During class, I debate whether today is the day I should tell Wes the truth. It's just a matter of time before he figures it out himself so there's no reason to keep waiting, other than the fact that I don't want things to end between us. Stella thinks I'm crazy to think Wes would break up with me over this, and I don't think he will, at least not right away. I think it'll take some time to sink in and then he'll realize this isn't what he wants. I wouldn't judge him for that. Living with this uncertain future is a never-ending burden and I wouldn't expect my teenage boyfriend to have to endure that burden as well. It wouldn't be fair to him.
When the final bell rings, I exit the building and find Wes waiting just outside the door.
"Hey," he says, taking my hand. I notice some girls watching us as Wes leans down to kiss me. I close my eyes and when I open them again, I see those same girls, still watching us but now they're whispering to each other.
Ignore them, I tell myself. It doesn't matter what they're saying. I don't care.
I actually do care but I'm trying not to, which is why I'm saying those words to myself in my head. It's something Wes taught me. He's trying really hard to get me to stop worrying about what other people think, but it's not easy. He's only known these people a few weeks. I've known most of them since kindergarten so there's a history there that's hard to ignore.
"How was class?" he asks as we walk to his car.
"Fine. How was yours?"
"Aced my exam," he says, a big smile on his face.
"You didn't even study."
He shrugs. "I flipped through the chapter a couple times. That counts as studying."
I roll my eyes. "You're one of those annoying people who gets all A's without studying, aren't you?"
"Pretty much," he says, not even impressed with that enviable skill.
I'm impressed by it. I think it's sexy. He's naturally smart, which to me is a turn-on. In fact, when we're at his house doing our chem assignments and he starts talking about chemicals and reaction times, I find myself tossing our books aside and kissing him. He laughed the first time I did it and I got mad at him for it. I told him it was his fault. He shouldn't talk science in front of me, which made him laugh even more.
As we pull out of the school parking lot, he turns right instead of left. To go to my house, he should've turned left.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"On a date." He smiles at me.
"Right now?"
"Yeah. Why. Are you in a hurry to get home?"
"No, but I should probably text my mom and let her know I'm not there." I get my phone out. "I need to know where we're going. I have to tell my mom where I'll be or she'll freak out."
"Even if you're with me? I thought she liked me."
"She does. But she'll still want to know where I'm going."
"Tell her the park by the lake. I thought we'd go find a quiet spot under a tree and enjoy one of the last nice days before it starts getting cold."
A quiet spot under a tree. That's code for we're going to make out, which I obviously can't tell my mom, so I text her and just tell her I'm going to the park with Wes and to have dinner without me. I'm sure Wes and I will end up going out to eat after the park.
My mom texts back, telling me to have fun and to check in later.
"Okay, we're good," I say. "What are we doing after the park?"
"Not sure yet. It depends."
"On what?"
He pretends he doesn't hear me as he turns into the parking lot by the lake.
Why didn't he answer me? Maybe he thinks I'm still mad at him for questioning me at lunch. If so, I hope he doesn't bring that up. I want to forget about it. I assumed he already had since he hasn't asked me anything on the drive here, but maybe that's why he took me here. To talk.
If so, I'm not ready to talk. About anything. I just want to do what I thought we were doing. Make out under a tree and enjoy one of the last warm days before the autumn weather rolls in.
Wes still hasn't answered me. Maybe he didn't hear me. But if he did, and this outing is all some ruse to get me to talk about the incident at lunch today, it's not going to happen.
Chapter Twenty
"So why are we here?" I ask.
Wes turns the car off and smiles at me. "It's our two week anniversary. I got us a paddleboat, just like on our first date."
"That was a Saturday so technically today isn't quite two weeks."
"Yeah, but the party was two weeks ago and that was technically our first date. Actually, if you count the week I was trying to convince you to go out with me, we could almost say we've been dating for three weeks."
We get in the paddleboat and he pedals us over to a secluded spot on the other side of the lake. He stops the boat and reaches down next to his seat and pulls something out.
"Happy Anniversary," he says with a laugh as he hands me a big red tomato. "It's my best one of the season."
I laugh as I take it. "How'd you get this on the boat? I didn't see you bring anything."
"I came here at lunch and paid the guy a little extra to load the boat with some supplies."
"What supplies?"
He reaches behind him and pulls out a bouquet of yellow and white daisies. "For you."
"Wes, they're beautiful!" I say as I take them.
"I almost got roses but thought they might get crushed when the guy went to hide them in the boat. And I..." He stops, and for the first time ever, he doesn't look like his usual confident self.
"You what?"
He lets out a nervous laugh. "I wasn't sure if you'd think roses were too serious, given that it's only been two weeks."
"It seems longer than that."
"I think so too," he says, and I see him relaxing, that smile I love appearing and making my heart melt.
He takes the flowers from me and sets them down, then holds my hand and looks in my eyes. "When I moved here, I never expected to meet someone. I didn't want to. I just wanted to get through high school so I could work on making more games. It's not like I was against having a girlfriend. I just didn't want one unless it was someone really special. And I was sure I wouldn't find that someone while I was in high school. But then I saw you on the first day of class and thought, shit, I'm not going to have time to work on developing games because my mind is going to be fixated on this girl."
I smile and look down at the flowers by my feet. I can't believe any of this is happening. I can't believe I'm out on a Friday night with a cute guy who is also the sweetest, smartest, coolest guy I've ever met. I can't believe he bought me flowers and planned this special date. I can't believe he likes me this much. None of this makes sense.
"I think you're awesome, Luna. I know you don't believe that about yourself and I feel bad that you don't. I wish you could see how great you are and not listen to all the people who tell you you're not. Because like I've told you a million times, when they say those things, it has nothing to do with you. It's them, and whatever it is they're going through that makes them want to take it out on other people. I'm just going to keep telling you that until you believe me. And I'm going to keep telling you how great you are until you believe it yourself, and when you finally do, I'm still going to tell you because I don't want you to ever forget it."
His words are so kind and so beautiful that they're making me tear up. They're words I never thought I'd hear from a guy, or from anyone.
He's right. I don't believe him. I don't think I'm awesome. I've had too many years of people telling me I'm not. But sometimes it only takes one person, the right person, to cast a hint of doubt on the beliefs you've held about yourself for years and make you think that maybe his words are the ones you should listen to. That maybe, all this time, you've believed something that isn't true.
"You should write greeting cards," I say, trying to lighten the seriousness of the moment.
"I am pretty good with words, which is odd for a tech guy. We're usually numbers people."
"You're good with tho
se too. And gardens." I look down at my tomato, which is next to the flowers. "That's the best looking tomato I've ever seen."
"Thanks." He only half-smiles, which means he's not ready to go back to laughing and joking around. He wants to say more.
"Should we go to the other side of the lake?" I ask, setting my feet on the pedals.
His hand goes to my knee, stopping me. "Not yet."
I take my feet off the pedals and wait for him to continue.
He faces forward and leans back in his seat, looking out at the water. "Today at lunch, when you didn't see Sarah..."
"I don't want to talk about it." I hurry and put my feet back on the pedals and start pedaling us forward but then feel us not moving and notice Wes pedaling the opposite direction, cancelling my attempt at any forward movement.
I sigh. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I'm not ready to leave yet."
"No. I mean, why are you bringing this up? So I didn't see Sarah next to me. Big deal. Like that's never happened to you before?"
"Actually, no, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that this isn't the only time something like this has happened."
I want to jump in the lake and escape this discussion but since I can't do that, I close my eyes and focus on trying to remain calm. Trying not to overreact. Maybe I can explain whatever he thinks he saw and we can move on. Unfortunately, given his serious tone, I doubt that'll happen.
Why is he bringing this up? Why now? Why right this moment? Everything was perfect just a minute ago and now it's not. Now I'm anxious and feeling sick and wishing I could get the hell off this damn boat.
"Last week, Hannah was waving at you in the hall," Wes says, "but you didn't see her. She had to call your name before you noticed her."
"The hall was crowded. That's why I didn't notice her."
"She was just a few feet away from you. I wasn't even looking that direction but saw her waving out of the corner of my eye. The same thing happened yesterday, when Colton was giving you the thumbs up in class after you answered the question before the teacher could call on him. He was right next to you and you acted like you didn't see him. He saw me later and asked if you were mad at him."
"I wasn't mad at him. I just didn't notice him giving me the thumbs up."
"Sometimes I'm standing right next to you and you don't even notice until I say something."
I turn to him, my anger bubbling to the surface. "What's the point of all this? You take me out here, making me think it's some kind of romantic date, say all these nice things to me, then suddenly turn on me and tell me you're disappointed because I'm not reacting the way you want me to?" I huff. "Let's get out of here. I want to go home."
"I'm not disappointed. I'm worried. I can't figure out what's going on. I keep thinking there's something wrong with your eyes, like maybe you need glasses. But you can read the board in class so then I'm thinking it's something else. I'm just trying to understand. I'm trying to help."
"You know what would be helpful?" I ask, raising my voice. "For you to just drop this and stop trying to analyze everything I do. You wouldn't even notice if you'd stop staring at me so much. Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that."
"About what?"
"I'm getting really tired of having you watch my every move. I feel like I'm under surveillance whenever we're together and I don't like it. Nobody likes to be stared at all the time."
"I look at you because you're beautiful. I'm sorry if that annoys you but I can't help it. Even if I told myself to look away, I wouldn't be able to. That's how beautiful you are to me."
Damn him. It's hard to be angry with him when he says that stuff. And yet I AM angry. Not at him, but at the situation. I found this great guy who thinks I'm awesome and beautiful, and I can't keep him!
Sometimes the universe is really mean.
"Can we go back to the park?" I ask. "I've had enough boat time."
"Are you saying that because you're trying to run away from me? Because you don't want to talk about this?"
"I've just had enough boat time. It's hot out here." I fan myself.
"We're in the shade. And there's a breeze blowing."
"Can we just go back to the park?"
"Yeah, but before we go, will you answer a question for me?"
No matter what I say, he'll still ask me the question so I say, "Go ahead."
"Is there something you're not telling me?"
"Like what?"
"Like something I should know? Something you've been hiding from me because you think it'll affect how I feel about you?"
Seriously, how does he know this stuff? Is it written on my face? Or did Stella say something to him? Did she drop any hints? She's been bugging me to tell him. I wouldn't be surprised if she said something to him.
"I've seen how you squint in class," he says. "And you're always rubbing your forehead like you have a headache, but then when I ask if you do, you deny it."
"Everyone gets headaches."
"But not every day." He wraps his hand around mine. "Luna, are you sick?"
"I'm not sick," I say with a laugh. "Do I look sick? You just said I was beautiful."
"You are, and you don't look sick, but that doesn't mean there isn't something wrong. You shouldn't have all those headaches. And why are you always squinting? Why don't you notice when people are—"
"My eyes!" I yell, ripping my hand from his. "It's my eyes, okay? Are you happy now? Can we stop talking about this?"
"What about your eyes?" he asks softly. "What's wrong?"
"Retinitis Pigmentosa. It's an eye condition."
"That does what? What does that mean?"
"It's a genetic disorder that causes loss of cells in the retina. It's why I can't see in the dark and why I don't have peripheral vision and why I'm sensitive to light." I hurry the words out, just wanting this to be over with. Talking about it just makes it more real, which is why I never talk about it. And now Wes is making me talk about it and I hate him for that.
Just minutes ago, I was thinking about how much I like him, how I could easily fall in love with him if we were older and able to have a future together. But now? I hate him. Why did I ever like him? How could I like someone who pushes me to talk about something that hurts me? Scares me? Makes me dread the future?
"Luna, why didn't you tell me?" He reaches for my hand but I tuck both of them under my legs.
"You didn't need to know." I stare straight ahead, not wanting to see his reaction. Is he disappointed? Angry at himself for falling for someone like me? Wondering why he wasted his time with me?
"Please take me back," I say. "I just want to go home."
"Is there something they can do? For your eyes? Can they fix this?"
I laugh but there's no humor behind it. "Fix it. Yeah. That'd be nice. Unfortunately, there's no cure. My eyes will just keep getting worse."
"What do you mean?" he asks cautiously.
"I think you can figure it out." I bite out the words, angry he wants me to say out loud what I fear the most. How dare he! Who does he think he is?
"You'll lose your vision," he says quietly.
I don't respond, because what else is there to say? He knows the truth. Now I'll just wait for him to end things. Actually, I'd rather just end it myself and get it over with.
"You can take me home now. Thanks for the flowers." I pick them up. "And thanks for...everything else," I say, fighting back tears, my anger turning to sadness.
"What are you talking about?"
I don't answer, but just gaze out the side of the boat, using all my energy not to cry.
"Luna." He takes the flowers from me and holds my hand. "Look at me."
I don't do it. I can't.
"Fine. Then just listen." He gets a firmer hold on my hand. "What you told me just now doesn't change anything."
"Yeah, right," I mutter.
"Would you please look at me and stop mumbling to yourself? We need to talk about this. I nee
d you to understand—"
"Understand what?" I whip my head back to him, even though a tear is rolling down my cheek that I didn't want him to see. "That whatever we started is over? Yeah, I know it's over. I knew it was over from the moment it started. I just kept it going because..." I shut my eyes. "Because I really like you and you were nice to me and made me happy when we were together and even when we weren't and I..." I take a breath. "I wasn't ready for it to end."
"It's not gonna end," he says in a firm tone. "Why would it? Why would you even think that?"
My eyes pop open and I point to them. "Because my eyes are broken! And eventually they won't work at all! I'll be blind! It could happen tomorrow or next week or a year from now or twenty years from now. Nobody knows. So I just sit here waiting, wondering when it's gonna happen."
"What does that have to do with us?"
I stare at him. "Are you kidding me? You really expect me to believe a guy your age, with all the stuff you have going for you, would want to date a girl who can barely see? Who could wake up one day and be blind?" I toss my hands up in frustration. "With all your success, and the success I'm sure you'll have in the future, you could have any girl you want!" I'm breathing hard and stop to catch my breath.
"Are you done now?" he asks. When I don't answer, he says, "I'm not breaking up with you. I found the coolest, smartest, funniest, most beautiful girl in the world. Why the hell would I give you up? Because you might go blind? You really think I'd break up with you because of that?"
I look away. "Just take me home. Please. I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"I'm not taking you home. We're on a date."
"The date is over." I swallow. "I just want to go home."
The Geek and The Goddess Page 18
