by kendra Smith
‘It lights up, you know!’ Eric says pointing at the dance floor. ‘The floor, it’s quite amazing.’ He goes to some switchboard at the back and flicks at the controls. Suddenly the whole floor is alight. It’s fabulous – like a luminous chessboard.
Lovely man. He’s really making sure that all the details are covered for Dawn.
Ramone is talking to the waiters about the food, as he’s bringing some home-made tapas – olives stuffed with anchovies, garlic prawns on skewers, bite-size pieces of tortilla, his famous croquettes – and some ‘special’ brownies he says, probably those funny mayonnaise ones.
Suzie and I are tying silver balloons up on the backs of chairs that surround the room. I’m quite sure Dawn will freak out if she actually sees the number ‘50’ anywhere, but it is her birthday, after all. Anyway, they look like sparkly silver puffs of smoke reaching up to the ceiling. Just stunning. Part of me is looking forward to this so much, and the other part is anxious about all the people I don’t know, what they’ll think of me. A girl from near the estate. I shudder. It’s hard to reconcile it all with this glitzy hotel. And then there’s— Better not think about it.
‘So, you’ll be here?’ I ask Suzie. ‘What about Jacob?’
She’s bending over a chair tying a ribbon to attach a balloon. Jacob is next to the door in the pram with a muslin covering it as he’s dozing. She takes a quick glance at him and straightens up. She pulls down her blouse. ‘Yes, I am. I’ve found a babysitter – she was on the Longlist for Prince Louis – I know, I know,’ says Suzie when she sees my face, ‘but I think it might just be good for me and Rex to have a night off from him—’ she smiles at me ‘—to have a laugh again. He doesn’t know I’m coming! It’s going to be a surprise.’
‘I think that’s a great idea,’ I say and something makes me give her a quick hug and I just hope Dawn has seen sense about leaving Rex alone.
She stiffens in my arms at first then leans in and holds me tight. ‘Thanks, Charlie, you know, for everything,’ she whispers. ‘Rex has been a bit distant lately. I think it will do us good,’ she says, straightening up. ‘By the way—’ she starts to tie another bow ‘—don’t mention it to him, if you see him, will you?’
I nod. ‘Of course – and I’m sure he’s just preoccupied about Jacob.’ I smile. It’s not a total lie. ‘But I think it’s a fantastic idea.’
Suzie tilts her head to one side. ‘Anyway, what are you wearing?’
With that, Ramone sashays by. ‘Wait till you see Señorita! I tell her buy this dress.’ He fluctuates his hands in an hourglass shape and I burst out laughing. He winks at me and carries on.
We spend another two hours decorating – putting silver baubles in a vase on each table intertwined with fairy lights, scattering gold and silver star confetti on the table – while Eric keeps ‘checking’ on the dance floor and muttering something about the lights.
As we leave, my phone pings. I fish it out of my bag. It’s Daniel. I can hardly believe it.
See you at the ball
Is all it says with our usual smiley face. This time I don’t delete it.
A rush of excitement surges through me as the doorman pushes open the doors for us onto a beautiful autumn evening. We take a cab across London to Waterloo and I watch the golden September sun with its buttery rays melting behind various London landmarks – the London Eye, the Houses of Parliament, the Shard – and I feel uplifted, full of a new hope.
*
When I get home, I have a spring in my step. I wash the few dishes in the sink, empty the bins and then, in a fit of energy, mop the kitchen floor before I go upstairs and look for my only set of matching underwear for the ball. As I sit down on the sofa later with a cup of tea, I feel something under me. I reach underneath and find Tyler’s phone. There are several text messages on it. The last one, which is cut off at the end, is from Daniel. I don’t know Tyler’s passcode so I can’t open it up.
Daniel? Why on earth has Tyler got Daniel’s number and what on earth are they texting about? All I can see is:
Only got 4 more to finish. No, can’t come tonight. Mum’s sad right now. Can you help…
And then I can’t see the rest.
What the fuck has been going on behind my back? What has he got four more of? What on earth is Daniel meant to be helping him with? I hope he’s not in any trouble. Wait till I speak to Tyler. My feeling of hope has just evaporated instantly.
75
Dawn
‘Dawn, will you hurry up!’
What’s all the fuss? Eric was behaving like a man possessed. It was just a fundraiser for goodness’ sake. Somehow, Eric had apparently agreed with Victoria – of all women – (she’d supposedly cornered him at that fateful dinner party) that they would go to this charity fundraiser in London. It was some organisation that worked towards improving inner-city gardens by teaching unemployed teenagers horticultural skills. Eric was on the committee and so was Victoria.
Dawn was determined to stay in control. What if they brought up knicker-gate? (As she’d discovered it had been called at school.) Utterly humiliating. And she was sure she’d find it hard to ignore Eric’s dalliance, as she preferred to think about it, if she had too much to drink – she had another plan about that… So, she’d better stay on the right side of sober.
There was a cab parked outside and Joyce was already in it, looking rather more dressed up than Dawn would have thought for a charity dinner party. They’d had a bit of a showdown the night after the cat turned blue when Eric had come home. Joyce had confessed to being lonely. Dawn didn’t have the heart to ask her to leave. She seemed to be enjoying herself, loved being with the grandchildren, and when Eric mentioned this charity dinner, she was over the moon. But she must get to the bottom of what went on that weekend they were away. What had Alice said, a man?
‘You look lovely, Dawn.’ Joyce was beaming at her.
‘Oh, thank you.’ She didn’t normally get the chance to wear this black halter-neck dress. It was usually too tight for her, but it must have been all the spinning, because when she tried it on, it felt tight in all the right places (the bust) yet loosely skimmed her tummy and hips; whereas last time she wore it, it had squeezed the breath out of her.
‘And you look nice too, Joyce.’
‘Yes, dear, well it is—’
‘MUM!’ shouted Eric as Dawn flinched. Eric hadn’t been himself all day. He got into the cab and slammed the door, clutching a bag.
‘Sorry.’ He did a funny kind of laugh. Eric was up to something. She knew it. He was probably terrified that she’d find out about his liaison with that woman. Maybe that woman would be there! Oh God, that was it – she was going to this blasted dinner. Perhaps she should talk to him about it. In fact, she was going to ask Victoria tonight exactly who it was she’d seen Eric with. What if it was another school mum? It had been niggling her a lot more recently – even though she was very distracted by Rex, she couldn’t quite forget. Well, anyway, she had a plan.
To calm her nerves she had had a gin and tonic earlier. Bit of Dutch courage wouldn’t go amiss if she was to confront the Baking Queen about her husband’s infidelity. But she definitely wasn’t going to have any more.
They were lucky with the traffic and the cab took them straight to the front door of the hotel. Dawn looked up at the sign in bright lights: The Metro Hotel? She drew in a sharp breath. Wasn’t this where Victoria had said she’d seen Eric recently? How dare he bring her to this place!
‘Dawn?’
Eric was holding the door open for her and smiling. That’s it. Wait till I talk to him later. She swooped out of the taxi while he paid the driver.
‘In we go!’ Eric smiled. He was being annoyingly cheery. Perhaps he’d arranged to see her later? Send Dawn home in an Uber and then hop upstairs for a bit of after-dinner adultery? The thought made Dawn furious and she stomped up the stairs of the hotel, her silver sandals cutting into her heels, she barely acknowledged the red-coated doorman.
>
Eric pressed the lift button and held open the doors for her and Joyce. There was a deadly silence in the lift as Dawn stared straight ahead.
‘Are you feeling all right, dear?’ Eric asked her.
‘Fine,’ she snapped and caught his sorrowful look as she glanced in the mirror. Serves him right.
‘Oh, what a lovely place,’ said Joyce as she adjusted her necklace in the mirrors inside the lift and looked around. Dawn couldn’t bring herself to speak, she was imagining hundreds of stuffy types there, all doing their ‘bit’ and having to chit-chat politely all evening about urban gardening. She let out a sigh.
Eric left the lift first, ushered them out and then headed straight for two massive mahogany doors. He seemed to know exactly where he was going. That’s because he’s been here before…
As he started to push the door open, he looked at her and smiled. ‘Ladies first, on you go, Dawn.’
As the door opened, instead of seeing several dreary faces in a private dining room, it was a ballroom containing about one hundred guests in glittery masks. Balloons adorned the place with – oh heavens, ‘50’ on them – everyone just stood there, the women in sparkly gowns, the men in superbly smart DJs, holding champagne glasses, with enormous smiles on their faces. ‘Surprise!’ they yelled together and it was all she could do to keep standing as her legs turned to jelly. She felt partly terrified and partly furious. Her friend Juliet rushed up to her, then her husband Andrew, more people started to hug her, a waiter appeared with champagne on a tray, smiling.
Ramone came up next to her and handed her a glittery mask. ‘I made myself, Señora!’ he said grinning at her and popping it over her head. She looked around and saw Eric talking to the hotel manager. The balloons bobbed around above her head, big silk bows were tied to the backs of seats and waiters were handing round delicious tapas canapés. She grabbed two glasses of champagne from the waiter – one in each hand – and downed them in quick succession. It would all be so magical, she thought, enjoying the rush of alcohol to her head, if she didn’t have such an enormous urge to hit her husband.
76
Suzie
Where was Rex, anyway? She was looking for him over the sea of faces with masks. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him, apologise for all her stupid behaviour, tell him that he was the best husband in the world. Those few cocktails at the bar had really done the trick, whatever was in them. She felt brilliantly mellow now. When had she last had a drink? Since Jacob had come into their lives she’d been existing on tea, toast and instant hot chocolate – and quite a few of Ramone’s chocolate brownies, if she was honest.
Her thoughts turned back to Rex as she scanned the room. It was all she cared about, all she’d ever really, really wanted – a proper family. Who knew? Maybe they’d arrange another surrogacy? Just maybe. But forget the house, the to-die-for kitchen, the dinner parties, the shoes… OK, she’d keep a few shoes. No. What she’d been craving, what she’d needed to feel instead of shutting that part of herself down by denying herself food, was a family, a baby, something to love. It made her feel that there was a point to her and Rex – more than just the two of them. They were one big glorious family now.
After the desperation and anguish of trying and failing – and subconsciously blaming Rex – well, she felt healed now. It had taken Jacob to come along for her to see what really mattered. Time to get her marriage back on track and reconnect with her husband. Then everything would be perfect.
Quickly, she tapped a message on her phone to the nanny.
The reply came straight back.
All fine, Jacob asleep next to me. Enjoy yourself!
The nanny she had chosen was amazing. She had arrived promptly, taken Jacob out of her arms, ordered her to go and have a bath, get changed, show her where the milk was kept and not to worry. Suzie had felt utter relief that this woman seemed to know exactly what she was doing as she’d hopped into an Uber half an hour after feigning a headache when Rex had left. He had no idea she’d be here. Excitement was gathering in the pit of her stomach.
As Suzie looked for the ladies’ on the upstairs floor, she realised that the last time she’d been in that hotel was at the awards ceremony for Mocha Magazines. And MM had won. One of the ‘outstanding accounts’ had been her work for one for her clients. She’d been ecstatic that night. Now, though, thoughts of magazines and clients had completely faded from her brain; it felt a million miles away. She was a mother – and a wife. She needed to find Rex. But first she needed the loo.
She crept along the dim corridor. Hadn’t the barman told her the ladies’ was upstairs? She took a deep breath and tried to remember. No, she realised that at the award ceremony the ladies’ was downstairs. But just as she’d turned around, she was aware of a strange noise. She carried on padding along the thick carpets and heard it again. Where from? There was an open door, leading to a library just on the left. The lights on the wall were dim and she could barely make anything out. She took a few steps into the room out of curiosity and was enveloped in the smell of old, musty books. The floor was wooden and there were floor-to-ceiling bookcases on the wall, lined with hundreds of burgundy and dark blue leather-bound books with gold trims, neatly stretching across each shelf.
Suddenly there was another noise. Suzie turned around and glanced towards the window – just out of the corner of her eye she saw someone standing beside it. It was the shoulders she recognised – but it was hard to tell with these masks.
Whoever it was had stopped very still by the window, an orange sheen from the street lights outside was lighting up their back. Suzie froze when she realised she did recognise the familiar outline, the way the shoulders curved, even in the shadow. Yes, it was Rex. She could make out his dinner suit in the hazy light. How exciting.
But, hang on, there was a woman next to him… Did he just drop his arm down from her shoulder? Was her top slightly down?
She tiptoed towards the two of them by the window as the glow from the street light began to light up her face.
‘Dawn! Are you out of your mind?’ she whispered. All the air seemed to have left her lungs.
‘Suzie!’ Dawn spun around and smiled at her, but not before Suzie saw her readjust her dress strap and tuck some hair behind her ear.
‘What are you doing here?’ Rex stammered. ‘I didn’t think you were coming, your headache, Jas-cob—’
‘Clearly not!’ Suzie took a step closer to both of them and could feel her heart pounding and blood rushing up to her ears. ‘It was meant to be a surprise! For you!’
Dawn took a step back and kept patting her hair down.
‘Darshling, it’s not what you think…’ Rex swayed slightly and touched her on the arm. She felt herself flinch. ‘I was just chatting to Dawn – you know she’s taken up cycling, seen her a few times at the gym.’ He swayed slightly again to the right. Suzie frowned.
‘Rex? Are you drunk?’
‘No, nope, nosh drunk. Dawn and me, we’re just talking RPMs, aren’t we, Dawn-y?’ She watched him put his arms loosely around her blonde, dishevelled friend. Her friend. The one she talked to. What the fuck was she doing? Dawn-y.
‘To hell with your cycling! And to hell with you, Dawn! I thought you were my friend!’ hissed Suzie. Suddenly she turned around again. ‘And you might want to ask your husband who he’s been with recently!’ she said with gritted teeth, as she stormed out of the library.
77
Dawn
What a mess, mess, mess! I think I have lost my best friend and – what did she say about Eric? Who else knows? Oh, dear Lord, I could kill him. But if she was really honest with herself, it wasn’t the only reason she let Rex make a pass at her, was it? Who wouldn’t? He looked like Rob Lowe in a DJ, was built like an Olympic boxer and she enjoyed it. She savoured every moment of his skin next to hers, of him coming up slowly behind her in the library, kissing the nape of her neck, his sweet breath dangerously next to her mouth, of his fingers slowly tracing the outli
ne of her halter neck as she gasped, then he hooked his finger underneath one of the straps and tugged at it… Her head had been swimming, her body pounding with desire. Not only with the enormous amount of champagne she’d drunk, but also because she was intoxicated by Rex. She clutched the bannister for support and shivered.
Every footstep down the stairs felt shaky. She steadied herself at the bottom of the stairs and took a deep breath, then walked into the ladies’.
She reached for her slim silver handbag, which was slung over her shoulder, glittering with diamante studs. She took out her make-up bag and put it on the counter. She put her arms out to steady herself on the firm surface, and looked at herself in the mirror. He cheeks were flushed and her red glittery mask was perched on top of her head like a hairband. Her eyes were a bit wild – was that champagne or adrenalin? Some of her mascara had been smudged so she dabbed it with a tissue. Carefully, she opened her lipstick and twisted it up. French Coral, she let out a deep sigh. Eric’s favourite. She’d worn it since she was eighteen, ever since he said he couldn’t imagine kissing lips in anything else… But had he?
She instantly prickled remembering what Victoria had said, and now Suzie… and then when he’d shown her this hotel… She was so gobsmacked earlier, she hadn’t been able to speak. Was it this very hotel where he’d planned her surprise fiftieth, that he’d had secret assignations? Two for the price of one? Surely not?
Things needed to change. Maybe the Do it Before Fifty website had been a bit of a disaster, but she wanted more. She ran some cold water over her wrists (had read about that in some menopause leaflet) then held on to the sink and peered at herself in the mirror, examining her flushed face and tawny brown eyelids as her fingers gripped the cold porcelain. Eric and I have been on the same train for too long. Time for one of us to move in another direction.
