“That’s pretty sad considering she’s been going around telling everyone that you’re a mess and your house is a mess and it’s a shame that Stacie and Jamie are going to end up fat like you because you know shit about proper diet and nutrition.”
“She did not say that!” Mindy gulped.
“According to Elise Kruger she did. I bumped into her at the dry cleaners and she heard it from Stephanie what’s her name with the orange skin who uses the same trainer as Beth.”
“No way. After all I’ve done for her!”
“That’s what I’m saying. She’s a bitch. So is it true? Is she having an affair?”
“No, but Richard’s leaving her and doesn’t know she might be pregnant.”
“Oh my God!” Nadine gasped.
“Shit!” Mindy felt faint. “I can’t believe I just did that. You can not repeat this, Nadine. Do you understand? You can not open your mouth to a single soul because it might not even be true. I mean I’m the one who thought she was pregnant because she had all the symptoms and she hasn’t been careful with the pill and couldn’t remember when she had her period, but she told me she did the test and it was negative, and who knows if Richard is actually going to leave? He’s just threatening because they’re fighting all the time, but in my opinion, I think he really loves her, he’s just got this huge problem with lying, so when he told her the other night that he’d decided to live in Portland and work for Nike, she couldn’t tell if he was bullshitting or not.”
“Oh, jeez,” Nadine said. “That’s a lot of information!”
“I know, but I wasn’t kidding before. You repeat one word of this and I will tell Peter that you did not go to the movies with me last week, that you went to the craft fair at the Nassau Coliseum. No, wait. I’ll tell Lori that you still smoke. Oh, man. That will get you into major trouble!”
“Okay, okay…relax. You don’t have to get all crazy. I’m not going to tell anyone.”
“Yeah, right. You’re probably halfway through a group text message.”
“That is not fair, Mindy. Have I ever betrayed your trust?”
“Probably…but it better not be this time.”
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Wasn’t Mindy forever reminding her daughters that trust was the most important thing in a relationship? And how could she be pissed at Nadine for blabbing Beth’s news when she had done the same? So which was worse? Admitting you were this huge hypocrite or living in fear of confrontation?
Not that Mindy would blame Beth for never speaking to her again. In spite of all the mean, hurtful crap Beth had pulled over the years, and the fact that payback was hardly out of line, Mindy had done the unthinkable. She’d added yet another layer of pain to Beth’s suffering.
By evening she was having palpitations about the ugly, unavoidable showdown and the realization that she had jeopardized the start of a new, promising friendship. Even the usually oblivious Artie noticed she wasn’t herself. When did Mindy not devour sushi from Akari?
So when Beth left her an instant message that she needed to come over right away to talk, Mindy’s first thought was to grab her keys and a bag of chips and head to her mother’s house. Not that this was any great refuge. She’d end up confessing, then having to listen to the same tape she’d played for the girls about trust being the most important thing in a relationship. Plus, thanks to the Internet and cell phones, your business and whereabouts were easily traceable. Ditto for leaving your car in the driveway.
“Why didn’t you get back to me?” Beth was standing at the door. “I know you’re home.”
“Oh, um,” Mindy stammered. “I was just busy with the kids. Everything okay?”
“No, of course not. Can I come in?”
“Sure.” She opened the door. Please don’t yell at me here. I don’t want my family hearing what a terrible person I am. “Did you hear from Richard again?”
“No…what is wrong with you? You’re shaking. Did you see a ghost?”
Wait. You’re not mad at me? Nadine actually kept her mouth shut? “I’m just a little stressed…been a long day.”
“No shit! You must have told your lovely friend Nadine my entire life’s story because I’ve spent the last few hours reading about myself on everyone’s away messages.”
FUCK! “Beth, I’m so, so sorry. It just blurted out and I—”
“Whatever. I don’t give a damn anymore about who knows what. People are such goddamn hypocrites. We’ve got more important fish to fry.”
“We do?”
“Yeah. Apparently that lady, Anna Jane Crandall, at Downtown Greetings was mighty impressed with us. She sent us an e-mail inviting us to Chicago to talk about doing some sort of creative project for them. Didn’t you read it?”
“No, I haven’t been online today. So, wait. There’s no more contest?”
“Guess so. That crazy lady, Olivia, you spoke to made the whole thing null and void. Anyway, here’s the deal.” Beth made herself a cup of tea. “She needs us to fly out Thursday and meet with her first thing Friday.”
“This Thursday? That’s only two days from now. I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because, I don’t know. Who would drive the kids?”
“Screw it. It’s time they learned to take the bus.”
“Hello, Fox News? I’d like to report an alien abduction.”
“Or,” Beth ignored her, “maybe Aaron could drive them. He’s not starting school until Monday.”
“Seriously? You’d let a teenager who doesn’t know his way around drive your children?”
“I’ll take my chances. I have no choice.”
“Wait. How can you leave town? Unless Richard is coming back.”
“That’s the other thing I had to tell you,” Beth wrapped the tea bag around her spoon.
“Are we thinking those are his balls because you just castrated that poor thing?”
She looked at her still tight grip and laughed. “I hope he’s feeling this…. The prick just e-mailed me that he’s signing a one-year lease for this townhouse near Nike.”
“Oh, man! Now I’m sorry I gave him a ride from the airport the other day…. I just felt so sorry that he lost his wallet.”
“He didn’t lose it.”
“Yes, he did. He said he left it in one of those bins at security.”
“I know that’s what he told you, but the man is a pathological liar. He didn’t lose his wallet, he was out of money because he blew through his cash advance.”
“How do you know?”
“Because he told me. And you had to see how proud he was that he got you to believe his story.”
“But he seemed so distraught.”
“Mindy, the man could sell beer to the Mormons. The truth is, he never carries his own money or credit cards when he travels for business because he hates waiting to be reimbursed. The hotel and car are direct-billed to the agency and he just takes a big enough cash advance to cover his meals and incidentals. I guess this time he must have had some pretty interesting incidentals because he didn’t have a dime when he got to LaGuardia.”
“No!”
“Yes! Didn’t I tell you he could have been an actor? He had me fooled for a long time, too. I actually thought he loved me.”
“Beth, I’m sure he loves you and the girls, he just needs help.”
“Then you tell him because I’m tired of begging.” She sipped her tea. “Anyway, I just called my mother and told her the whole story, which was not easy because we’re hardly the Gilmore girls. Anyway, she said she would be willing to fly in tomorrow to stay with the girls and then my dad would come in next week for Passover.”
“So she wasn’t freaked out when you told her? ’Cause my mother would have given me the you-made-your-bed-now-lie-in-it lecture. I think there’s a Hallmark card that says that.”
“A few years ago she would have done that to me, but she’s finally mellowing. That, and her hearing is getting worse. It’s possible she missed half o
f what I said.”
“Great. So much to look forward to. Deafness, incontinence, nobody wanting to spend time with you unless you brought your checkbook…”
They were contemplating the joys of aging when Artie walked in. “I meant to ask if you called Noah? We really need to talk to him.”
“Have you met Mr. Didja?” Mindy asked Beth. “Didja call the exterminator, didja pick up the dry cleaning…? Yes, I called him, but he didn’t get back to me yet.”
“Is that a bad sign? You think he had an awful vision and now he’s avoiding you?”
“No, I think it means he’s busy helping the government locate missing tax evaders. It always takes him a few days to return my calls. Why are you so jumpy?”
“Mom!” Stacie yelled. “Is the bee-ach still here? I need help with math.”
“Awk-ward!” Artie sang.
“Me?” Beth pointed to herself. “I’m the bee-ach?”
“It’s our little code name for you on speed dial,” Mindy chuckled. “Yes, she’s still here.” Mindy hollered back. “Daddy will help you…and please get Ricky into the shower.”
“Well, if it’s true-confession time,” Beth whispered, “you’re FS on our speed dial.”
“Full of shit?” Mindy guessed.
“Fat slob.”
“Oh my God! That’s so mean!”
“Now we’re even…. Can we please finish discussing the Chicago thing? I have to get home to talk to the girls.”
“Sure…Brace yourself for some actual good news,” Mindy told Artie. “Downtown Greetings wants to meet us on Friday, and they’re paying for us to fly there.”
“You’re kidding.” He stopped drinking. “Why you?”
“Because our entries were amazing,” Beth said. “And apparently they’ve got some big board meeting coming up and want to announce a partnership deal with this fabulous new company called House of Cards.”
“Who are they?” Artie asked.
“Us. We’re House of Cards.”
“We’re a company?” Mindy spit out her coffee.
“We are now. We just have to print up business cards and bring them with us.”
“Cool!” Mindy laughed. “What do we do?”
“What do you think we do? We develop clever greeting cards.”
“Are we good?”
“Are you kidding? We’ve got me as the art director. We’re unbelievable!”
“Do you have clients?” Artie asked.
“One…Downtown Greetings.”
“Wait…who gets to be the president?” Mindy poked Beth’s shoulder.
“That would be me also,” she said.
“No, no. I am much more qualified. I have real presidential experience.”
“Since when?”
“I was president of my Hadassah chapter for two years and I was awesome. But seriously, what’s the real story here?”
“I just told you. Anna Jane thinks we’re great, she needs a quick something or other to impress the board after they find out the contest was canceled, and it’s Chicago here we come. And don’t even think of not going because I need the job!”
“No one gets through E-ZPass without payin’ the toll.” Artie caught Mindy’s eye.
“And you would know,” she glared. Beth was suffering enough without him poking fun. If only there was a cure for Dumb Husband disease. “Would you please go up and help Stacie with her homework? Then go get Aaron.”
“Homework, yes, Aaron, not yet. I just spoke to Nadine and she said the kids are having a great time and not to come until eleven. Apparently it turned into a victory party.”
“Jonathan just found out he got into Indiana’s music school,” Mindy told Beth, “and he’s out of his mind excited.”
“That’s great. I wish my luck would start to change.”
“Me, too.” Artie squeezed the soda can in his bare hand. “The bad news continues….”
“Now what?” Mindy swallowed.
“Remember before when you said Noah catches tax evaders? Well that could be us.”
“Oh, no! Lenny finally woke up and realized we hadn’t filed since Clinton was president?”
“Leave him alone. You think it’s easy doing people’s taxes with an abacus? No, he just did our quarterly estimates and we don’t have the money to pay them. Oh, and then we just got a call from some detective in Portland investigating a vandalism case at one of the schools.”
“Oh my God.” Mindy held her breath.
“Yeah. There’s a warrant out for Aaron’s arrest.”
But what did you get when you mixed Jewish geography with six degrees of separation? The name of an attorney in Portland who happened to be related to a cousin of Nadine’s uncle’s second wife. And that wasn’t even the coincidence. The attorney, Steven Hoffman, knew and remembered Davida Findley, as she had once donated a dozen of her handmade quilts for an auction for his pet charity.
After hearing Aaron’s tale, including the latest twist that he was being charged with vandalizing school property, Steven offered to take the case on a pro bono basis in return for his late mother’s generosity. Only trouble was, he was going to need Aaron back in Portland within forty-eight hours to post bail and to await a hearing with a family court judge.
“No problem,” Artie told him. “I was hoping to get away for a few days.”
“Plus, we love spending money we don’t have.” Mindy poured a glass of wine.
When confronted with the accusation, Aaron swore he had not vandalized any schools in years and that the Portland Police had picked him up in error for questioning once before. But while Mindy and Artie desperately wanted to believe him, with a prior arrest record and now a new warrant, he had no choice. He had to answer the charges.
But funny how bad did sometimes turn to good, for being back in Portland allowed Aaron to collect more of his possessions and to see Rainbow. Meanwhile, Artie was finally able to get his hands on Aaron’s official school transcript as well as Davida’s death certificate, the biggest saving grace of all.
On a hunch, Stan had called the New York State Insurance Department and discovered that the company Rhoda bought the policy from had changed hands several times, but was still paying out claims. Furthermore, Artie was correct in guessing that the policy could still be in force if the premiums had been paid from an investment account and then by its dividends. With proof of the insured’s death, he as beneficiary could file a claim and receive the settlement.
Still, he was careful not to do the happy dance when he heard the news, lest Aaron go crazy again for thinking his father was rejoicing that his mother died. But proof of her death would not be the only evidence they would supply that would change their luck.
The crime committed against Lewis Elementary occurred on a night that Aaron was cruising the Atlantic Ocean, and dated photos downloaded by Stan was the evidence they needed to prove he was not the defendant picked up on the surveillance cameras.
“Aaron’s not going to jail?” Ricky tugged at Mindy when Artie shared the news. “No sweetie pie. He was telling the truth…he’s a really good boy. Just like you.”
“Now can we take him to Disney?”
“Not yet, but definitely the circus. It’s coming up real soon.”
“Aaron doesn’t like the circus.”
“He doesn’t? How come?”
“’Cause the clowns are scary and they do bad things to kids. They made him pull down his pants.”
“Oh my God! He said that? He said the clowns made him pull down his pants?”
“Yeah…but it’s okay to go to the circus here ’cause that was only the clowns where he lived.”
“Do you swear you’re telling the truth, Ricky, because that’s a very bad lie to tell?”
“I’m not lying Mommy. Aaron hates the circus ’cause-a the bad clowns. I don’t wanna go no more either.”
Twenty-two
Why was it that when you were in the middle of a storm that was blowing the roof off your hou
se, and you were down on your knees praying for survival, the phone rang and it was someone trying to sell you vinyl siding?
There Mindy was, trying to book a return flight for her mother in Florida that would land in time for her and Beth to then catch a flight to Chicago, when the phone rang and Mindy heard Dana’s whiny, aren’t-I-special voice. “Hello, Mindy. How are the children?”
Not that Dana cared. The reason she’d called was to say that she and Ira had been discussing it and they were uncomfortable with the idea of Mindy and Artie making Passover because, well, their house was so small, and it would be such a tight squeeze to fit everyone into the dining room and besides, everyone knew Rhoda was a much better cook, not to mention she’d just spoken to Rhoda and things were more or less back to normal with Stan, at least they weren’t threatening to split up anymore, and also, the contractor doing their kitchen floors was running behind and wouldn’t be getting started until after the holiday so they could still make the first night as long as Mindy and Artie were okay with it.
Mindy took one of those deep-cleansing breaths Dana was always raving about and said, “You know what I think? I think that you should take your organic horseradish and your gluten-free matzoh and shove it up your ass because we are making Passover here just like we planned. My family has been looking forward to starting some new traditions, and so what if our dining room would be a tight squeeze? If you guys don’t come, we’ll have plenty of room and we won’t have to worry that we only have service for twelve or that your bratty kids will destroy the place like they did last time they were here.”
“Oh my God. It was just a suggestion!” Dana sniffed. “I wish you’d try gingerroot and passionflower. They really take the edge off.”
“So does a bottle of red!”
“Whatever…I didn’t know it meant so much to you to make Passover.”
“Actually it doesn’t. Way too much work, not to mention a huge expense. It’s just that I don’t understand why you always have to act like you’re royalty and we’re here to serve you. I mean you basically just told me we don’t deserve to make a holiday because we don’t live in a McMansion, but you know what? Forget it. I don’t have time to deal with this right now. I’ll tell Rhoda we love the tradition of having it at their house and that’s the end of it. I have to go now.”
Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead Page 23
