“He was older than me, by a lot, and I was flattered. He claimed he hadn’t been drinking and offered me a ride home …” She stopped suddenly and sniffed.
I knew where this was going, but I was speechless and I couldn’t stop her.
“We climbed out of the gravel pit and made our way to his truck. But when we got there, instead of getting in, he pushed me against it. Suddenly his hands were all over me. In the closeness I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He’d lied to me, and I was starting to get scared.” A small sob escaped her mouth. “His words were so … ugly, Ty. He was angry about something, and he took it out on me. He was too strong, Tyler. He was seeking redemption; and he got it. He ruined me. He took my innocence, and the girl you once knew died that night.”
I felt a knot form in my stomach just thinking about someone taking advantage of her in such a way. No one should ever have to go through such misery. It all made sense to me then. Elizabeth had dealt with something that no one should ever have to go through … and she’d done it completely alone. She’d put up walls to protect herself, yet she needed the attention to validate herself.
I grabbed her hand and kissed it—husband be damned. She was telling me one of her deepest and darkest secrets and she just needed someone to be a friend. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” I asked.
She shrugged in response. “I never spoke of it, until now, because that was exactly what he wanted me to do. He told me that much. He knew what he’d done would hurt Emma … and more importantly you and Shane.”
“Who?” I questioned quietly. I felt the anger rising within me before I yelled at her, “Elizabeth! Who did it?!”
“Trent Wood.”
Holy fuck.
Emma’s high school boyfriend. The one Shane and I had clothes-lined when we found out he was cheating on Em. I stood, determination coursing through my veins. “I’m gonna kill him …”
She reached up and grabbed my wrist. “He’s not worth it, Tyler. Besides, it’s water under the bridge now.”
I scoffed. “How can you say that, Liz? He ruined your life!”
“No, he didn’t. I did that myself. I’m the one who made the choices I made afterwards. I could have told someone and gotten help. But I decided to cope the best way I knew how, Tyler.”
She’d coped by forcing herself into a life that she didn’t want—a mold she didn’t fit into. She’d been a free spirit and he’d taken that all away from her. Trent Wood had ruined my Elizabeth. I had let her down. I should have been there to protect her. She’d needed me.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she said softly, “and it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself because I don’t. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m starting to heal. Your leaving broke my heart, Tyler, but you need to know that it wasn’t the reason for my demise. I did that all on my own.”
As I slowly started to sober up, things began to make sense to me. Elizabeth had changed after we left, but not for the reasons I’d thought. This … this was so much worse. I wrapped my arm around her neck and pulled her into my chest. “Fuck, Half-Pint,” were the only words I could find. We sat there for a few moments, our arms wrapped tightly around each other before we finally broke our embrace. It was crazy but despite the bomb she had dropped, I still wanted to ask where we stood … but it didn’t feel right. Thankfully, she decided to go there all on her own.
“I love you, Tyler. I always have, and I’m thankful that you care about me. You’ve always wanted the best for me and I will forever be grateful for that. But right now, I need to figure stuff out on my own. It’s just that when I’m around you, I can’t think clearly.”
I laughed. “I can understand that.”
She smiled as we stood from the steps, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it might be the last time I’d see her. She threw her arms around me again. “Just know that you saved me, Tyler. Without you, I know I would have completely lost myself.” She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek before turning around to disappear in the darkness.
I woke the next morning with that all too familiar pounding in my head. Packing my shit up, I knew that everything would be different once we got back to New York. Emma and Shane were moving out, the condo would be put on the market, and I wasn’t even sure if Rob and I would continue to live together. I’d spent the last nine months in a relationship with a married woman and I still didn’t know where I stood … with any of it. Things were looking rather bleak for me.
Once I finished gathering all my stuff, I found Rob and we ate a hurried breakfast before calling a cab. Emma and Shane were heading off with Felix for an extended vacation. They didn’t see the need for a honeymoon, so they were staying in Maine for a few more days. We sat out on the front step, waiting in an uncomfortable silence, both of us knowing that there was nothing else to be said.
“Shit, I forgot my smokes in the room.” Rob stood and glared at me, apparently waiting for some sort of response. “Ty …”
“Yeah, yeah, I gotcha.” I spoke without making eye contact. I was too intent on examining the gravel in the driveway. “Won’t leave without you.”
Rob grunted before stalking back towards the inn. I folded my arms up into my lap and threw my head down. I thought my situation with Elizabeth had been bad before, but now? Well, now things had been taken to a whole new level. Not only had I fallen head over heels with her, but people knew about it. I was torn between my sadness for her and my hurt. It was fucked up beyond belief.
I was sitting there a prisoner to my very own pity party—yes, again—when I heard her quietly mumbling something behind me.
“Huh?” I questioned, my head snapping up to catch one last glimpse. Despite my frustration toward her, she still took my breath away. It was then that I finally accepted that I was just as much of a lovesick puppy as Shane was. I would do anything to make Elizabeth happy—my own happiness would always be an afterthought when it came to her.
“I said, I hope you can forgive me,” she sniffed and wiped a stray tear from her cheek.
My heart ached, and I immediately turned my gaze from her and sighed in frustration. I thought she’d already said her goodbye to me last night. She needed to figure things out on her own, right? So, why was she trying to smooth things back over? Or was she just trying to perfect her cat-and-mouse game? She’d played me long enough—her past be damned—and I’d put up with her shit for far too long. She couldn’t have her cake and eat it too. “Seriously, Liz, I just need for you to leave me alone. You’re hot, then cold. Your moods are giving me whiplash and I’m beyond tired of playing your games. You need to worry about yourself and Emily for a bit.”
“Tyler …” she started to plead.
I stood up in frustration, “No Liz. You listen for fuckin’ once! You and I may have started out as just a physical thing, but goddamn it, it’s so much more than that now. And you know what kills me the most?”
She shook her head as the tears fell freely down her reddened cheeks.
“The thing that wrecks me more than anything else is that I know you feel it too! Somewhere in there, you want to be free. Be yourself. Hell, maybe even be with me. But you’re too fuckin’ scared. You’re scared that if you do something you actually want to that you might actually have to do it by yourself!”
“That’s not fair—” she argued.
“But it’s true,” I cut her off. “The fact of the matter is, Liz, that you obviously have some shit to figure out. You’ve been through a lot, and you need to be ready to help yourself before anyone else can. But all I know is that I don’t wanna be anyone’s second choice. So, this is me, graciously bowing out … for now. You obviously need time to be you, and I can give you that. Just know that I will be waiting … when and if you’re ever ready.”
With those words I picked up my suitcase and starting walking down the backwoods roads of Maine.
Leaving her standing there, crying, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But it was the righ
t thing to do—there was no doubt about that. Elizabeth had issues she needed to work through. Issues that were beyond my understanding, and something I didn’t know how to help her deal with.
I’m not sure exactly how far I made it before the cab caught up to me, but my thoughts were suddenly interrupted by honking horns and the sound of Rob yelling. The cab pulled up next to me and continued to slowly move forward keeping with my slow walking pace. “Thanks a lot, dude. Way to give me a complex!”
The car pulled over, coming to a stop just in front of me, and the door flung open. Rob peeked his head out and popped one of Emma’s pouts. “Tyler, seriously, get in. I’ve got some shit to tell you. I think I can help you come to grips with the fact that you just made the best decision of your life by walking away.”
I stopped in my tracks and stared at him curiously. I wondered what made him such a goddamn expert. Rob never had any useful advice, so obviously this piqued my interest, but I was simultaneously cautious. It wouldn’t surprise me if this was his way of leading up to an onslaught antagonizing ‘I told you so’ taunts. He rolled his eyes in frustration—clearly sensing my apprehension. Without any further words he quickly lifted his t-shirt sleeve to reveal the infamous ‘Jenny’ tattoo.
Despite my sullen mood I felt a smirk form on my lips—in fact I was downright giddy. For ten years, we’d been asking about that tattoo on his arm. “You gonna finally spill the beans?” I questioned hesitantly.
“If you’ll just get in the mother fuckin’ car I will.”
I chuckled as I tossed my bag into the trunk before throwing myself into the back seat with him. The car jerked forward and silent moments passed before he finally took a deep breath. “You know I haven’t always been this awesome.”
I laughed. Even in a moment of seriousness, Rob still managed to be an egotistical maniac.
“Seriously though,” he assured, his voice slightly edgier. “There’s a reason I am the way that I am.”
Suddenly I was uncomfortable. “Okay …”
“I know you probably think I know shit about love, but trust me when I say …” his voice cracked before he coughed and continued. “Part of learning to love is knowing when to let go.”
“Jenny?” I asked hoping to get more on the back-story of his infamous tattoo.
Rob shook his head, signaling that he wasn’t about to give me any more. “Dude, you have no idea. You’ve gotta remember that this is real life … not a goddamn fairytale. You can’t always get your happily ever after.”
Sensing that his advice session was concluding, I threw my head back onto the seat. “How did we all get so fucked up?” I asked.
“Life has a tendency of doing that to people.” Rob patted my leg in a show of solidarity. “I heard what you said to her, and you did the right thing. Elizabeth Sloan is obviously all sorts of fucked up, and she needs to figure that shit out. On. Her. Own. You love her right?”
“I think that’s pretty obvious,” I muttered in response.
“Well, if you truly love her, you’ve just given her the best gift possible. You’ve got to give her the space and time to decide what she wants. Set her free and if she loves you, she’ll come back.”
I looked at him and felt a slight sadness in my heart, but this time it wasn’t for me. Rob was speaking from experience—he’d let his love go, but she hadn’t come back to him. If he believed I was doing the right thing, so did I. What was meant to be would be. It reminded me of my grandmother. She’d always talked about love being similar to finding sea-glass. In fact, it was her favorite analogy.
We would spend countless hours combing the beach. I’d find pieces and show her, but if they weren’t completely opaque she would say that they weren’t ready to be loved, and throw them back into the ocean. It drove me nuts, because to me sea-glass was sea-glass—as long as it didn’t slice open your finger it was good enough.
But then one day she explained it to me. “Love is a lot like finding a piece of sea glass that isn’t quite ready,” she’d say. “It’s beautiful, but jagged around the edges. And sometimes you gotta throw it back so you have a chance of finding it again … when it’s absolutely perfect.”
Everything was in Elizabeth’s hands … just like it had always been. I had thrown her back. She was too jagged.
I’d done all I could.
Once I was back in New York things settled rather quickly. Emma and Shane told Rob about their plans and he took it better than I had. We’d all been there, not so long ago, when Emma had decided to move in with that douchebag, a.k.a Mr. Wonderful. But this time the process was far more emotional. In fact it was to be expected—all of us knew it was time for them to move on. It was final, there were no doubts this time. Emma, Shane and Felix were all leaving the nest.
Once they’d made their announcement things got a little hairy. Rob and I fought for hours about the condo. Obviously I couldn’t afford to pick up half the mortgage but Rob—with his hefty salary—could afford his half and mine. Yeah, the dude was pulling bank. He had no problem picking up the slack to keep hold of our ‘home’. I however, had a huge problem with someone else paying my way. I always had. Always would.
Money had been way too important of an issue in way too many people’s lives. My mother for one … and she-who-shall-not-be-named. It killed me that money had so much control over people. And not just their lives—their emotions too. They let it dictate everything and I refused to play with fire like that. The almighty dollar did crazy things to relationships and I wasn’t about to put my friendships on the line because of it. It just made more sense to sell and get a new place with a fresh start—just Rob and I. It would surely be interesting.
Eventually Rob conceded. He agreed it would be easier for all of us if we sold, but he demanded that we continue to live together ‘until our dying days’. I ignored his reference to the possibility—or lack thereof—of either of us eventually finding somebody to move on with. “You know you can’t get rid of me that easy,” he said with a smile.
Within the week, realtor came to value the condo. We’d all been shocked at how much it was worth—a lot more than what we’d paid for it. And just like that, it was for sale.
Things were a changing, and I was putting my best foot forward. While Shane and Emma were busy packing and prepping for their move, Rob and I seized the opportunity to go out … a lot. Rob was thankful to have a drinking buddy again, and I was just looking to numb the pain.
Rob kept insisting that I just needed to bring home a hottie. I stupidly agreed, and every night I would set out to hook up. But when push came to shove, I just couldn’t. I always saw her.
I was struggling with my resolve and guilt simultaneously. I knew I’d done the right thing, but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel bad. Elizabeth needed help, she had demons in her past that she needed to face but I wasn’t so sure that she could do it alone.
I was lying on my bed with my hands behind my head when there was a knock on my bedroom door. “Come in,” I called.
The door slowly creaked open and Emma peeked her head around it. “Mind if I come in?” she asked quietly. I assumed that Felix had just fallen asleep.
“Course not.”
She entered and shut the door behind her before making her way to my bed. I scooted over, making room for her to sit on the edge.
“I want to apologize to you. I don’t think I’ve been much of a friend. Especially now, when you could probably use one the most.”
“S’okay …” I started. “You’ve had your own stuff going on …”
“No,” she cut in, “it’s not okay. You were there for me when I needed you. You always are. You deserve more from me than what I’ve given you. So, now that I’ve got that off my chest”—she took a deep breath and smiled—”how’re you doing?”
I laughed. “You feel better?”
“Much.” She punched my arm playfully. “But seriously, Ty …”
“I’d lie if I said I wasn’t hurting. I can�
��t stop thinking about her … how she’s doing, if she’s okay, if she’s smiled today … or if she’s cried. Christ, Em, I just want her to be happy … to do something for herself again.”
Emma gave me a knowing look. She understood how I was feeling. She knew what it was like to be in love and want more. “I know it’s probably not my place to tell you since it’s family drama but fuck it, you have a right to know.”
Intrigued, I propped myself on my elbow.
“Some serious Sloan shit went down when we left Maine. Mom and Dad haven’t been on the best of terms. Apparently Dad found out how controlling Mom has been. He questioned me about it and I told him the truth and, well, lets just say that he was less than pleased to know that the wool had been pulled over his eyes for all these years.”
I wanted to crawl under the covers and hide knowing that I had caused marital problems for one of the few men that I truly respected.
“Anyway,” Emma continued, “Dad has Mom on a short leash and he made it very clear to Liz that he would support her in whatever she chose to do.”
“Wow,” was all I managed to say.
“Yeah.” The room filled with a pregnant pause, followed by a heavy sigh from Emma. “Tyler … Liz left Mason.”
With those three words I felt my heart literally skip a beat. I felt hope and confusion all at the same time. Why hadn’t she called to tell me? Where did this leave me? Leave us? “When?” I asked, hopeful.
“Last week. She’s staying with Mom and Dad while the divorce is finalized. There’ll be custody hearings, but we’re all pretty sure that Mason won’t put up much of a fight with those since he’s gone all the time. Then she’s gotta hang around for thirty days before she can move …”
Imperfectly Real (A Series of Imperfections) Page 17
