by John Locke
“Jack! Get me out of here!” Jill says.
Before he can react, the lady jumps on top of the table where Jack and Jill are sitting with a dozen revelers.
“What the hell?” Jack says.
The woman is Jill’s age, but her head is completely bald, and painted bright red. When she’s not speaking, her tongues flick out from her mouth like a snake’s. In truth, she has but one tongue, but it’s been split in the center all the way to the back of her throat.
There’s something else unusual about her tongue: it’s bright blue.
“Princess!” she says. “It’s me, Princess Lillith!”
“Shhh!” Jill says.
Lillith crows like a rooster and yells, “Chieftans, noblemen, freemen, wives, maidens, lords-in-training: I give you Princess Thyra!”
Those at the table, and within hearing distance, gasp, and fall to their knees.
Jill whispers, “Please, Fanny. I’m trying to keep a low profile.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
Fanny shouts, “My mistake! A thousands apologies to you all. Please, resume your revelry!”
The group murmurs and mumbles, and she climbs down from the table and whispers, “Whatever you need, Jill. Meet me at the fires.”
She looks at Jack and says, “Hi, handsome.” To Jill she says, “How long have you been hitting that?”
“We’ll meet you at the fires,” Jill says.
Jack says, “Are you one of the virgin riders?”
Her forked, blue tongue slides out of her mouth. “You got a problem with that?”
“Nope. I’m just sorry I missed the chicken chase.”
“Why, because you wanted to see these?”
She lowers her tunic, exposes her breasts.
Several men at the table start clapping. Fanny bows.
Jill says, “What are you doing, Fanny?”
“Being lusty. Like mom always said, nothing says howdie like flashing your tits.”
“Your mom sounds like a wise lady,” Jack says.
She pulls her tunic back up and says, “I’m Fanny. Who are you?”
“Jack.”
“Nice to meet you. Just so you know, I’m available, in case this thing with Jill doesn’t work out.”
“Good to know,” he says, winking at Jill.
Jill frowns. “Let’s walk to the fires and talk.”
Jack wolfs down the rest of his gumbo, then he and Jill follow Fanny to one of the fire pits.
Jill says, “We need a ride to Jackson, Mississippi.”
“I’d love to help you, hon, but I’m on the back of a Harley, Nashville bound.”
“I thought you lived in Minnesota.”
“That was years ago. I’ve got a private dick gig now.”
“That sounds lusty,” Jack says.
“It means I’m working with a private investigator.”
“Where?”
“You remember Dani Ripper? The Little Girl Who Got Away?”
“Who doesn’t? She was all over the news. They found her, right?”
“She found herself. Resurfaced when her husband was murdered.”
“You’re a private investigator?” Jill says.
“No. I’m her receptionist.”
Jack says, “She’s okay about the…uh…”
“The what?”
“Well, no offense, but your head’s painted red, and you’ve got a blue, forked tongue.”
Fanny says, “Dani hasn’t actually met me yet.”
“How’d you get the job?”
“Enough about me. How’d you get here, hitchhike?” She frowns. “You’re not broke, are you, handsome?”
“No. But our car’s been disabled.”
“Wait! Was that you a while ago? In the Circle of Hell?”
“Shh!” Jill whispers. “Keep your voice down.”
Fanny whispers, “What was going on in the trunk?”
“It’s a long story.”
Fanny says, “I can find you a ride, but you’ll need more cash than I’ve got on me. I can spot you fifty. Maybe we could take up a collection.”
“How much would we need?”
“About two hundred.”
Jack says, “Two hundred bucks for a ride to Jackson?”
“That’s right, handsome. But if it was me taking you, I’d work it out in trade.”
“I’ve got enough cash,” he says. “But we need to leave right now.”
“For right now it’s two grand.”
“What?”
“I’m assuming the law’s involved?”
“Not necessarily.”
“I can get you to Jackson in an hour. But these revelers won’t take you.”
“Why not?”
“They came from all over the world to be here. They’re not going to leave till it’s over.”
“Then how can you possibly get us to Jackson in an hour? It took me longer than that to drive here tonight.”
“You won’t be driving.”
Jill says, “What have you got in mind?”
“Ever see the movie, Planes, Trains and Automobiles?”
Jack says, “What about it?”
“This will be like that. Only different.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll see.”
Jack starts to count out some money.
Fanny says, “Not here.”
“Why? We’re completely alone.”
“It’s too dark. You could be giving me newsprint, for all I know.”
Jill digs an angry elbow into Jack’s ribs and says, “Newsprint?”
Fanny says, “Pretty boys like Jack can be really dumb when it comes to women. They’ll do anything to get in my pants.”
“I have no interest in what’s inside your pants!” Jack says.
“And that’s what proves you’re dumb,” Fanny says.
Jill laughs.
Fanny leads them to a hard-packed mud alley between two giant tents with generator-powered lights. Ten feet away, on either side, the tents are bustling with people and activity. They’re enclosed, and the fabric throws off enough light for them to see each other clearly.
Fanny holds her hand out, Jack places ten bills in it.
“What’s this?” she says.
“Half up front.”
“Which one of you is staying behind?”
“Neither. This is a deposit. Fifty percent down. That’s how I do business.”
“You know how I do business?” she says.
“How’s that?”
“If you give me half the money to buy a dog, I’ll sell you half a dog.”
Jill says, “It’s okay, Jack. Fanny won’t cheat us.”
He frowns, hands Fanny another thousand.
She shocks him by kissing him flush on the mouth. He tries to back up, but she grabs his shirt to hold him in place. Ignoring the look of disgust on his face, Fanny works her cleaved tongue past his lips, and tries to breach the barricade he’s created with his teeth.
“Fanny?” Jill says.
She backs off reluctantly, flicks her tongue out.
Jack grimaces. Says, “Why’d you do that?”
“I was letting you thank me for helping you.”
Jill silently counts to ten, attempting to keep her temper in check.
“Wait here,” Fanny says. “I’ll be right back.”
When she disappears into the night, Jill says, “What was that all about?”
“Which part?”
“The part where you talked her into flashing her boobs, and tongue-kissed her.”
He prepares to launch an argument to set the record straight, but stops himself.
“You’re changing the subject,” he says.
“What subject?”
“An hour ago you told me all about this stupid festival, but you left out two things: Princess Thyra, and how you became friends with Fanny.”
“Twelve years ago I was one of the six mai
dens.”
“You were eighteen then?”
“Yes.”
“Naked, on a horse?”
“Topless. Not naked.”
“How many chickens did you catch?”
“Fuck you.”
“No, really.”
“Two.”
“Wish I could have seen that.”
“Me, too. You might have saved me a miserable decade.”
They kiss.
“How’d you meet Fanny?”
“Fuck you, Jack!”
“What now?”
“You kiss me and the first words out of your mouth are about Fanny?”
“My first words were about you. I asked how you met Fanny.”
“Sounds like a technicality to me.”
“Fine. Don’t tell me. I’m just glad your head and tongue are normal.”
“She was one of the maidens last time out.”
“You guys are Vikings?”
“No. We were campaign volunteers. The governor’s re-election committee paid us a thousand dollars to be maidens.”
“I’d have paid twice that much to see you topless, chasing chickens!”
“Thanks. I think.”
They kiss again. From behind them, Fanny says, “Get a room!”
Jack and Jill turn to see Fanny sitting on a horse, holding the reigns of a second one.
“Two horses for three people?” Jack says.
“I’ve got to bring them back,” she says. “I can’t lead two horses by myself through this crowd. Jill, I’ll let you choose who gets to sit behind me on the saddle.”
“Me,” Jill says.
“Sorry, Jack,” Fanny says. “Okay, let’s saddle up.”
They climb on the horses, work their way through the crowd, through the marsh, and onto the main road. They ride under the interstate, and come to the dirt road where Jack and Jill left the Fosters. Jack stands in his stirrups to see if the car’s still there, but it’s too dark to tell.
“Fanny, hold up,” he says. “I need to check something.”
He climbs off his horse, hands her the reigns, and checks to see if the keys are still where he put them.
When he reclaims his horse, Jill says, “Update?”
“The Fosters have left the building.”
“Who are the Fosters?” Fanny says.
“The less you know, the better,” Jack says.
“Story of my life.”
“Story of my life is paying two thousand dollars to ride a horse back to where I was an hour ago.”
They ride to the next dirt road and turn left. After a half mile it ends at an old, two-story bait shop. Fanny ties the horses to a cypress tree, and knocks on the door till the lights come on upstairs. The window opens, a man yells, “We’re closed!”
“Ziggy, open up. It’s me, Fanny.”
“Fanny? Where the hell have you been, girl?”
“Everywhere. Open up, I’ve got some paying customers for you.”
“Hang on.”
Fanny whispers, “I’ll go in first, and handle the negotiations. Don’t say anything about the money you’ve paid or how much you have in your pockets.”
Ziggy opens the door, Fanny walks in, closes the door behind her.
Jack says, “What’s going on, you think?”
“Fanny’s resourceful,” Jill says.
“What’s that mean?”
“She’s planning to pay him with sex and pocket the difference. Or at least part of it.”
“She told you that while riding here?”
“That and a whole lot more, including detailed information about the tattoos on her ass, all of which comes under the heading of too much information.”
“Did she happen to mention how we were getting to Jackson within an hour?”
“Ziggy’s going to air boat us to a private airfield. Then we’re flying to another private airfield in Jackson. From there, we can take a cab to Memphis, then another one to Willow Lake.”
“Ziggy doesn’t have a car or truck?”
“Nope.”
“I don’t want our names appearing on an FAA flight manifest.”
“They won’t.”
“Why not?”
“We’re being flown by a drug runner. In a crop duster.”
“Oh, swell!”
The door opens. Fanny says, “Let’s go.”
“You’re going with us?” Jill says.
“I’ll want to pay Mike the Pilot personally. Otherwise, Ziggy might be inclined to shoot you in the back, dump you in the swamp, and steal your money.”
“What stops him from killing all three of us?”
She flicks her blue tongue and says, “He’ll want me in a happy mood.”
“How fast will she go?” Jack says, as they climb aboard.
“This one can carry two passengers at seventy-eight miles an hour,” Ziggy says. “We’ll probably hit fifty on the way there. But coming back I plan to open her up.”
“The boat or me?” Fanny says.
“Both.”
Jill says, “You’re not seriously planning to go fifty miles an hour in the dark, are you?”
“Did you bring a spotlight?”
“No.”
“Then yes, I am.”
“That seems terribly dangerous.”
“It is, for a fact,” Ziggy says.
They travel nine miles in twelve terrifying minutes. All four of them scream the entire way, including Ziggy, who screams the loudest. Jack and Jill can’t get off the boat fast enough. Fanny says, “I can’t wait to take her seventy-eight in pitch black, after the sissies are gone.”
“I’m game,” Ziggy says, “But I’ll need another drink first.”
They hear him unscrew the cap from his bourbon flask.
“Drink till it hurts!” Fanny says.
“Hurry back, Sugar Tits.”
She leads Jack and Jill to the grass runway where they find Mike the Pilot standing beside the plane. “One thousand,” he says. “In advance.”
Fanny pays him and says, “Who’s first?”
Jill says, “What do you mean?”
“It’s a crop-duster. Mike can only carry one passenger at a time.”
Jack says, “You didn’t say anything about that.”
“If I did, you might not have come.”
“That’s my point.”
“But here we are,” Fanny says. “Look, it’s only a forty minute flight. I called a cab before we left Ziggy’s place. He’ll be there when you land. Mike will fly one of you there, come back and get the other one in ninety minutes.”
The only light comes from two battery-powered lanterns on either side of the runway. Jack and Jill can see each other, but their faces are shadowy.
Jack says, “You go first. You can’t stay here by yourself. It’s too dangerous.”
Jill says, “I don’t want to go without you.”
“Guys,” Jack says, “Can you give us a minute to talk? We’ll be right back.”
He and Jill walk far enough to insure privacy.
Jack says, “I’m sure everything will be fine. But just in case, here.”
He hands her the cash envelope and says, “I kept five hundred, in case Mike needs an extra incentive at the last minute.”
“I don’t want to carry all this money.”
“These guys don’t know if I’ve got any money, or if so, how much. But I doubt they’ll think you’re holding it. If they decide to rob me at the last minute, we’ll both be without cash.”
“Fine. I’ll hold it till you get there. But I don’t want to split up.”
“I know.”
“What if he tries something when we land?”
“Like what?”
“Like…you know.”
“Fanny says she called a cab. You trust her, right?”
“Completely.”
“Okay then, when you land, go straight to the cab.”
“What if something goes wrong?”
He sighs. “We’re sort of locked in at this point, Jill. But I want you to promise me something. If I’m not there two hours after you land, go without me.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to.”
“If you’re not there in two hours it’ll mean you’re dead.”
“Probably. But it also might mean the plane broke down. Or some other issue came up.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. I’m just saying, do not wait more than two hours for me.”
They watch Mike the pilot illuminate two lanterns at the far end of the airstrip.
Jack says, “Look, I’ve still got my cell phone, and you’ve got my number in your pocket. When you land, get the cab driver to call me, so I’ll know you’re safe.”
“What if you don’t answer?”
“If you can’t reach me on my cell phone, or if I take off and don’t arrive on schedule, do not wait. If I’m alive, I’ll find a way to get to you.”
“Don’t ditch me, Jack.”
He laughs. “If I were ditching you I wouldn’t give you my cash, my credit card, and my lake house keys, would I?”
Mike hollers, “Turn on those other two lamps for me, and let’s get going!”
Jack says, “Walk with me.”
As they head to the far end of the runway, Jill says, “Technically, you haven’t given me your lake house keys.”
“I can’t. I lost them in the car fire. But when you get to the house, look for the water spigot on the left side of the house. It’s been taped. Unravel the tape, and you’ll find the extra key.”
“You sound like you’re not coming.”
“I’m just trying to protect you in case something goes wrong. If I’m alive, I’ll meet you there, eventually. I promise.”
They turn on the lanterns.
“What if something happens to me?” Jill says.
“When you get to Willow Lake, stock up on provisions. You’ll want to buy some clothes and a disposable cell phone. When you get a chance, get a stepladder. You can keep it in the hall closet.”
“Why a stepladder?”
“Any messages you want to give me, like your new cell phone number, or anything else you want to tell me, you can write on the top edge of the doors. No one will ever think to look for them there.”
Mike fires up the plane.
Fanny shouts, “We’re sittin’ on G, waitin’ on O!”
“She’ll be right there!” Jack shouts back.
To Jill, he says, “One last thing.”
“What?”
