And then it was Ottormenbod, midsummer’s eve, and I had to go home to my Hearth and the kemmerhouse.
To my surprise, my mother and grandmother and all the elders came to the Fastness to fetch me, wearing ceremonial hiebs and looking solemn. Ranharrer handed me over to them, saying to me only, ‘Come back to us.’ My family paraded me through the streets in the hot summer morning; all the vines were in flower, perfuming the air, all the gardens were blooming, bearing, fruiting. ‘This is an excellent time,’ Grand said judiciously, ‘to come into kemmer.’
The Hearth looked very dark to me after the Fastness, and somehow shrunken. I looked around for Sether, but it was a workday, Sether was at the shop. That gave me a sense of holiday, which was not unpleasant. And then up in the hearthroom of our balcony, Grand and the Hearth elders formally presented me with a whole set of new clothes, new everything, from the boots up, topped by a magnificently embroidered hieb. There was a spoken ritual that went with the clothes, not Handdara, I think, but a tradition of our Hearth; the words were all old and strange, the language of a thousand years ago. Grand rattled them out like somebody spitting rocks, and put the hieb on my shoulders. Everybody said, ‘Haya!’
All the elders, and a lot of younger kids, hung around helping me put on the new clothes as if I was a king or a baby, and some of the elders wanted to give me advice – ‘last advice’, they called it, since you gain shifgrethor when you go into kemmer, and once you have shifgrethor advice is insulting. ‘Now you just keep away from that old Ebbeche,’ one of them told me shrilly. My mother took offense, snapping, ‘Keep your shadow to yourself, Tadsh!’ And to me, ‘Don’t listen to the old fish. Flapmouth Tadsh! But now listen, Sov.’
I listened. Guyr had drawn me a little away from the others, and spoke gravely, with some embarrassment. ‘Remember, it will matter who you’re with first.’
I nodded. ‘I understand,’ I said.
‘No, you don’t,’ my mother snapped, forgetting to be embarrassed. ‘Just keep it in mind!’
‘What, ah,’ I said. My mother waited. ‘If I, if I go into, as a, as female,’ I said. ‘Don’t I, shouldn’t I—?’
‘Ah,’ Guyr said. ‘Don’t worry. It’ll be a year or more before you can conceive. Or get. Don’t worry, this time. The other people will see to it, just in case. They all know it’s your first kemmer. But do keep it in mind, who you’re with first! Around, oh, around Karrid, and Ebbeche, and some of them.’
‘Come on!’ Dory shouted, and we all got into a procession again to go downstairs and across the centerhall, where everybody cheered ‘Haya Sov! Haya Sov!’ and the cooks beat on their saucepans. I wanted to die. But they all seemed so cheerful, so happy about me, wishing me well; I wanted also to live.
We went out the west door and across the sunny gardens and came to the kemmerhouse. Tage Ereb shares a kemmerhouse with two other Ereb Hearths; it’s a beautiful building, all carved with deep-figure friezes in the Old Dynasty style, terribly worn by the weather of a couple of thousand years. On the red stone steps my family all kissed me, murmuring, ‘Praise then Darkness,’ or ‘In the act of Creation praise,’ and my mother gave me a hard push on my shoulders, what they call the sledge-push, for good luck, as I turned away from them and went in the door.
The Doorkeeper was waiting for me; a queer-looking, rather stooped person, with coarse, pale skin.
Now I realised who this ‘Ebbeche’ they’d been talking about was. I’d never met him, but I’d heard about him. He was the Doorkeeper of our kemmerhouse, a halfdead – that is, a person in permanent kemmer, like the Aliens.
There are always a few people born that way here. Some of them can be cured; those who can’t or choose not to be usually live in a Fastness and learn the disciplines, or they become Doorkeepers. It’s convenient for them, and for normal people too. After all, who else would want to live in a kemmerhouse? But there are drawbacks. If you come to the kemmerhouse in thorharmen, ready to gender, and the first person you meet is fully male, his pheromones are likely to gender you female right then, whether that’s what you had in mind this month or not. Responsible Doorkeepers, of course, keep well away from anybody who doesn’t invite them to come close. But permanent kemmer may not lead to responsibility of character; nor does being called halfdead and pervert all your life, I imagine. Obviously my family didn’t trust Ebbeche to keep his hands and his pheromones off me. But they were unjust. He honored a first kemmer as much as anyone else. He greeted me by name and showed me where to take off my new boots. Then he began to speak the ancient ritual welcome, backing down the hall before me; the first time I ever heard the words I would hear so many times again for so many years.
You cross earth now.
You cross water now.
You cross the Ice now …
And the exulting ending, as we came into the centerhall:
Together we have crossed the Ice.
Together we come into the Hearthplace,
Into life, bringing life!
In the act of creation, praise!
The solemnity of the words moved me and distracted me somewhat from my intense self-consciousness. As I had in the Fastness, I felt the familiar reassurance of being part of something immensely older and larger than myself, even if it was strange and new to me. I must entrust myself to it and be what it made me. At the same time I was intensely alert. All my senses were extraordinarily keen, as they had been all morning. I was aware of everything, the beautiful blue color of the walls, the lightness and vigor of my steps as I walked, the texture of the wood under my bare feet, the sound and meaning of the ritual words, the Doorkeeper himself. He fascinated me. Ebbeche was certainly not handsome, and yet I noticed how musical his rather deep voice was; and pale skin was more attractive than I had ever thought it. I felt that he had been maligned, that his life must be a strange one. I wanted to talk to him. But as he finished the welcome, standing aside for me at the doorway of the centerhall, a tall person strode forward eagerly to meet me.
I was glad to see a familiar face: it was the head cook of my Hearth, Karrid Arrage. Like many cooks a rather fierce and temperamental person, Karrid had often taken notice of me, singling me out in a joking, challenging way, tossing me some delicacy—‘Here, youngun! Get some meat on your bones!’ As I saw Karrid now I went through the most extraordinary multiplicity of awarenesses: that Karrid was naked and that this nakedness was not like the nakedness of people in the Hearth, but a significant nakedness—that he was not the Karrid I had seen before but transfigured into great beauty – that he was he – that my mother had warned me about him – that I wanted to touch him – that I was afraid of him.
He picked me right up in his arms and pressed me against him. I felt his clitopenis like a fist between my legs. ‘Easy, now,’ the Doorkeeper said to him, and some other people came forward from the room, which I could see only as large, dimly glowing, full of shadows and mist.
‘Don’t worry, don’t worry,’ Karrid said to me and them, with his hard laugh. ‘I won’t hurt my own get, will I? I just want to be the one that gives her kemmer. As a woman, like a proper Thade. I want to give you that joy, little Sov.’ He was undressing me as he spoke, slipping off my hieb and shirt with big, hot, hasty hands. The Doorkeeper and the others kept close watch, but did not interfere. I felt totally defenseless, helpless, humiliated. I struggled to get free, broke loose, and tried to pick up and put on my shirt. I was shaking and felt terribly weak, I could hardly stand up. Karrid helped me clumsily; his big arm supported me. I leaned against him, feeling his hot, vibrant skin against mine, a wonderful feeling, like sunlight, like firelight. I leaned more heavily against him, raising my arms so that our sides slid together. ‘Hey, now,’ he said. ‘Oh, you beauty, oh, you Sov, here, take her away, this won’t do!’ And he backed right away from me, laughing and yet really alarmed, his clitopenis standing up amazingly. I stood there half-dressed, on my rubbery legs, bewildered. My eyes were full of mist, I could see nothing clearly.
&
nbsp; ‘Come on,’ somebody said, and took my hand, a soft, cool touch totally different from the fire of Karrid’s skin. It was a person from one of the other Hearths, I didn’t know her name. She seemed to me to shine like gold in the dim, misty place. ‘Oh, you’re going so fast,’ she said, laughing and admiring and consoling. ‘Come on, come into the pool, take it easy for a while. Karrid shouldn’t have come on to you like that! But you’re lucky, first kemmer as a woman, there’s nothing like it. I kemmered as a man three times before I got to kemmer as a woman, it made me so mad, every time I got into thorharmen all my damn friends would all be women already. Don’t worry about me – I’d say Karrid’s influence was decisive,’ and she laughed again. ‘Oh, you are so pretty!’ and she bent her head and licked my nipples before I knew what she was doing.
It was wonderful, it cooled that stinging fire in them that nothing else could cool. She helped me finish undressing, and we stepped together into the warm water of the big, shallow pool that filled the whole center of this room. That was why it was so misty, why the echoes were so strange. The water lapped on my thighs, on my sex, on my belly. I turned to my friend and leaned forward to kiss her. It was a perfectly natural thing to do, it was what she wanted and I wanted, and I wanted her to lick and suck my nipples again, and she did. For a long time we lay in the shallow water playing, and I could have played forever. But then somebody else joined us, taking hold of my friend from behind, and she arched her body in the water like a golden fish leaping, threw her head back, and began to play with him.
I got out of the water and dried myself, feeling sad and shy and forsaken, and yet extremely interested in what had happened to my body. It felt wonderfully alive and electric, so that the roughness of the towel made me shiver with pleasure. Somebody had come closer to me, somebody that had been watching me play with my friend in the water. He sat down by me now.
It was a hearthmate a few years older than I, Arrad Tehemmy. I had worked in the gardens with Arrad all last summer, and liked him. He looked like Sether, I now thought, with heavy black hair and a long, thin face, but in him was that shining, that glory they all had here – all the kemmerers, the women, the men – such vivid beauty as I had never seen in any human beings. ‘Sov,’ he said, ‘I’d like – Your first – Will you—’ His hands were already on me, and mine on him. ‘Come,’ he said, and I went with him. He took me into a beautiful little room, in which there was nothing but a fire burning in a fireplace, and a wide bed. There Arrad took me into his arms and I took Arrad into my arms, and then between my legs, and fell upward, upward through the golden light.
Arrad and I were together all that first night, and besides fucking a great deal, we ate a great deal. It had not occurred to me that there would be food at a kemmerhouse; I had thought you weren’t allowed to do anything but fuck. There was a lot of food, very good, too, set out so that you could eat whenever you wanted. Drink was more limited; the person in charge, an old woman-halfdead, kept her canny eye on you, and wouldn’t give you any more beer if you showed signs of getting wild or stupid. I didn’t need any more beer. I didn’t need any more fucking. I was complete. I was in love forever for all time all my life to eternity with Arrad. But Arrad (who was a day farther into kemmer than I) fell asleep and wouldn’t wake up, and an extraordinary person named Hama sat down by me and began talking and also running his hand up and down my back in the most delicious way, so that before long we got further entangled, and began fucking, and it was entirely different with Hama than it had been with Arrad, so that I realised that I must be in love with Hama, until Gehardar joined us. After that I think I began to understand that I loved them all and they all loved me and that that was the secret of the kemmerhouse.
It’s been nearly fifty years, and I have to admit I do not recall everyone from my first kemmer; only Karrid and Arrad, Hama and Gehardar, old Tubanny, the most exquisitely skillful lover as a male that I ever knew – I met him often in later kemmers – and Berre, my golden fish, with whom I ended up in drowsy, peaceful, blissful lovemaking in front of the great hearth till we both fell asleep. And when we woke we were not women. We were not men. We were not in kemmer. We were very tired young adults.
‘You’re still beautiful,’ I said to Berre.
‘So are you,’ Berre said. ‘Where do you work?’
‘Furniture shop, Third Ward.’
I tried licking Berre’s nipple, but it didn’t work; Berre flinched a little, and I said ‘Sorry,’ and we both laughed.
‘I’m in the radio trade,’ Berre said. ‘Did you ever think of trying that?’
‘Making radios?’
‘No. Broadcasting. I do the Fourth Hour news and weather.’
‘That’s you?’ I said, awed.
‘Come over to the tower some time, I’ll show you around,’ said Berre.
Which is how I found my lifelong trade and a lifelong friend. As I tried to tell Sether when I came back to the Hearth, kemmer isn’t exactly what we thought it was; it’s much more complicated.
Sether’s first kemmer was on Getheny Gor, the first day of the first month of autumn, at the dark of the moon. One of the family brought Sether into kemmer as a woman, and then Sether brought me in. That was the first time I kemmered as a man. And we stayed on the same wavelength, as Grand put it. We never conceived together, being cousins and having some modern scruples, but we made love in every combination, every dark of the moon, for years. And Sether brought my child, Tamor, into first kemmer – as a woman, like a proper Thade.
Later on Sether went into the Handdara, and became an Indweller in the old Fastness, and now is an Adept. I go over there often to join in one of the Chants or practise the Untrance or just to visit, and every few days Sether comes back to the Hearth. And we talk. The old days or the new times, somer or kemmer, love is love.
SOME KARHIDISH WORDS,
AND TWO SONGS FROM
THE DOMAIN OF ESTRE
arach or ay Rock or earth protruding through an ice sheet: a nunatak.
bessa Soft, new-fallen snow before compacting or crust-formation
esyot Granular snow: firn, névé.
dothe The voluntary and controlled use of ‘hysterical strength’, probably connected with voluntary repression of kemmer; both techniques learned in the discipline of the Handdara.
hemmen A native tree, 8–50 feet high, bearing reddish black-needles and thorny cone pods containing edible seeds. Hemmen trees consitute about four-fifths of the Gethenian forests.
hieb A heavy, sleeveless tunic or tabard with a loose belt, universally worn in Karhide and Orgoreyn over a shirt and breeches; in cold weather, leggings and an ankle-length coat are added.
kadik A non-native grain, a wheat mutant, introduced by the Hainish colonisers, along with perm and garram, both grains of Hainish origin (perm appears to be related to Terran rye.) Other introduced food plants are a tuber, propagated by cuttings and by wind pollination, a fruit-bearing vine, and three fruit-bearing trees – these are entirely dependent on human assistance to propagate and grow only in the relatively mild climate of the Sea Hemisphere.
kemmer The period of potency and fertility in the Gethenian sexual cycle, lasting three to five days, recurring every twenty-five to thirty days.
kroxet Windless weather, fair or with a light overcast, 0–20°F.
kyorremy The Karhidish council or parliament. A member (kermo) is named by a Domain, elected from a District, or selected by the king with the consent of the Lords of the Kingdom. There are usually 134 named members, 62 elected, and 13 selected, to make the full complement of 219. From them four are selected by the king and nine elected by the kyorremy to form the Inner Council (heskyorremy). The power of these councils even under a strong king is considerable, and weak kings are controlled by their kyorremy or heskyorremy.
neserem Heavy snowfall on a moderate gale – a middling blizzard.
nusuth ‘No matter’, or ‘Very likely’, or ‘What will be will be’; an agreement or acceptance, with
reservations, or a slight negative coloration.
odegome Black-fish: a native life form, warm-blooded, marine, oviparous, not mammalian, a carnivorous predator weighing 5–40 pounds. A food staple all over Gethen, fresh, smoked or dried.
orsh A drink brewed from roasted, ground perm.
orgrevy A drug extracted from a native plant; various forms are sedative, tranquilizing or hallucinatory; all are addictive and neurologically destructive.
ott, otta Lord. The Lord of a Domain holds title by descent. The title Lord of the Kingdom is granted by warrant of the king, and is revocable and non-hereditary.
peditia (an Orgota word taken into Karhidish) Thick snowfall at 10–25°F.
perm See kadik.
pesthry A native life form: warm-blooded, quadruped, oviparous, non-mammalian, vegetarian; adult weight 3–7 pounds; very thickly furred and with a thick fat layer under the skin. Enormous migratory herds of pesthry exist in the colder regions of the Great Continent. They are hunted for fur and meat, and raised for eggs, meat and fur, especially in Perunter, where they are a staple of diet.
The Left Hand Of Darkness (SF Masterworks) Page 29
