by kendra Smith
Dawn pedalled furiously. Next, all the lights went out. Dawn stopped. Oh golly. Had there been a power cut?
‘Hey, Dawn, don’t stop!’ Ted was encouraging her. She looked up at him and at the screen at the front of the class. The screen had digital images of the bikes and the exertion levels of each one. Most people’s scores were around 70 to 80 per cent. The guy next to her was at 95 per cent. Hers was 36 per cent.
‘Dawn, keep going, baby! Let’s get that RPM up, everyone!’ Thank God for the darkness. She turned bright red. Her digital image was still only displaying 40 per cent…
‘Right-o!’ shouted Dawn above the beat, as she managed to get her bike back into motion. Next, Ted was shouting about ‘getting up off your butt and standing on those pedals’. She’d had enough. There were exceedingly bright disco lights flashing away and she was getting a bit of a headache. She reached for her water bottle, then lost her grip as the handle was so sweaty, veered off the bike, clutched the handlebars quickly and tried to regain her balance.
She pedalled furiously, determined that she could do it. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she recognised the guy behind her in the mirror. She took another look. All those flashing lights and loud music made it a bit tricky.
Ted was yelling at them, ‘Up that hill, everyone – let’s go – ten, nine, eight… you’re nearly there!’
She was feeling exhausted. Nearly there? No wonder these Yummy Mummies had figures to die for if this is what they spent their time doing.
‘And now the triceps and biceps! Lower yourself down, now, UP!’
Ted was demonstrating how you could hold on to the handlebars with your arms, and do push-ups on them. It really was a bit much. She longed for her wonderful Zumba class, where you could nip out to the loo and nobody noticed. Here, the whole class was watching you in the mirror – especially that chap behind her. Who was it?
They were finally allowed to sit down. She turned her traction right down so she could get her breath.
‘Right, let’s cool down, everyone, well done! We whipped some ass!’ yelled Ted. Someone behind her tapped her on the shoulder.
‘Dawn, fancy seeing you in here!’ The voice was familiar. She turned around.
‘Rex! Yes, trying a new class! How are you?’
‘Yeah, great.’ He smiled, wiping sweat from his face with a towel. She’d never seen Rex in his sports gear. My God, he looked amazing. She had no idea such a body lurked beneath those designer suits.
‘Normally I work a bit harder at these classes, but just taking today easy. Training for a race after Christmas – you should think about it! You’re a natural!’ He smiled at her again and punched her playfully in the arm.
‘I really don’t think so!’ She smiled back, glad that the lights were low so her bright pink cheeks were hidden. ‘That nearly killed me! I’ll let you keep the cycle ways of Hampshire out of danger!’
He grinned at her as he popped the towel across his shoulders. ‘OK see you next lesson, I guess?’ He touched her on the elbow and held her gaze, as she stared, mesmerised by the sweat trickling down beside his eyebrow. She shook herself.
‘Sure – say hi to Suzie for me.’
Dawn nipped quickly to the showers and glanced at herself in the mirrors on the way. Her cheeks were flushed, and although her hair was damp, with her new cut, it was sitting – what was it; sexily perhaps? – on her shoulders. When was the last time a man had looked at her like that? Eric just seemed to be embarrassed by her these days. An idea started to grow in her mind. She shook her head to dislodge it quickly as she washed herself with shower gel and spent slightly longer putting on her make-up, for reasons she didn’t quite want to analyse, but might have included the possibility of bumping into Rex in the coffee shop.
29
Suzie
‘I don’t think things are working at the moment.’
Suzie clutched her mobile phone and switched it to the other ear. She stared ahead. It had been five weeks since Charlie had been impregnated with the last embryo. Five very long weeks. She was at the clinic car park in Southampton, waiting for Charlie and Dawn. Dawn had agreed to bring Charlie and Suzie was grateful for the moral support. But she was so distracted that anything Annie had been saying, she’d had to repeat twice. She glanced up as a silver car turned into the entrance. She hoped it would be Dawn. Damn, it wasn’t. Her mind was so overwhelmed, especially with Charlie’s early results.
‘Sorry, Annie, what was that?’
‘I said, Suzie, that you seem to have lost focus at the moment and I think it’s best you take some unpaid leave until you can concentrate on your clients – and your job – it’s nearly Christmas, after all,’ she’d added more gently.
‘Right.’
‘Listen, I will send you an email with all the details. Please can you read this and get back to me, but don’t come in to work until we’ve had another conversation, OK? Suzie?’
‘Yes, yes. I will read the email. And, Annie?’
‘Yes?’
‘Sorry.’
There was silence at the other end. Annie had hung up. Who could blame her? Suzie’s mind just wasn’t on it. Since she had found out yesterday that Charlie might be pregnant, when she’d done an early urine test, she’d arranged to visit the clinic straight away to make sure with a blood test. Just think: what if today was going to change her life? Nothing else mattered. And after that awful incident with the wrong folder at the last client meeting, Annie had taken her off that account and given her some dull mobile phone account that didn’t need any client liaison at the moment, just checking that the ads had been placed in the right media.
But Suzie couldn’t care less. Today was the day everything would change. She just knew it.
She let her head fall on the steering wheel of her Mercedes and rested it there for a minute as a wave of exhaustion hit her. The last few of weeks since Charlie had been impregnated had been so stressful. When she looked up she saw Dawn driving in – late. Suzie glanced at her watch quickly. She wished Dawn wouldn’t do this to her. She was nervous enough as it was. She frowned, throwing her phone into her handbag.
Dawn waved at her then turned her enormous silver people carrier around in the car park in exasperation and parked across the road. Charlie and Dawn got out of the car. She couldn’t help glancing at the street before Charlie crossed it, looking for traffic.
Dawn came running up to her, beads and bangles clanking, and as she went over to embrace her, Suzie got a whiff of something very familiar and comforting: fabric conditioner. Charlie followed slowly behind in ripped jeans and a beanie.
‘Oh, Suzie – how exciting! Come on, Charlie, let’s get in there and find out properly!’ gushed Dawn, taking both their hands like they were five-year-olds. They walked past a stylish silver Christmas tree in reception, with silver fairy lights and blue baubles.
Settling down on the plush purple seats, Dawn touched her knee.
‘Don’t worry.’
Don’t worry? She was terrified. She smiled back. Today would change the course of her life. That chaotic woman there, Charlie – she glanced over, and shook her head; Charlie was engrossed in Hello! magazine – that woman was in charge of her happiness. That, kind, messy woman right there with a rip in her jeans, she might be carrying her and Rex’s baby.
‘Susan Havilland?’ The clinic receptionist startled Suzie and she got up. ‘You can all go through now.’
Liz reappeared and introduced them to a doctor. ‘This is Dr Nathalie.’
‘Ms Havilland and Ms Moore, welcome back.’ The doctor smiled. ‘This way.’ She turned and marched down the corridor, her high heels clicking.
‘Now, Charlie, we’ll just do some quick blood tests.’ She nodded at her to sit down.
‘All set?’ She smiled. ‘You can all wait in reception till we find out.’
*
She couldn’t believe it. She really couldn’t. She was a mess of adrenalin and quite teary. Charlie was next to h
er, wiping crumbs from her jumper and munching on a mince pie. The three of them were in a coffee shop near to the clinic. They’d walked down a few streets looking for a safe haven away from the busy Christmas shoppers. The streets were packed, families out for the day, mums pushing buggies, cheery smiles in the drizzly rain. Carol singers on the corner. Suzie had thrown a £10 note into the hat. She didn’t even care about her hair getting wet. She wanted to pinch herself.
A waitress placed huge milky lattes in front of them and another plate of mince pies in the middle of the table. Suzie carefully took a sip of the coffee. Warm, milky liquid oozed down her throat and she willed her shoulders to relax.
‘Well,’ ventured Dawn. ‘How exciting! That’s amazing. Suzie, you must be over the moon!’ She reached out and gave her a hug. ‘And well done, Charlie!’
Charlie shrugged. ‘Didn’t really do anything, did I? Let ’em pop an embryo in, and here we are.’ She smiled, as Suzie watched the girl’s hands shaking violently as she took another sip of coffee.
‘You all right, Charlie?’ Suzie’s heart was thumping. What was wrong?
‘Fine, fine,’ Charlie gave a tight smile.
‘I’m so grateful, Charlie, you know that, don’t you?’ she said. ‘What if you hadn’t agreed, what if you’d said no? “We” wouldn’t be “pregnant” – God, I almost can’t say it…’ She felt the tears threatening.
‘Have you texted Rex yet?’ Dawn nodded at the phone, eyes wide. ‘God, I’m so excited! A baby!’ she squealed, reaching out for Suzie’s hand.
‘I’m going to tell him in person,’ she said. ‘His phone’s off,’ she lied. ‘He’s got a really important meeting today.’ That bit was true. But her heart lurched when she thought about talking to him.
30
Suzie
How would Rex react? He was stressed about Libor, the money, the worry about repayments on their loan, and now she had done this. Behind his back. In secret.
When he had said no.
She’d just skim over the bit about saying she was a single parent to get through the paperwork at the clinic, about sending in the form the next day – and the cheque for Charlie from their joint account where she’d faked his signature.
But who wouldn’t? Who wouldn’t fudge some of the red tape to be a mother? She played with the word in her mouth. She said it out loud. Parents. Sure she’d gone behind Rex’s back and taken a risk, but it had paid off, hadn’t it? Paid off beyond her wildest dreams.
She stared at the test results in her hand and shook herself. That small note from the clinic was going to change their lives. After they’d driven back, she had dropped a very quiet Charlie home, gone straight to the supermarket and bought champagne, Rex’s favourite veal cutlets and strawberry cheesecake for dessert. She’d thrown in some scented candles and a box of chocolates for good measure.
Ramone was at one of his courses in town, so they had the house to themselves. She glanced at her watch – 5 p.m. It was a bleak, dark December evening. Pixie was following her around the kitchen. Ramone had put a tinsel collar on him. He looked slightly ridiculous, but cute. He barked at Suzie, then popped into his basket, put his head on his paws and looked at her.
‘Pixie, you’re going to have a brother or sister soon!’ He barked at her and she went over, crouched down next to the basket and stroked his head. Honestly, I’m talking to a dog. She shook herself, before getting up again.
She heard that familiar crunch of gravel and her heart fluttered. She grabbed two glasses from the cabinet and took the champagne out the fridge.
She quickly set the table, placed a couple of silver Christmas candles in the middle, folded the test results inside Rex’s napkin and slipped it inside their his ’n’ hers carved wooden napkin rings, which they’d bought themselves on their honeymoon in Africa. Hers was a giraffe; his was a lion.
She traced the smooth wooden face of the lion with her thumb and remembered that night. You will always be incredibly special to me, “Mrs Havilland”, Rex had said to her, holding her hand and squeezing it. Her engagement ring had hurt her as he tightened his grip on her hand. She had looked down and twisted the enormous diamond back to the top and smiled at him. They’d sat in their luxury tent with dusty pink rose petals covering the queen-sized bed underneath a mosquito net, a trail of them from there to the little table and chairs.
Suzie had looked at the burnt orange sunset, looked at the hurricane lamps with candles flickering inside them, and then across at her gorgeous husband. Everything had been perfect, so, so perfect. Little had she known.
Pixie barked and she put the napkin ring down. ‘What is it?’ Pixie looked up at her and whined, then scampered off to the couch and jumped up. She didn’t care. Smiling, she ran to the mirror to put on some lipstick.
He’ll be over the moon.
When Rex walked into the kitchen she could tell something was wrong but she was sure any work niggles would melt away with her news.
‘Bad day?’ she asked. Wait till I tell him.
‘You could say that,’ he said shortly and threw his laptop bag onto the kitchen counter. He looked over at the table. ‘What’s all this?’
‘Thought I’d make an effort!’
He stared at her and sat down at the kitchen table. ‘You never cook, Suzie,’ he muttered flatly.
She poured them each a glass of champagne and sat down.
‘Champagne?’ he said, taking the glass from her.
‘Darling, I’ve got some news.’
‘So have I – I’ve been suspended – without pay, like I said might happen. I can’t fucking believe it.’ He took a massive gulp of champagne and put his glass down. Then he looked up at her. ‘What was it you wanted to tell me?’
Her heart froze. ‘Um. It worked.’
‘What worked?’
‘The baby.’
‘What baby?’ He stared blankly at her, then suddenly his eyes widened. ‘Please tell me you’re joking. I told you to tell her it was off – what do you mean “the baby”? What bloody baby? What have you agreed to? How. Much?’ His tone was ice cold.
She’d planned everything so well. The honeymoon napkin rings, the cheesecake.
He didn’t take his piercing green eyes off her. ‘Suzie?’
‘I – we – are pregnant. Charlie is going to have our baby! I thought you’d be happy.’ Her throat felt tight.
‘I told you to call it all off, remember?’ he said quietly. ‘So you lied to me? When we last spoke about this—’ he moved his glass to one side ‘—I told you to hold off. Jesus, Susan, I don’t even know if I want this!’
‘Of course you want this! We’ve wanted it for years and now it’s happened and you’re ruining it!’
‘Susan, there is a long way to go, and a lot of money to spend before that happens.’
‘I know, Rex, but this was our chance.’ Suzie sat down across from him and reached for his hand. ‘Someone like Charlie might not come along again. The clinic—’
‘Clinic?’ He snatched his hand away.
Oh dear. She hadn’t mentioned the clinic yet. He shook his head and closed his eyes. They snapped open again and he looked at her with something approaching hatred. ‘Suzie. We don’t have ANY MONEY. They have suspended me!’
‘Yes, we do, I’ve taken some out of our joint savings account.’
‘You what?’ he whispered, leaning across the table. ‘Suzie, that was what I was going to live on if I have to leave the company, to pay the mortgage, the car loans, we have huge outgoings. We have no backup. I’m still being investigated for Libor,’ he whispered. ‘We will probably have to sell the house.’
‘It will blow over, won’t it?’ She had to believe that it would.
‘And if it doesn’t?’ He looked at her. ‘And you’ve lost your job, according to the email you forwarded me from Annie…’
‘I haven’t lost my job, I’m just having a brea—’
‘How much did you agree to pay her? Suzie?’
&nb
sp; ‘It was £20,000.’ Suzie kept the figure a bit lower than the £25,000 she’d actually agreed. She was sure she’d be able to find the rest of the money she’d agreed to give Charlie at a later date. The champagne bubbles silently rose in her glass.
‘I just can’t believe you’ve done this behind my back. What else have you done?’ he said angrily loosening his tie.
Suzie flinched, a snapshot of Steve, that bar… but Rex would never find out.
‘Suzie?’ His voice had changed and his shoulders fell. Suddenly, he looked exhausted. He was slumped in the chair, his suit crumpled. The fine grey hair on his temples aged him, rather than made him look dashing tonight, as he wearily ran a hand through his hair. ‘Am I not enough for you?’ He stared at her and blinked a few times.
She was a heartbeat too late to reply. Every bone in her body wanted to lie. Every part of her, as she reached out and held his hand, stared into his beseeching eyes, his beautiful face and slumped shoulders, wanted to say yes. But she couldn’t. She realised then and there that maybe her need for a baby was stronger than her need for Rex.
31
Charlie
Houses flash by in a multi-coloured blaze, wreathed in twinkling fairy lights on the drive home – some on the inside and others are festooned around windows, garages, along the driveways. It’s magical. I love the tiny snapshots of cosy domesticity that I can glimpse, the easy voyeurism of peeking into other people’s lives, other people’s happy lives – or so I imagine. I think about fathers upstairs wrapping presents secretly, mothers bathing kids, dogs by open fires, children cosy by the TV under woollen blankets. Other people’s sanctuaries. Their homes.
It’s ten days till Christmas. As I stare out of the car window, I remember my last conversation with Suzie when she’d told me to cut down on one of my cleaning jobs. She told me she was worried. I told her that I wanted to keep my hand in, that I wouldn’t always be a surrogate. Reluctantly she agreed but suggested that Gloria did the ‘heavier’ work. Gloria’s already being massively protective so she doesn’t have to worry.
