I tromped back and forth in front of her house. That helped a little. I lifted my skirt above my ankles, and jogged in circles around Elizabeth’s house. That burnt some anxiety. I wish I could go to the barn and do yoga, but it was too late and too dark. And you weren’t supposed to be out after dark if you were a colonial girl during King Philip’s war.
I wondered if anyone here would know what to do with a person having a full-blown panic attack, except maybe for Angeni. She was inside the house helping Elizabeth with life and death issues. During my thirteenth trip around the house I almost plowed into someone.
Tobias stood directly in front of me as I rounded the corner. I stopped in my tracks before I tackled him.
“You look panicked,” he said. “What is wrong?”
I put my hands on my knees, tried to get my breath back, and looked up at Samuel’s best friend.
Tobias was handsome in a rough-around-the-edges way, and seemed like a nice enough guy. We’d never spent time together but he always smiled at me. I had never gotten an emotional read on him—for good or bad. Frankly that was fine by me, ’cause there was enough going on. But I wasn’t going to share anything about Elizabeth. That felt private.
“Don’t know, Tobias.” I bounced up and down on my heels. “Have you lived in this garrison for a long time?”
He nodded. “My father was schooled by Reverend Wilkins and is counsel to General Jebediah. We’ve lived many places. Met many people. But we always return here. This garrison is home to me during this wartime. It is a good place to call home.”
Tobias could travel to other places. He was comfortable here, but I wasn’t. His father was important and he belonged to the community of people that lived in the garrison. I was just another misfit. I shook my head, stood up, and turned away from him ’cause if I teared up—I didn’t want him to see.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t think I belong here.”
“Maybe you belong here, maybe you do not. I think that you forgot who you are. Give this place more of a chance,” he said.
I heard the faint howls of wild animals in the distance, and shivered.
“Just wolves. They won’t hurt you. They want nothing to do with you,” he said.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“My father is a powerful hunter. He trained me since I was a child.” He stepped closer to me. “Hunters learn patience, details. They pay attention to the sounds around them. Notice footprints in the earth. The wolves are predators. But they won’t bother you, unless you behave like prey, or they are very hungry.”
I looked up at Tobias, and my breath caught in my throat again. More of my stupid anxiety. Strange how I had never even registered this guy before now. He was incredibly dark and dangerous, and I wondered about the jagged scar on his cheek. But I didn’t want to ask him about that. He might get offended.
So I tried to think of something that wouldn’t piss him off. “You and Samuel seem like best friends,” I said and blew on my hands.
Tobias smiled. “In some ways we are more like brothers. You need to warm up.”
My eyes widened. “No really, I’m fine.”
“Let us walk.”
“I don’t think I’m supposed to leave here,” I said. “Besides, a walk’s not going to make me feel better.”
“Yes it will. Angeni will let you know when you can go back inside. In the meantime we can walk around the inside of the fence.” Tobias leaned in and whispered, “Because a colonial girl cannot run without everyone believing she is crazy.”
I looked at him and decided. Yes, I wanted to feel better. Yes, I would walk with Samuel’s best friend.
“One lap and that’s it,” I said.
Chapter 17
After four laps, Tobias and I alternated between fast walking and jogging around the inside of the garrison’s tall, wooden-spiked walls. Lucky for me, most of the garrison’s residents weren’t out at night, as I knew they wouldn’t appreciate seeing a colonial chick huff and puff around their fort’s perimeters as she jogged next to a Native teen, even one dressed in colonial men’s clothes.
I didn’t hold up my skirts; I just plowed forward and breathed. Tobias didn’t keep up with me. He was actually a yard or so ahead of me, and jogged backwards. This guy was freaky athletic.
“Why do the wooden fences that surround this village lean inward?” I asked.
“It is more difficult for attackers to crawl up them during an assault,” Tobias said.
“Why do the Praying Indians have villages close to these walls?”
“Because even though they have been converted, the colonists still distrust them,” Tobias said. “Should there be an attack on this garrison, the Praying Indians will be killed first.”
Oh great, I thought, and my stomach turned. “Why do you get to live inside the garrison with the colonists?” I asked, and hated those words as soon as they fell out of my mouth.
My dad and Sophie raised Jane and me to be adamant about equal rights for women, minorities, religions, as well as people who were rich and poor, and all of us who fell in-between. I felt like I’d just asked a completely bigoted question. I felt like a jerk.
“Because we are lucky enough to have ties to important people in the garrison,” Tobias said. “We have skills they do not have. So they want to keep us close. Let us sit for a moment.” He pointed to the hanging platform elevated about four feet off the ground that loomed in the town’s commons.
I shook my head. “No way, I’m sitting where people get killed.”
“No one has ever been hanged there,” he replied.
“Fine.” I said. We trudged over and sat down. “Why are you being nice to me?”
“Because I want to get to know you better. Besides, Samuel is intrigued with you. The new Abigail, I mean.”
“Oh.” I felt my cheeks flush. Hopefully Tobias wouldn’t see that at night.
“He likes you,” Tobias said. “He told me.”
His words made my heart pound, and I got the shivers. I heard the wolves howl and I gazed up at the moon. The clouds looked like they were competing with each other to race across it.
“You like him, don’t you, Abigail?” Tobias asked. “Or whatever your real name is.” He smiled at me.
No way I was going to tell him my real name. “I don’t know what I like,” I said, and in the distance heard Angeni call my name. I sprang to my feet. “I’ve got to go.”
“And I will escort you.”
We left the town commons striding briskly past the church and the stocks.
“I thought you were not going to return until Angeni sent you a message,” he said.
“She did.”
“Oh.” He blinked, but kept a straight face.
I realized I hadn’t heard Angeni’s message out loud. I heard it in my head.
* * *
At Elizabeth’s house, I feared the worst, but hoped for the best. Before I could knock on the door, Samuel opened it.
I stood there for a heartbeat, and stared up into his strong face, which frankly, right now, appeared irritated. “Is Elizabeth—”
“Where were you?” Samuel asked.
“I was just—”
“I was protecting her, ” Tobias said.
“She does not need your protection.” Samuel frowned.
“Boys, be quiet. Come inside, Abigail.” Angeni motioned to me from across the room.
I couldn’t see Elizabeth, but I squeezed past Samuel. I practically felt the chill come off him. Tobias was right behind me.
“We do not need the cold night air in this house,” Angeni said. “Samuel, go home. Tobias, I do not want you two leaving the garrison tonight.”
“Yes.” Tobias nodded at her.
“I mean this,” Angeni said. “No matter what your reasons.”
Tobias left with Samuel following him. They shared a glance that didn’t appear all that friendly. But I guess friends who were more like brothers weren’t alway
s on the best of terms.
“Elizabeth?” I asked.
Angeni leaned over the fireplace. “She sleeps in the back room.”
“They’re okay?”
“For now. Elizabeth needs rest and quiet, if she is to keep her child. You must be starving.” She turned from the fire, placed a plate on the floor, and pushed it toward me. “Eat.”
I swallowed hard. “Can I see her first?”
Angeni paused, then nodded, and pointed to the back of the house. I headed that way when suddenly she was next to me and whispered in my ear, “Walk quietly, Madeline.”
I tiptoed into the tiny back room where they kept barrels of food supplies and sundries. Angeni had made it comfortable with cushions and warm throws. Elizabeth slept on the same mat I laid on weeks earlier, covered in the same blankets.
Her face looked peaceful. She didn’t seem to be in pain. I listened to her breath. It was regular, not raspy. I turned to leave, but something grazed my leg. It was her hand.
“You were brave tonight,” Elizabeth said. “Thank you.”
I took her palm and squeezed it. “You’re the brave one, Lizzie.”
I felt Angeni staring at me. Her face was a map that I was learning to read. She didn’t frown. She didn’t smile. Her face just appeared enormously practical. I understood that it was time for me to leave Elizabeth alone.
“Dream sweet dreams for you and your baby,” I said. “Tomorrow’s another day for the both of you.” I put my fingers to my lips, leaned forward and placed that kiss gently onto her forehead. “I love you.” But she was already asleep.
* * *
Angeni and I sat on the floor across from each other in front of the fireplace and ate from metal plates. “I saw you…” I wasn’t sure how to explain what I saw. “At your home. I saw you twirling in circles. You chanted words I’ve never heard before. ‘Sa-Ta-Na-Ma.’ Are those Native words?”
Angeni shook her head. “Not Wampanoag words.” She checked out my plate, which was empty. “Eat some more.” She took my dish and ladled more meat and stew onto it.
“That’s enough.” I waved my hand. “I can’t get fat.”
“Fat?” Angeni smiled. “You are learning, growing and if you are to be a Messenger—I need you to be stronger.” She added a pinch of herbs to the top of the stew, stirred it and handed it to me. “Fat. Hah!”
“Okay.” I worked on my second helping. It was delicious. Maybe it was the herbs. I wondered again what she meant about the Messenger comment, but realized I need to know something else first. “Tell me about Sa-Ta-Na-Ma?”
Angeni sighed and leaned back against the wall next to the fireplace. “Come here.” She patted the floor in front of her.
I scooted over and sat in front of her, my legs crossed. She reached forward and held my hands with hers. “Touch your thumb and tops of your second fingers together, and say the word, Sa.”
I did. “Sa,” I said. “What does it mean?”
“Sa means forever. Infinity. Some souls meet. They fall into hate, or crash into love and chase after each other, through different bodies and lifetimes. They are meant to be together, but must first learn lessons in order to figure out how to do that,” Angeni said. “Touch your thumbs to the tips of your third fingers and say, Ta.”
Wow, that was very cool info. I did as she asked. “Ta.”
“Ta stands for ‘life,’” Angeni said. “The life we have now, as well the lives we create through our thoughts and prayers, and actions. Past lives, future lives. Touch your thumbs to your fourth fingers, and say—”
“Na.” I touched my thumbs to my fourth fingers.
“Na means death. A physical death, or the end of a strong pattern, a way of life. Touch your thumbs to your fifth finger tips and chant—”
“Ma.” I touched the ends of my pinkie fingers to my thumbs. “What does Ma mean?”
“Re-birth,” Angeni said.
“Does this mean that our souls are reincarnated?” I asked. “Does this mean that our souls are forever?”
“Each soul’s destiny is not the same. Nothing is pre-determined. Not one soul’s legacy is written in blood, etched into stone. Some souls will change, and could become immortal. Others who do not learn the lessons, will not,” she said. “Time and lives collide and jump. Sometimes, we have not been properly schooled, or trained to know the best decisions to make. To take the strongest actions.”
A sinking feeling flooded my brain and it felt like Novocaine descended through my body. “I’m caught here in some kind of past-life, aren’t I?” I asked. “Technically, I’m not Abigail, but I’m also not completely Madeline, either?”
“You need to grow strong.” Angeni pointed to some blankets in the corner of the room. “I know it is not as comfortable as your other bed, but it will have to do for tonight. Sleep now. Build strength.”
Not before I got an answer to my question. “If I am Abigail as well as Madeline, it seems like I am both these people, but not either.”
“That is right,” she answered.
“But then, who am I?”
She squeezed my hands and said, “You are a Messenger.”
Chapter 18
I smelled burnt sage, lavender, and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
Our car was smashed off the edge of the parking garage with enough force that the front tires catapulted up and over the guard wire. My cookie flew through the air, just like Mama’s head that smacked the windshield and whiplashed backward.
From the back seat I could see the front of our car dangling: we balanced high in the air between the garage and the riverbank below it. I screamed.
Mama looked back at me, her head bleeding as she struggled with the seatbelt. “Hang on, Madeline!”
“Mama!”
Blood dripped down her forehead while she twisted like a pretzel and finally unbuckled her seatbelt. She crawled over the front seat into the back and leaned over me as the car wobbled.
Her hair brushed against my face as she worked like crazy to get me out of that booster seat. “Shh baby girl. It will be okay.”
I reached my hand up and pushed back her hair that touched her brow covered in sweat and blood.
“No matter what happens, I will never lose you.” Mama fumbled to unlock all the gizmos that strapped me in. She unsnapped two, but I couldn’t stop sobbing. “You’re my good girl, Maddie.” Mama wrangled the last buckle. “We’re almost out of here.”
That’s when we were rammed hard from behind again, and jolted forward.
* * *
I woke up, startled, and gazed into Samuel’s face as he squeezed my shoulder. “You cried out in your sleep.”
“Oh. A nightmare,” I said. Actually more like I just remembered a huge chunk of the accident. What was going on? Why now after all these years was I finally remembering?
“We need to leave now,” he said. “It’s past dawn, and we cannot be gone for long.”
I looked around. “Where’s Angeni?”
“With Elizabeth. She needs us to gather plants for her medicines.”
“Where?” I asked. “Back in her home?”
“No,” Samuel said.
* * *
I was outside the garrison’s walls for the first time since Elizabeth rescued me from the massacre. They probably lugged me through here, but I remembered nothing because I was drugged up and had a concussion. (Note to self: don’t expect to remember much of anything following a major accident.)
Samuel led me down a narrow, trampled, earthen path that wound through fields where the grasses came up to my waist. They were yellowing, and dying from the cold weather. I reached out and touched some. They felt brittle in my hand, and snapped in my grip.
“How far are we going?” I asked.
“Only far enough to get what is needed for Angeni’s medicines,” he said.
The air was crisp, the sky overhead a perfect blue. I caught a glimpse of dark forests in the distance. I heard the faint roar of some kind o
f water and smelled a salty, ocean breeze. I felt peaceful out here: liberated from the confines of the garrison, free from anxiety and worries. Then my gaze fixed on Samuel’s back as he walked several yards in front of me.
“Hey Samuel,” I said. “You’re talking to me again.”
“It seems like I have to, or I will never experience a moment’s peace,” he said. “We have a small climb ahead of us.”
“Hey!”
He turned toward me.
His face was flushed, his hair loosened and curled around the collar of his opened white shirt. This moment segued from feeling great to feeling perfect. “I like being here,” I said. “With you.”
He turned away, but not before I saw him smile. “I like it, too.”
* * *
We walked silently through a lush, dark, pine forest, while the sounds of cascading water drummed close by. Mist sifted through the canopy of pine needles above us. The occasional ray of sunlight danced on the forest’s floor illuminating acorns, fallen branches, and leaves that looked like jewels.
“What happened to your parents?” I asked.
“The woman who gave birth to me was shipped back to England soon after I was born,” Samuel said. “Her family did not approve that she had relations with a Native man.”
“So, did your dad raise you?”
“For a while.” He frowned. “But he was killed in a hunting accident when I was young.”
“I’m sorry. My mama disappeared when I was young, too.” On the outside Samuel and I couldn’t be more different. But in some ways, we were very much alike. Why couldn’t I have met him in my real life? Why did I have to meet him in this weird time travel thing?
I tripped, and my legs flew out from beneath me. I saw the ground rise up under my eyes. “Oh.” I reached my hand forward to break my fall.
But Samuel grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. He caught me and pulled me close to him. My heart beat quicker, and I was dizzy for a moment as my face pressed into his shoulder.
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