by Alice Raine
But my moment of peace was suddenly broken by the sound of approaching footsteps and then Marcus’s tentative voice. ‘Sasha? Can I have a word with you, please?’
Everything that had occurred between us last week was still so raw that my initial reaction was to throw out a sarcastic reply and try to protect myself by pushing him away again but, using an incredible amount of self-restraint, I managed to follow Robyn’s advice and control myself.
Apparently, miracles do occur.
Sarcasm might be my defence mechanism, but I really needed to work on tamping it down, because this was a guy I was seriously attracted to, and yet I’d been on the verge of snapping at him before I even knew what he wanted to talk about.
Swallowing my nerves, I looked up and met his gaze. Pain, stress, and tension were swirling across his features, and those emotions resonated with the feelings currently stuck within my own body.
This thing between us really was messed up. It was either me being a bitch to him, or him cuffing me to a flipping bed and not explaining his reasons. His behaviour that night might have made me uneasy, but he hadn’t hurt me in any way, and when I’d asked him to release me, he had immediately done so. And there was also no escaping the fact that the sex both then and the other night had been incredible.
We’d fucked frantically, and it had been hot and hard, but his behaviour hadn’t been that of a sadistic weirdo.
It seemed clear to me that the no touching thing was because he was struggling with some inner turmoil, but what could cause a man to need to cuff a woman to his bed all night? I guess there was only one way I’d ever find out, and it was standing before me right now.
Marcus must have taken my silence as a rejection, because he sighed and went to turn away.
Panicking that he was going to leave, I quickly found my voice. ‘Wait! Marcus.’ My words had the desired effect, and Marcus paused and glanced back at me over his shoulder.
Knowing that I needed to apologise for the way I’d reacted last week, I decided to get it out of the way right from the start. ‘I can be a real bitch sometimes. I’m… I’m so sorry that you misunderstood my expression. It… it wasn’t true what you thought. You thought I regretted what happened in Fantasia, didn’t you? I didn’t, not at all. Please… come and sit?’
Marcus’s gaze intensified at my confession, and then he gave a small, hesitant smile as he swivelled back around and took the sun chair beside me.
‘So, was last week a mistake, or not? Because you certainly looked like it was,’ he asked quietly.
I had no idea how I could have looked so horrified the other night but, judging from the wary expression on his face, it had obviously made him feel like a complete shit. Lowering my mortified cheeks, I shook my head.
‘No. Being with you again… It wasn’t a mistake, it… it was incredible.’
Marcus’s breath seemed to stutter at my whispered words, and even I was struggling with the fact that I was finally saying them out loud. Confessing emotional feelings to a man was certainly a first for me, and it was just as difficult as I had always imagined it might be.
After staring at my twining hands for a minute or so, I finally plucked up the courage to raise my head and look at him. ‘I have no idea why you’re interested in me. I’m such a bitch.’
Marcus frowned and shook his head. ‘You’re beautiful, determined, funny as fuck, and caring. You might want people to think you’re a bitch, Sasha, but I know you’re not.’
‘Yeah, I can be.’ I gave a dry laugh and tried to shrug off his compliments, even if his words had made something inside me feel warm and gooey.
‘Not deep down. I’ve seen your softer side, remember?’ Instantly I was taken back to the night we’d spent together at his place. He was right, he had seen my softer side then, because for whatever reason, this man made me open up like no one had managed before. I could feel the connection again now, and for once in my life I felt like letting my guard down. I wanted to. The idea of letting him in scared me, but Robyn was right; if I didn’t take a chance with someone like Marcus, who I felt a genuine bond with, then I’d probably be alone for the rest of my life.
‘Look, I… I like you a lot, Sasha, but I need to know one way or the other how you feel. I can’t keep going round and round in circles like this; it’s driving me insane. I know I screwed things up that night at my house, but.’
‘I like you, too,’ I blurted, interrupting him halfway through his sentence. My words caused hope to flare in his eyes, and then I made the move to shift my chair closer. ‘I feel so dreadful about what happened last week, Marcus, but I was panicking. I didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling, and you obviously saw that reflected in my features.’
I desperately wanted to reinforce my words with contact, but I knew he had issues with touching. Remembering how he’d told me that holding hands was OK, I tentatively reached across and laid my palm across his.
The brushing of our skin caused goose pimples to fly up my arm. Marcus gave a low chuckle and squeezed my hand. ‘It’s still just as potent,’ he murmured, and I let out a relieved breath that he hadn’t rejected me or pushed me away.
‘It is,’ I agreed, my entire body singing with happiness at our proximity. The heat between us intensified until I felt like it was swirling in the air around us. No matter what issues we’d had in the past, or how insurmountable our differences had seemed at times, we’d always had this explosive chemistry and obsession that seemed to be stronger than any I’d experienced before. It was more than lust, more than desire… So much more that I couldn’t even think of a word that was adequate to describe the enormity of it.
One certain emotive word beginning with L did keep springing to my mind, but I wasn’t quite ready to contemplate it just yet, even though I strongly suspected it was what I was starting to feel for Marcus.
We shared a silent gaze for a moment or two, as if he was thinking the exact same thing, and then his brow lowered into a frown.
‘I figured you probably hated me after what happened at my place with the cuffs. And then the other night happened so suddenly, I wondered if maybe you had just got caught up in the moment and afterwards regretted it.’
‘The only thing I regret was not stopping you to clarify what I was feeling. I’m so sorry. And for the record, it had nothing to do with that night with the cuffs, and I definitely don’t hate you.’ Giving his hand a squeeze, I softened my tone. ‘It was obvious something was troubling you that night,’ I ventured, wondering if he might trust me enough now to explain his need for the restraints.
‘Yeah,’ was the only reply he gave, but I could see in his eyes that he wanted to confess more. I ran my thumb gently across the back of his hand, and in response I heard Marcus give a soft, approving hum.
Perhaps if I opened up a little he might reciprocate? Gently massaging his hand with mine, I dropped my gaze away as I made my first confession.
‘I… I don’t let people close. I mean I haven’t, not for a long time. It started when my parents died… It hurt so much losing them… I didn’t know how to cope with all the emotions, so I started to avoid relationships. Quick flings were easier, no heartache involved.’
Marcus’s eyebrows rose at my blurted admission, and then he nodded in understanding.
It wasn’t easy talking about this side of me. In fact, it was painful as fuck. For years I’d turned myself into a slut to avoid getting hurt. It wasn’t something I was particularly proud of, but it was me, and he needed to know.
‘But then I met you.’ My voice softened to a whisper. ‘And as well as feeling an attraction to you, I felt a genuine connection. It fucking terrified me,’ I confessed with a dry chuckle. ‘That’s why I freaked out so badly after that first night. I’d opened myself up to you and agreed to spend the night – something I never do – and then you react by wanting to tie me up all night. It… it hurt me, Marcus.’
‘Fuck.’ Marcus cursed under his breath and slapped a h
and down on his thigh before gripping so tightly that his knuckles turned white. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Sasha.’
Nodding, I gave him a reassuring smile. ‘And so yeah, the cuff thing was weird as fuck, but I should have talked to you about it all, not freaked out and yelled abuse at you.’ Tilting my head, I reconnected our gaze and found his eyes burning with hope which somehow gave me the courage to continue. ‘I’d known then that I liked you more than I had other guys, and the connection between us had been incredible, but I didn’t know how to deal with it, and that terrified me, too.’
‘So, when things get too emotional you resort to being sarcastic?’ he speculated with a smile, and I nodded.
‘And bitchy. Over time I guess I just built a wall around myself. Deflecting things with a snarky comment seems easier than dealing with what’s really going on.’
‘I can understand that.’ He paused, running a hand through his thick mop of blond hair and giving me a long look that seemed to say so much more than words could about how he felt about me.
‘I don’t know how things between us are going to pan out, Sasha, but I can tell you now that I feel more for you than I have for anyone in a long time, and I would never intentionally hurt you.’
My pulse jumped with both excitement and nerves at his words, but to steady myself I drew in a breath so deep that my nostrils flared, and then I nodded.
‘I never wanted to fall for someone… I never wanted to care… After losing my parents, I… I can’t imagine going through the pain of losing someone again…’ I murmured. My eyes fluttered shut at how vulnerable I sounded. I hated exposing my weaknesses like this, but he needed to see this side of me. I wrapped one arm tightly around my chest as if holding myself together. This was the most open I’d been with anyone for… well, forever.
He gave my hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze. ‘You do let people in, though. Robyn is your best friend, isn’t she? That involves feelings, albeit slightly different ones.’
He had a point there. I’d never considered it that way. I loved Robyn fiercely, just like a sister, so what he was saying logically made sense – I could let people in. My fear had just created a distance between me and whoever I let in my bed – as though sexual intimacy was more intense than any other closeness.
‘That’s true,’ I admitted quietly, before starting to gently rub my thumb back and forth across his hand. It felt so lovely that we both sat there in contented silence for a few moments, staring at our joined fingers.
After a while, Marcus started to move around restlessly as if there was something he wanted to say. ‘Your use of sarcasm to deflect what’s really going on is probably quite similar to what I’ve been doing for the past two years.’ Sitting up straighter, he turned in his seat to face me, seeming to be about to open up, just as I’d hoped he might. ‘Not with sarcasm, but I’ve been deflecting, too. Avoiding facing up to my fears, I guess. It’s… it’s not an easy subject for me to talk about, but I’d like to try and explain…’
Nodding keenly, I gave him a supportive smile. ‘I’d like that, but only if you want to tell me.’
Marcus took a moment to adjust our hands so that our fingers were intertwined. He dipped his head in a nod. ‘I would. I want you to know.’ Clearing his throat, he smiled. ‘We’re actually remarkably similar in some ways.’
We both had our demons, that much was already clear, and so I joined him in his smile and waited quietly for him to continue.
‘You said just now that for a long time you have avoided relationships so you wouldn’t get hurt. Well, in a way so have I.’ He paused, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and then looking up at me ruefully. ‘My need to secure you to the bedframe or stop you touching me… That’s not an entirely new thing for me, but I haven’t always had that compulsion. I used to enjoy being touched, sometimes I even liked it when a woman took the lead in the bedroom… but… but not any more.’
I pushed away the stab of jealousy that hit as I imagined him with another woman, and then remembered my suspicions that maybe he’d been hurt physically at some point. I frowned and leaned in closer to him, curious, but not wanting to overly force his confession.
‘What happened?’ I asked softly, making sure that I was close enough to give support, but not so close that I was intruding on his personal space.
‘When I was in America I was seeing a girl. Celia, I think I mentioned her to you once before.’ I stayed silent, but nodded, remembering the way he’d slipped up and mentioned her name and then quickly changed the subject. ‘We’d been together a while, but it was a kind of on-off-thing because she was busy, and I was working crazy shifts at my restaurants trying to make a name for myself.’
The idea of him being in any type of relationship with someone else still made my stomach knot uncomfortably with jealousy, and I had to work really hard to hide the emotions from my face.
‘One night we were in bed together. She was leading things. I was tied to the bedframe and halfway through having sex she jumped off the bed and started rummaging through the bedside drawers. I figured she was getting something to spice up the evening, but when she climbed back on the bed she …’ Marcus’s eyelids fluttered shut for a second, and when he opened them again his blue eyes looked stormy and troubled. ‘Well, she… she tried to kill me.’
A rasping gasp of shock tore from my throat and my fingers tightened around his until I had to force my grip to relax so I didn’t break any bones in his hand. She’d tried to kill him? What the fuck?
‘She stabbed me, over and over again with my own fucking chef’s knife.’
‘Holy fuck, Marcus!’ I shrieked, not able to control my bad language, or the volume of my voice, given the severity of what he had just confessed to me.
He gave an ironic smile and shrugged. ‘Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. So obviously that’s where my scars come from.’ Locking his eyes with mine, he licked his lips. ‘And my insecurities. I always lock my knives up now, both at home and at work, and that night with you… I started to panic, so I moved the bedside table away. You probably thought I was a complete weirdo doing that halfway through the night.’
I gave a small smile as I remembered him rearranging the furniture. ‘It was a little strange,’ I agreed, giving his hand a squeeze. ‘But completely understandable now I know why.’
Pausing, I tried to imagine what he must have gone through. ‘Why would she do that?’ I asked, unable to imagine anyone wanting to hurt Marcus. He was so charming, so lovely. Apart from when I hurt him, I reminded myself, feeling guilty that the only occasions where I’d seen him bitter and reactive were when I had lashed out with my spiteful words.
He distracted me from the uncomfortable memories by giving a self-conscious shrug. ‘I wondered that, too, at first.’ He ran a hand through his hair and dropped his gaze. ‘I blamed myself for a while. It made me question things, I thought maybe I was the cause… Maybe I wasn’t a nice person and I’d done something to push her to it.’
‘No!’ My grip on his hand intensified and I shook my head firmly. ‘You’re one of the most genuine, laid-back, lovely people I’ve ever met,’ I stated with certainty. My defence of him was so rapid and so fervent that Marcus looked almost as shocked as I felt. But it was true. We might not know each other that deeply, and yet somehow, I still knew my words to be true.
Marcus’s face softened as he gave a shy smile in response to my statement and nodded sadly.
‘I’d never realised it while we were together, but she’s ill. The doctors treating her now think it’s some sort of psychopathic issue.’
My eyes widened in shock. Jesus. I’d read enough thrillers to know if that really was the case then Marcus was probably quite lucky to be alive.
‘I haven’t been able to be with a woman since without tying her up.’
‘It’s not exactly surprising,’ I mumbled, almost unable to think of one helpful or supportive thing to say. His psychopathic ex-girlfriend had tied him up and tried to kill him!
That was surely as dramatic as it got.
‘I’ve only slept with two women since it happened.’ His face flushed, and he gave me an embarrassed smile. ‘Well, three including you.’ Swallowing hard, he sighed. ‘Each time I’ve had panic attacks of varying degrees. I didn’t really care with the other two, because it was just sex, there were no overnight stays involved so I could get away with tying them up. I just said it was part of the scene… But with you… I knew as soon as I met you that things between us would be different if we went down that path.’
Squeezing my hand, he smiled at me, and it was so sweet and affectionate that I wanted to crawl right into his lap and snuggle him until the fear in his eyes went away. But seeing as he’d just admitted to having issues with contact and touching, I refrained.
‘That’s why I tried to keep you away when you first came on to me. I didn’t want it to be just sex with you, and I was worried that my need to tie you up might freak you out.’ Throwing his head back, he let out a lovely deep laugh. He looked at me with twinkling eyes. ‘Which it did. I know you would never do what Celia did… But I can’t seem to move on from it… Keeping one cuff on you all night seemed the only solution I could think of to help me stay calm, but obviously it completely backfired.’
‘It kinda did, yeah, but it makes sense now. Thank you for telling me.’ I gave his hand another supportive squeeze, desperately wishing I could wrap him in my arms and soothe him. ‘So, the no touching thing, that’s all linked to it as well?’
Marcus blinked and then stared down at our linked hands. ‘I never had issues with intimacy before the stabbing, so I guess so. I think in my mind I sort of convinced myself that I was safer if I could keep a distance between me and the girl. Holding hands was OK, because they couldn’t reach for a weapon if I had a grip on them.’ Pausing, he shook his head. ‘Fuck, I sound like a complete lunatic.’
He lifted his free hand, rubbed it over his face, and then stared at me intently. ‘I trust you, Sasha, and I don’t want it to be like that between us, but you might need to be patient with me at first. It’s been a while since I’ve let my guard down. I’m kinda fucked up,’ he stated as a closing summary, his lips twisting with apparent self-irritation.
