Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your paths straight.
The verse from Proverbs stopped him cold. That was it. He needed to trust God, because once he told Amanda the truth, he’d be in way too deep to find any other way out.
They pulled into the gas station and parked behind six police cars. McFadden was there, sitting in one of them, cuffed and looking—of all things—strangely sad. A distance away on the sidewalk, Amanda stood beside two of the officers, her eyes searching the road anxiously.
“She’s looking for us.” Kathy led the way, and in a moment Amanda saw her.
“Kathy!” The child ran the remaining steps that separated them and flung herself into Kathy’s arms. Ben stood beside them and placed his hand protectively on Amanda’s shoulder.
“I prayed and Jesus s-s-saved me.”
“I know, honey. He always does.” There were fresh tears in Kathy’s voice, and Amanda pulled away and kissed her on the cheek. At the same instant, she looked up and spotted Ben.
“Mr. Stovall! You’re here!” She moved away from Kathy and wrapped her arms around Ben’s waist—and he thought his heart would burst with joy. “I knew you’d come. I thought if God was going to let me live with you, and if maybe you and your wife were going to be my for always family, then of course He’d bring you here to find me.” She leaned back and beamed at him. “And here you are.”
Ben caught a look of unfathomable pain in Kathy Garrett’s eyes as she took in the scene, but it only lasted a moment. Then the woman smiled and put her arms around both of them. “I have a feeling God’s going to answer all your prayers, Amanda.” She met Ben’s gaze with a wink. “Every single one of them.”
Kathy moved away and motioned to the police. “I need to check on the arrest report and make sure they’ve contacted Social Services. That’ll give you two time to talk.”
Despite all the bad that had come from Amanda’s time in the Social Services system, at least she’d had Kathy Garrett. Ben watched the woman go and knew without a doubt that losing Amanda was breaking the woman’s heart. He respected her deeply for the job she’d done with the girl, for allowing herself to love Amanda like one of her own, all the while knowing that someday she’d most likely have to say good-bye.
Ben pulled Amanda close and knelt down on one knee so they were eye to eye. He studied her eyes and saw the light of God there. No matter what happened, this child would always be his. Maggie might not forgive him, but, God willing, he would hold tight to Amanda as long as he lived.
Right now, though, he needed to tell this wonderful little girl about her mother. Help me, God. I’m trusting You on this. “Amanda, there’s something I want to tell you.”
Kathy Garrett checked with the officers, making sure her department had been notified of Amanda’s status.
“Sweet little girl,” one of the officers said, nodding toward Ben and Amanda.
Kathy followed his lead and looked at them. “Yes, she is. She’s something.”
For a moment her gaze lingered, and she saw that Ben was having a serious discussion with Amanda. He’s telling her the truth about her mother. She watched Amanda nod several times, then saw how her face burst into the biggest smile Kathy had ever seen.
Her sweet Amanda knew the truth now: God had answered her prayers and brought her together with her real mother.
Kathy watched the two hug for a long while, but the happiness she felt for Amanda was no match for the pain she felt deep in her heart. The premonition she’d felt earlier had been right after all.
She was going to lose Amanda. And even though she was sure it would be good and right and the greatest answer to prayer Amanda would ever know, the thought of living life without her was enough to break Kathy’s heart in half.
34
After moving from house to house in the foster system, Amanda had precious few belongings to pack. There was the photograph of her and the Brownells taken on Amanda’s first day of kindergarten.
She wrapped the photograph inside a T-shirt and stuck it in her suitcase. Then she gingerly took hold of a scrapbook Kathy had made for her. The first part held pictures of Amanda as a baby and a little girl, of happy times with the Brownells. The rest of the book was pictures of her and the Garretts.
Amanda sat cross-legged on the floor and opened the book, flipping quickly to the back. She smiled at the memories in the pictures. Kathy’s family gathered around, celebrating Amanda’s seventh birthday; she and Kathy on the back of a horse at the stable two blocks from the Garrett house; the two of them roller-skating at the park across the street.
The foster homes she’d been forced to live in didn’t matter—she had always belonged to Kathy. But now God had answered Amanda’s prayer about finding her mother, and Amanda was going to have to say good-bye.
She closed the book and felt the sting of tears. For several minutes she held it close to her heart and let the tears come. Then she set the album carefully into her suitcase alongside her few clothes and things. So much had happened the last few days. Now Kathy said a whole new world was waiting for her.
Amanda wondered what that world would be like.
Mr. Stovall said that her mother was sick right now. That she was in a hospital, and that they would need to pray very hard for her. But Amanda was sure that one day very soon her mother would be well again. Then they would meet. And Amanda’s life would truly begin.
But even though she knew it was all going to be okay, Amanda just couldn’t imagine her life without Kathy and the Garretts.
She could hear Kathy in the other room, talking with Mr. Stovall. After today she wouldn’t hear Kathy at all. Amanda closed her eyes and it was suddenly hard to swallow. She always knew God would answer her prayers.
She just didn’t know it would hurt so much when He did.
The children were playing kickball in the front yard so the house was quiet as Kathy and Ben sat at the kitchen table and talked about the coming week. Sitting across from Ben, Kathy felt a peace that ran deep in her veins. There was something in the way this man was so willing to rearrange his life for Amanda that made Kathy know it was the right thing for the child to be with him.
He must love his wife very much.
Ben grew quiet, his eyebrows lowered. “Have you ever worked around people with depression?”
Kathy thought of the number of times she’d been forced to place a child in foster care because one or more parents was paralyzed by the effects of that illness. “Yes. But usually the people I work with have other problems, too. Drugs, alcohol addiction, criminal behavior.”
“Okay.” Ben set the mug down and looked at Kathy. “Tell me what you know about depression. I know we talked about it a little at the pizza place, but how can someone be a believer all her life, then wake up one morning and check herself into a psychiatric hospital?”
Kathy drew a steadying breath. “I’m not an expert, but from what I know depression is pervasive. People like to think it only happens to weak individuals, those without faith or character or inner strength. But nothing could be further from the truth.”
Ben ran his thumb around the rim of his still-warm mug. “Someone like Maggie, for instance. I loved her all those years. We had fun, we laughed, we prayed together. I thought our life was good. So how does it happen?” Ben braced his forearms on the table and his eyes grew watery.
“Lots of reasons. Our faith can help us through the valley, but it won’t always give us a way around it.”
Ben shook his head and stared at the table for a moment. When he raised his eyes, the pain there took Kathy by surprise. “What about the Bible? ‘I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.’ Or giving your burdens to God? Why wasn’t that enough for Maggie?”
Kathy folded her hands in front of her and thought for a moment. “I don’t know your wife, Ben. But from what you’ve told me, my guess is Maggie never allowed herself to really believe those verses. She was too
busy pretending to be someone she wasn’t. At least in her mind.” Kathy leaned back in her chair. “Imagine living nearly eight years with the kind of secret she kept from you. The pressure of that grew until she couldn’t take it anymore.”
Ben let his head drop. “She couldn’t take me anymore, either.” He glanced up. “I’ve had some long talks with God about this. He’s done a good job of showing me how I held Maggie—everyone really—to an almost unattainable standard. But still … if only she’d told me.”
“Do you think there’s hope? For your marriage, I mean?” Kathy reached for her coffee and took a slow sip.
Ben rubbed the back of his neck, then sat straighter in his chair. “Realistically, I don’t know. But I believe Scripture is true and that with God all things are possible, Kathy. Even this.”
Amanda walked into the room carrying her tattered, beige suitcase. “I’m ready.”
Kathy felt a surge of panic. Not yet. Lord. I don’t want to say good-bye. She steadied herself and forced a smile. “Okay, honey. Come on, let’s load up the car.” The three of them walked outside, and Ben lifted the suitcase into the trunk as Kathy waved to her other children. “Come on, say good-bye to Amanda.”
One by one they bid her good-bye, promising to see her soon and talk on the phone. This was a familiar scene for them, but only the older ones knew the finality of the situation this time. As far back as they could remember, Amanda came and went from their lives. There were no tears among them, and Kathy could tell by their faces that even the older children believed somehow she’d be back. Probably sooner than later.
Sometime in the next few days she’d have to explain that this time was different.
“We’ll see you all the time, right?” Jenika was the only one who looked concerned.
“Yes, Cleveland’s only five hours away.” She smiled at Ben. They had discussed the different scenarios—whether Maggie would want to take custody of Amanda or whether she might prefer a trial extended foster care period—either way, they would need to work with the Cincinnati court and Kathy in order to keep the paperwork straight.
There would be visits, but Amanda’s time with the Garretts would never be what it had been before.
The other children returned to their game, leaving Kathy and Ben and Amanda huddled in a small circle. “I’ll be back next week, right?” Amanda peered up at Kathy and bit her lip.
“Right, sweetheart. Mr. Stovall will have to file some papers to determine what type of arrangement you’ll have with their family.” Please, Lord, let me be right. Don’t let them reject her after all she’s been through. The one possibility none of them had dared consider was that Maggie might be willing to take Ben back, but not Amanda. If that happened … Kathy refused to think about it. God was in control, and He knew there was only so much a child could take.
Ben put his hand on the girl’s shoulder and smiled warmly at her. “Once things get settled we can come back and visit Kathy anytime you like, okay? We have a lot to do next week, introducing you to your mom and all of us getting to know each other. But we’ll be back.”
Amanda’s eyes fell, and she studied her feet for a moment. Then in a burst of motion she threw her arms around Kathy. Dropping to her knees, Kathy held Amanda close and whispered into her hair, praying the child couldn’t hear the tears in her voice. “This is what you’ve always wanted, Amanda. It’s okay. It’s a good thing.”
“I-I-I’m going to m-m-miss you so much, Kathy. Who will t-t-tuck me in and talk to me at night when I’m s-s-scared?” Amanda rarely cried, a trait Kathy recognized all too well among children who’d survived year after year in the foster system. But the pain Amanda was feeling now was terrible, and Kathy wiped the child’s tears as they streamed down her face.
“Mr. Stovall will.” Please, God let it be true … “And your real mother will, too, one day. I believe that with all my heart.”
Those final words seemed to comfort her and she pulled back, studied Kathy for a minute, then leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll always love you, Kathy.”
The lump in Kathy’s throat was so big she couldn’t speak. Instead she nodded and pulled Amanda to her one more time. “I’ll always love you, too, honey.” Her voice was hoarse with sorrow. “Now go on and don’t forget to pray. God has a plan for you, Amanda.” She stood up and gently presented the child to Ben. In a whispered voice intended for him alone she said, “I’ll be praying for you.”
He studied her for an instant and then shook his head slightly. “You’re amazing, Kathy.”
“Call me when you know how it’s going, okay?” She could feel tears falling from her eyes and wiped at them self-consciously. “Now go on and see what God has for you.”
The two of them climbed into the car.
Kathy remained on her driveway until she could no longer see the sadness in Amanda’s eyes or the way she reached out her hand toward Kathy from the side window.
When the car was gone, she let the tears come. Waves and torrents of them, washing the pain from her heart and causing her to remain firmly in place, unable to walk or move or do anything but miss the ray of sunshine that had just been taken from her life.
“What is it, Mom? What’s wrong?”
She looked up to find Bobby, her youngest, beside her, his eyes wide. He must have seen her crying and left his game to come to her.
She swallowed and tried to find her voice as she put her arm around his small shoulders. “Nothing, honey. Mommy’s just happy, that’s all. Very, very happy.”
It was eight o’clock on Saturday morning, and Amanda was still sleeping. Ben’s heart raced and he couldn’t still his shaking hands.
Would Maggie refuse his request like every time before? Or would she understand that at some point they needed to talk? Lord, speak to her heart. Make her understand that we need this timey and if she’ll let me see hen please open her heart.
As Ben picked up the phone, a knot formed in his stomach. It’s like a first date, he thought. Then he dialed Orchards Psychiatric Hospital and held his breath. “This is Ben Stovall.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. “My wife, Maggie, is a patient there, and I’d like to make an appointment to see her, please.”
“Mr. Stovall?” The nurse sounded like she was about to end the conversation, and Ben clenched his fists.
Come on, God. I need Your help. “Yes. My wife’s been there for quite some time … ”
He heard the nurse sigh. “Yes, Mr. Stovall, I’m aware of that. Your wife has requested no visits, no phone—”
“Wait! I know that’s how it was before. But I thought now that she’s been there a while … just ask her, will you? This is … it means a lot. Please.”
There was a hesitation. “All right. I’ll ask her. Hold for a minute.”
While the seconds passed, Ben thought of how far he and Amanda had come over the past couple of days. She was cautious about giving her heart, but they had forged a bond over Scrabble games and picnics at the park and knock-knock jokes that would make a foundation for the future. If there is a future. Come on, Maggie. Meet with me.
Two nerve-racking minutes passed before the woman returned to the phone. “You were right.” There was apology in her voice. “Mrs. Stovall said she’ll meet with you this afternoon at two o’clock.”
Ben felt relief surge through his body. He had so much to tell her, so much ground to make up. To think that she’d loved him enough to let Amanda go …
“Thank you. Please tell her I’ll be there.”
He could barely wait to tell Amanda, but before that, before anything else might distract him, he clasped his hands, bowed his head, and thanked God. Of all the pain and discovery he’d been through in the past month, the most incredible lesson of all was this: He’d finally gotten a glimpse of the real Maggie, the woman beneath the mask … the woman he’d married. What he’d seen there was flawed and real, warm and caring.
And more beautiful than anything she had ever pretended to be.
The discharge papers came less than an hour before Ben’s call, and Maggie wondered if Dr. Camas or Dr. Baker or one of the well-meaning Christian attendants at the hospital hadn’t tipped Ben off. The doctors had agreed the day before that Maggie was ready to live life on her own again. She had come face to face with clinical depression and by God’s grace she had not been consumed. Instead she had explored the darkness and analyzed the desperation until finally she was coming to understand it, willing to be honest with herself and God and everyone else.
Even Ben.
Her anger and resentment toward him had been replaced with a sorrow deeper than anything Maggie had ever known. She would apologize to him, though she knew it wouldn’t make any difference. Their marriage still seemed like a pretense—a way to manage the passing of the years—rather than anything real and intimate the way God had intended.
That doesn’t mean the Lord wants you to go your separate ways.
Maggie nodded at the thought. They were, after all, still legally married. Even if nothing about their marriage had ever been true.
She sighed. The point was probably moot, anyway. Once Ben learned the truth he would hire a divorce attorney quicker than she could ask for forgiveness.
Maggie, open your heart to Me, to My ways …
The call came from deep within, and tears filled Maggie’s eyes as she recognized the still, small voice. Lord, if You want me to stay with Ben You’ll have to change us both. I’m willing, Lord. But he has to forgive me. A sob escaped and bounced off the walls of her hospital room. Oh, if only he could forgive me …
The tears came harder until Maggie closed her eyes and forced herself to regain control. Ben would be there any moment; there would be time for tears later. Now she needed to think about what she would say, how things would go, and what she might do if he turned and walked out of her life forever.
She sat on the edge of her bed and looked around the room. It looked more like a luxury hotel accommodation than part of a hospital. After weeks of living here, the subdued, striped wallpaper was beginning to feel like home—the only home where she’d been able to be herself for too many years. Although she still had much to work out about her life outside Orchards, she would always be grateful for their intervention.
A Kingsbury Collection Page 66
