by Sophie Stern
“I talk to him sometimes,” she admitted. “I’ve never told anyone that.”
“Me too.”
Sarah didn’t know how long they sat there, but after awhile, Chris stood and helped her to her feet. They went back to his car and he drove them out of the cemetery. He stopped at her car and she gave him a quick hug, then hopped out.
When she got in her car, she finally let the tears out. Her brother was gone. Chris was right when he said Garrett shouldn’t have died, but he was wrong in thinking he should have taken his place. Chris shouldn’t have taken his place.
She only wished she could tell him her secret, tell him what she was afraid of when she was alone at night.
She was about to be a mother and no one knew.
And no one could help her.
5
When Sarah got home, she took a shower and a nap, then got online. Chris was on chat. She hesitated for just a moment, then decided that today was a day for going after what she wanted. For too long, she’d waited for other people to make their moves. Today was her chance to try something. Today was the day for being brave. Maybe she and Chris would never be more than friends, but maybe they could be a lot more.
She wouldn’t know unless she tried.
CutieFrog: Hey stranger.
StaffSergeantAwesome: What’s up, beautiful?
CutieFrog: Just saw you were on and thought I’d say hello…
StaffSergeantAwesome: Thanks for letting me come with you today to the cemetery. It was good to see him.
CutieFrog: Anytime.
StaffSergeantAwesome: What are you doing now?
CutieFrog: Just woke up from my NAP since I’m about 2 years old. J/K. But really, I just woke up from my nap.
StaffSergeantAwesome: You’re adorable
CutieFrog: I like to think so
CutieFrog: What about you?
CutieFrog: Any big plans tonight?
StaffSergeantAwesome: I’ve got a hot date
CutieFrog: Oh?
StaffSergeantAwesome: With a bottle of cheap wine and a pizza.
CutieFrog: Ha! Drinking alone? Was your day really that bad? You got to spend time with meeee. I thought that would make it awesome.
StaffSergeantAwesome: What would be awesome is if you were here
CutieFrog: Nothing’s stopping me…but I didn’t get an invite
StaffSergeantAwesome: Consider this your invite
Sarah stared at her computer. Was this really happening? Chris Miles just invited her over and she had basically begged him to.
CutieFrog: Do you think it’s a good idea?
She bit her lip nervously as she waited for him to respond. She was being crazy and rash and all sorts of things.
She was about to have a baby, for goodness sake. A baby! And it wasn’t Chris’. And Chris had no idea. And a mother-to-be had no business dating or flirting with guys or going over to their houses.
But oh, Sarah wanted to.
She had wanted Chris for as long as she could remember. She’d told Garrett about it one drunken night. He’d been decidedly quiet on the topic, but promised not to say anything to Chris about it. She felt bad for putting her brother in the middle of things, bad for telling him she was falling for his best friend.
The truth was that she and Chris shared a certain bond now, though. No one could really understand what it was like to lose someone you loved more than anything else. No one could know what it felt like to have to say goodbye to your best friend unless they’d lost theirs.
And Chris had.
And so had she.
StaffSergeantAwesome: I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had
CutieFrog: What’s your address?
StaffSergeantAwesome: I thought you’d never ask
She jotted down his house number and ran to her bedroom to change. She tried three different outfits before she finally settled on black leggings and a pink tunic shirt. She was all about baggy shirts these days. She knew they made her look fat, but looking fat was better than looking pregnant when you weren’t ready to tell anyone.
She couldn’t drink, obviously, but she could come up with any number of excuses for that. I’m dieting or it’s against my religion could work, right?
Sarah tried not to think too much about what it was going to be like to be alone – really alone – with Chris for the first time. She was nervous and anxious and just a little bit horny. Stupid second trimester. Her doctor had warned her this would happen. It did to everyone, she had said.
Still, Sarah had managed to get by with just her dildo and her favorite dirty books this entire time. She wasn’t so naïve to think that Chris would want to fuck her tonight, or at all. After all, maybe he considered her to be off limits. Maybe he thought she was just his friend’s little sister and nothing more.
She didn’t know.
What she did know was that after tonight, nothing was going to be the same as it was before. No matter what happened, no matter how much fun they had and whether or not they fooled around, hanging out alone was a big step. No matter what anyone said, it was important to Sarah.
And Chris was important to her.
She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He opened it a few seconds later. Shirtless, he was wearing only sweatpants and a smile. He had a bottle of wine in his hand.
“Hey gorgeous,” he slurred. “Come on in.”
6
“You’re drunk,” she said, and he nodded. He didn’t say anything else, though, just moved aside so she could squeeze in.
She slipped through the narrow doorway into the tiny house.
“Nice place,” she commented.
“It’s a rental,” he said, and headed back into the living room. She closed the door and followed him into the white-and-blue room. The floral-patterned couch looked out of place in what was otherwise a rather masculine space. He had a large TV with several gaming consoles and a couple of bookshelves that were full.
A pizza was on the coffee table and Sarah’s stomach rumbled embarrassingly loudly.
“Have a seat,” he motioned toward the couch and grabbed a piece of pepperoni. He put it on a paper plate and passed it to her, then sat down beside her. His body pressed next to hers. Despite the lengthy couch, he had chosen to sit directly next to her.
Sarah tried to focus.
Just eat the pizza. Just one bite at a time. Just think about your pizza and not how much you want to straddle his thighs.
“Oh, fuck me,” Chris groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “What are you doing to me, Sarah?”
Shit.
She hadn’t meant to say those things out loud.
“Um…dammit, I’m sorry.” She flushed. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. I, um…I should go.” She stood awkwardly and looked at him for a second before turning to leave, but he called her back.
“Sarah, don’t go. It’s fine. It’s just…” He paused, searching for the right word. She moved back toward the couch, but didn’t sit. She just stood beside it with her hand on the back.
Chris looked troubled. She’d seen the same look in the mirror many times over the last few months.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have come over. It’s not really fair to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re a great guy, Chris. You’re a great guy and I’m…complicated. My life is a mess. You really have no idea just how messed up it is.”
“Can’t be worse than mine.”
“I’m pregnant,” she blurted out, and instantly wished she could take the words back.
“What?” He looked up at her, dropping his hands from his chin. “What?” He repeated, as if he wasn’t quite sure he had heard her correctly.
“I’m going to have a baby. That’s why I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry. I’ll just go,” she turned again, but before she reached the doorway, she felt his hand on her arm. She allowed herself to be gently tugged back to the couch. Then he sat and yank
ed her into his lap.
“Do your parents know?”
She shook her head.
“No one knows. There was…there was never a good time to tell anyone.” She teared up and felt stupid. She wished she wasn’t tempted to cry. What the hell was wrong with her? It was just a baby.
It’s not like she was the first person to ever get pregnant at an inconvenient time.
But then, that was just it.
She was pregnant at an inconvenient time.
And the one person she could trust with her secret, the one person she knew would understand, the one person she wanted to talk to more than anyone else, was gone.
And he wasn’t coming back.
“Garrett knew.” Chris commented. He slowly pet her hair. The gesture made her feel like a sweet little princess, like she was special, like she was the most important girl in the world.
For just a moment, Sarah began to feel like nothing could go wrong as long as he just kept touching her.
“He knew. He was the only one I told.”
“He warned me you were complicated,” Chris said.
“You told my brother you liked me?” Her heart soared, but she wasn’t sure that it should. Garrett had been right. Sarah was complicated and she would be for a long time.
For the next 18 years, at least.
She tried not to worry about that, tried not to think about how much it would hurt when she was turned down for dates in the future or when men didn’t want to be around someone with a kid.
Her baby was the most important thing. She knew that.
“No, I didn’t tell him I liked you. He just knew. Garrett was a smart cookie, you know?” Chris moved his hand so he was rubbing her back instead of her hair. She let out a groan and he chuckled. “Like that, princess?”
“Yeah, I like that.”
“Tell me about the father,” he said.
Sarah shrugged. What was there to say? Jared had been a one-hit wonder. She had met him online and in an unusual burst of excitement and bravery, she had gone out with him. That was really all there was to tell.
The next day, he had left without so much as a “that was fun.” When she found out she was pregnant, she had texted him out of courtesy, and he had offered to pay for half of an abortion.
Sarah had deleted his number.
“Remember that really bad date I went on back in April?”
“No,” he said, his voice full of disbelief. “That loser?”
“Yeah,” she blushed. How could she have been so stupid? “I got caught up in the moment. I felt lonely and he was there. I thought we were just going to have a little fun, but…” She shrugged. “We didn’t use a condom. Rookie mistake, right? I wish we had. At least I could tell people it broke or that I had done everything in my power to be smart. I mean, it’s the 21st century. Who just ‘accidentally’ gets pregnant, right?”
“Does the guy know?”
“He knows, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby,” she touched her tummy, and to her surprise, Chris did, too.
“He’s stupid, Sarah. He’s an idiot.”
“You aren’t upset?”
“Why would I be upset? A baby is a beautiful thing, Sarah. A gift to the world, and you, darling, are going to be one kick-ass mom.”
She did start crying then, and buried her head in his shoulder.
“Why are you being so cool about this?” She asked. “You aren’t even mad.”
“Sarah, you already know I care about you. A lot. This baby is a part of you, honey. I might not be able to promise you money or riches or a world of possibilities, but I can promise you that I will take care of you and I will take care of your baby, okay?”
She cried some more until she had nothing left, then she finally slid off Chris’ lap, embarrassed at her outburst.
“Tissue?” He asked knowingly, and handed her a box.
She blew her nose, wiped her face, then ate some pizza. They watched TV in silence for a little while, then Sarah finally fell asleep on Chris’ couch, her feet propped up in his lap, and her belly full.
Things might not have gone according to plan, but at least he hadn’t freaked out when she told him.
Maybe life was looking up after all.
7
Chris couldn’t believe what had happened. Sarah was pregnant. She was completely, totally, 100% knocked up, and he didn’t care at all.
He still wanted her.
Only now he wanted them. He wanted to be a dad, to have a family with her. He wanted to raise this little kid with her, to give him or her the best life possible. Chris didn’t care the baby wouldn’t have his genes. That stuff didn’t matter to him. It would still be his.
And this baby would be loved.
He had been drunk when she arrived, but now he wasn’t even buzzed. He just watched her sleep for a little while and thought about how he could help her, how he could make her happy.
Carefully, he got off the couch and brought a blanket over to her. He draped it over her body and tucked it around her, then headed back to the bedroom.
Damn. He had a lot to do.
His apartment was small, but comfortable. They could live here while the baby was little, but they’d need to move to a bigger place eventually. They’d want a house with a yard where their baby could run around, where he or she could play with toys and run and have fun.
But Chris was getting ahead of himself. He tended to do that. Sarah hadn’t even said she would be with him, would be his girl. She hadn’t said she wanted him in her baby’s life or that she’d be willing to let him help her raise the child. The only thing Sarah had admitted to was liking him and caring about him.
But was that enough?
He wanted to think so, but he was tired, and he knew he’d be able to act more rationally when he’d gotten some sleep. Chris laid his head down and soon was drifting off to sleep. His dreams were filled with diapers and pacifiers, and when he woke, he hopped out of bed.
He was worried she’d be gone, that she would have sneaked out in the middle of the night. Sarah was special, but she was timid sometimes, and nervous. Chris didn’t want her to think she was anything less than perfect, but he had to be careful with her.
She wasn’t used to having someone to take care of her.
When he headed into the hall, he smelled coffee, and his whole body relaxed.
She hadn’t left.
Sarah was still here.
He walked into the kitchen and took a good, long look at her. She was wearing one of his t-shirts, but it was a little snug on her, and he could see the roundness of her little belly.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” she said, pushing a cup of coffee into his hands. He looked down at it, then back at her.
“Is coffee okay to…” He stopped when he saw the glare she was shooting him, so he backed up and tried again. “What I mean is, thank you for the coffee. I wasn’t sure if it would hurt the baby.” He looked at her belly and she patted it.
“Coffee is fine in moderation. Don’t worry. My doctor and I went over all of that on day one. I hope you don’t mind me wearing your shirt. I sneaked into your room earlier and grabbed one,” she blushed when she said it, and he realized he’d been sleeping in the nude.
“Why little Sarah,” he murmured, taking a step forward. “Did you see me without my pants on?”
“No,” she said, but her face turned a little more red.
“I should spank you for lying, naughty girl,” he said.
“You wouldn’t,” she squeaked, but her eyes got a little bigger. Was his cutie into a little kink with her play? He wondered.
There was only one way to find out.
“Yes, I would, Sarah,” he said, stepping forward. “If my girl needed a spanking to keep her in line, I absolutely would bend her over my knee and swat her bottom.”
She licked her lips, and he knew he’d met his match.
“Is that so?” She whispered, meeting his eyes. He had to give it to
her: his little kitten was brave. She wasn’t backing down even though she was obviously nervous around him. She was obviously a bit timid.
He wasn’t sure why. This was him, after all. Chris and Sarah: they’d been friends for months. He bet no one knew his little kitten quite as well as he did. He knew all her little quirks: like how she liked to dip her chocolate cookies in peanut butter before she ate them, or how she couldn’t fall asleep with socks on.
Then something hit Chris with a hard realization.
“Sarah,” he said, taking a step closer to her.
“Yes, Chris?” She stood perfectly still, but he saw her body tense.
“Have you been with anyone since you got pregnant?”
“No,” she whispered.
“You haven’t?”
“No,” she said again, shaking her head.
“Sarah,” he murmured. He was right in front of her now, almost touching her. Their bodies were so close that if he breathed deeply, his belly would touch hers.
“Chris,” she said. The air was thick with tension. They’d both slept, so he couldn’t blame this on being tired or drunk. They’d spent a lot of time together online and a little bit in “real” life. They knew each other. They knew they were both complicated.
This wasn’t something they were doing on a whim.
So when Chris finally stepped forward once more and gathered Sarah in his arms, he knew it wasn’t something rash he was doing in the moment. He knew pressing his lips against her wasn’t a way of coping with his pain or trying to heal hers.
He was kissing her because he needed her.
He was kissing her because if he didn’t get his lips on hers, he was going to die.
That was all there was to it.
“Chris,” she murmured against his mouth, and that made him even harder. Chris thought there must be something wrong with him, something wicked. Here he was, trying to seduce his best friend’s little sister. He should be trying to comfort her, trying to help her remember how special she was.
