Love Struck

by Laurelin McGee

  “Yeah, too bad. Too bad you don’t know how to stop lying to yourself.”

  “You know what? I don’t have the energy for this. I came in here to explain why I called the police. I called because you left without a trace and none of us could get ahold of you. You were distant today. I was concerned. I’m sorry that I ruined your date with our opening act. I’m not sorry that I cared about your whereabouts. I’m not sorry that I cared enough to go there, because I fucking care about you!” Even to Eli’s ears, it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Jax.

  “Uh-huh.” Jax pressed his lips together tight, clearly skeptical. “Well, you explained it. If you don’t have anything else, you can go now.”

  “Don’t you have anything else? An explanation? An apology?”

  Jax shook his head. “Nope. Got nothing to explain that’s any of your business. Got nothing that I’m sorry for.”

  “Jackass.” Eli didn’t even bother to mutter it under his breath. He threw one more sharp glare at Jax, then turned and left.

  He stopped in the hall outside the door though. He leaned his back against the wall and let out a string of quiet curse words. When the hell had he and Jax grown so far apart? He knew they’d been strained for a while—since the cutting/suicide incident. Before that, even. But he’d always thought the gap between them could be closed again. Now … he wasn’t so sure.

  But it wasn’t the relationship with his friend that had him riled up the most—it was the truth in his accusations. He hadn’t cared where Jax was on other occasions. Tonight, though, when Eli had seen him leave with Lacy, when hours had passed without their return, when neither of them would answer their phone—Eli panicked.

  And it wasn’t because he thought that Lacy was in any danger with Jax.

  It wasn’t because he thought that they’d get in any trouble.

  It was because the thought of her … alone … with him … did something to Eli’s insides. Tore him up. Made it hard to catch his breath.

  Why couldn’t he just let this girl go?

  He had an answer. It wasn’t one he wanted to think about, but it sat in his belly like a boulder that refused to move.

  He slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Now what the hell was he going to do?

  Chapter Twenty

  Lacy woke up to loud pounding on her door.

  Dammit. She’d forgotten to put the DO NOT DISTURB sign up. It was probably housekeeping. Her head throbbing, she dragged herself out of bed and over to the door. Luckily she was still wearing last night’s clothes so she didn’t have to grab a robe.

  She leaned her face against the cool metal frame. Oh, that feels good. “I’m still in here. Come back later.”

  “Lacy?”

  Not housekeeping then. Though she didn’t recognize the voice, she opened the door and peeked out. “Sammy? It didn’t sound like you.”

  “I was trying to be quiet in case you had a hangover.” The roadie’s tone was soft and gentle, barely above a whisper—a complete contrast to her usual tough demeanor.

  “That was nice.” Lacy opened the door to let her guest in. She hadn’t forgotten Sammy’s role the evening before, however, and so her voice held remnants of irritation. “Then why did you knock so loud?”

  Sammy stepped in. “I didn’t.”

  Ah. So she did have a hangover. Well, that explained the throbbing in her head.

  “Hold out your hand,” Sammy whispered. She placed two pills in Lacy’s hand then handed her a bottle of water. “For your head.”

  “Thank you, thank you.” Lacy’s gratitude was genuine. She threw back the pills with a long gulp. Then held the cold bottle to her face. “And really, you don’t have to whisper.”

  “Ah, fine then.” Although no longer whispering, Sammy still kept her voice hushed. “I’ll grab your luggage for you later if you want, too.”

  Lacy ran a hand over her face. “That’s right. We leave today. What time is it now?”

  “Eight-thirty. You still have two hours.”

  “Thank the Lord.” Lacy couldn’t believe they’d been in Baltimore only three days. Had it already been two days since Eli had had her against that very wall?

  Thinking about Eli, like that, caused a blush to creep up her face. She turned away and busied herself with gathering her personal items strewn all over the room so that Sammy wouldn’t see her flushed. “I can get my own luggage. Though I appreciate the offer.”

  “No problem. It’s my way of apologizing. For the cops. I’m sure that wasn’t exactly a great way to end an evening.”

  Lacy waved it off. “It’s fine. Really. I hadn’t realized anyone would worry.” Actually she was embarrassed about the whole thing. She’d rather never have to talk about it again.

  But Sammy, it appeared, wasn’t ready to let it go. “Of course we worry. But I also realize we may have overstepped our bounds.”

  There was no “may have,” in Lacy’s book. They had overstepped bounds. It wasn’t anyone else’s business where or how she spent her nights. It wasn’t like she was a little girl out in a strange city. No one had worried about her the night she’d spent with Eli.

  Her face heated again at that thought, but now it was more from irritation. “I’m not mad at you, Sammy. Really. Though I’m a little upset with Eli.” Or a lot upset.

  Or maybe that was just an excuse to have emotions toward him without feeling guilty.

  Sammy nodded sympathetically. “I get it. I really do. But don’t be too hard on him. He has his reasons for worrying about Jax.”

  Lacy stopped her gathering and poised herself to argue when she remembered the things she’d found out about Jax the night before. He’d attempted suicide, and her impression was that it had been fairly recent. That was a cause to worry about someone. “I think I understand,” she conceded. “I mean, the reasons weren’t about me, were they?”

  Sammy scratched the back of her head. “Maybe. But if they were, they were also about Jax.”

  “I see.” Of course Eli’s reasons were primarily about Jax. She didn’t know why she’d think they would be about her. Had they been about her, she didn’t know if that would have made it worse or better.

  “I hope none of it ruined any of your plans…” The way Sammy trailed off, it was evident she was fishing for information.

  Lacy chuckled to herself. She had no idea Sammy was into tour gossip. “No. You didn’t ruin any plans.” Okay, she’d ruined a kiss, but Lacy wasn’t as disappointed about that as she thought she would be.

  “You got along with Jax then?”

  Lacy smiled. “Yeah. I did. He seemed to need a friend. And, actually, I kind of did too. Then we made a connection. So.”

  Sammy considered, seeming surprised by Lacy’s answer. “Hmm. Good to hear. Anyway. I promise not to call the cops again.”

  “I’m going to hold you to that.” Before closing the door after Sammy, Lacy called out, “Thanks again for the Advil.”

  Alone and already feeling less like death warmed over, Lacy considered packing her bags. Except, there was a phrase wiggling around in her head that she should probably get down. She hummed as she looked for a pen and sat down at the desk to jot notes on the hotel stationary.

  Hmm, that melody is good too. If only she hadn’t left her guitar for Sammy to load in last night. Oh, well. She could compose without it.

  The thought stopped her in her tracks.

  She could compose …

  But she hadn’t composed anything in months. Not without sex to inspire it. And here she was with words lining up inside her mind, ready to be written down and manipulated and twisted into lyrics.

  Halle-freaking-lujah, her block was over! She was writing a song.

  Though she wanted to think about it more, analyze the whys and hows and causes of her inspiration, she first had to get it out, before she lost it. Having finally located a pen, she let the words flow freely.

  You’re standing ahead of me,

  Standing j
ust out of reach

  And any step that I take gets me nowhere

  Never moving ahead, like in one of those dreams

  I’m trying to keep you mine

  Running around this wheel

  And though you’re never out of my sight

  I’m so afraid that you’re already gone

  So if it’s going to happen anyway

  I’m going to make it happen

  in my way

  I’m going to lose you

  Lose you inside of me

  I’m going to break you

  Remake you as part of me

  You’re talking around the truth,

  Still I hear what you really mean

  I want to say the words you need

  But I’m not sure what they are and they come out wrong

  I’m trying to keep you here

  Circling around our fate

  And though you’re never out of my heart

  I’m so afraid that you’re already gone

  So if it’s going to happen anyway

  I’m going to make it happen

  in my way

  I’m going to lose you

  Lose you inside of me

  I’m going to break you

  Remake you as part of me

  I’m going to lose …

  I’m going to break …

  You’re always going to be

  Somewhere inside of me

  When she’d finished with the words, she pulled out her iPad and plucked out the melody on her keyboard app, matching it with the correct chords so she could play it later on Lucky. By the time she was done, she had an entire song. It was complete and whole and incredible.

  She’d done it. Finally.

  She stood up and twirled around. She might have even let out a little squee.

  Again she wondered what had been the change that had finally let her muse break through.

  Then she realized—it was Jax. Not sex, Jax. The words were totally about him. He’d let her see a glimpse of his pain—pain that had led to a suicide attempt—and now that she knew about it, she could help make sure he stayed safe. Her song was about that. Probably.

  No, for sure. That’s exactly what it was about.

  She twirled one more time, her face beaming. Then her eyes landed on the nightstand clock. It was ten-fifteen. Shit! She had to get moving or she’d be late for departure.

  She changed quickly, then ran to the bathroom to scoop up her toiletries and threw them and her clothes in her case. While she gathered her things, she mentally made plans to sit with Jax on the bus. They hadn’t talked much about music the night before. She could play him some of her favorite songs on her iPad. Or listen to his favorites. Maybe she’d even show him the song she’d written. Later. When she had Lucky, maybe.

  As she pulled her bag down the hall, an unexplainable melancholy overcame her. Maybe she felt bad about leaving Baltimore behind. So much had happened there. She’d found her inspiration, she’d connected with Folx, she’d gotten her first encore.

  And there had been Eli. She didn’t want to forget him on her list.

  Though she had a feeling forgetting Eli would never be a possibility.

  * * *

  Eli leaned back in his seat and did his best to keep his focus forward as the bus pulled onto I-95 on the way to DC. He felt a mixture of emotions, as he always did when he left his hometown. Though he loved Baltimore, the driving away always made him feel like he was moving on and moving up. It was a sign of progress, even if it meant leaving behind sights and sounds and smells that were as much a part of him as his music.

  This time, the departure had an added component of separation. Baltimore was the city of Lacy. It was the place where he’d given in to his inexplicably overwhelming attraction to her. Instead of fixating on what his tryst with Lacy meant to his relationship with LoveCoda, he decided to accept it as an incredible experience that now he’d put behind him. He’d move on and up from Lacy just like he’d left Baltimore so many times now. It was the only way to look at it and not be overwhelmed with guilt. The only way to not taint the whole thing.

  The only way to not find himself standing in front of her door asking for more.

  This was the truest test of his character that he had ever faced. He couldn’t say for sure what he felt for LoveCoda—he knew he had to spend some real time with her first. But he respected her enough to give her that chance. Because he might not be able to name what he had there, but it was important and meaningful. Even when he could name the feelings he had for Lacy. Like admiration, companionship, adoration.

  And yes, love.

  He loved Lacy Dawson. It was the truth that had crushed through him as he’d stood in Jax’s hall the night before. He was in love with Lacy.

  But he couldn’t be. For so many reasons. Number one being that Lacy was obviously not in love with him. And then there was LoveCoda—a woman he probably could love. Should love, if he hadn’t put so many barriers up online.

  And there was Jax.

  Too many obstacles stood between him and anything more with Lacy.

  So he’d love her in Baltimore. And that’s all.

  Against his better judgment, Eli threw a glance toward the back of the bus where Lacy sat with Jax. She’d left her things at her usual seat and joined him about thirty seconds after they’d pulled away from their hotel, as though she couldn’t wait to talk with him. Even though they’d been connected at the hip all through breakfast. Now, they were listening to something on her iPad, her earbuds split so one was in his ear and one in hers. How high school.

  How Eli wished he were in Jax’s place.

  No, he didn’t. That was his Baltimore self talking. Now he was past that. Moving on.

  Kind of moving on. He turned around from looking at the two, and jumped a mile as he came nearly nose to nose with Sammy.

  “Did I scare you?” She looked positively gleeful at the thought.

  “You know you did,” he muttered. He really was not in the mood to banter.

  “I’m sorry about last night, kid.” Her expression grew serious. “I know how that feels.”

  “Know how what feels? Worried sick about your friend, wondering if he’s in a hospital or a gutter somewhere?” The bitterness in his voice surprised even him.

  “That, too. Come on, I’m a roadie. I’ve pulled more of my friends out of gutters than not. No, I mean the girl.” She gave a little eyebrow waggle.

  The girl. That ache in his chest deepened at the mention of her. But of course, that wasn’t what Sammy was referring to. “She was irresponsible. I thought she was better than that. I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did.” That hurt too. Really hurt.

  “I think you do. I talked to her this morning. She saw him hurting, wanted to keep him company. Something no one else on this bus has been doing.” Sammy’s tone made it clear she more than included him in that statement. “Anyway. She’s a good kid, that one.”

  Eli didn’t like the sincerity he saw in her eyes. “Are you trying to make me feel guilty for what I did? I get to be upset.” Jax had called him out on his true motives for calling the cops, but it didn’t mean he had to admit to them. Especially not to Sammy.

  “You do get to be upset, but not because the two of them went out running around after the show. You get to be upset because you’re into her, and she’s looking quite struck by him.” She turned and gave Lacy and Jax the once-over herself. “Sure not how I thought this was going to end up.” With that, she heaved herself up and headed back to her usual seat.

  “Yeah. Me either,” Eli whispered to himself.

  He turned back to glance out at the window. The trees lining the highway sailed by in a repeating pattern of sameness. There was a rhythm in it, and probably a metaphor for his life. Something about the comfort in consistency. Something about how he couldn’t really be moving on if he was still trapped in the same bus, with the same view.

  Something that turned into a lyric be
gan weaving through his consciousness.

  There’s a path I’ve been taking

  Leading me where I’m meant to go

  But I keep coming back to

  You

  I’m only on loan here

  I can’t stay when I’m meant to fly

  But I keep coming back to

  You

  To you

  I won’t let this hold me

  And yet I can’t let you go

  There’s words shared between us

  And feelings I’ll never show

  But just so you know

  Can’t love you or leave you

  So I’ll love you and leave you

  In Baltimore

  Lacy’s laugh pulled him from his composition. He refused to look back at her. Also, he didn’t want to write this song anymore. He would eventually, because that’s how songs worked.

  But right now he couldn’t bear to think about Lacy. Couldn’t let himself.

  He wanted to think about LoveCoda instead. She was his anchor. If only she were in his life for more than just an hour every night. He needed her as much during the daylight—more even. Especially after having missed their date the evening before because he’d been stuck with that stupid client of Lou’s.

  An idea struck him—one that should have seemed so obvious but had never occurred to him. Why did he have to wait until their date time to send her a message? He could send her one now just as easily. Though he’d always sent to her through the website, he knew that SoWriAn had a phone app. Maybe she had it. So maybe she wouldn’t be available. She could respond later. At least it would make him feel more connected to her.

  And he needed that right now. So needed that. Sammy was wrong, this wasn’t about Lacy and Jax. Scratch that. It was about Lacy and Jax. But it didn’t need to be. Not outside of Baltimore. Not in the rest of the world where he spent most of his time. And that world he could fill with any girl. With LoveCoda. A girl who just happened to look like Lacy in his imagination.

  He pulled out his phone and after a few minutes found the app and downloaded it. Another few minutes and he was logged into the site. Jesus, he was an idiot for never considering this before. Now to think of a message.