I guess that’s what happens when you decide to throw caution to the wind and not wrap your dick up. You get girls pregnant and then your entire life changes in a flash.
I’m not going to pretend I wouldn’t go back in time and change things, do them differently, be smart, because I would. I know many others who’ve found themselves in my same situation would too, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love Xavier—or Xavie, as I like to call him—with my whole heart. He’s my everything and I’m thankful he came into my life, no matter how unplanned he was.
“Oh, you want to eat?” He nods. “No one ever said I had to feed you.”
He furrows his brows. “Toys, love, and food—those are things dads give their kids.”
I chuckle. “Is that so?”
“Yep. Momma said so.”
“Did she throw the toys in there or did you?”
He grins and shrugs before scurrying off my bed. “She did. Now come on—I’m not getting any younger.”
Xavie runs out of the room, his curly hair bouncing the entire way.
I pull myself up and hit the bathroom. I kick away the toys lining the tile, reminding myself to have Xavie clean his mess before he has to go to his mom’s later tonight.
“Are you coming?”
I give my dick a good shake and wash my hands while trying not to let out a weary sigh.
If anyone in the history of ever said kids aren’t exhausting, they’re a damn liar.
Xavie is the most exhausting thing to ever happen to me. He’s needy, he’s pushy, and he can be so annoying.
But he’s mine, and I’d die for the kid.
“Hold your horses,” I tell him as I dry my hands.
“I can’t. They’re out of control!”
I amble through our small apartment and head into the kitchen, where I find him already sitting at the counter, ready to eat.
“Whatcha want, Xavie?”
“Waffles…bacon…sausage…biscuits and gravy. Pancakes too!”
I lift a brow, and he giggles.
“Okay, okay. Just waffles.”
“With peanut butter and strawberries on top?”
He nods enthusiastically. “Please.”
“Coming right up.”
I pull open the freezer door, grab the bag of pre-made waffles, and begin preparing them. I used to spend my Sunday nights in front of the latest gaming console with a burrito in one hand and a joint in the other. Now I use them for meal-prepping and making lunches.
Parenthood does weird things to a person.
The doorbell chimes and Xavie hops off his stool, running to the front door as fast as his little legs can carry him. “I’ll get it!”
“Make sure you look out the peephole so you know it’s not a creeper.”
One of the biggest selling points for this apartment was how kid-friendly it is. They have an adult-level peephole and one for kiddos—that shit is brilliant.
“Is Uncle Zach a creeper?” The kid’s voice is full of excitement because he is in love with my best friend.
In a weird turn of events, I met Zach the same night I got my ex-girlfriend pregnant.
I ran into the back of his way-too-expensive car at the stoplight outside a strip club. Instead of being mad, Zach took me inside and bought me a lap dance because he’d had a good damn day at work.
Sure, it was only one of those eighteen-plus clubs, and it was only four in the afternoon on a random Thursday so the best of the best wasn’t in the lineup, but we bonded over titties like you wouldn’t believe.
Haven’t looked back since.
Xavie wouldn’t be here without him either, not only because Zach is the best support system in the entire fucking world, but because that lap dance he bought me led to some crazy sex with Xavie’s mom.
Life is strange.
“The biggest one I know. Don’t let him in.”
“I’m not a creep. I’m awesome,” Zach says once Xavie opens the door. “What’s up, buddy?”
I chuckle every time he says this because he sounds exactly like Pauly Shore. One day when he’s older, I’ll have to introduce my son to the actor that ruled my childhood so he can finally understand why his Uncle Zach is both the coolest and lamest guy ever.
“It’s weird not having to pick up your dirty socks. You should come hang with me and Delia sometime soon, maybe give your dad a break from your special brand of crazy.”
He’s not wrong. It’s been a few months now, but I’m still getting used to living on my own. We were roommates up until recently when Zach met “the one” and kicked his first love—me—to the curb.
Kidding…mostly.
In all fairness, when I noticed Zach was ready to take the next step, I opted to move out. Besides, it was time. I’d spent too many years living with him, and if I was ever going to start taking my adulthood seriously, I needed to fucking scoot.
So, here I am: twenty-six and in my very first two-bedroom apartment with my seven-year-old son. We’re making it work, and I’m doing a damn good job…most days.
I mean, I did just almost have sex with a stranger in a bathroom four days ago.
It’s called balance.
“I’m not that crazy,” my son argues back.
“I beg to differ,” I say.
“Keep it up and I’m gonna move in with Uncle Zach.”
As they stroll into the kitchen, I pull the waffles from the microwave and plate them, then grab the peanut butter and strawberries from the fridge. I place them out on the counter with a butter knife and point a finger his way. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“Worst. Dad. Ever,” Zach says, taking a seat at the bar. “I’ll take two, please.”
“You’ll make your own.”
“Come on, be a good sport.”
“Yeah, Dad. Uncle Zach drove all the way over here to have breakfast with us and you won’t even feed him? I thought that’s what dads are supposed to do—give toys, food, and love.”
“To kids.”
“Uncle Zach is the biggest kid I know.”
Zach fist-bumps him. “Right on, little man. Right on.”
I stare at my best friend, mouth hanging open in shock. “You’ve turned my own spawn against me? That’s messed up, man.”
He shrugs and reaches across the counter to grab two waffles. “Can you pass the peanut butter?”
“I hate you,” I mutter as I slide it his way.
He opens the jar and begins slathering the creamy substance on his waffles, grinning. “I love you too.”
“Aww,” Xavie teases, and I throw a hand towel at him.
He giggles and dives into his own breakfast.
“So, how are things? I haven’t talked to you in days, man.”
“Things are…” I start, memories of Monty flashing before my eyes.
I should talk to him about her. Zach’s a female whisperer or some shit like that. For being such a huge nerd, the dude has game that makes even me swoon.
“Xavie, how about you take your waffles into the living room.”
His little eyes widen to twice their normal size. “The living room? With food? And TV?” His voice is about two pitches higher than usual because I never let him watch TV while he eats his breakfast.
Today I’m making an exception. I need help getting a certain ginger out of my head, and I need my best friend to help me. The last thing my son needs to hear is details of the weekend I had while he was at his mom’s.
“Yep. TV too. Just this once though.”
“Can I have some juice?”
That’s where I draw the line. “Out there? No way. Juice stays in the kitchen.”
I grab a cup from the cabinet and the orange juice from the fridge, pouring him half a glass. He chugs it down quick.
“Thanks. I’ll come back when I want more.”
Then he grabs his plate and takes off for the living room. I’ve never seen a kid walk so cautiously before. He knows he better not drop a single crumb on the flo
or.
Zach chuckles. “You’ve got that turd trained.”
“Someone needed to.”
“What’s up? Why’d you kick him out?”
“Well…” I rub the back of my neck, trying to figure out how I want to phrase this.
“You got someone else pregnant.”
I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him. “No. Stop it, you ass.”
He presses his lips together, trying to hold in his laughter. “Right. Sorry. What then?”
“I met someone.”
“What about Holly?”
Up until two months ago, I thought Xavie’s mom would be my endgame. I thought me finally getting my shit together and getting a place of my own was the icing on the cake. We’d stop our back-and-forth, on-and-off bull and take a real stab at being a united front for our son, maybe even fall in love and get married.
But that’s not how it happened, and I’m done trying.
Holly and I aren’t destined to be together, and I’ve finally accepted that. As much as I don’t want my son to grow up with a broken family, I can’t force things with his mother. That’ll be worse for him than if we just call it what it is and do our own thing.
We promised we’d stand united, even went back to court and reworked the custody agreement so our time with our son was split right down the middle. So far, it’s worked out great.
“We’re done for good.”
Zach’s lips tilt up in the corners, and then a full smile spreads across his face. “I’m happy to hear that.”
He was never a fan of Holly. Shit was bad when Xavie was first born, and we were both so young that we didn’t deal with anything in a healthy manner. Zach’s never forgiven her for it, which is crazy because he isn’t really one to hold grudges.
It’s his love for my son, who truly is practically his nephew, and for me that keeps him angry at her.
I kind of love the moron for it, but I also wish he’d just get over it and be friendly with her since she’s still such a big part of our lives.
He takes a bite of his waffles and chews before saying, “This girl then—what about her?”
“We sort of…hooked up.”
He mumbles something, but I can’t make it out through the food jammed in his mouth.
“In the bathroom at Lola’s.”
He sputters, choking on his breakfast. Loud coughs fill the room and I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, sliding it his way.
He nods and cracks it open, taking a drink.
“Is Uncle Zach dying?” Xavie calls out from the living room.
“We hope so! I think I’m in his will.”
“Yay, money!”
Laughter bursts out of Zach and water covers the counter.
“What in the hell are you teaching your child?”
I shrug, grabbing a new towel and cleaning up the mess. “I don’t know where he gets that shit.”
“Uh huh.” He takes another drink. “Okay, now details. I need details.”
I rest against the counter and lean his way so we can talk quietly without little ears hearing all this.
“I got her with a one-liner, man. We clicked, she said she wanted to kiss me, I took her into the bathroom, and…yeah. Shit happened.”
Zach squints. “What does ‘shit happened’ mean exactly?”
“It means…” I can still remember the way her legs quivered around my waist as she came, the way she squeezed her eyes shut—all of it. Can’t get it out of my head. “It means we, you know, fooled around.”
He peers over his shoulder, eyes darting to the living room to make sure Xavie isn’t within earshot. When he turns back to me, he mimics a blow job.
I crack up laughing and shake my head no.
Then he sticks his tongue out, moving it around in a chaotic fashion. It’s disgusting and hilarious all at once.
“If that’s your version of what I think it is, I feel bad for Delia.”
He grins. “Nah, she loves it—but is that the ‘shit’ that happened?”
“No.” I lift my hand and wiggle my fingers his way.
“You fisted her?” His ass comes off the seat as he whisper-yells the question, now leaning over the counter just inches from my face, mouth slackened and eyes wide.
I shake my head in disbelief, laughing as I smash my hand to his face and push him away.
“I cannot believe I’m friends with you. No, you moron.”
“Oh.” He sits back down, brows squished together in concentration. Then it clicks. “Oh! Finger-banging, huh? That makes more sense than fisting on the first date.”
“Or fisting ever.”
He gets this wistful look about him. “I remember one time with Delia—”
“Nope. No. Not hearing about you two fisting.”
“No, not fisting. Fing—”
“Still not hearing it.”
He rolls his eyes. “Whatever. What’s going on then? Why are you bringing this up now? We’ve been at work together all week and you’re only just now talking about it. What gives?”
“Because I’ve woken up with a hard cock every fucking day since it happened. After she came all over me, she bailed.”
“And you’re all hung up because you didn’t get your rocks off?”
“I…well, shit.” I scratch at my week-old beard, knowing I should probably shave today. “That could be it, could be why I can’t get her out of my head.”
“She’s the one that got away.”
“In a sense.”
He narrows his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“She left her number.”
“And you haven’t called her because…”
“Because…she’s different.”
“She doesn’t look like the girls you’re always after—so what? Big deal. Call her anyway.”
“Zach, dude, I’m telling you—”
“She’s different—yeah, I got that. How?”
“Monty is…innocent. She just has that look about her that says girl next door. She’s all buttoned up and…reserved.” I hold my tattooed arms out. “I’m clearly not.”
Zach stares hard at me, and I wonder what’s going through his head.
We both know I’m not one to go for the girls who have clearly spent more time hidden inside their safe little bedrooms than in bars.
He might be onto something here. Maybe the reason I can’t get Monty out of my head is because we didn’t finish what we started. Maybe it’s because I don’t know what she’d feel like beneath me and I need to know…for research purposes. Science and all that shit.
Yeah. That’s totally the reason.
“Get your phone out.”
My attention snaps to Zach and his hardened expression. “Huh?”
“Get your phone out. You’re texting her.”
“I am not.”
“You’re taking this Monty broad to Funkytown whether you like it or not. Phone—now.”
I shake my head. “No. She ran for a reason, dude.”
He gives me one of his famous all-knowing grins, and I want to slap the glasses off his nerdy, handsome face. “She gave you her number for a reason too.”
He’s not wrong.
I pull my phone from my pocket.
Me: Hey. This is Robbie. From Lola’s.
“Smooth,” Zach murmurs.
“Shut the fuck up.”
I carefully fold the paper towel I got her number off of and slide it back into my sleep pants. I don’t know why I want to keep it even though it’s now saved to my contacts, but I do. There’s something about it that feels so…old school. No one writes their number down anymore. It makes me a little sentimental.
We watch my phone like two insane people, agonizing every time the three familiar dots appear and disappear.
“Maybe if you had opened with something better, she’d have a responded already.”
“I already used my best one-liner on her when I met her.”
“What was that?�
�� He gasps. “You didn’t use the angel one, did you? Because that one is horrible.”
“No. I asked her if she wanted to see my python.”
He nearly falls off the stool from laughing so hard, and I love that I didn’t have to explain it to him at all.
“Fucking genius,” he says, pulling his black frames off his face and wiping away the tears that have formed in his eyes. “Even I would have followed you into the bathroom after that one.”
I smirk. “I wouldn’t have to use any lines on you.”
“Only because I’m easy.”
“I’m sure Delia loves that.”
He snorts and stands, grabbing his plate and walking it over to the sink. He also rinses it and puts it in the dishwasher like the good little houseguest he is.
He tugs the fridge open and pulls out the leftover pizza from last night, flips open the lid, and shoves a slice in his piehole.
“Sure, help yourself, man.”
“Thanks.” Or at least that’s what I think he says through the mouthful of food.
My phone vibrates against the countertop and I freeze.
Then I spring into action. I snap it up and dance my fingers over the screen to enter my passcode, eager to see what she’s responded with.
Monty: Oh.
“What the…”
I show Zach my phone and he shrugs.
“Beats the shit outta me, man.”
I quickly respond.
Me: I can’t tell if that’s a bad “oh” or a good “OH”.
Monty: It’s a surprised oh.
Me: A good surprise?
Monty: Good.
Monty: I think.
Me: I was going to call…
Monty: I would not have answered.
Me: Um…okay.
Monty: That sounded so rude. I’m sorry. I just meant I wouldn’t have answered because talking on the phone makes me want to vomit. I can’t handle it.
Me: I like that answer much more.
Monty: Me too.
“See, you just needed to break the ice. Now you two are chatting and you can throw in there how you wanna bang her and all that. It’ll be great.”
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