Maggie closed her eyes and resolved that however she might handle the situation, she would do so without his help. “Never mind, John. Forget I ever called.”
In the days that followed, she halfway expected him to call and at least promise his support. But there were no phone calls, no promises.
She had done the math and figured she’d gotten pregnant sometime that second week of August. Her last phone call with John took place in late October, and now she was nearly five months pregnant and still not showing. By that time, although much of what she would do in the future was still undecided, she had arrived at one conclusion.
She loved her baby.
Ben may have turned his back on her, and John might have seen her as little more than a conquest, but the life growing inside her was one she could love with all her heart. And she knew with absolute certainty she would be loved in return. It didn’t matter that her parents would be disappointed or that she might have to walk a lonely road as a single parent. At least she and her baby would have each other.
But even the strongest love couldn’t dispel the increasing doubts that nagged Maggie as the days wore on. Doubts about how she would care for her child, what means of support she would have. Time and again she found herself wondering what would have happened if she and Ben had stayed together, if this were his baby she was expecting under the marital umbrella of God’s favor.
Although she still hadn’t heard from Ben, her mind was consumed by memories of their conversations, the way he’d looked at her that first night at the picnic, his reaction when she’d kissed him that night at the party while Deirdre looked on.
Eventually Maggie made a plan. One of her roommates had family in Cincinnati. When Maggie confided her situation, the friend contacted her parents and made arrangements.
“You can live with them until you have the baby and stay there while you find a way to live on your own.” The girl leveled her gaze at Maggie. “You know, you could always give the baby up for adoption.”
Maggie’s heart sank. She’d thought of that option and knew it was impossible. Not when she already felt the way she did for the child. “I … I couldn’t.”
Her friend took her hand and squeezed it gently. “You really want this baby, don’t your?”
The question rattled around her empty heart. If only Ben and I had … “Yes,” she finally answered. “With all my heart.”
“Okay then, my parents’ door is open.”
After that it was just a matter of telling Maggie’s parents. The holidays had come and gone by then and her parents were relieved about Maggie’s apparent breakup with John McFadden. Of course, they had no idea how serious things had gotten.
“I always knew God would bring you back to your senses, Maggie,” her father had told her when first she admitted they were no longer an item. “You’re a very special girl, a girl who will save herself for her husband.”
Between her father’s sureness that Maggie was still a virgin and her mother’s quiet disapproval of Maggie’s recent choices, she could not bring herself to tell either of them the truth. Not yet. Maybe not until after the baby was born. They both were upset with her decision to move to Cincinnati; she could only imagine how they’d react if they knew she was pregnant.
“What’s in Cincinnati?” her mother said, spewing the word as though it were an infectious disease.
Maggie sighed impatiently. “I’m tired of Akron, Mother. I need to get out and see the world and right now Cincinnati is the best I can do.”
Her father watched from a distant chair and said nothing. Maggie had the unnerving sense he somehow knew she was in trouble, but she never revealed any details to him and he never asked.
The month before her move to Cincinnati she left her apartment and returned home to save money. She was searching her closet for pants with elastic waistbands one afternoon when the phone rang. She lifted the receiver.
“Hello?”
Silence. Maggie almost hung up, but then someone spoke. “Hi, Maggie girl.”
It was Ben, and her heart swelled at the sound of his voice, the voice her heart had longed for every day since their last conversation. She was speechless.
“Maggie … it’s so good to hear your voice.”
For a while neither of them said anything. Maggie collapsed cross-legged on a pile of clothes, her hand firmly on her slightly rounded abdomen as tears streamed down her cheeks.
Why now? When it’s too late?
In the wake of her silence, Ben rushed ahead. “Maggie, I’m sorry … so sorry. I won’t blame you if you hang up and never speak to me again. Really … but I had to call you, had to tell you … Maggie, I can’t stop thinking about you. I never have.”
Maggie swallowed several times, composing herself so that he wouldn’t know she was crying. “Why, Ben? After all this time?” Whatever they might have had was lost forever now. She had thrown away the most precious gift God had given her, and in a few months she would be a single mother. She and Ben stood on separate continents now with no way to bridge the ocean between them.
He sighed and launched into an explanation of his choices that past spring. “Deirdre needed me … I don’t know.” He paused. “We thought … she thought if we were together maybe everything would be right with her world.”
Maggie waited. Clearly Ben had felt the same way or he wouldn’t have broken things off with her. Not that it mattered. The conversation was pointless. Everything about her life had changed, and if Ben knew the truth he’d hang up and never give her a second thought. He saw her as a precious virgin, the pure and wholly faithful girl she’d been back before their separation.
He released a rush of air. “Whew … this is harder than I thought it’d be.”
“I guess I don’t understand. You must have wanted to be with her, too.”
“I loved her mother, Maggie. It seemed like the right thing to do—like I owed it to her … to stay with her through that whole mess. I figured if we were supposed to be together, the way everyone always thought we would, then I’d know if we spent a few months with just us. With no distractions.”
Maybe she should tell him the truth outright and stop the silly charade. But she couldn’t. Instead she continued to listen.
“At first it seemed like maybe we’d made the right decision, but after a few months—when things settled down and Deirdre’s hip healed—we both came to the same conclusion. What we have between us is more like a brother-sister thing. She started dating someone else two months ago.”
Maggie closed her eyes, struggling to take a deep breath. If only he had called her sooner! Given her some hint that things weren’t going well with Deirdre, that in fact his heart resided with her …
“I’ve thought about calling you every day, but I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t sure. So I waited. Maggie, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
Her mind raced, searching for some way to make it all work out after all. “I’ve got plans now, Ben.” She threw the comment out there, not sure what she was going to say next or what lie she might be willing to say to back it up.
“Plans?” He sounded nervous. “Have you … have you met someone?” When she was silent, he moaned out loud. “I should have called you sooner. Who is he? Where did you meet him?”
Suddenly a story appeared in Maggie’s mind so tight and true she felt compelled to tell it. Maybe … just maybe … “I didn’t meet anyone, Ben. I’m going away for a semester. I leave next week to get set up.”
“Where?” Ben sounded crushed.
“Israel.” Maggie spouted the word before she could stop herself. “As an exchange student.”
“What?” Ben’s shock was evident. “Maggie, why would you do that?” She nestled both hands protectively over her belly and felt her anger rise. “Listen, Ben, until ten minutes ago I thought we’d never speak to each other again. Now you’re asking me why I’m going to spend a semester abroad? I’ll tell you why. Because you turned my wo
rld upside down when you left, and I had no choice but to make a way for myself without you.”
He was silent, and her voice grew softer. “Maybe being out of the country for a month will give us both time to think.”
“Okay … I’ll give you that. You can take a semester or a year. Take whatever time you want. But when you’re ready to give me a chance, I’ll be here, Maggie. I’ll wait as long as it takes—until you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.”
Maggie wished she could tell him that, wished she could call him over to her parents’ house and be honest about the past six months, then do just what he’d said—look him in the eyes and tell him she had no feelings left for him whatsoever. But it wasn’t true. Her heart was pounding with the sound of his voice, and hope soared within her in a way it hadn’t for far too long.
And yet, even as she celebrated inwardly, a small voice of concern sounded in her conscience: What about the baby, Maggie? What about the baby?
“Pray about us, will ya, Mag? I believe God will help you know what you want. And then … when you come back, let’s get together and talk, okay?”
Her mind raced, trying to match the dates correctly. The baby was due in May. She’d have to figure out a way to leave the area until then and …
And then what? Ben would have to know about the baby sometime. Unless …
“You could always give the baby up for adoption … give the baby up for adoption … ”
“I’ll pray.”
“Good.”
Her mind was racing weeks and months ahead. Why couldn’t she give the baby up? There would be others with Ben, wouldn’t there? Children who would be born into a loving home with both parents happily married. And what about the child she carried? If she really loved her baby, she would consider its future. No father, a mother who might have to work multiple jobs to keep them off the streets … What kind of life was that for a little one?
The idea began to take root, and she imagined holding the baby, giving her over to someone else …
She closed her eyes. Don’t think about it now. If Ben was willing to have her, then giving her baby up might be the price she had to pay. A price that would bring about the best future for her and her child. Fresh tears formed in Maggie’s eyes as raw pain settled over her heart.
Ben’s voice interrupted her. “When do you get back?”
Maggie swallowed another sob. “I’ll call you.”
“Maggie, you’re crying! What’s wrong?”
Don’t give it away, not now. “Nothing. I’m just … I wasn’t expecting this, Ben. I thought you were gone forever.”
“What about while you’re gone? Will you write … just so I know what you’re thinking?”
The threads of deceit worked their way around Maggie’s throat, making it difficult to speak. “No … no, that won’t be possible. I’ve got a lot planned and … Ben, I have a lot to think about.”
“Your parents are okay with you leaving the country like that?”
“Of course.” The threads tightened with every lie. “It’s the Holy Land, after all.”
“True … how are they, your parents, I mean?” Ben seemed suddenly desperate to catch up on all he’d missed over the past months.
“Fine.”
“And what about you … what’ve you been doing since spring?”
Maggie exhaled slowly and forced herself to sound natural. Why did she still love him, still picture him as clearly as if he were standing before her? How could she lie to keep him even after he had chosen Deirdre over her? Then it occurred to her that what he’d done for Deirdre was actually quite noble. Very Ben-like. And if Maggie hadn’t been so personally involved she might even have thought it the right thing to do.
“Maggie?”
She answered quickly this time. Too much silence was bound to make him wonder. And the lies were too fresh, too newly thought up for him to start questioning her now. “I got a job at the mall, put some money away, and spent a lot of time thinking.”
Ben considered that for a moment. “I’m sorry, Maggie. It’s all my fault. I wish—”
“Don’t!” Maggie’s grip on her abdomen tightened, and she could no longer stop the tears from flowing freely. “Don’t, Ben. The past is behind us.”
She was suddenly desperate to finish the phone call. They had five months before they would see each other again, and in that time she had a million details to work out.
Most of all she had to find a way to let go of the only one she had loved these past months: her unborn child.
The memories faded, and Maggie was suddenly back in the doctor’s office, trying to make sense of the nightmare that was her life. Inhaling, she filled her lungs with a deep, cleansing breath. She had told Dr. Camas the truth and still her heart was beating. The darkness had not completely consumed her; if anything, she felt somewhat lighter than before.
“So you moved to Cincinnati … is that right?” Dr. Camas crossed his legs casually, and Maggie felt nothing but empathy from him.
She nodded and wrung her hands nervously together. Then she forced herself to go back to the small farming town of Woodland, Ohio, fifteen minutes out of Cincinnati. Back to Nancy and Dan Taylor and a four-bedroom house full of love and laughter and everything Maggie had never felt growing up as an only child with a busy salesman for a father.
Maggie moved out just before her seventh month, when the right clothing was still able to hide her pregnancy. Not wanting to alienate her parents again, she told them she’d be staying with a Christian family and that she’d be back sometime that summer. Maybe for good.
Maggie’s parents were busy and, with John out of the picture, they trusted that what she said was true. They kept in touch by telephone once a week and never for a moment suspected that Maggie had gone away to give birth to a baby.
As the due date neared, Maggie began to have second thoughts.
The child inside her kicked and moved and had become so much a part of her she couldn’t bear the thought of giving her up. A doctor in Woodland had discovered by ultrasound that the baby was a girl and that everything else about Maggie’s pregnancy was proceeding normally.
Everything except the fact that upon birth, Maggie intended to give her daughter away.
She spent hours thinking about her own mother and how desperately she wished for a closer relationship with her. Sometimes whole days would pass while Maggie fantasized that she was keeping the baby and that she would certainly not be cold and militant as her mother had been. This daughter would be her heart’s mirror image. They would sing silly songs together and hold sleepovers on the living room floor, complete with popcorn and root beer; they would giggle late into the night. Maggie would shop with her little girl and pray with her, and together they would share the very secrets of their hearts Then reality would hit her, and she would remember the truth: Someone else was going to have the joy of this child. She had chosen Ben over the tiny baby within her, and her decision would stand. How could she or the baby have any real life otherwise?
Because Maggie knew no other way, she made plans with Cincinnati Social Services office to give the baby up for adoption immediately upon birth. She signed a stack of paperwork and felt as if she were tearing away pieces of her daughter’s heart with each stroke of the pen.
Once a social worker found Maggie going through the document that asked the birth mother’s opinion on the type of family she would like to have adopt her baby. Tears were streaming down Maggie’s face, and the concerned social worker put a hand on her shoulder. “Dear, are you sure this is the right decision for you?”
Maggie smiled through her tears. “Yes. I’m sure.” But inside she wondered how she could spend her life with a man like Ben Stovall if she couldn’t be honest with him. The mere thought of him—his strength and confidence, the presence he brought when he entered a room, the way he hungered after things of God—still made her heart soar, but what kind of man would demand absolute perfection of her?
Worse, what kind of mother was she, willing to give her daughter away to strangers in an effort to appear perfect?
There were no answers, and tears flowed easily, especially in the final days before her due date. In some ways it was like the last part of a wonderful vacation with someone she could never see again, someone she’d come to love deeply.
Given the choice of dozens of home studies, families ready and waiting for the opportunity to adopt, Maggie chose a well-off couple in their late thirties with no other children and definite plans to stay in Woodland. Maggie thought them a perfect match and that Woodland—with all the conveniences of Cincinnati and all the charm of a small town—was the ideal place for a little girl to grow up. Since the couple planned to adopt other children, Maggie’s daughter would be the oldest. A princess, of sorts.
Of course there was one other benefit of giving the baby to a couple who planned on staying in Woodland. If Maggie ever wanted to find her … At least I’ll know where she is. The fact was the only comforting thought as each day brought her closer to delivering.
It was almost time to say good-bye, and the prospect nearly broke Maggie’s heart.
Finally, three days after her due date, her water broke. Twelve hours later, just as the sun set on May 10, 1993, she gave birth to the most beautiful little girl she’d ever seen. The advice from Social Services was clear. Allow the baby to be taken by the nurses, sign the paperwork giving up rights to the child, and don’t look back.
Don’t ever look back.
Instead, Maggie watched every move the nurses made, allowing her eyes to follow her newborn daughter around the delivery room as a crew of people worked to clean her skin, check her heart rate, and cut her umbilical cord. The first step toward taking her away from me forever.
For the next fifteen hours Maggie held her daughter to her bosom, ignoring all requests by nurses to set the baby down or make a trip to the restroom or have a bite to eat. If this was all the time she would have with her daughter, she wasn’t wasting a moment of it. She cooed at the infant, whispering words of love and praying a blessing over her that would have to last a lifetime. When the baby stirred, blinked, and made eye contact with Maggie, she felt a rush of emotion unlike anything she’d ever experienced.
A Kingsbury Collection Page 50
