younger principal than I’m accustomed to,” Mr. Vasquez simply said.
He was usually the quieter of the two, sitting beside me, smiling behind his thick brown mustache. He usually seemed goofy and out of place, but today he seemed mature and wiser than I had ever seen him.
"But I am worried about you, Claudia," Michael kindly admitted.
"Maybe it would be a good idea to send you home for the rest of the day," Michael said, and Mr. Claypool and Mr. Vasquez both nodded in agreement.
"I'm alright. I just got upset, that's all. Please don't send me home,” I pleaded with them. "I promise I'm okay. I just overreacted," I tried to convince them. "I guess I wasn't ready, but I’m fine now."
"It's understandable, but I feel I also have to apologize," Michael added as I gazed up at him in question.
"Apologize for what?" I curiously asked, finding his tired face.
"For not letting you know what was going on,” he admitted.
"It's okay,” I mumbled.
"Are you sure you're alright?" He asked. He seemed genuinely worried as he leaned forward on his chair and glanced at me. Mr. Claypool and Mr. Vasquez did the same. I felt like I had three fathers, and it felt good to be the center of attention again.
"I can take you home," Michael said, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Really, I'm fine," I answered, smiling up at him.
“Alright then,” he said. I got up to leave, and as I opened the door, I heard his voice once more.
“Try not to embarrass any other principals, please.”
He smirked, and I nodded with a grin.
I left the office, unsure of why I felt such a sudden loneliness then. Perhaps it was in part because I had lost the only other person that could understand me. And now, I had no one really to share in this confusion that was eating away at me. My concerns over being unable to control my emotions were really bothering me. I was scared to do something dangerous. And that wasn’t far from the truth. I knew I could have lost control, and strangely enough, I felt that I’d wanted to.
How long would it be until I didn’t care anymore? Where was this coming from? The growing hunger that I couldn’t quench and the emotions that erupted unpredictably and uncontrollably, I didn’t have the answers for these things. Then, it was all clear as his face came into my thoughts, and I thought I would lose control again. The more I thought of him, the more I became confused, as if I had no sense of what I was doing. I tried to regain control, but it was so hard.
I wanted to disappear and have people leave me alone. But instead, I got warm words from teachers and even students who didn't know what to say but said it nevertheless in their own special ways. My locker was filled inside and out with letters and notes. I tried not to let it annoy me; people were just trying to be nice.
I came into the cafeteria, looking lost and glaring at the nameless faces of other students who eyed me with concern and whispers. And yet, others stared at me with glares of dislike and annoyance. Perhaps I was tolerated for now, I thought. For a few seconds, I didn't see anyone I recognized and I thought of fleeing to the library, but reluctantly, I walked in and got into the lunch line.
At the far end, I spotted Tina and the others sitting in their usual area, so I decided to join them once I got my lunch. They didn't say much about what was obvious. Sure, they had left me notes as teachers and even other students had, and they were sorry for what had happened. But the truth was, I just wanted things to go back to normal. I was tired of everyone else’s sympathy and I was ready to forget everything. At least, I thought I was ready.
They were quiet from the moment I took my seat, and no one said anything, although, I could see that they all wanted to get past it just like I had wanted, but no one knew how to start.
"I heard you let the new principal have it. Serves him right for moving your grandfather's stuff," Alex suddenly said out loud.
I started laughing and they followed, realizing it was safe. I was slightly surprised Alex had said anything at all, anything nice at least. I slowly looked up at them; their smiles rewarded me with concern.
“Sucks about what happened. Sorry,” Alex mumbled in her own cold and Gothic way.
“Thanks,” I whispered as she tried smiling. I guess she didn’t know what else to say. But what could be said? I wasn’t sure myself what people can say to those who have lost loved ones. But it had been nice that she said anything at all. After all, we didn’t have the best introduction.
"Are you alright?" Tina asked for the others. I merely nodded.
"I just want to get past this," I admitted, trying not to get all teary-eyed in front of them.
"Well, we're here for you. If you feel like talking,” Ruben offered. This was comforting to know.
"Thanks," I said. We caught up with school gossip. We talked about Alex's run with Thomas the security guard and the house party the following weekend. And yet, inside I could think of nothing else but him, my handsome rescuer, and the face that kept me awake at night. I watched Alex get up and walk out into the hallway where all of the Coke machines were. And while she disappeared, I couldn’t stop thinking about all that had taken place. Nothing made sense; the day at the pool, the man in the black suit and red tie. Who was he? And why did I tremble at the simple thought of him? Why did he scare me? Was it his robotic nature, his emotionless demeanor, and crude manners that scared me? Who was he?
Or did I already know? And perhaps, that's what I feared, the very fact that I knew them both in some way or another and I just didn’t remember. But without a doubt, it would be revealed. I was sure of this.
"You’re so quiet. You sure you’re okay?" Tina's voice suddenly awakened me. I glanced over at her. I must have appeared distant, perhaps distressed. Nevertheless, I seemed normal for someone who had just lost her grandfather and parents in the same month.
"I'm fine. I just have a lot of things on my mind I guess," I answered.
She smiled and put her hand on my shoulder.
"Don't worry. It's going to be alright."
Ruben and Sean robotically looked up, their eyes fixed on me and their lips spread into smiles. Alex had left to get a drink from the Coke machine, and hadn’t returned
"Yes, everything is going to be alright,” Ruben said. Sean nodded, almost like a puppet, both in agreement.
"He’s been looking," Tina said; perhaps I hadn’t been paying attention. I didn’t know who she was talking about.
“Looking? Looking for what?” I asked.
"Why, for you, silly. And now he’s found you. Praise him. He’s found you,” she said.
"Yes, praise him,” Ruben and Sean repeated.
“Who is he?” I whispered.
Tina took a hold of my hands. “When the time comes, h
e will reveal himself to you. And that time approaches quickly.”
“Tell me. Who is he? I must know.”
Tina only smiled. “He rejoices at your longing for him.” She came closer and whispered into my ear, “But he said, be patient. Be patient my pet.”
I felt my head spinning, and the entire cafeteria seemed to remain still except for the four of us. Closing my eyes, I felt my head throbbing, and then it stopped. The voices in the cafeteria seemed to return louder than before as I opened my eyes and blinked. Tina and the others were talking about the party the following weekend.
"What did you say?” I asked Tina.
“When was that?” She simply asked and continued eating and talking about the house party. I grabbed hold of her when she didn’t look back at me and turned her to me.
“Tell me! I have to know!” I yelled at her. She answered, but what I heard wasn’t her own voice.
“Be patient, my pet…”
It was his voice. I knew it! Sean and Ruben suddenly stared robotically back at me, and I let Tina go. Then all three of them seemed to go back to their conversation as if nothing had happened.
Alex returned and took a seat beside me.
“Hey, want one?” She asked and put the soda on the table for me. I hadn’t even noticed her.
“Sorry about being such a bitch the first time around. And calling you Pocahontas and all, but the hair, you know, and well, I’m sorry. I have issues, but doesn’t everyone, right?” She laughed, taking a drink of her Coke.
“You okay?” She asked, but I didn’t say a word. I glanced over at her as if just noticing her.
“Yeah,” I tried to say.
“So, we’re cool, you and I?”
I smiled and nodded. “Yeah, we’re cool. But the Pocahontas thing was really clever.”
She laughed. “Well, it kind of fits you. Now we only have to find your John Smith.”
“Great.”
She smiled. “So, are you going to the party?”
I looked back at her, feeling like my answer had to be yes. But I still couldn’t think straight. I was staring at her dark blue eyes, covered by dark eye shadow and mascara, and I was staring at her youthful face, which was already very beautiful, covered by caked-on white makeup. She twisted the necklace pentagram around her long pale finger; pulling at it, I noticed a tiny crystal sparkling from beneath the lace wrapped around her slender wrist. She nervously tucked it back in, dropping her hand under the table before I could ask about it.
“I like your charm,” I managed to say, but she only referred to the party again.
“So, are you going?”
“Yeah,” I said nodding. “I think I am.” I was still distracted by what had happened before she returned to the table, and now, by her odd if not rude behavior.
“Awesome, you have to let me do your makeup. Red lipstick with dark purple eye shadow would best fit your eyes.”
I glanced over at her perplexed.
“Relax, I promise I’ll keep it natural. It’s hard work looking the way I do, but it’s mine, and I’m not about to share it.” She laughed.
I responded with a smile as she joined the conversation about the upcoming party. I listened intently as they made plans. I was going whether I wanted to or not. Surprisingly, Alex volunteered to pick me up. She was the only other junior with a car in our group. We had started off badly, and I felt it had been her distrust in others that kept us apart. Now, oddly enough she wanted to make up for it.
She didn’t have many friends; her parents were divorced, and she lived with her alcoholic mother who didn’t care much about what she did. Her father, when he did care, only called every other week because he lived out of state and rarely visited as he had a whole new family. Alex rarely answered the phone, knowing he would send her money to make up for his absence. She was easier to be the read than the others, easier because she didn’t care, because she carried her feelings on the outside and retaliated with her own sense of style.
* * *
I felt like an idiot examining and looking at the others, trying to see what I had seen in Alex. But for some reason, I couldn’t read them. Only when their eyes suspiciously glared in my direction did my thoughts dart away and around the cafeteria, trying to distance myself from their stares. I could only hear useless sounds. And then, Dr. Black entered the other end of the cafeteria. I ducked my head down on the table.
“Hey looky, looky at who just walked in,” Alex immediately said while pointing out Dr. Black.
“Is that who you chewed out? He’s our new principal? God, he’s hot!” Alex said. “Claudia, you didn’t tell me, he was so attractive.”
“He’s not so special. He looks like trouble if you ask me,” Tina stated my exact thoughts.
“What’s wrong with your eyes? That’s one good looking man,” Alex exclaimed.
I rolled my eyes this time, and she started laughing, noticing my annoyance. The others hardly said a word but seemed annoyed by Alex’s behavior. I had nearly forgotten how they’d acted before.
I looked away, hoping Dr. Black wouldn’t find me. I felt so stupid for avoiding him. Of course he hadn’t come into the cafeteria to find me. Did I really want to believe that he had? But when I kept my head down, it confirmed that I did.
“I can’t believe you told him off,” Alex said as she kept staring over at Dr. Black who walked to the very front of the cafeteria and stood in the same spot as the other assistant principals usually did when they were babysitting the student body. I guess it was his turn to do the honors.
“And there he is, your John Smith,” Alex suddenly said.
“What?” I gasped as she giggled.
“He fits the profile. Just as you do. Claudia, I don’t make the rules. You’re Pocahontas, and he’s John Smith.”
Okay, now I was starting to regret giving her freedom to call me that.
“Well, you’re Spanish, and he’s white. John Smith and Pocahontas.”
“She was a Native American,” I corrected uselessly.
“What’s the difference?” She sarcastically asked. “He’s white, and you’re a nicely bronzed Spanish babe. I bet if I ask him he would agree.” She was getting a real kick out of the whole thing.
“How can you keep staring at him? He’s your principal, and besides, you’re making Claudia uncomfortable,” Tina added.
“How can I not stare at him? Making her uncomfortable? I think she knows what I’m talking about more than anyone here,” Alex answered with a smirk as she playfully elbowed my side.
“He’s a John Smith babe if I’ve ever seen one. And I just found a whole new reason for me to keep coming to school. I wonder if he’s married,” Alex added, as if that would have mattered to her.
The man had to be like twenty years older than her. The whole idea seemed silly to me. What would he want with a silly girl? I’m sure if he wasn’t married he was dating a very attractive woman his own age. I mean, look at him. Oh god, now I was beginning to sound like Alex. I rolled my eyes at her childish behavior.
“I don’t know,” I said, annoyed by Alex’s words and avoiding the center of the cafeteria.
“So, what’s his name?” She asked, smiling over at me.
I glared at her; frustrated by her continuous smile, like we were in on a joke no one else was in on. “Dr. John Black,” I robotically said, recalling his introduction to me back in my grandfather’s office.
“Ah! See what I mean? His name is John. John Smith, John Smith,” she began to tease. “But I like Johnny…Johnny Black. I like that. It has a good ring to it,” Alex exclaimed. “He can be like some kind of superhero or something, no, maybe a super-agent, James Bond perhaps. That’s so sexy!” She jokingly said. “He can call me into his office any day.” She began to giggle, and then Tina and the others frowned at her.
“You’re disgusting,” Tina uttered.
“Excuse me for being sexually active. I guess we know who the virgin here is,” Alex responded, taking out
her compact and reapplying her red lipstick. She powdered her face with more white makeup and put the compact away in her black shoulder bag. “I’m only stating the obvious, right Claudia?”
I didn’t say anything, finding the others’ eyes burning a hole in her direction.
“Oh, come on, I’m only kidding you,” she said to me. “You guys need to chill-lax!” She said.
A teacher we knew as Mrs. Whitman came to the center of the cafeteria to introduce herself to Dr. Black. He seemed to be very popular, and as I glanced around the cafeteria, it seemed he had the eyes of every young schoolgirl on him. I knew right away when I had first glanced up at him back in the main office that he wasn’t like any of the rest of the school staff. He really didn’t dress like any of them; although, he did wear a suit and tie like them. There was something very different about his style, not to mention his looks, and this was no offense to Mr. Vasquez or Mr. Claypool, but Dr. Black was very handsome and equally well dressed. He certainly didn’t appear like the teacher or principal type, not for this school at least but maybe for a school in Beverly Hills.
“What does she want?” Alex scolded, regarding Mrs. Whitman. I glanced over and noticed the teacher flirting with Dr. Black.
He was being his charming self as he had been with me back in the main office before I told him where to take his phony speech. He was being utterly polite and professional. It was disgusting, and I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I couldn’t help hating him slightly, but I knew I had no real reason, so it was a lot harder to.
“God, look at her; she has no shame. Does she really think Dr. Black will want an old dog like her?” Alex wickedly asked in reference to Mrs. Whitman. Then she laughed out loud.
I couldn’t stand it anymore, but I didn’t want to get up, fearing Dr. Black would catch sight of me because, at this point, he seemed to be looking around. Perhaps he was trying to avoid Mrs. Whitman just like everyone else did. The woman kept on talking until Dr. Black left her in his own kind way and started walking through the cafeteria as the teacher gazed towards him in the most desperate manner. It was really sad. It was then that I realized he was walking through the cafeteria tables and making his way in our direction.
