“Shut up,” she gasps.
“And, apparently he wanted to all this time.”
“Oh my God. The idiot. And now it’s too late.” I know my face falls when she says that and she tips her head to one side. “Well, I mean, now that you’ve hooked up with his brothers. And we need to talk about that part. I want all the details. We can compare notes.”
“Oh my God,” I say. “Now I know why you have a permanent smile on your face.”
I look at my friend and the glow she’s been radiating since she finally admitted her feelings for Eth and Nath and settled into a relationship with them. That’s what you call inner happiness. It shines from deep inside.
“Was it just a one-night thing?” she asks.
“No, but they’re going back to New York in a few weeks.”
“And then it’ll be just you and Bryan.” Carrie winks suggestively. This is the girl who found a way to tell her mom and stepfather that she was having a polygamous relationship with her stepbrothers. I guess once you have achieved that feat you’re going to be the kind of person who thinks that anything is possible. I’m finding it hard to think that anything is possible right now.
“I don’t think things will ever work out with Bryan.” Admitting that to Carrie is like finally admitting it to myself. I get a lump in my throat again. Just as she starts to tell me that anything is possible, Nathan heads to the front door and is followed into the house by Bryan and the twins. When my eyes meet Bryan’s I get a shiver down my back. He’s so damn sexy but it’s the worry I see in his gaze that hits me in the heart. I smile but it feels small on my face. Smaller than he deserves as a friend who I know is worried about me, but I can’t help it because I’m still so mad at him. Jason and Austin appear behind him. They all look so much alike that I want to laugh. Doug must have some mighty powerful genes to override two women’s genetic material so much. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were triplets.
The twins smile. They look naughty which I like. I love the way they’re not treating me like I might break down at any point. Carrie nudges me in a totally obvious and very mortifying way.
“You go girl,” she mutters under her breath.
“Says the girl who’s already there!” I laugh.
“Hell yeah. I’m living proof of the merits of multiple love.” She rubs her stomach and beams. Ethan comes into the room carrying a tray of mimosas in tall glasses and she watches him hungrily as he passes. “Damn, look at that ass.”
“Carrie!”
“What? He’s mine. I can ogle him if I want.”
“God,” I say, but inside I’m so happy for her I could burst. Life is for living. That’s what Jason said and Carrie is living proof that seizing what you want is the way to happiness. Love has made her like a super charged version of herself. Gone are the insecurities and inhibitions. I feel a pang of emptiness that my life is still so different than hers.
When I look up I can see Austin staring over. This time he does look worried. He must be able to tell that my mood has changed. I tell Carrie I have to use the bathroom and she looks at me seriously again. For a moment I curse the fact that I can’t conceal my emotions for shit. My mom always said I was as transparent as a window. I head toward the hall and when I reach the door to the restroom, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I’m expecting it to be Austin but it’s Carrie. She’s followed me out of the room and now that we’re out of view of the other guests, she’s not going to wait for answers.
“Tell me what’s going on with you,” she says.
“I don’t want to spoil your day. Please.”
“Even if you hadn’t said anything I’d know there was something up. I can feel it…your anxiety.”
I sigh and look to the ceiling, trying to control my emotions. If I have to spill my awful news, I’m going to do it with restraint. Carrie doesn’t deserve to have be blubbing all over her sweet blouse.
“I found a lump in my breast.”
“Oh my god,” she says. “When?”
“A few days ago. Well, it was Austin that found it. He’s a med student.”
I can see that she’s getting emotional and I feel so terrible. “It’s okay. I’ve had a scan and a biopsy and I’ll have the results soon. It could be nothing. Maybe it’s benign. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.”
“Yeah, it’s probably nothing.” She pulls me into a ridiculously awkward embrace where we struggle to hold onto each other around her monster bump. Even though she’s trying to sound upbeat, there is a desperation to her hug that shows her true feelings.
I pull back and smile as broadly as I can manage. “Anyway, I really need to pee.”
Carrie opens her mouth as though she wants to say more but must see how difficult this is for me. “We’ll talk later, okay?” she says as I back my way into the bathroom.
“Sure,” I reply. I’m in there for a while, looking at myself in the mirror. So much has changed in my life recently that I feel different. In some ways I look different too. Tired. My sleep hasn’t been great due to all the anxiety. My hair and skin look duller. I take a deep breath and rub my hands over my face. Telling Carrie was hard and although she tried to be reassuring, I know she’s worried. I just hope it won’t overshadow her happy day. When I eventually exit the bathroom, I look to the side and see Carrie in the kitchen being hugged by Nathan. His eyes catch mine over her shoulder, and he looks so sorry for me that all the resolve I just built up seems to crumble away. I turn to follow the hallway to the front door so I can take a moment outside in the fresh air to regain my composure but Bryan is standing between me and where I need to go. I start to walk and wait for him to move but he doesn’t immediately. He’s looking at me with yet more worry and I feel like I need to scream. I need Jason and Austin to make me feel normal again. I need them to focus on silly things like comics so that I don’t have to think about anything serious.
“Katy,” he says, resting his hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off and push past him. As I reach the door I can hear him behind me. “Wait,” he says but I don’t listen.
In the driveway I stop and rest my hands on my thighs. I take deep breaths because I need to stop the swimming feeling in my head. I expect Bryan to leave me alone. That’s what he’s best at right? But he does what I least expect and puts his arms around me and pulls me close to his chest.
“I’ve got you, okay?” he says, kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back. For about a minute I lean against him, weeping silent tears and soaking up the unbelievable comfort I feel in his arms. This is Bryan, the man I have yearned for for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to not have him in my mind and my heart. This is the man who’s always been there but never in the way I needed or wanted. And now he is. Now he’s doing exactly what I need but it still isn’t enough. This feels like pity, not affection, not caring and certainly not love.
Eventually I turn myself so I’m looking up at him. I need to see what’s in his eyes. I need him to see what’s in mine. We gaze at each other, his furrowed brow seeming to show his concern. His breathing is fast, and his grip around me is still as fierce. I’m about to tell him I need to go when he bends his head and presses his lips to mine.
I’m frozen. Everything in me stops while I take in what is happening. Bryan is kissing me, and it’s soft and gentle and exactly what I hoped it would be. His hand goes to my cheek, fingers slipping into my hair as he angles my face to his. The press of his lips, the slow movement of his mouth is so good that all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. My hands itch to pull him towards me and for a few moments I slip into the world where this kiss means everything I want it to mean. That he loves me the way I love him. That he’s willing to make a go of a relationship with me in the way I’d always dreamed. But as Bryan seems to lose himself in the moment and the kiss becomes more demanding, my heart seems to close. This isn’t what I want. This is about him being worried for me. It’s about him not knowing how to make things better. It’s about
him trying in the only way he knows, and it hurts.
I push against his chest and pull back. His eyes seem glazed and his lips are swollen from our kiss. He puts his hand to my cheek again and I take hold of his wrist. It’s that motion that makes him realize that things are not how he was expecting.
“Katy,” he says.
“This is not what I need,” I tell him, lowering his hand and letting it drop to his side.
He looks confused. “I thought…”
“You feel sorry for me, and you know what, Bryan? That feels shit.” He shakes his head but he doesn’t say anything to deny it. “Tell Carrie I left okay. Tell her I’m okay but I can’t be around people today.
“You don’t need to go,” he says. “I’ll go if that’s what you want.”
“That’s not it. Go back inside with your brothers. I’m going home.”
I turn and stride down the driveway and onto the sidewalk, hurrying to where I parked my car. When I get into the driver’s seat, I look back toward the house and see the three brothers in the doorway, all with their hands in their pockets, watching me leave.
And although I know that leaving is the right thing to do right now, I still feel like I leave my heart behind in Carrie’s family driveway.
12
The waiting is hard. I just want to know what the results of my biopsy are so I can deal with it head on. I sleep badly after Carrie’s baby shower. She called me when it was done and we had a short chat about the tough subject of the C-word and a very long chat about the subject of Bryan and the twins. Bless her, she still can’t get her head around me following in her footsteps, or the fact that Bryan has confessed his feelings but is still not really following through. She was even more surprised when I told her about our parents’ marital intentions. At least my current ‘situation’ is putting all that on hold for a while.
It’s 9am when my phone rings. I’m just stepping out of the shower and when I see it’s Nathan. We don’t usually talk on the phone so I know this must be him calling with some news.
“She’s gone into labor hasn’t she?” I squeal.
“Yeah. We’re on our way to the hospital,” he says sounding breathless. “She’s in a lot of pain.”
“Well, I think that’s kinda standard when you’re having a baby.”
“I don’t know. She’s bleeding a little too.”
“Bleeding.”
“Yeah.”
“You need to get her there as quickly as you can,” I say. I put Nathan on speaker and start to throw on my clothes. I may not have any real life experience of having babies but I’ve watched enough hospital dramas to know that any kind of bleeding is bad. My heart starts pounding as I hear Carrie moaning in the background. I hear Ethan’s voice saying something in a soothing tone.
“Ethan’s driving,” Nathan says, as though that’s enough for me to understand they’re going as fast as they can.
“I’m on my way to the hospital,” I say. “She’ll be fine. They’ll all be fine.”
Nathan is quiet for a moment. “We’ll see you there,” he says.
I hang up the phone and slip on my sneakers, then grab my purse and coat and I’m running out the door as fast as I can. The drive to the hospital passes in a blur. I know I speed most of the way and swear at a few too many slow drivers, but I need to know what’s going on. I need to be there for my friend.
In the lot, I swing my car into a tiny space and dash into the main reception. It takes a while for me to work out where I’m going, but then I’m sprinting toward the maternity unit as fast as my little legs will carry me.
I buzz at the door to the maternity unit and once I’m in I ask the lady at reception where Carrie is. She consults a piece of paper in front of her and then points me down the hallway to the waiting room. When I round the corner I see Ethan and Nathan sitting on chairs with their heads in their hands. I’m not expecting them to be out here. They should be in with Carrie supporting her through this. I’m about to tell them that when Nathan looks up. His eyes are red and his cheeks are wet. My knees almost give way.
“What’s going on?”
“She’s been rushed into the operating room,” he says. Ethan looks up and his face is as devastated as his brothers.
“For a C-Section?”
“Yeah. She’s was bleeding a lot when we got here. They didn’t even really talk to us, just put her on a gurney and wheeled her away. Then a nurse came out and said they think she has a ruptured placenta.”
“Oh.” I take a seat next to Ethan and rest my hand on his shoulder. “She’s going to be okay. She’s in the best place and they probably deal with this kind of thing all the time.”
They both nod but don’t say anything.
We sit and wait in silence. Neither of the twins is in any state to deal with people, so I send a quick message to Bryan to let him know what’s happening. Just as I’m pressing send, Carrie’s mom and the twin’s dad burst into the waiting room. The twins are up on their feet in a second to hug their parents and everyone looks so worried. I stand and hug Carrie’s mom and do the only thing I can do; reassure her that everything is going to be fine, even though I know I don’t know anything.
We all sit down and wait in silence. It’s about ten more minutes before a woman in scrubs emerges from behind the doors to the surgical wing.
We all stand and she comes to stand in front of the twins.
“Your daughters have been born and they’re fine. We’re taking them to the NICU because they’re a little on the small side.”
For a moment I breathe a sigh of relief that there is good news, but it is short lived.
“I’m afraid there have been some serious complications for Carrie.”
I stand, looking at the back of this medical professional’s head, not wanting to believe what I fear she’s about to say. My hand goes to my mouth because I’m crying and I don’t want to make the terrible sound that I can feel is about to force its way from deep inside me. My friend.
“She has a rare complication called Amniotic Fluid Embolism.”
It takes a moment for me to realize that the doctor or nurse is speaking about Carrie in the present tense. “What does that mean?” Carrie’s mom asks. Her face is so grave and ashen.
“It means that some of the fluid or cells from the babies has crossed into Carrie’s blood stream. It’s triggered a severe allergic reaction.”
“She’s allergic to the babies?” Ethan asks, sounding confused.
“Not to the babies as such. The presence of this foreign matter in her system has disrupted her own functions. She’s suffered cardiorespiratory failure and hemorrhaging, and the team are working to stabilize her.”
“She’s had a heart attack?” The twins’ dad says slowly, as though he can’t believe it could be true. I can’t believe it either. She was fine yesterday. She’s so young.
“It’s a very rare complication but very serious.”
“You mean she could die?” Ethan says so quietly I almost don’t hear it. Nathan looks at his brother like he wants to punch him for voicing such a terrible thing, but also like he wants to hug him. They’re locked together in their devastation.
“There is a risk of that. The hemorrhaging she is suffering is very serious.”
“Oh god,” Carrie’s mother says. Her knees seem to go out from under her and Carrie’s stepdad scoops her up and helps her to take a seat. She’s crying so uncontrollably I have to turn my back or else I know I’ll be there with her.
Ethan has his head in his hands and Nathan…I can’t even.
I know I should be stronger. I know I should be able to stand with these people who love my best friend as much as I do, but I can’t. My legs carry me out of that waiting room so fast I don’t register where I’m walking. People passing me stare and for a second I wonder why, before my mind catches up on the fact that I’m crying so hard I’m struggling to catch a breath. Carrie. Fuck.
I start praying for her. I’m not a religio
us person in the true sense but I’m spiritual enough to believe that my pleading for her life is worth a try. She’s a good person, a kind person. She loves her family and friends. She’s loyal and fun and has a whole amazing life in front of her. She doesn’t deserve this fucking twisted set of events. She should be cuddling her babies right now, surrounded by peace and love, not be fighting for her life in some sterile operating room.
I sob, now running through the corridors, desperate for air. My body is racked so hard that I feel bile rise in my throat, and, as I hit the door to the parking lot, I feel myself heave. I make it as far as a patch of soil and plants before I lose my breakfast. I can’t even hold myself up and my knees hurt so badly when I flop down onto them. My fingers are in the dirt but I don’t care. I just want my friend to be okay.
I kneel there, half sobbing, half pleading with the universe to do the right thing for a change, when I sense someone kneeling down next to me. I can’t look to see who it is. Probably hospital security, wondering what I’m doing.
“Katelin?” Bryan’s voice is confused. “Are you sick?” He touches my shoulder and I flinch. “Hey. What’s going on?”
I don’t know how to tell him. I guess Nathan must have called Bryan when he called me so he can’t know yet. I don’t know how to repeat the words that medical professional seemed to spout so easily. For me to say that Carrie might die will make it even more real in my mind and I can’t bear it.
“Carrie’s sick,” I say. It’s all I can manage and I guess Bryan must guess from my current state that it’s serious because he puts his arms around me awkwardly and pulls me into his lap. I know I must stink but he doesn’t seem to care. He holds my head close to his chest and rocks me gently.
“I just…” I don’t know how to tell him how lost I am, how scared I am. In his arms I feel safe but angry. Always angry, because there is so much lingering between us. Why didn’t he care for me enough to tell his dad that I was more important than his stupid rules? Why couldn’t he put me first? I would have for him. I’d have told my mom that the things she was holding out as important were ridiculous. Who cares if our parent’s get married? Not me. But it’s all too late now. My results will be in tomorrow and I know in my heart of hearts what the news is going to be. My family history writes my future. Months of treatment to heal my body from itself, followed by weeks of accepting that nothing will work. Our DNA is a language that our human efforts just don’t seem able to crack, and the gene I carry will score out my destiny in thick black permanent marker.
HUGE X3: A MFMM Menage Stepbrother Romance Page 8
