“Have a good night,” I said. “Get home safely.” I opened the door and let myself back into the bar. Why hadn’t I told him the whole truth? Why did I leave out the most crucial part of why Anthony dumped me?
Why hadn’t I told Noah that my ex left me when he found out I was pregnant?
Chapter Five
Noah
“It’s only Wednesday, and you don’t get to burn out yet.” Quinn clapped a hand on my shoulder.
I watched Miranda walk with Bayden toward one of the work trucks. Yep, there was absolutely something between them. Bayden would never let someone on-site unless they were part of our crew. Allowing Miranda to tour the new police department we were building for Cross Creek was a big deal. He didn’t even make her wear a hard hat.
A rogue week-long rain had slowed our timeline down. We couldn’t pour concrete in the deluge, and we were working double-time to get back on track.
Ethan didn’t like not being on schedule, and the rest of the crew seemed short on patience. Moods were sour, and the men weren’t at their best, and there was Bayden, escorting the sheriff around, anyway.
I shoved Quinn’s hand away.
“Leave me be and let me wallow in my misery.”
“You can’t be miserable. You’ve got one amazing brother.” He pointed to himself. “And you were part of the crew that built the Guild Creative Center in Aspen Cove.” Quinn’s infectious smile lit up his face. “What could you possibly be so sullen about?”
“That was a sweet build.” I thought about Aspen Cove and wondered if it was time to move. The town was charming, and there was no Kandra at Bishop’s Brewhouse.
I turned away, but Quinn fell into step beside me.
“It’s about her, isn’t it? Kandra?”
Without a word, I pulled open the bathroom door. Quinn backed off a step, and I walked inside, locking the door behind me. I could only hope he’d get the hint to leave.
“Did you take her home?” he yelled through the door.
That was loud enough for everyone to hear. I opened the door and grabbed his collar, yanking him off-balance. “I’m done talking about this, and so are you,” I snarled.
Shoving him back, I closed and locked the door once more.
“I knew there was something there. Way to go, brother.” His voice faded as if he was walking away, and I squeezed my eyes closed. If he didn’t lay off, I would choke him to death.
Behind my closed lids, her face took residence. Those blue eyes blinked, and her lips curved into a hesitant smile. You know, all my best memories are here with you. It’s strange coming back to find out that you hate me.
I still remember her telling me ten years ago that I couldn’t provide the life she wanted. I never thought she was the type of woman that would gut me with her words and walk away while I bled. I never thought she would quit on me until it happened. Yeah, I was in pain, but I didn’t hate her. I felt angry and betrayed, but I could never hate her because I loved her.
Nothing is working out as I expected. When I left, I thought I had all the answers.
Our conversation the day she tore my heart in two had been her telling me what she wanted in life. Were those the answers she’d thought she had that she was no longer sure of? Was she coyly trying to tell me she wanted another go at us? I rolled my eyes. That would never happen.
I’m not the same person I was when I left.
She was right about that. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what changed, but something about her had because she was different. Just as pretty, but wounded in some way. The light in her eyes had dimmed. Her confidence was gone. Kandra Sullivan had left an inferno and came back a puff of smoke. All the spark in her personality was gone, or was it merely waiting for the right moment to ignite?
Why had she asked me if I had a problem with Benji? Was she fishing to see if I was jealous, just like she’d done when she wanted me to say she was beautiful?
Someone pounded on the door, and I pulled it open, looking around for Quinn, but he was nowhere in sight. Ryan, a member of the crew, walked inside.
I walked out and thought about Kandra and our conversation some more.
When the calls stopped coming in, I didn’t mind because I thought I had Anthony.
Anthony ... the guy was a dick. A Harvey Weinstein of the modeling world who probably had a casting couch in every room of his office. He talked her out of taking photographs and instead being in them so he could control her career. He dumped her, and I was sure the jackass knew the hit to her self-esteem would send her running home. If he didn’t, then he never really knew Kandra.
Quinn’s arm slipped around my shoulders. “How did it go last night?”
I shrugged him off, but Ethan stepped up to my right, pinning me between them. “Still single? Are we able to go to the bar, or did you get us booted?”
“Did you kill anyone or smash any faces?” Bayden’s voice chimed in from behind, and when I swung around to face him, Miranda studied me with suspicion.
“He’s kidding.” I didn’t need the sheriff looking at me like I had something to hide. “Nobody got killed or maimed. It was all very civil.” I stepped onto the dirt, heading back to work, but my brothers stood still. “Don’t you have work to do?” I asked as I pivoted to face them.
Quinn shrugged. “Fifteen-minute break?”
“Aren’t you going to tell us what happened?” Ethan crossed his arms the way our dad did when he was waiting for an answer, and I wanted to deck him.
“She told me what happened since she left, and then she went back to work, and I went home.” It had all been so innocent, but I doubted my brothers would believe me. “I’m done talking about it, so stop asking.”
“He’s sensitive, which means something happened.” Quinn rubbed his hands together while his eyes sparkled with mischief.
“Nothing happened.” And nothing would happen because I had to be on guard with her. I realized something last night; despite her being gone all those years, nothing had changed; Kandra still had my heart. She managed to make me feel something, and it didn’t matter that those emotions were anger and betrayal.
All the pseudo-relationships I’d been in since her were so topical I’d never felt any loss or sadness when they ended. Maybe that was because I never let anyone in after her. Somehow, her coming back to Cross Creek made it feel like she never left. That hole in my heart was now plugged, even though the pain seeped through.
I sounded stupid and sappy and sentimental. Kandra coming back didn’t change anything that happened before. She had left me because I wasn’t enough, and it broke me.
“I was right, you’re still in love with her.” Quinn’s glee and my dark inner thoughts clashed.
“Did you forget what today is?” I grumbled, leaning in closer to him. Today was not a day for him to push me, to joke around, or to be so playful. It should be a somber day of silence and respect.
Quinn’s eyes narrowed, and his brows furrowed. “I know what today is.” His voice was razor-sharp.
“Do you? If so, then where’s your respect?”
“You know me better than that, and I don’t think Dad would want us to be sad and mopey.” Quinn’s quiet anger snapped in his voice.
I was tired of the fun and games on such a mournful day. My relationship with other ghosts of the past didn’t matter today. “Why do you always act like nothing happened?” I stepped closer to Quinn, who stood his ground and studied me calmly.
“You grieve your way, and I’ll grieve mine.” His even tone did nothing to calm the anger eating at the lining of my gut.
“Do you grieve, or is life all a joke to you?” I watched his pupils dilate. “You’re so focused on me and some woman that walked out of my life a decade ago instead of the fact that today is the second anniversary of our father’s death.”
Quinn’s Adam’s apple bobbed.
“Look, even if there was something between us—and there isn’t—today is not the day, okay?” I stepped arou
nd him and headed for my truck. My chest caved in like a wrecking ball had crashed into my sternum.
I sat in the cab, holding back the pain, when someone rapped on the glass. The sharp sound, like point-blank gunshots, invaded my skull.
I glanced out at Max, the mail carrier.
He motioned for me to roll down the window, and I did, because next to my father, he was the best man I knew, and the closest thing to a father figure I had left. “This is for you.” He dug an envelope out of his bag while running his other hand through his hair. It had stayed dark despite his age but was going salt and pepper at the temples. Unlike his hair, his close-clipped beard and goatee were mostly gray with a few black hairs.
“You’re delivering mail to my truck now? They better be bumping your pay grade.”
Max chuckled. “It’s actually from me to you. I know this is a difficult day.” His dark eyes met mine.
I inhaled and took the envelope he offered. Tapping it against the steering wheel, I considered whether or not to say something.
“I blew up at Quinn today. He’s just so … cavalier. Today is supposed to be a day of somber respect.” I trusted that whatever I told Max stayed with him, unlike Dottie, the diner owner, who would gossip her way to the pearly gates. Max was a good man.
“You’re upset. Quinn is likely wounded too, but you’re both individuals, so it stands to reason you’d handle loss and pain differently. It’s hard to understand, but I know he doesn’t mean any harm.”
“Should I apologize?”
He snorted. “Probably not; it’s Quinn, and there’s no doubt he deserves your ire for something or another.”
I chuckled while staring at the sealed envelope that had nothing written on the front. “Thank you for this,” I said, holding it up.
“You haven’t opened it yet, so why are you thanking me?”
“I feel like I should wait to open it until I need to, if that makes any sense.”
He nodded. “It makes perfect sense.” He shifted his weight as if getting ready to walk away but hesitated. Sucking in a deep breath, he glanced at me. “You know, Kandra is a good woman. She’s not perfect, but nobody is, and if she makes you happy, you should let go of the past and go for it.”
I didn’t need to ask how he knew, because there were no secrets in a small town. Even so, I knew I could always trust him to keep mine.
“It’s not that simple.” I rubbed my chin, feeling the start of a rough shadow against my palm. “She broke my heart, Max, and I won’t give her the chance to do it again.”
“Because you’re sure she’ll let you down, or because you’re afraid she won’t?”
I considered his words, and he was right. I was equally afraid of both outcomes. I didn’t know if I was ready to settle down now, but if I were, Kandra had always been the woman I imagined beside me.
“You two were just kids. Not saying the love wasn’t real, but you’ve had ten years to grow up. Ten years to understand what you want and need. You were always an old soul, Noah, much older than your years, but she may have needed time to grow. She’s a sweet one and mark my words, someone will win her heart. The question is, will you forgive yourself if you don’t try again?” Max lowered his head to dig inside his bag again, giving me a moment with my thoughts.
The idea of her finding someone else sent white-hot anger flashing through me.
It was ridiculous to feel jealous because she wasn’t mine. Even though I’d once been hers, maybe she never ever truly belonged to me.
Still, she wasn’t the same person she’d been when she left. Life had knocked her down a peg, but instead of letting it break her, she held her head high. I had to give her that, Kandra was a willow and while she might bend, she wouldn’t break.
Her words ran through my head.
This is my life, and I’m trying to make the best of it.
“Is it worth getting hurt again?” I honestly didn’t know. It sounded stupid and cliché, but it was the truth. Losing her was like losing a limb. I hadn’t been whole after she left. That was something I hadn’t revealed to anyone.
Max lifted both shoulders, his eyes locking on mine once more. “I can’t answer that for you. Maybe you have to let your heart decide.”
Chapter Six
Kandra
I wiped my mouth with the back of my trembling hand. Nausea turned my stomach, and I silently begged my body not to throw up again.
Turning on the sink, I splashed cold water on my face and rubbed my hands over my stinging skin. I hated vomiting. It was about the worst feeling in the whole world. My nose burned, my eyes watered, and my throat was so raw no amount of honey could soothe it. To make things worse, I shook like an alcoholic at rehab.
Meeting my tired gaze in the bathroom mirror, I exhaled slowly. The girl staring back at me looked scared with her wide eyes, darkened with delicate smudges that made her look like she hadn’t slept a decent night in months.
Last night, I got off work at two after Roy approved a couple of overtime hours so I could help him close. He walked me to my car and waited until I drove off before going to his truck. It was sweet, but there was no crime to speak of in Cross Creek unless you counted the local teens knocking down mailboxes. Or Mrs. Barry stealing someone’s Sunday newspaper for the coupons.
I felt safe from nefarious activity, but I appreciated the gesture.
For a boss, Roy was shaping up to be a good one which made me feel awful for not telling him the truth. I clung to the edges of the sink until my fingers ached. I was keeping this pregnancy under wraps, but why?
Wouldn’t it be easier to tell people now? I mean, what would I do when Roy asked me to carry something heavy? It was part of the job I agreed to do when he hired me.
With viscous questions circling like sharks and no answers coming, I turned off the water, patted my face with a towel, and left the room.
A glance at the clock on my bedside table told me it was nearly noon. Sheesh, the whole day was slipping by, and all I’d accomplished was puking my guts up and realizing I had too many questions and no real answers. My belly turned, and I dropped on the edge of my bed. My hands wouldn’t stop trembling as I ran my fingers through my hair, twisting it up into a messy bun I could fix later. I prayed I wouldn’t start heaving again.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to work until four. With any luck, Roy would let me have the extra two hours of overtime again to help him close. I needed the money because life would get a lot more expensive, very soon.
I doubted I could count on Anthony for child support. He wanted no part of having a baby. And unless I wanted to sue him, I was on my own. People who didn’t have money couldn’t win against those who did, and Anthony was loaded.
I stood up and yawned as the world went black behind my eyes and waited for the lightheaded feeling to pass. Everything came back into focus, and I exhaled.
As I got dressed, I wondered when I’d stop being able to button my jeans. How long would I even be able to keep my secret?
A movement outside my window caught my eye, and I hurried out the front door. The bright sunshine assaulted me, and I shaded my face with one hand as I rushed to the mailbox.
“Max!” I remembered the old mail carrier. He’d always been kind and gave the best advice when I needed him. There was no way I’d let him move past my place without a proper hello.
His face lit up, and when he opened his arms, I rushed into the hug. “You’re back,” he said.
I stepped away and gave him a look. “You already knew that, so don’t try to pretend.” Nothing got past the mailman; outside of the local police, Dottie, and Roy, he knew the most about the locals.
With a slight smile, he loaded my mailbox. “You’re right, I did. This is from me to you.” He held out a white envelope, and I reached for it, but he pulled it back. “Too slow!”
I laughed. When I was a little girl, we played this game, and the memory of the times when he stopped and chatted with my parents and slipped me a piece o
f candy or a new book, filled me with warmth. Max always felt like part of the family.
He touched the envelope to my hand, and I took it. The blank white paper gave no hint to what was inside, and I turned it over. The flap was tucked into the envelope, but it wasn’t sealed.
“Thank you.” I smiled at him.
“You don’t even know what it is.” His jeering brought a smile to my lips, and I shifted back and forth on my feet. “Aren’t you going to open it?”
“I’m a bit emotional these days and should probably be alone when I do, but thank you for thinking of me.” I opened my mailbox, and he turned as if to leave, but hesitated for a moment and twisted to face me once more. A thoughtful look softened his face.
“You know, you’re glowing.”
I sucked in a deep breath. Of course, he knew. There were no secrets from Max; somehow, I’d given myself away. Hopefully, he was the only one who had figured it out.
“I’m not telling anyone yet,” I whispered the words. “I mean, I’m not that far along, and until I hit that safe mark, it doesn’t make sense to share.”
He dipped his head and lifted a hand. “I can respect that, but is that the real reason?”
He always had a way of seeing right through me. “It’s complicated.” It wasn’t all that complicated. I had failed. I left everything I loved, hoping for something better, and I ended up with less. I hadn’t even told my mother. I could still hear the words she told me the day I left. “You are capable of anything you set your mind to. Conquer the world.” She hugged me and then whispered in my ear. “For God’s sake, don’t let anyone take advantage of you, and don’t get knocked up. There’s nothing like a child to change the trajectory of your life. You were born for great things.” Won’t Mom be proud of me now?
“I appreciate your discretion.”
Max looked up at me with compassionate eyes, “Of course, it’s not my story to tell.”
Broken Hart (A Cross Creek Small Town Novel Book 1) Page 4
